Toxic daughter in laws

My DIL is on the surface nice and polite but I have noticed she never invites us to any of the DGCs school plays, or any other events. We get coffee and cake at their house fo DGCs birthday always after the party is finished. Oh and we find out if one of them is ill or in hospital on Facebook. Not great really

Certainly I recognize these bad relationships go both ways but I’m not so sure that fact is acknowledged concerning the DIL. It appears to me that so few like their MIL’s and I wonder what is really underneath that? Ok I realize by expressing my opinions I’m about to get blasted but bc this situation is heartbreaking to me, I’ll take the backlash. I firmly believe jealousy is a huge component. Again from my observations, when the son has been close to his mother and holds her in high esteem, it seems to threaten the DIL. I think the DIL then tries to destroy the image her husband has of his mother, maybe due to insecurity issues. I don’t understand it. Can he not love his mother too? Of course his wife comes first so please don’t misunderstand. But, just as the daughter loves and respects her mother, she should allow the same for her husband. I’m not seeing it. Instead it seems to create resentment and a desire for the DIL to harm her husband’s relationship with his mother. Without being mean, I’d like to hear what others think.

The world is not full of wonderful people, some are nice, some are alright and some just plain nasty.

Nice or nasty, most marry and become MiLs, Dils, FiLs, SiLs etc etc. It stands to reason that some of these relationships will work and others won't. It is the same at work, some managers/colleagues are great are others are horrid, ditto one's immediate blood family.

I think we spend far too much time dissecting MiL/DiL relations. Like every other relationship some work some do not.

Any relationship that depends on one party trying to 'buy' the other person's favour is doomed to failure. Offer someone the help that you can manage and then get on with your life. It is isn't enough for them, that is their problem not yours. They are more likely to respond positively to you because you keep your self respect than if you grovel to them and try to ingratiate yourself with them.

If it is clear nothing will improve your relationship. Do not waste time trying to do the impossible. There are far more rewarding things to do with your time and money.

Sorry if I’ve been redundant. I never expected so many comments and am just now able to read them. My purpose was not to offend. I just needed to get some things off my chest and then hear the reactions. Thank u.

My MIL is CO. Out of 3 of her surviving children she is in very low contact with 1 and CO from 2.

She will blame the evil DIL and say what an amazing mother. Not that she's a raging bitch.

Even when we were in contact I didn't want anything to do with her so just left her to my husband. Why do I want to spend my time and effort with someone like that?
She's not my mother I married my husband not her.

I was polite. I was hospitable and I engaged in conversations when spoken to but my marriage did not obligate me to that idiot.

jean2565 I don't think you need to apologise. As I said I recognise what you describe

My husband’s relationship with his mother is 100% his business to manage and cultivate.

I have never got in the way of it. But it is absolutely not in any way my responsibility to try and manage another grown adult’s relationship with their mother who absolutely has never wanted me in her or H’s life from day one.

As the Polish saying goes, “not my circus, not my monkeys”. She doesn’t want a family relationship with me. That’s fine. I got utterly tired of throwing away my efforts only to have scorn poured on me.

She’s his mum, and his problem.

If I sound particularly narky right now, he has just forwarded me a text from her where she “expects” that we - with a third baby on the way and a house move next month, on top of the thirty grand she’s just got from us - to “sponsor” her trip to Lourdes as a helper this month to the tune of a thousand pounds as she has inexplicably not bothered to do any fund raising for it.

She has also copied this to the same BIL she made homeless.

Sazzl why is it up to her to invite you. Your son should be doing all that. If he doesnt blame him not her.

I see alot women blaming the dil instead of the son for the son not being in contact enough.

A lot of men were raised thinking that the women will do all the mental work, organising family etc. Now younger women have started to turn against that.

If your son doesnt invite or contact you, that is about yhe relationship between you and him. Its all too easy to blame another woman.

I briefly had one 'toxic' DiL, but now have two lovely ones. It's the luck of the draw, and exactly the same applies to MiLs.

MamCaz exactly.

I also think far to many grandmothers invest much to much of themselves into their children and grandchildren. Grandchildren should be part of your life not all of it.

We have two great Daughters in law.. The only trouble that I get is if I tease them too much I am reminded that they will be choosing my care home

DIL is usually on maternity leave for a year + and unless you saw her before and have a good relationship, she will see her mother more than MIL during this time. It isn't one parent favouritism it is choosing to spend time with someone you've known your whole life over a stranger! If a SIL was on maternity leave he would understandably choose to see his mother. As well MIL who expect multiple daily texts from DIL, would a SIL be expected to text his MIL multiple times on days he has the children? E.g. my mother in law will want to spend my husband's weekends off with him, we see her once in week and he likes family time at weekend... I'm not holding a gun to his head but he'd just rather spend the day with his wife and baby than mum. When my mum asks I will be honest 'no we are having a family day'. Husband will make up excuses as doesn't want to hurt MIL feelings leading to her thinking he wants to see her but can't for whatever reason. I think it's a lot of confusion rather than a completely evil MIL or DIL

Oh my goodness just read the comment about DIL harming husbands idea of his mum. If we are brutally honest... Most men rely on their mothers for home cooked meals and love when they are single. When they have a partner they get that from elsewhere and SOME men then stop speaking to their mums as much. It's not the wife it's that they got what they needed elsewhere and are being thoughtless! I have a friend who blames her Step Mum for her Dad's affair... But he was the Dad HE had the affair! It's the same thing. If a man really wanted to speak to his mum he would! There aren't a group of daughter in law's walking around with their husbands phones in their bags refusing to allow any contact!

just read through all the posts, (and similar posts) seems there are as many bad MIL as there are DIL or is "bad" just another word for different/expecting too much?

My mother-in-law was very good to me, as was my father-in-law, and they were wonderful grandparents to my two daughters. I remember them with love, still miss them and think of them often. I hope I am as good a mother-in-law to my DDs' husbands.

JeanK I could have written that. I don't know what more I could have done (well apart from spend more money on her) and I agonised for years trying to think what I could have done wrong. However, I accepted that it wasn't my fault when one of the other Dils told me that the first one was 'evil' and that was from someone who never says a bad word about anyone!

Think MOnica has said it all. Not all relationships work well not just the in law variety.
Nice to hear such a positive comment Gaggi3

Oswin may I suggest it is not as simple as you think? If a wife makes it difficult, or even impossible, for her husband to have reasonable contact with his family what is he supposed to do? As I said upthread, some make them choose between their birth family and their wives.

Febmummaofaboy see post from me just above this one.

I am delighted for all of you who don't understand what it is like to have a toxic dil, long may that remain. However, if you have no experience of such people don't pat yourself of the back and think that it is all down to what a good Mil you are, it isn't. There really are some horrid Dils out there.

There are difficult people. Some may be Daughters in law. Some may be Mothers in law. Some may be both! Its not about what the are but who they are!

I guess I’m lucky that my son chose a delightful lady as my d-i-l and they are very happy together. They have presented me with a gorgeous granddaughter, now 5 years old, with long legs, long blonde hair and bright blue eyes just like my two sons and my late husband. Gd still remembers Granddad and talks about him often. She knows that he is “the brightest star in the heavens” and sings Twinkle, Twinkle to him at bedtime every night!

I was never good enough for my MIL, not 'posh' enough (but neither was she). She didn't like my family and resented the time dh and I spent together. She got worse once my FIL died. He was a lovely man. She always wanted to sit in the front of the car next to her son, and whinged bitterly when he said no. She always had to be served first and God forbid you forgot to give her the best seat or offer her tea as soon as she stepped foot in the door! Once the kids came along felt I like a brood mare - of no conqequence at all except to pop out the DGC. I fed them wrong, I washed them wrong, I didn't iron DH clothes, and horror of horror - he cooked! When my children were at school my my friends siad they knew immediately if she was at home because I was so agitated!
However - I got to understand her over the years. I know she loved us all - even me a little! And I learnt to deal with her foibles. Having DH support me helped, in fact I was often the one with the olive branch when she pushed us too far. my Mother was a very well loved MIL, Mys 3 SIL's and my DH were broken hearted when she died. I try to follow her example. I think my SIL are fond of me, and my DIL appears to me as well (but she isn't a mum yet!). We see each other a lot and have very open channels of communication. I certainly feel able to be more 'involved' with my daughters family's, but not sure how it will go with DS. Time will tell.

Interesting Knickas63! I hate to hear words like toxic or 'raging bitch' (both of which have come up on this thread. Yes some people are difficult for one reason or another but to call them evil or toxic is horrible. Sometimes a little patience, tolerance and understanding will help the relationship as in Knickas post. . My MiL was ok (opposite to the one above as she thought I was a bit too posh for her and was always a bit nervous around me,which was irritating though I tried my best to put her at her ease.) It was all to do with her background really.
More difficult was my H's aunt who was always very critical. She would come for lunch, not lift a finger to help then loudly say 'This is taking a long time. We will have starved by the time it arrives!) DH and I tolerated her and had a good laugh about the annoying things she'd said when she had left. Fortunately we didnt see her all that often. She criticised the children's behaviour but they didn't care as she always gave them some money to spend!

My DD1 her MiL and I all live within 10 minutes of each other. DD1 also has a BiL & his wife living round the corner. MiL does not work now. She does not offer help or support to either DiL. She waits for invitations and expects to be a guest..in both her sons' homes. Not that parent's should drop in willy nilly but she chooses to keep the relationship distant. When it is her birthday / mother's day she expects priority regardless of what else may be happening. I have certainly got a closer relationship with my DGC but we both had the chance to get involved..I am still working p/t. My sil whom I love to pieces thanks me profusely for the childcare thzt makes it posdible for their family to work.

sorry for typos and random apostrophes!