Problems with the Mother in Law?

My MiL was great...pity about her son.

I am a MIL and sadly my relationship with my DiL is not great . I had a good relationship with my MiL even though she was a lot older than my own dear mum. Most people have stated the stark fact though that we were a generation that treated the older ones with respect and usually managed to bite our tongue when something didn't feel quite right with either our mum's or MIL. These days it appears that conflict and constraining relationships with grandchildren is sadly more the norm!. Impossible to generalist but my heart goes out to many grans on grans net for that reason. We are all different including our DiL's i guess?

My MiL was lovely. I feel so lucky to have known her. Sadly she died last year: I think about her often.

generalise!

I cant say I was terribly close to my MiL but she was fine on the whole and I did get quite fond of her. We got on quite well I think though she annoyed me at times.. However she never interfered or criticised.
I also get on well with DiL and SiL so I think I must be lucky. I do try to be supportive and not critical - I keep my thoughts to myself as there are things about both which annoy me but would not dream of letting them know! They are both decent people and are suppotive of my S&D so you cant really say fairer than that! Im sure I annoy them too but they are too polite to say!

My MIL didn't like me from the start. Called me a Slag and that I wasn't allowed in her house. God knows what I'd done. I hadn't even met her at that point.

It was always frosty, she didn't acknowledge me and wouldn't talk to me. She didn't think I'd last. There was nothing there at all. She scared me abit tbh!

Then she found out I was pregnant. The damage had been done by then. I knew she didn't like me, DH knew she didn't like me, I knew she was faking it all. Not really fussed about the baby untill I have birth and she treated me like an oven.
She did not care about me at all and boy it showed!
It was like I'd had a baby just to give her a grandchild.
She wanted a family photo and asked me to take the picture. Things like that.
DH would constantly apologies for her.

It went down hill very fast. Lots of things happened and after a few years it all kicked off, we don't see her anymore.

Jefm, I think you’re right, I kept my mouth shut and tried to stay away from my MIL, which was easy as she wasn’t interested in any of us anyway.
Nowadays, everyone seems so adamant that they are right and they won’t just let anything go, it’s all confrontation.
Which is sad when GCs are involved.
However, my Mum was a great MIL to my husband and not so great with my poor SIL who married my brother, that’s because we all believed him ( he was her darling boy) when he told us how awful things were at his home and cheered him on when they separated, if only we had known the truth at the time.

My MIL was a lovely bighearted woman who welcomed her DILs into her family with open arms. Very sadly she died when she was 51. I have tried to make her my role model.

I agree with oldmeg, in her post of 8.29, basic good manners should ensure that MiLs are treated with respect at the very least.

Very strange MiL who was really nice for a few years, then not, then lovely, then the marriage broke down and she had no contact with me or her grandchildren. I sent her a card on a big birthday which was returned, torn up. She doesn't know she has a wonderful GGD as her son is cut of the same cloth.
However I have the best DiL in the world, (although my sister says she has the best 3 DiLs) which makes up for everything.

Treat everyone with respect. Those who don't reciprocate the respect, create some emotional distance from. Looking for conflict in a world full of tension and conflict is no way to live - much love, peace and calm, from Pollyanna

Nobody should have unlimited respect solely based on their position within a family.
If a person treats other someone badly or with little to no respect then they will lose the care and respect of those around them.
It's cause and affect.

jefm spot on!
Iam64 creating emotional distance can be a very very difficult balance in a MIL/DIL relationship! And "looking for conflict" is not necessarily the problem!!

Madgran what do you mean? Where did I say that? Please retract.

My MIL was a no nonsense lady from the North East. We got on well and after her son and I were divorced she told him that if he had treated me better then I wouldn't have left him !!!

I got on reasonably well with my late MIL but l always got the impression (probably wrongly) that l wasn’t quite as acceptable as my DH’s brother’s wife who she got on with like a house on fire. As a result l didn’t really see much of them and my DH took our 2 boys there for a couple of hours every Sunday and l stayed at home. It’s something l look back on now with some degree of guilt and sadness.

After having my two sons ..and no daughters ..I now have two DIL’s of my own and l love both the girls dearly. We all get on really well and l count myself very lucky. A long time ago before they all married l always had in my mind that when they picked their wives ...it would be their choice ...and they would quite rightly come first in my sons lives. It was down to me to form a good relationship with their wives which is what l have fortunately been able to do.
As a result of this l am rewarded by having unlimited access to my grandcherubs ...overnight stays etc; ...lots of family gatherings ..meals out etc;

So l really do believe that it’s up to us MIL’s ...if we want a good relationship with our sons and their wives ..we have to put in as much effort as possible to achieve it.
If not then we all run the risk of losing contact with our sons as well as any children they may have.
I know it’s not always possible in every situation but if you can try ...the rewards are worth it.

Madgran, nonnie was commenting on my question regarding the use of Mother’s in Law rather than mother in Laws.

My husband says he couldn’t have had a better or kinder MIL.... he got on better with my mum than his own, who was a manipulative.. complaining and lazy woman! My SIL is great and lost his mum just after he married my daughter ten years ago...he gave me a hug the other day and said he couldn’t imagine a better MIL. It’s not difficult... just keep your nose out of their business and try to be helpful. I have no probs with him , or him with me!

Thanks Oops I find it very difficult when people say something unpleasant because they haven't read the thread properly. It is very difficult to know if they are doing it deliberately or not.

The clue was in the use of your name Oops even though I typed it wrong! Apologies for that.

No probs Nonnie

My m-i-l was lovely but we got off on a very easy footing from the start. My own mother had an adversarial relationship with her m-i-l and never hesitated to complain bitterly about her. She might well have poisoned my mind about mothers-in-law, and both my sisters had very rocky relationships with theirs, but I was lucky. My dear m-i-l and I had a long relationship of mutual liking and respect.

3- first was a raging alcoholic and jealous.met her 2xs,it was enough! raised her 3 younest sons for her
#2 was a diamond in the rough.at first she was nasty to me til i fought back(didn;t take her bs)she liked that and informed me she just wanted to see if i was worthyam still friends with ex
3rd a teacher, was the gem of them all.we hit it off the minute we met.didnt get to see her often but wrote alot.she died 3 yrs ago at age 90 and dh a year ago i miss both.#3 used to tell me" if he doesn't behave you tell him i will lay him out in lavender"(had to look that one up).she would then giggle.he was in his 60s at the time.
i miss 2 and 3 and somehow # 1 ended up living 10 miles away and is still alive.
myDILs are wonderful and we have 3 way emails at least once a week catching up on sons and gc.
some are good, some are bad as in all things,
congratulations to those celebrating anniversaries.

I believe I have a similar relationship with my son-in-law. I think he'd agree.

Nonnie I did misunderstand , and apologies for that, but it was not intended as unpleasant!!