Expectation that I will always pay

I think it quite difficult, and whatever happens it’s a pity if resentment creeps in. When I saw my lovely but now sadly late mother for coffee etc once a week, generally she would pay. I didn’t feel that I took her for granted, we both knew she had more money than me (I had a huge mortgage etc at that time) and we were both very pragmatic.

I now usually pay for my daughter and her children if we go out for lunch or tea, as they are paying a mortgage. Likewise, no resentment from me.

If resentment creeps in, it’s very difficult - if you want to pay, and can afford it, then pay and if you want to pay half the time or less, to be more equal, perhaps say that your expenses have gone up, and you now can’t afford to pay every time but that might be risky if you want to see your grandchildren and your DiL is being iffy.

I know quite a few people who have downsized to get their children onto the property market, for some it’s been VERY successful, and for others it’s been either annoying or disastrous when the (now ex) DiL or SiL has walked off with far more than had ever been anticipated. One friend in fact converted her house into two flats, son and DiL moved into the ground floor flat with their baby. After five years and the young couple divorcing, the then ex wife evicted him from his mothers house. All very odd and disagreeable.

Do hope it works out ?

Hmm difficult one. We tend to treat our daughters and family to meals out as we are in a financially better position as they have mortgages, childcare etc and we are now mortgage free and although retired we still have a good income and savings. They usually offer to cover their food though and they do treat us occasionally. They are also good with money and don't chuck it around as far as I can see. They have high mortgages though, are paying back student loans and have childcare bills for our grandchildren and I remember how tight money was for us when we were at that stage in life. My mum also generally treats us even though we can well enough afford to pay but she says she likes to and we live a long way away from each other. We also do insist on treating her sometimes and always remember birthdays/Christmas gifts and cards etc.

I think you need to have a discussion with your DS going forward maybe when you arrange your next get together. Do you feel uncomfortable saying you cannot afford to pick up the whole bill and give them the option of choosing somewhere cheaper? I strongly suspect the meetings may be less frequent if you are no longer paying so would you be ok with that? No way should you be pushed into remortgaging.

It’s all pretty horrid.
I think you’d better let them know you are going skiing.

S spending
K kids
I inheritance

That you need it all and more.

Absolutely agree with all who say that you shouldn’t, under any circumstances, even consider re-mortgaging your home - outrageous suggestion! Sorry to be so blunt!
The problem seems to me to be that you resent being used by them. Lots on here don’t and that’s fine. My DD is a hardworking single Mum who receives no maintenance from her ex and has no spare cash so I do treat her, DS has a good job and he often treats us. But if you feel you’re being used you should say something so that resentment doesn’t get worse - the sooner the better.

I always used to pay, but now find that the children are probably a lot better off than me, so we normally take it in turns. Having said that I would still be happy to pay as I would rather spend the money now and see them enjoy it rather than leave it to them once I'm gone. Happy memories made now are worth a lot more than regrets in the future!

I don't mind treating my children and their families. But I do mind when I feel uncared for, taken for granted, not loved. I think that's your problem. Some children show more love than others. Unfortunately. We all want to feel appreciated.. But you can't change people. sorry.

I agree moorlikeit!

This ‘who is paying?’ thing is difficult. My DD has a job that pays more than I ever earned and is very well off though she spends money like water. Her DF and I are, respectively, retired and made redundant, so are not flush at all. We often meet up for lunch in a cafe which is now the only time we can afford to eat out at all. I don’t eat lunch so only have a drink which keeps the bill down. However, she and her DB have only recently started paying for themselves.

My DH and DD both worked and work in places where lunch on expenses is and was usual and so order very expensive meals.

It all makes me feel most uncomfortable.

This is really sad. So sorry you are being treated like this by someone you love and that it seems to you that you are not valued for yourself. I've no advice to offer really. If it were me and I only saw my son once a month, I wouldn't always want to be out, I'd like to cook a meal at home sometimes. It would break my heart not to see my granddaughter regularly - just once a month would seem to me like an absolute age! I suspect I'd just be glad to be seeing them and not mind if it was always me paying.

In point of fact when we eat out it is usually me or my husband who pays for the food, because they have to be a bit careful with money, what with paying a mortgage and putting our granddaughter into nursery 3 days a week while her mother goes to work. On this last point, I have offered many times to mind the little one for at least one afternoon a week, but so far my Dil hasn't taken me up on that, which is a bit of a sorrow for me. Negotiating when I might get to see my dgd is as much as can think about just now, so whether I pay or not when we meet up isn't very important to me, but I do hope you can resolve your particular situation to everyone's happiness. All the best.

I understand the feeling of sometimes being taken a bit for granted, with the expectation that we will always pick up the bill. Occasionally a half hearted offer is made but rarely if ever accepted by us. But sometimes to their surprise we say thank you very much. That surprises them.
It’s interesting that grandparents usually get a fraction of the income our adult children who work get, yet tend to be the ones who pay, not only for meals out but for family activities, holidays, shoes, clothes , school trips, money loaned or given, but this can’t come out of our income because state pension is only £115 so our savings are used. We have always had to be frugal and gone go without extras saving for this rainy day. There was no financial or other help from our parents. So the trouble is at this rate we won’t have enough when our rainy day comes as we age and need more help with all sorts of things.
Will our children be there to give us a hand, either practically or financially? I rather think not, it will all have been spent, they are too busy....it’s taken 5 requests over a period of a year for our sil to assist with one small job. We still wait. Patiently.

Resentment is the key here as others have said. If you have the money and can do it with an open heart and take pleasure in it, then do it. If you can't then don't.

Dad is still working after early retirement so whenever I offer to pay (without fail) he makes a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp and tells me not to be daft. He says it is “a father thing”, I suppose a few visits to Costa every year are not going to make much difference to him!

Mum always accepts though so I suppose it evens out in the end!!

We always pay for our (adult) children + children in law + baby grandson. We're not rich but can afford it. Now that the children don't live with us anymore, so don't eat-shower-snack etc. here, it's a way of doing something nice for them. They appreciate it, and we love going out for a meal together. I do cook for them at home as well, and they appreciate that too. The money......I prefer to spend some now that we can enjoy it ?

I love it when my dd, who lives about 120 miles away comes to see me with dgs and I always enjoy treating them to meals out as I know she has so little money and most of her salary goes on childcare so she can work. If it is only once a month and you can afford it and they can't afford to pay for meals out then I would pay and enjoy treating them. You know what they say there are no pockets in a shroud and they will most likely inherit when you pass anyway so why not watch them enjoy meals now. Whilst I am generous with all my dc and always pay for meals I would not be remortgaging my home though. Both my ds buy me flowers if I am unwell and will cook me a meal or treat me to afternoon tea out. All 3 of my dc also buy me lovely birthday, Mother's day and Christmas gifts even though I tell them just flowers and no gift please so I don't feel taken for granted.

It has to stop Emm....it’s freeloading!
No meals out with them.

2 of my children who have families are fairly skint, 2 of them without a family yet are much better off than us. We cook for them all at home with pleasure, but if we ever go out for a family meal,there will be at least 14 of us including 4 kids so we would split the bill per couple so the kids food and drink is spread out. Everyone is happy with that. If we are out for someone’s birthday that person and their partner would be paid for by everyone else. We are happy with that. We help out the ones with children by buying them things like panto tickets, buying clothes or shoes as and when. I think the OP is resentful as it all seems to be take and no give on the part of the son and his wife. Just tell them can we split the bill, or can we bring food to your house instead of going out, maybe going out for a birthday celebration so they can’t pretend to have forgotten.

I hate being taken for granted, especially in situations such as this. I would suggest, as have others, that you eat at home and if they chose not to then you are facing the fact that, disappointing as it is, their visits are mainly for the free meals. I would strongly suggest you do not remortgage your home. It is extremely rude of them to even 'hint' at doing so and an inheritance is not a right - it is a choice.

Oh come on Nanof5 are they really going to meet up once a month just for a free meal ? One meal a month ? If they didn’t want to see their mum and dad I m sure they could manage without one meal a month
This has just become a habit, Mum and Dad have always treated them once a month so there’s no thought of it being any different and unless Emm makes it clear that it’s come to an end they will continue to have no idea there’s a problem
The resentment has built up in Emms head and is now ready to burst out she started the habit in good faith but hasn’t told anyone the goalposts have changed but is then even more resentful that they haven’t read hermind

Emm, I really do sympathise - as they never travel to you 'because of the travel costs', I really do think they are using you as the source of a free meal out every month, especially in light of your DIL saying she only keeps in touch with her elderly relative for the future inheritance - she sounds a delight ?
Please don't consider remortgaging your home, however hard she starts hinting. I argue with my DD all the time but she rarely lets me pay for so much as a coffee, as she earns much more than I ever did. And they never even treat you for your birthday or ever buy you a coffee? I wouldn't tolerate it, sorry. Is the only time you get to see DGS in a restaurant once a month or do you spend any 'quality time' with him at all? I'm thinking I would want to see DGS but would not be so keen on seeing DS and DIL so trying to visualise these monthly visits and what exactly they involve?

Bluebell.
Very harsh comment

I don't think it was a harsh comment from Bluebelle. We are only hearing one side of the story. The OP doesn't say she can't afford it.

The son and wife sound rather thoughtless, but at least they make the effort to meet monthly. If OP has always paid, they may think she likes and is happy to do it. Surely they need a chance to be told she now feels differently, so they can address this. It's not worth falling out over.

Granny do tell me what I said that is harsh I will happily hold my hand up if I say something out of order but I don’t see what I said harshly in that post

I didn't think that BlueBelle's comment was harsh either. I think it was possibly the most insightful summaration of OPs problem so far. If the young family haven't been made aware that OP can't/doesn't want to pay for the monthly meal out, how are they supposed to know? No point at all in being annoyed or upset with them when they are probably oblivious that there's a problem in the first place.

I'm new here, and dont understand all the abbreviations.! I get that DIL is daughter in law, what is DS & DH etc and any others I should know?

I feel this is a build up for OP of a general feeling of being taken for granted. If resentment builds up then it will start seeping out inevitably souring the relationship, and putting at risk future family contact.
I wonder why OP has not felt able to mention any of this to her son? This can be raised without drama if tackled carefully.