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So Sad

(73 Posts)
ttgran Thu 10-Jan-19 11:43:48

Quite a newbie on this site but find many of the answers to problems of family life helpful.
My two adult children have had words over the last three months culminated in them not talking to each other.(they have always been angsty with each other but never like this)
Today one of them told me that she is cutting any contact with me because I have not supported her as she expected (we have been very close)I can still see the grand children via SIL but she will no longer talk to me.
We are a small family unit and like any family we have had our ups and downs but just cannot understand how she can do this.
I have no siblings and although some good friends they are too close to our family that my discussing this might get back to her.

Too say I am upset is an understatement I have tears rolling down my face I cannot see a way forward.

Too make matters worse I have found a lump where there shouldn't be one and have a urgent doctors appointment today normally I would ring her for support but sadly can't.
Not sure why I am posting just need to talk to someone


Mycatisahacker Fri 18-Jan-19 14:35:00

Great news.

My advice would be to tell your son in law how upset you are and as a parent you can’t take sides and would he take sides with their own children? Ask him would she?

I am sure she will calm down but you know don’t act like you were in the wrong as you are not. She is being ridiculous and very immature. I bet she will come to her senses in time and during that time enjoy your grandchildren and set them a better example of treating people than their mother is.

Brismum Fri 18-Jan-19 14:09:40

Followed instructions to get grin! Didn’t work again. Will stick to keypad in future.😁 !

Brismum Fri 18-Jan-19 14:06:38

That’s great news ttgran grin. Hope your other issues can be resolved soon. 💐 xx

DanniRae Fri 18-Jan-19 14:03:46

So pleased to hear that ttgran - flowers

ttgran Fri 18-Jan-19 13:34:46

Hi just an update lump benign which is great news once again thank you all for your kind thoughts

DanniRae Mon 14-Jan-19 12:20:47

Sorry Eliza but why do you buy special dresses when you are being asked to buy winter clothes for your grandaughter. I am sure that you mean well but you sound a bit pushy. I feel so sorry for your daughter, caught between you and her husband and trying to please you both. Step back and let them get on with their life - I think you feel that they can't cope without you but I suspect that they definitely can!

moonbeames Sun 13-Jan-19 22:28:57

I am sending good wishes and love to you. I hope the lump turns out to be nothing. Look after your health at the moment. Let go of worrying about your daughter for a while, give her some space and respect her wishes. In time, I would send her a loving card saying that you love her and that you are sorry that you upset her. Don't justify anything. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Do nice things for yourself that you enjoy. Positive affirmations every day.

Jaycee5 Sun 13-Jan-19 16:43:26

Also 'she can't just be unstressed'.

Jaycee5 Sun 13-Jan-19 16:40:49

That should be 'having to be Grateful' rather than generous.

Jaycee5 Sun 13-Jan-19 16:39:46

elizaflowers14 You obviously care a lot and meant well but I agree with Icanhandthemback. I simply don't understand the bike thing. Why were you so determined to buy it when you knew they wanted to? They might not have had the money or time right then but you knew it was something that they wanted to get. Bikes do seem to be a bit of a daddy milestone thing with their children.
It can be exhausting to be on the receiving side of gift and help and having to be Generous. It really is a case of seeing signal - and your son in law does seem to be throwing quite a few out.
He works all day and has a way of unwinding that you don't approve of.
She is a princess because she wanted to marry a man she had known for a while. She was excited about her pregnancy and you kindly put her straight about that. From her point of view it sounds as if you are bursting her bubbles.
Next time she has good news, whether you think it is or not, just be excited with her.
Maybe take your cue from the in laws who seem able to just relax and enjoy things.
Grandchildren often don't want to leave grandmas and go home. It doesn't mean that there is anything seriously wrong.
Did your daughter know that you had bought tickets for Mary Poppins? Stress can be serious and although it is annoying if you have spent money and looked forward to an event, what were you expecting from her? She can't just not be stressed to order.
You are trying too hard. Lighten up and go with the flow a bit more. If you want to buy something else and they say that they will do it, just let it go and think of something else.
It does sound as if your daughter does want to have a relationship with you and turns to you when she needs help but that she finds you a bit difficult. That is not an insurmountable problem.
Your son in law must be very aware that you disapprove of him but you are stuck with him now and there is no point in trying to warn her about him or think that he should do things differently. Do you ignore the seedlings and mess or do you look disapprovingly?
Just try to put yourself in their shoes for a bit. They are new to this parenting lark. They don't need to be told that things might not work out well or that they are not doing things right or to be subtly corrected. They probably also don't want events organised for them. Sometimes just a sit down and a cup of tea is nice is you are feeling stressed out.

icanhandthemback Sun 13-Jan-19 14:30:54

elizaflowers14, I think you are in a very tough place but there are a few things that stand out in your post that suggest that you may be overstepping the mark without realising you are doing it.
If you criticise her husband you are automatically putting yourself at a disadvantage as you will be playing into his hands.
Secondly, regardless about what you thought you were doing with the bike, keeping it at your house etc., you were giving the impression you were in competition with them.
How did you react when your daughter didn't want to go on the Alpaca walking. Did you just accept her decision or did you try to cajole her into it? Your intentions were probably very good but sometimes they are not perceived that way especially where PND is involved.
Can I humbly suggest that you talk to a relationships counsellor or similar? I say this because I felt quite virtuous about some of the things I tried to facilitate for my daughter when she was struggling to breastfeed. When my DS had a child and his wife was struggling, I thought I was being helpful to her and was horrified when my DD told me I was a breastfeeding Nazi. When I discussed this issue with my counsellor, I realised that I wasn't very good at reading the signals and was trampling blithely with my size 6's. I can't say I am perfect but I have had learned a few things about myself that I really hadn't realised. BTW, all my friends agreed with me too because they heard my side of the story.
I am sure you are very hurt and I am not saying that your daughter is completely right but sometimes when we look at what we bring to the table, it is helpful in healing the wounds.

Lynnipinny Sun 13-Jan-19 12:29:03

Good idea send them both an open card for your own words. Tell them you love both for their qualities. You will not take sides as its not air. Its more important to stick together and support each other. The grandchildren are more important than anyone else. They might realise how immature they are being. Get your health sorted best wishes.

crazyH Sun 13-Jan-19 07:16:03

I have read your post Eliza but don't know what to say. You are doing your very best for your GD.
Looks like you are doing very well yourself . Congratulations on having an exhibit at the RHS. Carry on doing the things you're doing and keep yourself busy. Don't move away (I have also considered that many a time) , but as the saying goes, don't cut your nose to spite your face. Hope it all works out for you .
I have got lots of family issues as well....mainly with, but I gave to grin and bear it.
Good luck with everything.

elizaflowers14 Sun 13-Jan-19 06:23:06

Have also soent another Xmas totally bereft. I’ve sought professional advice as another flagrant disagreement with daughter resulted in my granddaughter being dragged from our home screeching that she doesnt want to go home. It’s an awful situation we are in. Daughter has been depressed for a long time. Ever since she’s been with her husband. Who, as soon as walk through the door at night put on headphones and played computer games with people all over the world. We moved away and she would spend hours on the phone to us. She broke down. We rescued her. Looked after her and she went back.

She then married him. We begged her to look at all the issues. No. She wanted to be a princess. He was snarling at us during the whole premarruage process. I invested heavily in her wedding both in money and all manner of treats and personal gifts. She asked me to do her flowers and I hear he had plenty to say about that. Incidentally afterwards I went on to train as a florist and have worked styling events for the most iconic brand. Been hugely successful. I was exhausted after her wedding. Did it all. Whilst MILaw and entourage sat around celebrating with champagne.

A pregnancy was announced. I began to feel down about it. Daughter very excited. Talking about all the fun times she had as a child. Very gently I remarked that I was afraid it wasn’t how it was going to be Every single event we had organised he turned up with face like a smacked backside and I began dreading.

Baby girl was born. He virtually took over and she allowed him. My daughter never one to resist taking them her quilt.

It was Obvious she’s depressed and I gave her time out by taking baby out once a week for a few hours. Organising little days out as soon as baby was about 18 months. Fun days to the seashore or picnic. Meals out.

I was bodily flung out of her home when baby nearly two. Door locked behind me. All because I had arranged for the three of us to go Alpaca walking and she didn’t want to go screeching at me that I could take her on my own. I had dared to say that perhaps a day out in the fresh air would do both her and little girl the world of good. They did not take little girl anywhere. Stayed in. Him near to his iPad which is also set up at the meal table which he looks at while daughter and baby eat in silence.

I was told they needed space from me and it was delivered by text whilst I was exhibiting at the RHS. I folded.

My son argued my corner. MILaw did absolutely nothing. But SILaw told me son after a few home truths hit home that I would never see her again.

This went on for two months. Eventuality their need to get space from baby overcome their need to have space from me.

My daughter put little girl into pre school. Before she was two. Just to give herself ‘me’ time. She did not work. We continued to take her and I have a library of videos of little girl having the time of her life.

Toilet training was an issue. Little girl so sore I wept. They knew best.

We were allowed to see her with a full set of rules. Including making sure she was put in her pushchair facing a wall so she would sleep. I was Overstimulating her apparently.

Daughter continues to have red raw hands. Open sores. And has OCD. They pay for counselling. I. Asked her to see GP. She’s “fine”. Everything is “fine”.

Counselling apparently. Was required to stop her having a bad mood around d her daughter. We have witnessed screeching at little girl and being shut in her room

Little girl,loves us to pieces. Always wants to just come to ours. Never wants to go home after a day out.

There is such a bond of love bwteen me and little girl. I feel therein lies the root if latest problem

We’ve seen little girl spend every weekend at their allotment. Bored to pieces. He takes everything he wants to do to the exclusion of all else. Seedlings litter every windowsill. Dining table. Everywhere. Was same with beer making.

We continued to take her out.

Latest blow up is we bought her a bike. A beautiful bike. I has asked daughter what she thought. She said they might like to buy a bike. I asked her when she would let me know. I never heard. I asked again. She didn’t reply. Going on past performance we thought she would never get one. We bought one to keep in the garage to use at our house. For this we got screamed at. I assured her it could stay under wraps in the garage until such time as they had bought one themselves. Would not steal their thunder. They went and bought bike after Xmas.

Two weeks ago. Daughter bought little girl round for the day . We had bought tickets for Mary Poppins. My daughter was stressed. Showed little girl the bike and daughter trying to find fault with helmet.

I simply asked her if SIL liked his Xmas present from us. Yes he loved. Could he not thank me. She’s screeching at me he’s miffed about the whole bike thing. I was told clearly not to buy it. Hurled little girl into car. Not a word since.

Tears are flowing. I can’t walk On eggshells anymore. We have no inter generational fun. No fun. No meals or days out with them. Although his side do. They do nothing for little girl. No gifts. No visits. Nothing I’ve bought her lovely clothes. Special dresses. I ve been asked to buy her warm coat. Vests. Snowsuits. Yet I’m told Ive bought to much. I’ve winced that her shoes are too tight.

At wits end. Think best to move away. I’ve had bad palpitations. Miss Little girl. Lots of posts in Fb about what they are up to. Cruel.

I’ve asked my friends about bike issue. All say should be grateful. I remember my daughters bike was bought by Grandad. Was delighted. Grateful.

Professional advice is he’s jealous of my energy. My creativity. Love from little girl to me. I’ve never ever
criticised. Chewed lip over and over.

If nobody comments. That’s ok. It’s been very cathartic just tap this out.

Polskasue Sat 12-Jan-19 22:42:29

Dear ttgran. You are being played as the piggy in the middle between your children . They are using your love and feelings of guilt to get you "on their side" in a dispute in which, as the parent you can only be neutral. You can only treat them both in exactly the same way - remain neutral - you are not in the argument they are in. Tell them both about your health worries and that you have to put yourself first - that you love them both and need them both at this time. That you love them equally and will not be drawn in to taking sides. Don't try to mediate the problem between them. They are adults and have to sort that out between themselves. Tell them that you will not be drawn into their argument. As much as it breaks your heart their current problems are not yours. Stay strong. Xxxx

moggie57 Sat 12-Jan-19 19:30:37

i would send her a card .say sorry but she she should be sorting out her own problems and not expecting you to side with her. tell her you have got some unexpected health problems and that she has truly hurt you... daughters do say the most hurtful things sometimes ,mine included. like she said her mil in law was her new mum on mothers day. (last year) and her husband's family have always called my d their grandaughter. which is not right. at moment my memory not that good and my d told me infront of 12 others people ."how many times do i have to tell you" . my reply the first time i burst into tears ,the 2nd time she said that . i told her "dont talk to me like that"!!!. but still she does say hurtful things .so i tend to write them in my diary.... and carry on regardlessly..

NannyEm Sat 12-Jan-19 06:28:34

I have always been in this precarious situation with two out of three of my children. Both think I have favoured the other. I feel for you and know what it is like to be cut out of a child's life, especially a daughter's. I didn't know where my daughter was for a year (no explanation was given). When I finally tracked her down I took a bottle of brandy to her flat where we discussed things over a few brandies and cokes. On the way home I fell down her steps and sprained my ankle so that helped us into a better relationship (at the time). Many times over the years she has held me to ransom over my grand daughter as she told me during any disagreements that I would not be allowed to see her. A couple of years ago after a short stay at her house to help her and my grand daughter she verbally attacked me so bitterly and unjustly that without saying too much I packed my car and drove the 5 hours back to my house. I think it gave her such a shock to find me gone when she returned from work that she has never treated me badly again. She still resents that my son lives with me (he has a physical and mental illness) but she and my grand daughter lived with me from the time she was 3 months pregnant until my grand daughter was 6. He is still resentful that she lived with me for that long but he has lived with me now for 3 years and each moment is like walking on eggshells so that he doesn't become physically or verbally abusive. I have tried every avenue but always have to accept my mantra "It is what it is". My conscience is clear that I have done what I can to help my children. I hope things get better for you. It does help to discuss things and get them off your chest (hence my ramblings).

NanaWilson Sat 12-Jan-19 02:19:26

Let it be. She will come round. That’s my experience with these things

Shizam Fri 11-Jan-19 22:14:43

Try to keep lines of communication open in any way you can. It’s awful when this happens. I am supporting young person who has fallen out with her mother. It’s so frustrating when you see they could speak and yet don’t...Faults on both sides probably, but as a person who lost her mother as a child, it makes me so sad.

crazyH Fri 11-Jan-19 21:41:10

2 years ago, I noticed blood stains in my bra.....immediate GP appointment, followed by Hospital appointment and operation. Because of the bleeding, I feared the worst. As it happened it was benign.
In any case, most lumps are benign and even if they are found to be malignant, treatment has improved immensely. I wish you all the best. Also with your relationship with your daughter. I'm sure you will get back together. My daughter and I are not best friends. We do not phone or text daily. I do schoolruns when needed and occasionally do meals for them. I have 3 adult children....but none of us are in each other's pockets. I have 2 daughters-in-law, one extremely sweet, the other hmmmmm..say no more.
All the best Ttgran flowers

icanhandthemback Fri 11-Jan-19 21:26:18

ttgran, that is a very hard and scary situation to be in on both counts, the daughter and the lump. I hope the latter can be resolved quickly and you are reassured that this is nothing to be worried about.
We often think that all the hard work of 'parenting' is done when our children have left home but it seems to me, when they are adults their problems just seem worse and you end up being the demon! I have one daughter who causes ripples throughout the family and my boys seem to have met women who do the same.
I have found that the best way forward has been to be as placatory as possible without taking sides. Eventually things settle down. With my daughter, I usually write a little note to tell her my door is always open and I am sorry if I have offended her but it was never my intention. My husband would rather I just told her to take a hike but her personality is such that she would do just that and whatever her faults, she is still my daughter who I love very much.
My sister and I are estranged. I have always said to my Mum that I don't expect her to get involved in my arguments nor would I ever test her loyalty. As a mother myself, I know how hard it is.

agnurse Fri 11-Jan-19 21:17:40

It's sad that your daughter has put you in the middle of her issues. Given that your children are adults, your best bet is to stay completely out of it.

I wouldn't recommend contacting her about the lump, at least until you know something. Lumps can be very scary but they aren't always cancer. She may perceive any contact about it as being an attempt to draw her back in, and if it turns out to be benign she may be suspicious of whether there was anything in the first place. (NOT saying that you're making it up, not at all, just saying that may be how she perceives it.)

I wish you all the best. The not knowing can often be worse than knowing.

Onestepbeyond Fri 11-Jan-19 20:05:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muffinthemoo Fri 11-Jan-19 20:01:02

Hope the lump turns out to be nothing much. I had one out about ten years ago and it turned out to be a benign growth. The bloody awful scarring put an end to any prospects of a Page 3 career though...

Please try to keep positive and wishing you all the best xx

wellingtonpie Fri 11-Jan-19 17:39:57

I so hope all gets resolved for you ttgran. My heart goes out to you. ❤