Importance of grandparents

My paternal grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather when I was eleven. I have some memories of him but not that many. My maternal grandparents lived in Scotland and we were in the south of England. I saw them for a week or two once a year so didn't build up much of a relationship with my grandfather especially. My maternal grandmother lived long enough to see both my children born so I did forge a stronger relationship with her, given that I had moved to the North of England by then. Ours is a very small family (father an only child, mother one of three and only one of her sister's had a child (only one again). I am an only one and both my husbands were only children. I do feel a shortage of relations and that I missed out on a sense of family. I envy people who have family reunions. I think all this spurred me on to do family history research through which I have traced a number of 'long-lost cousins', and forged some online relationships via this. Nothing you can do about it really but it is sad.

Both of my grandfathers were dead before I was born, and I had a grandmother living locally until I was 3 and the other further away until I was 6. Apart from that I had no other relatives living anywhere near, we probably saw them once a year, if that. I have never felt that I have missed out at all. On the other hand my 2 sons had 4 grandparents living locally until they were about 20, and still have 2 now that they're in their 30's, plus other aunties and uncles, which is nice but I don't think it would have affected them badly if they hadn't.

I only ever knew my maternal grandmother who came to live with us when I was born as her husband ( my maternal grandfather) had died. He got to see my brother born but died just before my birth. Grannie was mostly our childminder as mum and dad both worked . I never knew my dads parents as he ran away from home to join the army as a boy-groom when he was 14. He had six sisters all older ( could be another reason for leaving home so early)....and he always kept in touch with them all. We were always visiting them and consequently got to know 9 cousins. Most of which I liked. Mum had two brothers but both lived in West Country so didn't see much of them. I live now within stones throw of one boy cousin and we bump into each other quite often and speak on phone. Reasonably close to my own two bros and one much older sister. We are not kissy-kissy, but I know instinctively they would be there if I really needed them. big families are goodish... but small ones can be more intimate and caring I think.

Wotnot, it's not remarkable that "Lots if not most" of us are grandparents. This is Gransnet lol

I only had one granny in her 70's when I was born who was deaf and a grandad on the other side who died when I was 8, a couple of unmarried aunts and an uncle who was not in touch very much but as saggi says being a small family we were all very close. When my children were small they had 3 out of 4 grandparents and a step granny but unfortunately 2 died quite young and a third before they were out of their teens so the remaining great granny was treated with care! Their children seem to have grannies and grandads all over the place which is fun for them.

Wotnot
I understand completely how you feel. Growing up I had just my maternal grandmother and no grandfathers as they had passed long before I was born. When my own three children were born my husband's parents were quite old and not particularly interested - my husband is the youngest by far seven siblings all of who had long since provided the grandchildren. Added to this the siblings all lived and raised their children abroad. My mother was an only child so I had no aunties,uncles or cousins and I must say I have felt all through my life that we all missed out because of this. Apart from my eldest child the others have no memory of any grandparents. I have no grandchildren yet, my eldest son is expecting our first grandchild this summer. I am working on finding a happy medium between "determined to be a positive bedrock in my grandchild's life" and "being a relaxed loving presence" My birth family is very small however relationships with my own children are wonderful. When the love is there that's really all that matters

I was an only child of “older - in those days- parents and both were much the youngest of their families. My only surviving grandad died when I was 3, I remember him as a little man whose feet didn’t touch the floor when he sat in my Dad’s special chair! Most of my aunts and uncles I never saw. To my surprise my Dad’s eldest sister (23 years older than him! ) came with her husband to my wedding! In later years I made contact with her daughter who was 23 years older than me and visited her until she died at 98! Still in contact with her son and daughter.

Forgot to add, I have 4 children with families and we are close - have family Christmases when we can!

I cared for my first gs from birth until he started big school, and actually changed my work pattern as an home career to nights so that his parents could work full time to pay their mortgage.
He is eighteen now and his visits to me are very few and far between and most of that time he is more interested with his smart phone than live contact with me and his grandad..
Most of our friends are experiencing the same thing.
That is the way of the world now and I suppose we have to learn to accept it

This is not a new phenomena as we have discovered whilst doing family research. People have always been mobile and moved to where the work is available. People in service moved around the country where there were multiple estates in families. Military people moved around and met and married where they were stationed. Industry spread and experienced workers helped start new ventures. Some were even transported. We found that we have it all in our family! Then you have folk like us who moved and retired to where they had a yen to be.And yes, I do feel guilty as my family is scattered to the four winds but it is what it is!
Our DS and DDIL moved for work anyway and they had big photographs of the GPS and GAPs so that their D.C. would know who we all are. It has worked well and we are all close, talk lots although we don't get together as much as any of us would like. It all takes work and willingness to do it and you have to dismiss the guilt as it is destructive.

Mamamags
You must feel quite sad about your grandson's lack of "real communication" with you. Perhaps things will improve as he matures. Only being an expectant grandmother right now I have seen lots of situations between grandparents and young parents. It seems to me the grandparents, particularly the grandmothers can't do enough to rear the gc. These are usually gp who had little /no help rearing their own and very little luxuries but were absolutely content in their roles. Now they're expected to do it all again. I have some questions I'd like to get your feedback on. Are young parents today more invested in accumulating material things than treasuring the fleeting days of childhood? Why, when a young mother says she needs to work because her childcare is like a second mortgage does she not scrap that second expense and gift herself the joy of rearing her own children?

Dear OP, don't feel guilty, you didn't do this to hurt your children, your life just turned out this way. Lots of people grow up without grandparents or any other relatives in their neighbourhood, and most of them turn out fine. My married daughter lives in London, we live in Belgium as do our son and his wife. They have a babyboy who often is with me, I get to pick him up at daycare, care for him when he has a cold etc. It hurts to think that when my daughter becomes a mother I won't be able to do the same for her and her child. But that's life, we all make our own choices, and then make the best of it. Now enjoy your adult children and when they start their own family, be sure to create the kind of environment where they love to come back to and carry their children trough your door.

I grew up mostly without family other than my parents around me as my dad was in the armed forces. Didn't even think about it when i was young, perhaps because I was around others in same situation. We dont really miss what we've never had. Plus its amazing, even reading on here, how many people with close family contact just end up falling out.

faye17 I hope I'm treading the line between being a supportive G & a loving presence but not intrusive. I take my lead from DD, she knows I'm there if she needs me. I moved to be nearer after my DH died, about 10 miles apart now but with eldest DGS's activities (he's nearly 8) I don't see them frequently, we are making a point of meeting up for coffee on a Sunday after they've been to a Car Boot. DGS1 has some memories of my DH who was a loving GP, he would have loved having another GS (9 months old). Other set of GPs live about the same distance away but rarely visit, they have no interest in DGSs.

My DD knew all her GPs & my DM is 89 & although she only see her GGC once a year there is a bond between them, she lives 300 miles from where we all live.

I knew all 4 of my GPs, Paternal Grandma died when I was 5 & Paternal Grandpa when I was 11, I was fond of them both although I remember them as being quite "Victorian".

I saw more of Maternal GPs as they lived in the same village, Granny died when I was 8, a few years later Granddad came to live with us. I have many fond memories of them & we were a close loving family.

I have 3 Cousins all older than me, I occasionally see my oldest Cousin. I had two sets of Aunts & Uncles who I used to visit & have very happy memories of Boxing Day family gatherings.

My DM didn't know any of her GPs, lots of Cousins but not local to her, we did visit them, again I have childhood memories. I count my blessings but not everyone has that sort of family.

We can't choose what has happened in the past wotnot but hopefully you will have GC & give them lots of love

Faye17
Congratulations on your expectancy as a new gp.
In my own opinion it seems most of my friends who have gc spend their retirement looking after them. Young couples appear to want more material things these days and keeping up with the Jones ies is more apparent now than it has ever been.
I genuinely believe that they want to do the best for their children so they have to have a second wage coming in and in orderto achieve this they have to rely on extended families to help

If it's doesn't worry your daughter too much - then why are you letting it worry you. And why, in heavens name, would you take on a feeling of guilt over it? I think you should take a step back, look around and be thankful for the life you have today - and not dwell on the life you had 4 or 5 decades ago. If you get stuck with feelings of guilt and sadness over something like this, it could be an indication that maybe you are beginning to slip into depression. You may need to share your feelings with a medical professional and ask for help.

Distance and a certain coolness between my father's relations and my mother meant we only saw my grandparents (Daddy's parents) and my maternal grandmother when I was a child. I never got to know all the uncles, aunts and cousins my father sometimes spoke of. This sort of thing is fairly common obviously for our generation.

My advice to anyone who feels their children are missing out on something by not having grandparents and to all the grandparents who don't or can't see their grandchildren is to try and find some neighbours or friends in the opposite category.

What I mean is, if you are in the grandparent age bracket, see if you can find a young family who would like an "extra set" of grandparents. If they family already have grandparents who they don't see more than once or twice a year, you don't need to tread on toes by calling yourself grandparents, but you can fulfil the part of the grannie who is on hand to help out with crises or provide small treats.

It is wonderful if you have a good network of relatives around you but a well known saying is lucky you can choose your friends as your stuck with your relatives. Sibling rivalry is often a problem.

My sil who is a widow in Australia has a wonderful network of friends and no relatives in Australia. I envy her.

Don't waste time feeling guilty about things you can't change. Life is too short.

Be kind to yourself Wotnot and don't feel guilty. You dealt with the hand you were given.

It's not until I became a grandmother myself a couple of years ago that I've thought more and more about what it might have been like to have a grandmother around - I never had any. I picture someone to go to for cuddles and chats, but like has been said no good dwelling on it and despite having no personal experience of what a grandmother might be, I'm simply doing my best and hope that what comes naturally will be sufficient.

Hi,
You guys are all so lucky getting contact with your grandkids. We have four grandkids. Two are overseas and we regularly skype etc. Two are here, where we came, at their parents asking, 4 years ago. Unfortunately we are allowed no contact with them. This is their mother's doing. We were told in an email that 'these are our kids, not yours. We didn't have them for you.' So we've made a new life. We go out with people who don't have kids, take night classes, and think of other things. Life is not easy for anyone, as far as I can tell, but it's good to make the most of what we do have - in my case, a loving husband and good friends.!

I had 3 GGPs alive when I was born towards the end of the war. Two died when I was very young but remembered going on the train to Essex to see my materal GGM who was dressed in black and very wizened eith white hsir. I think she lived until her late 90s. I had 3 GPs and then the 4th turned up when I was 3 but died a few months later. My 3 GPs were alive until my late 20s so they were all alive when my children were born. My DC also had 3 GGPs in their fathers side but they only remember one as the other two died while they were very young. My DPs were wonderful GPs who looked after them in the school holidays as I was working. But not so their paternal GPs who really didnt want to know. My lovely Mum even cared for some of my grandchildren when needed. I then adopted a second family and my DPs were lovely GPs to them too. I don't see so much of my GC now as we live abroad but most of them were adults before we retired.

Well said Samie - thankyou

Sound words legs55
Much appreciated