Gransnet forums

So Sad

(72 Posts)
ttgran Thu 10-Jan-19 11:43:48

Quite a newbie on this site but find many of the answers to problems of family life helpful.
My two adult children have had words over the last three months culminated in them not talking to each other.(they have always been angsty with each other but never like this)
Today one of them told me that she is cutting any contact with me because I have not supported her as she expected (we have been very close)I can still see the grand children via SIL but she will no longer talk to me.
We are a small family unit and like any family we have had our ups and downs but just cannot understand how she can do this.
I have no siblings and although some good friends they are too close to our family that my discussing this might get back to her.

Too say I am upset is an understatement I have tears rolling down my face I cannot see a way forward.

Too make matters worse I have found a lump where there shouldn't be one and have a urgent doctors appointment today normally I would ring her for support but sadly can't.
Not sure why I am posting just need to talk to someone

Thanks

Franbern Thu 10-Jan-19 11:57:34

ttgran, so sorry to learn of your current distress. Hopefully, the lump (like most of these) will prove nothing to worry about. Think you should try contacting your daughter and let her know how very distressed you are at her comments.
If you feel you cannot talk to her, send her a 'Sorry' Card, pointing out that you are really desperately sorry that your relationship with her is suffering so much.
Such a pity when siblings cannot get on, even worse when they just do not have anything to do with each other. No way should you be asked to choose between them, they are both your children.
Do carry on using this site to air our distress and hopefully, within a not to long while, you will be able to also write of improvements in these relationships.

DanniRae Thu 10-Jan-19 12:02:14

Ohttgran your post has made me so sad. Surely if you let your daughter know about the lump she will rethink her decision to no longer talk to you?
I wish I could be more helpful but I send you all my best wishes and sincerely hope that your fears about the lump come to nothing.
Love Danni x

dragonfly46 Thu 10-Jan-19 12:03:36

I am sure if you were close before you will be again. Your DD will miss you as much as you miss her. I was once told by my daughter that she thought I loved my son more. Nothing could be further from the truth as I love them both equally but he was an easy child and she was more difficult.
We have had our ups and downs and times when she has felt I haven't supported her but after a few days, as the grownup I have contacted her and we have made up.

Maybe if you tell her about the lump it may make her realise that there are things that are more important. I do hope it is nothing to worry about but do not give up on your daughter.

Telly Thu 10-Jan-19 12:06:32

Hope all goes well at the GPs. By the sound of it, there is a huge case of sibling rivalry going on here. Not a lot you can do at the moment except ride out the storm. I would try to take a step back and wait until things calm down. I wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye, did something happen at an earlier stage in their lives? At the end of the day you can't make them love or even like each other. I would certainly not cave in to any demand that you take sides. With a bit of luck and support from your son in law things will get back to an uneasy truce, which is probably as much as you can hope for at the moment. Concentrate on yourself and your health at the moment and leave them to consider their actions.

Loulelady Thu 10-Jan-19 12:39:56

This is rubbish timing for you, I really hope your lump is not sinister.
If you can manage, I would actually delay telling your daughter and give her a little of the space she has requested.
Write a card (virtue of small space so nice and short) saying you love her dearly and are sorry you haven’t supported her in the way she needed - don’t justify your actions, however tempting. Say you want to prove you respect her by following her wishes and giving her breathing space, but that you hope she will feel able to return to your former relationship soon and that you will be waiting. Promise not to interfere between her and her brother in the future.
Sibling dynamics can be strange, did he bully her a bit growing up? Their recent quarrel might have triggered a lot of resentment about their relationship in childhood which could be behind any disproportionate reactions now.
What I suggest about the lump might not be reasonable, in which case, forgive me. It’s just there is a tiny risk that your daughter thinks the lump is a convenient way of emotionally blackmailing her into contact. I know it sounds unbelievable, but apparently it is a thing with some narcissistic types and it even has a nickname “Christmas cancer” because of its common appearance just before Christmas to mandate attendance from reluctant adult children. I imagine if she doubted you for a second it would be incredibly hurtful and damaging.
I think the fact she doesn’t want to obstruct you seeing her children is promising, it suggests she isn’t punishing you, she just needs space herself and has found all this very stressful.
How you respond is really important though if you don’t want to drive a further wedge between you.

Fairpricerx Thu 10-Jan-19 12:56:34

This is very sad (((I have a brother, and I love him very much. He is my support, my friend. It's sad when brothers and sisters quarrel (

ttgran Thu 10-Jan-19 13:27:12

Thank you so much for your replies I was hesitant about posting but your kind replies have helped a heavy heart.

I haven't mentioned the lump because as Loulelady said it seems a bit of a coincidence I want connection because they want too not because of a potential health issue.

I have been referred to a consultant GP thinks its ok but better to have it checked

Thank you again

BlueBelle Thu 10-Jan-19 15:18:01

First good luck with the gps appointment
Secondly what is the matter with this modern phenonenmen of stopping contact ! People have always had ups and downs in families it’s all part of ‘life’s rich pattern’ And perhaps a coolness descends for a few weeks but it’s only in the last few years that I ve come across all this cruel cutting off What a horrible controlling thing to do
I can only say what I would do in this situation I would write her a letter telling her how much I love her and how I would never help one child more than the other that I want to continue being part of both their lives and then wait and see
It’s a horrible horrible situation and unless more has gone on than is your post a very cruel way for her to behave

Gonegirl Thu 10-Jan-19 15:31:01

Flipping Mumsnet strikes again?! (non-contact business)

So sad for you ttgran. I think tell her about your appointment with the consultant. I think she would like to know, and it might just jar her out of this silliness.

Hope all goes well for you. Take care of yourself (as a priority).

sodapop Thu 10-Jan-19 15:40:27

I agree with BlueBelle after your Consultant appointment write to your daughter and tell her the results and how sad you feel that she is cutting contact with you.
I think things probably seem worse as you are stressed at the moment.
I hope things go well for you.

Luckygirl Thu 10-Jan-19 16:36:43

It is so odd when a family member simply states they do not want to speak to you again. It seems to be all the rage just now - and totally unacceptable. If there are problems, she should be discussing them with you.

Hope that your GP has got it right and the lump is benign. flowers

emmasnan Thu 10-Jan-19 16:50:28

Not much I can add but just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear this, cutting contact is so cruel.

I do hope the lump is benign.

Harris27 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:07:36

In always feel saddened reading posts like this. I have three sons two married and other living back at home again. As in any familyninfeelmwenhave had our ups and downs and I quite a stubbirnn( been told this) but quite calm person so any upset really hits home. I would leave it at the moment and let her cool down and then perhaps see the children through sil who will feel awkward he should talk some sense into her. I wish you well and thank all gransnetters for helping me feel included.

Coconut Fri 11-Jan-19 10:07:38

I would let your daughter know just how devastated you are and hope that she has a rethink. Are there unresolved issues that need to be calmly discussed/settled ? Ask her how she would feel if it was her children, so that she can empathise with how you feel. Good luck with everything ...

anitamp1 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:14:40

How awful for you. Could you perhaps send her a letter to tell her how sad you are with the situation, but explain that you love both her and her sibling unconditionally. And that you cant bear the thought of falling out with either. It is sometimes easier to put feelings down on paper. But keep it simple.

Craftycat Fri 11-Jan-19 10:15:38

I think a letter is a very good idea. It can be read several times & when she is feeling like it.
Of course you must give both your children the same support- we can't take sides- so she should understand that you need to stay on the fence.
I would mention the lump- she would probably be devastated not to be told- I think you should tell them both- it may unite them.
Good luck- I am sure it will be nothing to worry about.

dottie145 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:21:51

Firstly you need to sort your health issues asap Families fall out all the time you are not responsible and it is wrong to cut you off for any reason I would look after yourself first. Don't use your health In order to change their minds Let them get on with it and sort themselves out.

Jobey68 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:24:57

What an awful situation for you, your daughter should not be trying to force you to take sides, you are a mum and your job is to support them both no matter what.
As a parent herself your daughter should at least understand this!

As for your lump, get yourself checked out as soon as possible, there is no sense in sitting worrying, most lumps are nothing to worry about. I've had breast cancer and know how frightening it is but what ever the outcome it can all be dealt with.

Your daughter needs to calm down and realise there are far more important things in life that will spats with family Xx

harrysgran Fri 11-Jan-19 11:05:43

So sad for you it is an awful situation when conflict like this is going on between our children you feel so torn in all directions I have no advice other than your health needs to be your priority at the moment hopefully times like this pass and they will both see how childish and selfish they are

Catlover123 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:18:36

so sorry for you, it must be difficult and hope that the lump is not serious. I just wonder why so many of your replies seem to say that you should write a letter? I always feel it is better to see someone face to face. I had a few difficulties with my own mother and it seemed easier to ignore a letter than if she was actually there. I know it is hard, but if you contact her and say you really need to see her, wouldn't she agree? I do hope for both your sakes that you can resolve the relationship. I remember saying to my brother that of course he was always 'the golden boy' and I was the one getting into trouble and he said he was surprised because he always thought I was the favourite!! and this is only a few years ago and we are in our mid-60's!

Maggie1952 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:29:21

Hello ttgran, I’m so sorry to hear what an awful time you’re having. I’m at present going through something similar. I have 5 adult children and we’re close bar one! A daughter who fights with her siblings, dreadful verbal abuse including abuse to me. To cut a long story short all of us have backed away from her now as it was to much. You simply can’t take sides with your children I would stay silent and don’t get involved! I would make no reference to your daughter about her disagreement with her sibling, therefore giving her no ammunition/come backs. I would most definitely tell your daughter about the lump you have found. Make it straight to the point, with care and tact but no emotional input. Like me, you once had a good close relationship with your daughter and these feelings don’t disappear over night. I suspect she will return in time and I would suspect she needs you more than you need her! But she needs to know that this will most certainly not happen again, that she cannot hold you to an emotional ransome again! Be strong! If you go running to her, then you’re showing her that what she has done has been successful! Fortunately I can see my grandchildren whenever I wish, but not see her, sad as that is, it’s fine, though I sense little chinks in her armour are showing, but, she will know, no more verbal abuse or emotional abuse will be tolerated by me. Don’t cry ttgran, tell her of your lump, and make it short.

freestyle Fri 11-Jan-19 11:31:25

I have been in this situation and it carried on for three years. My eldest son just cut contact he just stopped being in our life’s. This was all down to jealousy and greed. I had just had my first granddaughter by my youngest son so I was over the moon but my eldest and his wife were jealous and thought we were giving money to other son and we were helping as much as we could, everyone knows it’s hard when new baby arrives. He just cut us out no matter how we tried we couldn’t bridge the gap. They eventually expected their first baby and we were the last to know even though my husband worked with my son and in actual fact was his manager. I sent baby clothes to my son, he returned them. Family wasn’t any help ( my husbands brother and my sister and their spouses )seemed to get a kick out of it and gave the pot a good stir. When their daughter was born she was so poorly and was in intensive care she was so close to dying. He phoned to tell us to come to the hospital as they were christening her as they didn’t think she would make it. Even at the hospital we were treated as second class citizens my son let people see our granddaughter before us. as she was getting better he told us to visit just on a Friday at the hospital. It has been a struggle but we have a good relationship now. We have given our sons everything in fact to much I never would have treated my parents or my husbands parents in this way. I think the more you do the more you may. Those three years were the worst of my life I never want to go through that again. Jealousy is an awful game. I wish you good luck and hope everything turns out positive for you. Xx

ayokunmi1 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:36:31

Im holding you in a tight hug.
This sadness will pass concentrate on your health for now
This is why my children are my children but not my best friends...seen how my friends have been controlled .

Annaram1 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:39:00

I feel as devastated as ttgran. My own lovely daughter rang me from Canada a few weeks ago and told me she wanted to reduce contact with me as I had no respect for her and never have had. I could say the same about her. She is 54 Her call turned into a half hour rant, in which she accused me of all sorts of things, As far as I know I have always supported her, even flew immediately to Canada when she was found to have a lump which was operated on (it was benign). We sent her and her husband a lot of money over the years, even gave them a deposit for a house. When we visited them in Canada we paid for a lot of things, including a trip to a holiday area, a voyage from Vancouver to Alaska, dinners out, and looked after our granddaughter when possible. All to no avail. She is now newly back to live the other side of England. I saw her and granddaughter at my son's for Christmas and things had slightly improved. SIL is working abroad and was not here. I am not sure if things will continue to improve as I cannot forget some of the hurtful things she said. My husband died nearly 3 years ago and I feel lonely without her.