Jokes: Some Rude; Never Crude

Aaaah! Got it Phoenix! I had a bit of trouble thinking in a Glasgow accent!

Well I’m a Geordie (NE England ....almost but not quite Scotland ) so I got Phoenix’s joke straight away ...

In a Geordie accent we would say “or am a rang” ( interpreted to “or am I wrong”) .

Try saying “wee cart” instead of “weak heart”

Lost in translation maybe ????

Thanks for that gilly - I was puzzled but understand now and giggling!

Lost in translation maybe ????
You can say that again, Gillybob; please.!
I met some Geordies during Nat. Service many, many decades ago. Couldn't understand a single word. Almost as incomprehensible as the lads from the Welsh valleys.

Thanks for the explanation phoenix, I was puzzled too!

I'm from the deep south and I got phoenix's one immediately no, it's ok, I don't want a medal, just saying

I must be having an off day

especially since it was gillybob who translated both jokes

Sorry to those Gransnetters with more delicate sensibilities
sodapop; Hear, hear.! Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm composing certain messages, like "who is this likely to offend?"
A scale of 0 to 10 would be handy with 0 meaning "disgusting" and 10 "unshockable, try me!", although I guess most GNetters would rate 5; but I could be surprised.!

phoenix Please explain the Glasgow bakers joke it’s driving this Southerner crazy??‍♀️

Phoenix, you're nae rang!

What's the difference between the creator of Mickey Mouse and Bing Crosby?

Bing sings and Walt Disney. (translation needed?)

or a meringue = am I wrang (wrong) that help?

merlotgran Twa coos in a Fife field. Which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

Am I right or a meringue?

Rating 7;
Two ladies, Joan and Mary, bumped into each other in the supermarket
"Hello" said Joan. "I haven't seen you for ages. How are you keeping?"
"Not too bad" said Mary," but I see your trolley is loaded with tins of dog meat. I didn't know you had a dog"
"We haven't" said Joan. "These are for my husband. He loves it. One day I make a casserole, then
another day I'll put some pastry on it for a pie, I also make a Shepherd's pie. Hubby doesn't know anything about it. He loves it"
"Goodness me" says Mary.
Sometime later they meet again, but this time Joan has no tins.
Mary has to ask,"has hubby gone off it.?" "Oh no" said Joan, "he died" "Goodness me, what happened?
"Well, he was crossing the High Street when he suddenly sat down to lick his arse, (sorry) bum and got run over by a bus.
day

Thanks for explaining the bakers joke??‍♀️?

Larissa67 Got that one ?

Geordie’s parrot would not stop swearing and one day in a fit of temper he put it in the freezer and told it that it was not getting out until it stopped using foul language. When the swearing eventually stopped, Geordie opened the freezer and the parrot said, “Alreet man, a’l stop swearing, but a have one question, … what the hell did the turkey do?” ?

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call; they like to stay out all night and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A piece of rope went into a bar.
The barman said "Get out, we don't serve your type in here".
The piece of rope went round the corner, tied himself in half and messed up one of his ends.
When he walked back in the bar, the barman said "Aren't you that piece of rope I just told to get out?"
"No, I'm afraid not!"

An English man, and Irish man, and a Scots man walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man with a dog went into a pub and said to the landord “see this dog? Well he doesn’t look like it but he is the cleverest dog you will see.” “How is he clever” asked the pub landlord? “Well” said the man, “this dog is a blacksmith” “you can’t be serious” said the publican, “a dog can’t be a blacksmith!” “I can prove it!” Said the owner;” come with us now”
The dog, the owner and the pub landlord left the pub and walked up the lane out of the village until they came to a cottage, the dog’s owner led the man to a shed at the end of the garden and they all went in side the shed and then the dog made a bolt for the door!

Elegran ...loved that one!

I don't get Elegrans joke about the cows. I needed the glasgow baker joke translated (thanks!) because I was trying to say chelsea bun in a glasgow accent! I did get the wee cart one though. Rather proud!