Toxic daughter in laws

I do think there is a difference now to when most of us married and had Mils. My Mil had difficulty sharing her only son but I 'killed her with kindness' until she accepted me. I put up with stuff from her I would not put up with from my own mother for the sake of DH. Unfortunately she didn't live long enough to become a grandmother. I don't think Dils these days put in that much effort to get on with their Mils.

Perhaps we should look at the situation in a wider sense. Does the Dil get on well with other people, other members of her own family? If not, perhaps it is her fault. If she prevents her husband having contact with his family and puts him a the position of 'them or me' it would appear to be her fault. However, if the Mil has problems with her family and has other Dils she doesn't get on with maybe she is at fault. If a Mil has other Dils she gets on well with there must be a question about the one she doesn't get on well with.

I have a lovely DIL.

What about Sister in L? My DH gets on well with his brother and enjoys his company. Just wish I could get on better with his wife, she is so difficult- no sense of humour at all. We would get together more often but it is impossible.

As with any relationship, how successful it is depends entirely on the individuals concerned, so really there are no hard and fast rules as to how the relationship will pan out and of course there are always two sides.

There is a thread on MN at the moment entitled "AIBU to ask my mil not to drink tea" which would seem entirely unreasonable until one reads on "whilst simultaneously holding my 5 month old baby" " The mil here seems to be playing some irresponsible and ludicrous one upmanship telling the mother she is being overly precious with her child. It makes me wonder what sort of woman would wish to score points in such a potentially dangerous situation, aside from going against her dil wishes demonstrating a complete lack of respect. Pil should remember they are one step back, unless they have custody of the grandchildren. Respect of course works both ways and I have read equally shocking accounts of unkind behaviour inflicted on mils by their offsprings' partners.

I have two lovely DIL. I try my best to not interfere, express my opinions, if I know they would be controversial to them. I help out if asked, offer to look after gc for school hols etc. But I do not expect them to automatically live life how I would like them to. As long as they are kind, supportive and caring towards my sons that's all I do expect.

I have said here before that I have two wonderful Daughters-in law and an equally wonderful MIL, I am blessed.
I do hope that in turn I have been a good DIL and a good MIL

I completely know where you’re coming from. I have tried so very hard to just be accepted by my DIL, but I’m beginning to think it will never happen. I do think my DS is partly to blame as, sadly he has turned out to be quite weak person when it comes to us. Example: England playing in the World Cup on the Saturday. DS and DIL had a BBQ and invited her parents but not us. No idea why not. Same as the Baby Shower for my DGS, DIL’s mother and God Mother invited but not me! Was so hurt I cried for days. Yet still I keep trying.

Rosie. I know just how you feel. We find out about their lives on Facebook. I have given up on my DIL but not my son. I have been trying for 20 years.

Every mother has ways of bringing up her children and the daughters follow the pattern. There are many different patterns. It is very easy for the dil and the mil not to approve of or understand the way the other one is acting , and not neccessarrily (sorry, can't spell it today, too hot) not just in relation to the children but in all sorts of other ways. (that's a bit over the top...she ought to call more...why do that etc). This leads to misunderstandings, and often you don't see the mil or dil enough to understand what is going on or the motivation

I have 2 daughters in law one who is very forthright and outspoken. The dil 2 is gentle natured, kind and always appreciates me and grandad. I think there is a lot to do with personalities.
I dont always get along with 1 dil 1 . Keeping a polite distance but maintand a presence I find gets the best results.

Different families behave differently, perhaps many of these so called toxic DIL's think their in laws are toxic, and lets be honest, new marriage new relations can be very scary and seem a threat, especially the so called perfect mum in law.

Daughters In Law probably turn toxic because they have to put up with clinging mothers who cannot accept their son has married and cut the apron strings. Too often on this site!

So original poster has thrown this into the ring and disappeared

I have three sons, no daughters.

My two daughters in law are not from the UK. They both left their own parents and families to come to this country.

My husband and I are the only hand on parents and grandparents to them all.
We feel a massive responsibilty to them because we are the only ones nearby.

I’ve never had any issues with DIL’s or SIL’s and even an ex DIL is still in touch regularly. She has remarried and has a little boy, and even he calls me Nanny even tho he is not mine. I can only advise total honesty, befriending and having an agreement to iron out any issues that arise, calmly and respectfully.

I think something to consider here, it's all too easy to blame the DILs for awkward relationships we might have with them but we don't know what our son's have said about us prior to meeting?
We all like to think we are fantastic parents but who knows? Our kids may feel resentment towards us regarding how we raised them? Things that were said and/or done? I'm lucky in that I have a lovely DIL and I'm very proud of her and all she has achieved plus giving us two gorgeous GSs though I imagine that my boy moans about me from time to time.

My MIL was a horrid person at least as far as I was concerned.
she was undermining of me from the off! Didn’t approve of make up wearing (floozy material apparently.?) No wife should work etc. disapproved of extended breast feeding,we used to argue about her attempts to sneak in bottled milk when she baby sat.didn’t think DD’s should go to nursery (me palming them off apparently) disapproved of my exotic and vegetarian cooking, and repeatedly tried to call SS to say that due to a meatless diet,the children were not being fed properly!
All in all no one was good enough for her precious boys!
She had a poor relationship with DS 2’s wife as well as with me,and tolerated the meeker DS3 wife.
She made my life a misery, from day one!
I tried so hard to please her in the beginning, invited her to stay with us after she had been unwell, cooked favourite foods took her out to NT properties, since she had given up her car, and much more, but to no avail?
She even used to call my parents to complain about me!
My DM on the other hand, while not agreeing with some of my parenting choices, such as the vegetarian diet respected me enough, and could see the children thriving, not to question or under mine me.
The poor relationship can be fault from either side, but there is nothing worse than carping snide remarks and rose tinted glasses!
My DD’s comment that I don’t interfere or offer unsolicited advice. on occasion I have been appealed to as regards a parenting dispute, and if I think SIL is right I will say so! It seems to be the thing that all 3 SIL like and respect me for.

I try not to say things about MIL because, well, nothing will ever change.

But about five years ago she made my BIL, her youngest son, homeless. Quite intentionally. He has a bunch of quite serious health problems and she put him out of the property she paid for (in his name of course, tax dodge) and left him roofless. (He hadn’t done anything, btw. She admitted she was bored and wanted a project, so she wanted him out to redecorate the property.)

I told my DH in no uncertain terms he was coming to stay with us. There was obviously resistance on his part, because he is afraid of his mum’s rejections.

I told him that as long as I have a roof, my brothers will have a roof.

MIL went completely nuts and accused me of “disrespecting her authority”.

Whatever. She made her son homeless. I have every right to offer my home to my own family member.

There’s a point where you have to realise, you aren’t the one with the problem.

I have always treated and been treated by my DsIL as friends. They are great mums and I have never attempted to interfere with the GCs' up-bringing. They are the daughters I never had.

I am going to tell you about my experience with my DiL , Son worked away at last year and I was asked if I could assist with childcare, this involved getting up at 5.30 am so that she could drop them off at 6.30 on her way to work, I then took them to Nursery and school and then went to work myself. I picked them up from school after my mornings work, brought them home , fed them and saved her a meal so that she did not have to cook when she got home at 6.00. I accepted no payment and was not offered any, I did this 4 days a week for 9 months until son came home again, my DH fixed her car, mended the boiler and cut the lawns and kept the garden tidy, despite all of the above help, she stopped speaking to me, told me that I was not to be trusted and accused me trying to break up her and my son's relationship. None of which was true. I cannot see that I did anything but try to help and I still struggle to see what I have done wrong. She is still not speaking to us and has made my son's life very difficult because he does!

Amazing. These are simply my observations. From my experience and from what I have seen with my friends, most DIL’s are difficult and hard to please. These relationships are very different from the wonderful relationship I had as did my friends with our MIL’s. But, I did not feel entitled and was appreciative of anything she did for us. I’m seeing a completely different attitude today. No need to go on the attack, I’m just expresssing my views and maybe a need to vent. I’ve tried to be a wonderful MIL. I don’t medddle, don’t give advice but am always there when needed. And before my son finished law school, I was very generous in getting her whatever she wanted bc she was constantly on my son about money. To everyone who knew me, I was a wonderful MIL and still try to be. But, I have learned regardless of what I do it’s never enough.
This is not an isolated occurrence. I’m seeing it over and over again with my friends and their DIL’s. I guess what bothers me the most is seeing what these girls are doing to families.

Perhaps you can have a word with my MIL then who has insisted my husband give her thirty thousand pounds out of our recent home sale due to a complicated financial arrangement that boils down to her having defrauded the taxman and charged us some incredible amount of interest on a ‘loan’ I certainly knew nothing about.

I mean, the grandchildren she professes to love so much obviously have no use for this money now or in the future.

DH is too frightened not to give it to her as she says she says she will disown him otherwise.

There are plenty of a**ehole DILs about no question, but plenty of a**ehole MILs to match them.

If only we could have matched them all up, the rest of us would be happy as clams!!

In short: it’s pretty hard to ‘appreciate’ demands for thirty grand, years of verbal abuse, and your brother in law being sent to you in tears with his stuff in black binbags.

I accept you are in a different position to me though!

Jeank2565

Interesting post, and the replies. This subject was brought up a few months ago and if my memory serves me right, there were quite a few who didn,t have a good relationship with their Dils. I have friends who have nice Dils but also some with Dils from hell. My first MIL was my mom, she was wonderful. The second one was indifferent and saw us as 'outlaws' and not 'in laws'

Jean2565 "But, I have learned regardless of what I do it’s never enough" I really recognise that one! .