Argy Bargy madness, come right in! ??

I have had a visitor all afternoon and wonder what on earth has happened while I have been away.
Quite shocked, I missed the post.

Carillion01 - the old private message trick eh !
Lots of folk in my neck of the woods won’t use Gransnet because they think it’s full of middle class passive aggressive old bags ( can’t think why ? )
Everyone I’ve met on it and who’s genuinely pmd me have been lovely lovely people. All except you.
If you didn’t like it you should have genuinely sent ME a private message. I’m aghast at your condescension.
I wrote the posts because I thought they might amuse people and make them laugh. If I offended anyone I apologise. But I’m not sorry for offending you.
The curse causeless shall not rest as the Bible says.
Make sure you’ve got good soles on your slippers sweet pea

Brilliant, it was my favourite.
I might pop in again.
Only problem last time though, I am pretty vertically challenged myself.
Had to keep well out of the way.until the participants had been chosen.

Carillion01 - have to confess to enjoying both the activities you mention, love the old Bostik and even better since I started on the Tramadol.
Magoo was enraged by your post so we’ve texted Lee and diverted his limo to the British legion round the corner. The parade is being moved there so no need to worry about my family lowering the tone of the Argy Bargy any more. He’ll bring my mop round later.
I was going to hush it up but sis on the bins at the council said Crossrail found a fat berg the size of Wales under the Argy so you are in danger of being closed down.
Please accept this as my resignation

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annesixty - Magoo has cheered up no end since I told him about your conversion plans for the old abattoir. He is a regular visitor to Gentings and has spent many a happy hour popping in after his late night walks for Craps. How long do you think it will be before you open ?
And if you’re certain you can’t come this afternoon I do think a small donation should be made in lieu. I’ll be standing quite near it later today, you’ll recognise me by my black headed mop.

annesixty - doodle was telling me yesterday that games night at the Argy Bargy is going to be revived. Since it looks like Brexit might be happening after all, doodle is hoping to begin ( no offence intended, unlike other posts) vertically challenged small people tossing again as it was banned by the ECHR x

Not a new build Merseybelle
I am hoping to convert the derelict slaughter house two doors from you.
My apologies for not attending this afternoon 's service.
I have an urgent need to cut my toenails.
May He/She RIP.

Oh dear annesixty it sounds like you’ve got your (large presumably) knickers in a twist over what you see as being challenging competition for your future casino !
I hope you identify yourself clearly ( preferably with a sign and the words ANNESIXTY written on it ) if we should meet at poor Little Percy’s memorial parade this afternoon ! Anyone is welcome and it’s going to be a good turnout by all accounts thanks to maddyone and her ferret efforts.
I must ask my sister on the bins at the council about your planning application since no one in the street knew anything about it. I hope the name annesixty and filthy backhanders ( makes a change and requires more wrist effort I would have thought ) are not sin on am us ( or some spelling like that ).
Magoo and I are selling videos of Little Percy’s funeral yesterday, £20 each or £50 for two and our neighbour the stuffer from number 12 is going to video the parade this affy .
I’ve spent the last hour setting up a Crowdfunding account in memory of our lost pet, it’s called the Poor Limp Percy Dead Ferret Memorial Fund for Grieving Owners. Magoo wanted something catchy that was easy to remember. Perhaps your wealthy Chinese suckers/clients/punters would like to make a contribution ?
All proceeds will go to Argy staff who have suffered such losses the only qualifier being they have to have the surname Magoo. We registered it with the Charity Commissioner this morning - number 666-666-666.
Ps Hope sincerely annesixty that you’re going to have your building plot feng shui’d otherwise you might be unlucky and your building materials stolen from the site

I have not visited the Argy in many a long year but I saw a mention of it on a " more respectable " thread and thought I should pop in.
What can I say?
I am just so very thankful that our dear Pete ( of blessed memory) is no longer here to witness the degradation that has become of his beloved Lil's bar.
Where are the whippets, the flat caps and the "meat" pies?
The undergarments used for wiping down the bars and tables?
The northern atmosphere?
Have the games night become a thing of the past, to be replaced by, I can hardly bring myself to type the words. shenanigans of the very worst imaginings?
My flabber is well and truly gastered.
If only I knew of the proper authority to make a report, your days would be numbered and peace and quiet would be restored to the neighbourhood.
(I have planning permission in for consideration for opening a casino next door, I do not want your riffraff upsetting my wealthy Chinese)
Be gone.

Ah mystery solved ! Little Percy was part of lemon’s Ferret Breeding programme to boost funds at the Argy ! The wreath you sent was from one of his many offspring ! And Little Percy was actually a mum !
Heartbroken, daren’t tell Magoo as it would push him right over the edge

gransal and maddyone - thank you for the flowers, the florist has just delivered them. Was a bit confused by wilting lilies bearing a card saying ‘Love you forever Mammy ‘ but I expect it’s a custom from your part of the world

Another terrible night. Just got up and am surveying the wreckage in our front room. Magoo in his madness has even decapitated my limited edition Chucky doll that was a wedding anniversary present from my DD. I know he’ll regret that. I’ll have to whip to Poundland before the parade and get some more superglue. But some good news on the horizon, Lee Child (the author) is going to be at the parade !!! Being modest folk Magoo and I rarely boast of our celebrity acquaintances but yes it’s true that Lee Child and Magoo go way back. They first met at Risley ( a well known Liverpudlian boarding school ) having a shared lifelong interest in other people’s motor vehicles, and later found that Lee’s cousin lived over the chippy by St Oswald Street. Magoo was a fine figure of a man in those days, six foot fourteen of sheer muscle and strength. It’s well known in our area that Lee based his Jack Reacher character on my Magoo and that if Magoo hadn’t been in the Royal that week having his piles tied off Tom Cruise would never have been cast !
By chance Lee is in London this week promoting his new celebrity perfume ‘ Jack Reacher - Whopper’ He was signing perfume packets in Liberty when lemons sister (limegrove) ran into him. She was being detained by security after accidentally sticking a 100ml bottle in her bag but pleaded for her freedom citing the shock of Little Percy’s death. What a shock - Lee immediately recognised his old friend by the description ! He will be arriving by limousine at half one so I hope there’ll be a good turn out to greet him !

What can I say ? Magoo and I are really really touched. What ? What ? Oh yes - touched by the mooting of a memorial parade for Little Percy. ( God rest his tasty little soul )
My dear sister who works on the bins said to make sure you’ve got the proper street permit as the Council apparently were up in arms last year after the complaints from the Pride parade relating to ‘ lewd and unusual behaviour’ outside the Argy. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but that WAS the reason Pride had to be rerouted this year. I heard what a disappointment Thor experienced in being unable to sell his raffle tickets but there you are. The mystery is solved.
Magoo and I will be ready at 2pm as the pawn shop should be open by then and we can get his suit out.
I know despite not knowing Magoo and I long, the Argy will stand with us shoulder to tassel, nexpresso to thigh, in this our hour of grief.
Am just out for some Ranitidine as Little Percy keeps repeating on me. I didn’t have time to refill the condom machine ( how does it empty so quickly ? ) but will be on it first thing when the Parade is over.

Gladly prop him up. He can be quite useful in that state. Total crap at making coffee but very useful in all other areas, if you give him a helping hand.

George has been a dead loss, you completely wore him out gransal. Anyway you’d better be quick and find those boots because you need to be at the memorial parade tomorrow, to show your respect for that bl...y ferret. George is coming too, but you might need to prop him up again.

By the way it was me in the red wig. Did you not recognise my lurex jump suit. Granny g did you have any luck with George after I had him standing to attention for percy. Thought I would give you a head start.Has anyone seen my leapord skin thigh high boots. The rabbi was eyeing them up wnen we went to discuss multi faith issues.

Well if you’re not going to get a skunk or a capybara, I suppose another ferret will have to do for Magee.
I’m afraid I didn’t make the funeral service, though it sounds to have been very tasteful. I did hear the most terrible noise the trumpet playing as I returned home, it was so moving. Well it moved me along pretty quickly before I lost the will to live. Anyway I suggest as a fitting memorial to Magee’s ferret that Lemon, Doodle, and maybe a few other Argy regulars, oh yes and George of course, I suggest that they get their most tarty most tasteful attire on, not forgetting the suspenders and the incontinence pants, and then they can parade around the Argy showing due respect. And they can go outside, I’ve arranged for a whole team of ferret fanciers to arrive to coincide with the outdoor parade. They’ll all carry flowers of course, and the ferret fanciers will be bringing their ferrets and flowers. Never will it be said we didn’t give, what was his name, anyway that dead ferret, never let it said that the Argy didn’t give him a good send off.

Oh and any suggestions for names for our new pet would be much appreciated

Can’t see as my new reading glasses are **ite so I may have sent this through the atmosphere already. I am glad you were touched by the solemnity of the occasion but think £3.50 is fairer as I do bring my own Jeyes.
Magoo is a man beside himself with grief but at last the trumpet has been covered up and put away safely. I have to warn you that Magoo is turning nasty now over the sad circumstances of ( what was that bloody ferret called ? Oh yes ) Little Percy’s sad death. Or murder as Magoo has it in his head. The **ite is really flying in this house tonight, I haven’t seen Magoo so upset since he came third in the Morris Dancing contest at the Ivy. He’s taking legal advice tomorrow re you and that other slag ( his words not mine ) fooling round with George in the cellar. He’s been shouting and screaming that surely Thor’s horn is enough for any one. And sadly this should be true.
Couldn’t you have just vaped ? Just the once ?
Magoo is threatening to ring his cousin in L.A ( Tarantino Magoo) and blow the whistle on the Argy. He’s been ranting all evening about films that expose the truth like Watergate/ Three Mile Island/ and that one about Waco. He really believes cousin T. Magoo would be interested so we just need to hope and pray he can’t remember the code for International dialling.
I must say this new job doesn’t seem to be bringing me much luck, but maybe the new pet will cheer poor Magoo ( God bless his blurry and misty piggy eyes ) up. I’ll bring it home in my bucket after my shift.
Can you deduct the £3.50 from my future wages as at the moment I can’t afford a piece of paper to wipe my arse on ( as dear old dad was fond of saying).

Oh what a moving funeral service, not a dry eye in the house,sob!
Percy is gone but not forgotten ( we will be eating him with chips a bit later on.) Barbecued ferret is quite a delicacy.
I wish you’d tell Magoo to put his trumpet away now though,
Am finding it a bit distracting.
Tell you what I’ll do, I’ll go down the cellar and find one of our remaining ferrets, and you can take it home with you after your shift, a tenner? Can’t say fairer than that.

I intended to walk down to the Argy with lemon but I heard her telling my neighbour that she’d always been fascinated with stuffing and they went into his house as he was going to show her his tool. Someone in a long red wig went off with the Rabbi and Ali was last seen holding hands with someone wearing fishnet tights and bright red PVC boots. I expect they were overcome by the solemnity of the occasion.
My poor dear Magoo is now on the hard stuff, lager with cherry B chasers and he’s going to be hard to handle later on. He can be wild when he’s had a few.
Have cooled Little Percy but luckily picked his metal ID tag out of the bowl before some stupid old bugger/ undiscerning diner could choke on it.
Am off now to the Argy.
Farewell cruel world.

Nearly ten past and Magoo still hasn’t put his trumpet away. It must be the excitement/ stress of Little Percy’s demise.
All over now bar the shouting. A calm is descending over our peaceful little street. A seagull wheels overhead, perhaps taking Little Percy’s soul to heaven. Next doors clothesline has taken a battering from its behind but that’s the price you pay for love.
Fly fly Little Percy.
Until we meet again. Never ever forgotten.

Magoo is getting very agitated now and is starting on the egg nog. It’s going to be a difficult evening. Glad I’m starting my shift at the Argy as soon as the stew cools enough to go in the Pyrex dish.

Ten seconds. Magoo is getting his trumpet out. Have stuck a firelighter on the bin lid. The Rabbi is here. I can hear the Oms beginning, the smell is very appetising I must say. Will get Magoo to drop a small bowl round to the Argy later.
Thanks to all for your condolences. This is a sad day in the Magoo household but one made bearable by your thoughts and prayers.......

One minute to go. Magoo just getting his trumpet out