Someone offered to pray for DS!

Excellent post, Cold.

I can't help but wonder how many of the people who've written 'why be upset', 'why not be grateful' etc. actually know what it feels like to be visibly disabled, or deformed? Or if they've even bothered to think about it?

Empathy and common decency. They're not really difficult concepts.

The woman probably meant well and may be mentally ill. I'm sure she doesn't realize she's adding insult to injury. But I can't help thinking 'God help the people she tries to help!'

I was brought up to believe that the essence of Christianity, Judaism, many other religions, and just being a decent person is to do as you would be done by ... think about what others feel ... honestly imagine yourself in others' skins.

We all blunder sometimes, usually out of awkwardness, but this bizarre form of 'prayer' hurts people who are already going through enough.

If pride, or lack of charity in thought, were visible infirmities, some of the people who've written so glibly might feel a bit different. Being accosted by boors who publicly and vocally single you out as being in need of divine aid while passers-by watch and listen. A lovely risk to run every time you go out.

Empathy and humility ... you can take religion and prayer completely out of the picture. Empathy and humility are just good things.

Kitty, you're a much bigger woman than I am for understanding what some people have written. My thoughts are with you and your DS as the struggle must be tremendous for both of you. I hope he doesn't have to go through that again. I shall very quietly and privately pray and hope that one day people will stop treating others as Others.

I am not a believer and I would have been insulted and felt patronised. Who are any of us to judge the lives of others unless you have "walked a mile in their shoes"? Your DS may have a visible disability but that should not lead to an assumption that he needs healing or praying for. Lots of people with disabilities lead very fulfilling lives and lots of people who on the outside are perfectly healthy are bitter and twisted or broken inside. I am not surprised your DS was cross.

Anyway, prayer is your personal chat to God (for those who believe in it) and you don't need permission to talk to him about anything you want to. After all, I don't suppose anyone would go up to some stranger and ask if he minded them gossiping about him to their best friend? No, you'd just get on and do it if you felt there was something gossip worthy. And you'd know that it would be less hurtful that way than actually going and telling him he was going to be gossipped about.

My doctor told me he would pray for me last year. I was surprised to say the least!

Egalantine, it may also be the case, particularly if this women's culture was based on her religion; that she knew many who felt like her and would often see that she brought comfort and a feeling of companionship in difficulty when she said she would 'pray for them'.

It is not black and white but the greyness of different cultures overlapping. She probably did get it wrong in this instance but I doubt she intended to! I really think to then attack this unknown, possibly kind stranger as needy in the way you expressed it seems to be a little extreme.

After reading a number of posts, especially the OP and the one by Cold, it's obvious that many people would find the intrusion of "I will pray for you" upsetting at least. Patronising, depressing, embarrassing, making them feel bad about themselves.

If you know that's a possibility why would anyone announce uninvited "I will pray for you." It could only be to satisfy some need of their own that is more important than the other person's feelings.

Atheists here condemn an offer of prayer but would they condemn the offer of a seat on a bus or train, an offer to help lift heavy goods?

AB you seem to be as atheist hating as some are race hating or women hating. Many of the people who have tried to understand the women have not declared they are your sort of "Christian" and many who felt she was in the wrong have not declared they are "atheist". Do stop attacking this group - and those you have decided with no knowledge belong to it - for you own rather difficult to understand reasons please.

Offering a seat or help with a parcel is an act of human thoughtfulness. I am often at the grateful receiving end of such acts - as are pregnant women, people struggling with a buggy, older people, someone overburdened with shopping. Going up to a person with disabilities and offering to pray for them is thoughtless at best and patronising, presumptuous and unkind at worst. Just go home and pray. I didn’t think passing by on the other side referred to not crossing over with an offer of prayer - I thought it was about a practical offer of help

Its very insensitive to tell someone who is going about their life, minding their own business, that you're going to pray for them.
Its the equivalent of of saying "oh you poor thing!" when they don't feel at all that way.
It says more about the person who needs to draw attention to their faith than the person who finds it crass. (Which it is!)

Wrong Jura, people who,offer to,pray are not always - so called born again from Evangelical Churches .

Atheists here condemn an offer of prayer but would they condemn the offer of a seat on a bus or train, an offer to help lift heavy goods?

As for trying to prevent a suicide, Elegran there is a big difference in not wanting to live and wanting to die .

how judgemental we are , the woman didn't pass on the other side .

Prayers are answered, those who say prayers are not answered mean prayers are not answered in the way they think they should be answered.

kitty hope your DS will not see it there.

Hardly surprising!

I see this is another gransnet thread that has found its way onto Facebook.

They are always so-called 'born again' from evangelical Churches.

I agree. Very strange thing to do which makes me wonder if the lady herself had some problems.

Exactly my point

I actually don’t care why people want to pray for others. Let them get on with it - but just keep quiet about so doing. Simples.

Crafting. I am a Christian and have prayed for family and strangers alike. However never would I approach a total stranger in the street . I would silently pray for him . Why the need to make him feel less of a man? I also have tact and compassion .

I agree that this offer of praying for kitty's son was totally unacceptable and understand fully all the anger and hostility to this persons actions but if you think that offering to pray for someone is done to make the person praying to feel good about themselves you are wrong. I have prayed for many people but have NEVER done it to make myself feel good. Feeling good, self righteous, pitying, proud has never come into it as far as I am concerned. All I can say is many of you know some very strange 'Christians' if that is what you believe.

Cold Really good post.

codfsther no he absolutely shouldn’t have accepted it with good grace - he’s not someone’s pet project to help them feel better about themselves - he’s a grown man. Cold brilliant post - says everything I was trying to say.

Cold, I think you have expressed exactly what DS felt!

I understand the posters who say that it was a kind thing to do and he should have accepted the kindness with good grace. The woman could have prayed for him without making him feel uncomfortable.

He would never be rude (too well brought up for that!) but he was very upset to be singled out when he has worked very hard to be as 'normal' as possible.

It is interesting how many people are focussing on the needs of the person offering to pray rather than the wishes and feeling of the intended recipient.

I would have found this very upsetting if a complete stranger decided to draw attention to themselves in this way. I have become disabled following a serious accident and even though several years have passed I still find the disability very difficult and hate people staring or drawing attention to my disability. It reminds me of everything I have lost. I would be devastated if someone approached me out of the blue and made me into an object of pity.

Perhaps the prayer was "kindly meant" - but on the other hand the person also wanted recognition for being "good" otherwise they could have prayed without drawing attention to the fact. I would not mind if a person I knew wanted to pray but it just seems so presumptuous to accost a stranger because they have a disability.

I hate the idea that as a disabled person I have to put up with having attention called to my differences in public because it is "kindly meant" - would people be happy with being accosted by people offering to pray for them because they are fat, thin, short, tall or have a big nose?

I have wondered about suicide. If you want to die and somebody prevents that, is that a good thing?

But the case of the OPs son wasn't a quick instinctive reaction to a crisis so it's not really pertinent to the post.

How much are we justified in interfering in another persons life?

Who went away from that encounter feeling good and pleased with themselves? Who felt troubled and maybe less than before?

Isn't that what counts?

There are all kinds of nuances in doing things for someone else. How about if there is no time to ascertain whether they will welcome your interference?

And how about preventing a potential suicide?