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How to get on with Grandsons

(75 Posts)
seasidelady Fri 01-Sep-17 07:42:42

Iam looking forward to visiting my Daughter in Australia in January ,but find my grandsons very hard to get on with, not all the time, but when Mum is not around, they say very hurtful things to me, they are 10 & 12. Love them,& try my best to do things with them. But dread the horrible things they say, especially the older one.
How do I cope, as do not want to cause a problem, by telling my Daughter. Help please.

Teetime Fri 01-Sep-17 08:24:12

Oh dear oh dear I think you do have to have a word with your daughter about the disrespect your grandsons think is Ok to display. I would bet its not just you they are rude too.

ninathenana Fri 01-Sep-17 08:29:44

I agree parents should be told, tactfully of course. They need to realise this is just not on, they shouldn't be speaking to anyone in this manner.

MissAdventure Fri 01-Sep-17 08:55:39

I think I would tell the children to watch how they speak to you, with the threat of telling their mum if they don't.

J52 Fri 01-Sep-17 09:02:39

I'd be more direct with them, and tell them that saying hurtful things to people is very unpleasant and will leave them without any friends.
At 10 & 12 they are children learning to be adults and should show respect for everyone.
It might not help you feel any better, but show them that bully you is not going to work!

J52 Fri 01-Sep-17 09:03:47


BlueBelle Fri 01-Sep-17 09:18:15

Without giving us a clue as to what theyre saying it's hard to judge and it's wrong to judge them as bullies when we have no idea what level of words they are saying or even what words are acceptable or not to seaside
Sometimes silly banter or even generational words (I don't mean swearwords) but if a teen tells you you are sick or wicked it's a big compliment or could it be that Australian teens words are different to ours
Do they know you? Give us some ideas of situations and their words and reactions to you If they are really being rude and bullying then yes you do need to talk it over with their mum but it would have to be delicate as no parent wants their children to be criticised

annsixty Fri 01-Sep-17 09:21:47

Hasn't this been posted before?

fiorentina51 Fri 01-Sep-17 09:25:37

Yes, I think it has.

polyester57 Fri 01-Sep-17 09:29:52

Can you be more specific seasidelady? I can´t imagine the hurtful things that they say. Are you perhaps being too sensitive because you are not used to being around them all the time? Children can be very direct and don´t necessarily mean to hurt. My grandchildren are much younger, but they do on occasion say things like "I don´t want to kiss grandad because his breath smells" or "you are so old granny, are you going to die soon?" or similar. We just gently tell them that whatever you might think, there are some things that you don´t say out loud. But don´t make a big fuss of it. We don´t say hurtful things to each other (most of the time), so expect that this is a phase that they will grow out of. Have a lovely trip to see your daughter and grandsons and try to relax, don´t set out on your journey already worrying about who is going to say what.

annsixty Fri 01-Sep-17 09:37:06

There were 45 posts on the thread in July and August on this subject by the same OP.
Has something changed or does she want to hear more opinions?

Nezumi65 Fri 01-Sep-17 09:38:23

What sort of things are they saying. Boys love a bit of banter (listen to how they speak to their closest friends) and they probably have no idea their words are causing you upset.

MawBroon Fri 01-Sep-17 09:51:13

I suspect this is really preying on OP's mind for her to restart the thread.
If this is so, then she REALLY needs to discuss this with her DD.

annsixty Fri 01-Sep-17 09:56:23

I agree, she can't let this fester in her mind to the extent of ruining the anticipation of the visit, her Daughter must be told and it is up to her (D) to sort it out. They are her responsibility to bring up to be kind and considerate.

cornergran Fri 01-Sep-17 10:32:23

I'm with ann and mawb. If this is really worrying you seasidelady why not ask your daughter for advice on the best way to manage it. No criticism but just asking for input so you all have a relaxed time.

polyester57 Fri 01-Sep-17 10:56:36

I remember when I was a teenager, in the early 1970s, my grandmother came to visit from Eastern Europe. We hadn´t been able to see her for many years. I must have said some hurtful things to her at the time. She still saw us as little children and tried to impose her way of life and her discipline. The OP should understand that these two boys are on the way to adulthood, living in a different culture. Be a loving grannie, no judgements, no disapproval, just lots of food, lots of praise, and enough personal space. The time is all too short.

JackyB Fri 01-Sep-17 11:53:10

Perhaps they will have grown out of it when she goes this time.

M0nica Fri 01-Sep-17 14:14:02

At their age anything they are saying they are saying deliberately and with knowledge aforethought.

If they say something nasty, ask them why they felt a need to say what they said, rand then discuss it with them. They will feel awkward and embarrassed and should leave off.

However, you have not given any example of the kind of things they say, and it might be a question of interpretation.

Madgran77 Fri 01-Sep-17 18:19:23

seasidelady this is obviously worrying you a great deal ...some details about what type of things they are saying would I think be helpful in understanding quite what the problem is.

glammanana Fri 01-Sep-17 18:47:55

Obviously seasidelady is worrying about this visit and I am sure your DD will listen to your worries if you confide in her,have your DGSs been brought up in Australia because the typical Aussie is very outspoken with their thoughts its the way they are there unfortunatly or are they just being disrespectful.Words with your DD is certainly the way to go I'm affraid.

Coconut Sat 02-Sep-17 08:44:35

If you do not challenge them you enable them to continue. Keep your phone with you and when they say something untoward, say that you have just recorded what was said and will discuss it with their parents later !

StKilda Sat 02-Sep-17 08:53:37

I went on a trip where some Australians were using banter to put people down and thought they were funny. I won't say that all Australians are like that as they aren't but what I am saying is that the culture often accepts banter as acceptable whereas we see it as a step too far. This is a very difficult situation but I feel you will lose whichever way you go. Either your daughter will get defensive or your Grandkids will become polite but distant. Best to grit your teeth, smile nicely and hope they will get bored of it. It hurts like hell. I used to have sister-in-laws who did the same thing.

radicalnan Sat 02-Sep-17 08:53:56

They are growing up and might be out more this time.

Unless you tell us what it is they say we can't really help. Didn't you mentin that they said you 'looked like a witch' last time?

If you want to see your daughter and have a trouble free visit, then you have to find ways of coping with those boys or it is going to spoil your holiday or worse cause a huge upset.

Without knowing exactly the type of thig that they say it is hard to advise you.

Apricity Sat 02-Sep-17 09:23:41

As many others have said it is hard to comment when you don't know what is being said. I'm an Aussie grandma and if my littilies (7 aged between 5 and 12) said things that made me feel uncomfortable I would say to them that I found what they had said to be hurtful or disrespectful and could we please have a talk about this. Hopefully this will open the conversation to other issues or topics, perhaps about how things change across generations, different life experiences, being aware how special this time is for grandma etc. If the behaviour continued I would discuss it with my daughter/son.

Teddy123 Sat 02-Sep-17 09:34:20

Am sure I read a very similar post a while back. Very naughty boys ..... Just tell them bluntly! and walk away.
I wouldn't say anything to your daughter. Hopefully this visit they may be less mean/rude etc.