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Clicky groups

(41 Posts)
Jeannie59 Mon 04-Feb-19 21:42:08

I am needing some advice
Have any of you GN's come across so many clicky people, and how did you handle it?
I am a member of a gym and have been for 3 years, I like to do Ballroom and Latin dance to keep fit and yoga
The social life within this group is good and I do get involved when I can, but lately I find quite a few of the ladies and a couple of men have become so clicky, and today after the class we all sat in the lounge and it was like I wasn't there, there about 11 of us and they all sat chatting in pairs and It was as if I wasn't there, I felt so uncomfortable and just played with my phone.
None of the ladies I get on well with were there. These are people I have socialised with on loads of occasions and I feel so hurt, it isn't as if we are children, we are grown adults
One lady asked my if I was ok,and I should have asked if was invisible but No didn't like to draw attention to myself
I had a issue with my brother in law before Xmas and he isn't speaking to me atm, not that I really care. But this has rocked things between me and my sister, so I am feeling quite on my own atm.
All my family live in America and Australia (daughters and grandchildren) so I don't have that close family around me? My husband is 15 years older than me (63 and 78)
I get so low about it. As if I was to lose him, I would be on my own

lemongrove Mon 04-Feb-19 21:47:49

Cliques form whichever group you join, you could start your own one.Seriously, if new to a group just take time to get to know everyone, be pleasant and you will fit in.

Jane10 Mon 04-Feb-19 21:51:46

Why not ask the person next you an open question and show an interest generally rather than sit playing with your phone and waiting for others to draw you in to the conversation?
It sounds like you're a bit depressed right now. Keep going to the gym and your other activities. Social interaction is as important as physical activity for mental health.

PECS Mon 04-Feb-19 22:07:43

You say only some of this group are cliquey so chat to those who, like you are not part of the clique. It may be that some of the group socialise outside the gym so have a closer friendship. It happens.
The more you sit there feeling unhappy the more that others will avoid you! Smile & be as cheerful as you can, ask about a popular TV show or something else that you think would start a chat!

Anja Mon 04-Feb-19 22:30:20

Someone asked if you were OK. That was an opportunity to put your phone down and join in. How about saying you were fine and asking how she was? There’s your way in.

BradfordLass72 Mon 04-Feb-19 22:51:15

I know just how you feel as I've come across it in my life so often.
Sometimes those cliques don't realise they are making someone feel like an outsider so it's up to you not to be one.
Instead of going back into your shell, playing with your phone and feeling you don't belong, give a big smile, get closer to the group and then add a comment or two...or just look pleasantly interested if you don't feel up to speaking.

The fact that someone asked you if you were OK means at least one person cares. The others probably do as well but if you distance yourself from them, they're not going to force you to join in are they?

So it's up to you to be brave and dive in smile

glammanana Tue 05-Feb-19 07:36:01

I would give it another go next time you attend and see if things improve,if they where coupled up you may have just felt the odd one out with not having a partner with you.
I would also ditch the phone nothing isolates a person more than playing with their phone and stopping conversation.

loopyloo Tue 05-Feb-19 07:57:49

This has happened to me. Now if I am at a gathering I make a point of looking out for people on the fringes who look a bit isolated and talk to them. Often very interesting. Avoid the main herd.

sodapop Tue 05-Feb-19 08:13:09

I agree with anja there was an opportunity to interact, sometimes you just have to take a breath and dive in. The longer you leave it the more of a problem it will become.

Davidhs Tue 05-Feb-19 08:16:39

My own observations are that women are terribly cliquey, given the chance will just socialize with a few close friends and actively exclude others. The other side of the coin is that if a woman is not immediately accepted she feels rejected by that group she will then be hostile, instead of allowing more time.

It happens with men too to a much lesser extent, all you can do is don’t take offense if others don’t immediately accept you and be more proactive but not pushy. Put that phone away too.

mcem Tue 05-Feb-19 08:31:59

Agree with earlier posts. Don't you see that by being occupied on your phone and then not responding to an enquiry, you were putting up barriers. Maybe she felt uncomfortable that her attempt to start a conversation was rejected.
Did you answer at all or ignore her?
How can you say you didn't want to attract attention while complaining about being ignored?

Nonnie Tue 05-Feb-19 09:28:33

I agree with loopylou, find someone else who looks left out and go and talk to them or preferably listen to them. They will come away thinking you are a really interesting person because you have allowed them to talk about themselves.

Many years ago I used to feel like you especially when I had to represent the company at meetings. In the pre-meeting coffee time when I didn't know anyone I went up to a man and tried to talk to him. He cut me dead. I had to decide whether to shrink into myself or try someone else, I did the latter. Now I just think that the worst that can happen is someone will ignore me which is not so bad anyway and there is always someone else. Look outward not inward.

GrannyGravy13 Tue 05-Feb-19 09:39:01

I belong to a local gym and after our class those of us who have been going for years (19 in my case) make a point of being friendly and welcoming to the newbies.

There are numerous different friendship groups within our "group" some days we have group chats, others small groups form and have different conversations.

I am trying to say all be it rather clumsily that you have to make the effort to talk to people, they cannot read your mind and know that you are feeling insecure and left out. There may be a very intuitive person among your group who might pick up how you are feeling, but please just try to join in by making small steps i.e. speak to the person immediately next to you.

M0nica Tue 05-Feb-19 09:45:01

Life is like that. Some groups are cliquey, some aren't.

Making friends and joining groups is a two way process. You have to be prepared to welcome and approach people yourself, do not leave all the hard work to them. There are so many different organisations to join these days if one doesn't work move to another.

Coconut Tue 05-Feb-19 10:12:12

In whatever situation we are in, we all tend to gravitate to some more than others. However, just go over and join in with others as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. So many people don’t think to invite others into their “ circle” so you have to be brave and just take the plunge.

Elegran Tue 05-Feb-19 10:33:24

When she asked you if you were OK, she had clearly noticed that you were not joining in the conversation. You could have have answered with a laugh/smile "Yes I am Ok, but I can't get a word in edgeways! You all know each other so well and I don't know anyone!" Saying it with a laugh is important - if you whinge at them for the crime of being friends already, that won't make them want to include such a whiny person in the group, will it?

And PUT AWAY THAT PHONE as many have said. If you seem to be deep in a relationship with your mobile, no-one will interrupt you to force you to talk to THEM instead - they will just keep on talking amongst themselves until you have finished what could be an important conversation - if you ever do.

NanaAnnie Tue 05-Feb-19 10:37:59

If you can't beat them, join them! Get your Big Girl Pants on and stride in there like you own the place and DO NOT let anyone undermine your enjoyment and health benefits that you get from your classes. As for your BIL, his loss. Life's too,too short for such churlish behaviour when you're in your 'Golden Years'!

ReadyMeals Tue 05-Feb-19 10:40:21

It's possible the others thought you had some business going on on your phone and didn't want to disturb you. They might even have started another thread here "we all socialise after gym but there is one woman who just sits there on her phone" lol

Elegran Tue 05-Feb-19 10:48:40

The same is true of GN - yes, some people already know one another and have had conversations with them before. They are not excluding you if they don't break off their general conversation to welcome you to the group. You chose to join it, so you have to choose to say something. Add a comment to what is being said, and a bit further on add another, and if necessary another. They don't need to be earth-shattering information, you are just making yourself visible -if you don't comment, no-one can see you sitting there gazing at the screen.

Your first post doesn't always register if the conversation is going back and forth. If you don't get an answer, don't immediately assume that you are being deliberately shut out and go into a strop about it - many comments from people who have been there for years drop into a great hole and seem not to have been read. That is life - a lot depends on what else is being said and even whether anyone is reading the thread at that moment.

Kim19 Tue 05-Feb-19 10:52:03

Have to confess I'd be slow to make overtures to someone holding a phone.

Elegran Tue 05-Feb-19 10:53:31

Mobile phones are one of the biggest barriers to communication.

Nanny123 Tue 05-Feb-19 11:11:27

I used to volunteer in a centre for different groups and couldn’t believe how clicky they could be. Such a shame as people that are lonely, isolated and have no family come along to try and meet people and they were just left sitting there. My heart used to go out to some of them

Fernbergien Tue 05-Feb-19 11:29:30

20years ago and living in different area I belonged to two charities supporting the same health issue. One was all embracing and the other not inclusive and rather snobby. Helped them a lot. Made a lot of money when got “nice” group to come to one of the events that was organised. But it did not cut any ice so always felt the outsider. The group folded soon after I moved!! Some people don’t know how to behave.

B9exchange Tue 05-Feb-19 11:32:03

Have to confess I thought this thread would be about arthritic joints, took me a while to realise you meant 'cliquey'! grin

GoldenAge Tue 05-Feb-19 12:15:11

Jeannie 59 it may be that the clicks group in your dance club have become stronger friends because they are going out together to other venues dancing on other nights of the week - my husband and I used to dance and found ourselves belonging to several different cliques depending on whether we could do a tea dance on a particular afternoon or take in a revision class and with some people we would go away for the occasional weekend’s dancing but not with others - it’s the nature of dancing - my suggestion is that you should be more proactive and join in the conversation but if your feeling of being low predates these recent changes in the group dynamics you should see your GP and maybe ask for some counselling because it seems that you have general woeeiea about being alone.