mum’s refusing to see GC as a punishment for me

What Eazybee says. You can't change your mother but you can change your reactions to her. I wouldn't waste emotional time on thinking about whether she's ill or evil. Just concentrate on those folk who you love and who love you back.

Cross on your behalf now. Please don't waste any of your time on her. Find a good counsellor if you can.

I remember your previous post when you were considering whether or not to move house, because you feared your mother's reaction. Moving in this heat, with two small children and heavily pregnant, is an achievement in itself; the last thing you need is your mother's calculated selfish behaviour, when you are at your most vulnerable.
She has damaged your life, for whatever reason, but it is not in your power to sort out her problems and I don't think you can change her; let her go and concentrate on you and your immediate family. Don't let her damage your children.
Concentrate on the people who love you: your father, husband, mother in law who never lets you down, and your children.
Focus on you and your new baby as much as you are able; your health and well-being are the priority.
Tell your midwife about your situation and perhaps she may be able to find some extra support for you, or perhaps more hospital bed rest, when everyone else will have to cope.

Thank you, ladies. The hugs were a great help, plus the kind advice. I have been thinking it over carefully.

I try to let it all wash off my back because she isn’t going to change (she seems to be deteriorating in recent years but given the medical folks in the family have agreed for a long time there’s serious untreated mental illness and an undiagnosed personality disorder there, this is not really a surprise). The thing that upset me the other day was that she reacted to my little one with the same sort of BS she would have given me.

She has tried her best since they were born to act as ‘normal’ as she can in front of them. (I’m sorry if that’s pejorative, I just can’t think of a more tactful way to put it right now). I haven’t expected her to look after them, or see them more than a couple of hours at a time, or anything like that, because I know the strain of well, acting normal amd not shouting and hitting is a big one for her. But I always rationalised that as long as she was kind to them and tried to hold it together to see them, this was a relationship that was ok for them to have. Bit superficial but well, that’s not uncommon, better than nothing right?

But honestly the other day, the wee ones hadn’t seen her in days, they just wanted to see her for a little while. Honestly I felt she was being spiteful. I can’t and won’t have that directed at them. I didn’t get a choice about having to accept her abuse when I was small. I have a choice for them amd I won’t let it happen.

I told dad we could try to touch base this weekend but he won’t see us without her and he thinks she will still be in a mood this weekend. Well, alright. It’s not like I don’t have enough to do. I’m not prepared to go begging for attention. I’m a bloody grown adult with a family of my own. It’s not unreasonable to expect people to be at least a little bit pleasant to be around if they expect to spend time with you, is it?

I know she’s not all there but sometimes I wonder if she’s just a bad person underneath that.

It doesn’t matter though, does it?

Let her go or she will damage your children emotionally as she has damaged you. Not your fault at all but if you are drip fed controlling nasty comments for long enough you will believe them. No adult can be held responsible for another adult they must take responsibility for themselves. The most important people in your life are your children. Do you have a health visitor? Can she put you in touch with Home Start if it's in your area, they will come to your home and give you some practical help. If not can your MIL offer you some regular concentrated help for a while. I feel for you, partly because I had a manipulative mother and partly because I also had a difficult third pregnancy whilst trying to look after two other children, it is very hard and you are doing the very best that you can. I do hope things improve for you but please blank your mother for now. I eventually cut mine off for my own sanity.

Hilda it was never my intention to suggest OP was making it up. I consider myself very blessed that my own mother and father were the most kind people you can imagine. Because mine were so good I cannot imagine people like muffins mum and dad could be so unkind and thoughtless. I am so sorry for her and you if you have experienced such controlling and manipulating behaviour from anyone.

Doodle, might sound bizarre to a decent person but believe me controlling bullies can do some weird stuff.
I alluded to my own experience and its similar to domestic abuse, the perpetrator has a way of making you feel its your fault and you are the cause of all the problems. Its insidious and causes a lot of damage. Its isolating and very damaging. I doubt the OP is making it up.

Sorry muffin she sounds nuts to me. Your children are very young. I'm surprised they are upset at her not coming round. I would suggest you make the most of your MIL (and try and get on with her) but neither cut off your mum or pander to her bizarre behaviour. You are not responsible for your mum. In fact I find your post so bizarre I find it difficult to believe it's true. If it is, your mum (and dad) have a serious problem. Best of luck.

You have small children, you have moved and you are nearing the end of a pregnancy. Sorry this is harsh..... Leave the narcissistic to stew in her own juice and look after yourself

Lots of hugs, this is an awful situation for you, I do understand you have issues with MIL but at least she seems to turn up and help, can I suggest you have a really good talk to her, explain about the need for bed rest etc and see if she feels she can help you out. I would never normally suggest cutting your own mother out but I would suggest you don't ask her for anything if you possibly can and maybe don't call her but speak to her if she phones you, as you say too many years have gone by to change her. All the very best for the arrival of the new babe

PS huge ((((hugs))))

muffin you need to cut the invisible (umbilical) chord here. You are giving her power over you and permission to hurt you and yours. Yes, your children might love her, but they love and need you more.

Stop caring about what she says and does. Mentally disassociate yourself from her in the same way you’ve removed yourself and your family from her. If she is a caring grandmother (and not the neurotic control freak she seems to be) then she will change her ways.

Take control. Be polite, but nothing more. Tell her if that’s how she feels then you’re sorry, but if that’s how she feels then so be it.

If you are in the UK you can sometimes get help with a very young family. Ask your midwife. Z neighbour got a few hours a day when she had twins 14 months after het first child. I wouldn't normally say this, but stop contacting your mother, you are giving her the power to reject whatever you ask for. As for your Father, frankly he needs to grow a pair and defy the monstrous counselling woman. Look after your own little family and to hell with your parents, especially your mother. To say you should have aborted your child, her grandchild is disgusting. If she was a friend you would dump her.

P.S. The comment above about the enabling of your father is probably very true.....he is probably much cowed by her behaviour and as much a victim as you. Therefore he cannot really fight your battles, he has enough trouble just keeping his head above water. So use those around you who can stand up for themselves.

Huge hugs to you Muffinthemoo! You need to concentrate on you and your babies, so please save your energies for that.
Sounds like your Mother completely misses one of the main points of being a decent parent. The whole idea of which is to set your children up to lead happy independent lives making half decent decisions and being decent human beings.
I say this as a 'survivor' of a bullying and manipulative parent albeit my father rather than my mother. Thankfully I had siblings so we went through it all together and came out on the other side. Two of us have children that we are extremely proud of and are a delight no matter what they do.
Be strong and be selfish, let her play her games and hopefully wear herself out. She will either learn to let you make your life choices and support you or not - its up to her not you.
Children are not asked to be born, we bring them into this world and therefore must do right by them. Only then, if we do a half decent job loving and raising them will they move on, have wonderful lives and eventually, IF WE ARE VERY LUCKY allow us to enjoy a relationship with our Grandchildren. Gransnet is full of desperately sad people who would loose an arm to spend a day with a grandchild they have lost contact with.
Controlling to this extent is a form of abuse and you need to gather as much support around you, step back from her antics and surround yourself with love. All the very best.

She sounds very self centred and controlling and unfortunately it seems your father has enabled her all their married life.

You need to concentrate on your own health and the well being of your children. Keep in touch with your father but wait for your mother to contact you.

Do you have any siblings? If so does she treat them the same way?

and (((hugs)))

I know you said on a previous thread that she wouldn’t like you moving away, so well done for breaking away.
Your tots are too young to realise what is going on so don’t fret about them, make the most of the help your MIL is offering and enjoy your new baby when it arrives.
Try not to fall back into the ways that were going on in your previous house and tell your Dad that you will not be repsonsible for your Mother that’s his job, your responsibility is to your children and your DH.
Here are some flowers pop them into a virtual vase, take a deep breath and put your mother to the back of your mind, you are the only one who can do it.?

muffin just be determined to be the opposite of your mother - be the best mum you can be for your children. I hope you have support from your DH and the rest of yours and your DH's family.

She sounds mentally deranged to me. I suspect you would be far better off without her, sadly.

I have nothing to add to all those lovely supportive posts Muffin, but want to send you big hugs. I’m a big believer in mother love, but sadly I think your mother is totally lacking in it. Good luck with that precious pregnancy.

Hugs for you. You need to put yourself and your children first - and if your Mother is hurting them, then keep you distance. I suggest you keep trying with your father and MIL though (sorry - don't know the back story there). Huge amounts of love and healing coming your way. (flowers)

Oh dear muffin - I do find it hard to keep track of posters sometimes, but your situation is one I've somehow kept abreast of and I feel very sad for the situation you're in. Between your husband, mother and mother-in-law you're in a dire situation with no easy way through. So here's a virtual (((hug))) and then a second one (((hug))) because you need to feel valued and treasured and I fear there is no-one just now to let you know that you're doing a wonderful job in incredibly difficult circumstances. I admire your fortitude immensely.

Virtual hug and sympathy. My mum was very similar to yours and strangely I get comfort from your posts as they make me feel less lonely about how I suffered (I use that word carefully). So although I am sorry I cannot help you, thank you for your revealing posts that have helped me. Hugs to you and your little ones. I had very difficult pregnancies but it was all worth it as I now have a lovely grown up family. Ps my dad was complicit in colluding with my mum and almost convinced me I was bonkers. Beware. Look after yourself and take up any and all offers of help and support. ???

Muffin sadly some people are just too complex and difficult to understand, it is pointless continuing to try! Could you try to enlist the help of others? Like friends, old neighbours, extended family? Even enquire about nursery places? Even temporarily? I know it’s difficult finding childcare at short notice but sometimes help comes from unexpected avenues.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Don’t let Mum stress you out. Enjoy your lovely family

{{{hugs}}} muffin, my MIL was the one that did all the practical help especially with my second child. I had that baby at home and she sat up all night so that she could help look after the toddler.