Clicky groups

Jennie59
It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it? I don’t think a lot of people realise that they are leaving someone out of their conversation. My attitude is : its their loss if they can’t be bothered to talk to me! I prefer to meet up with small groups anyway as I have a better chance of contributing to the conversation!

I can remember a social occasion when I went up to a woman who was standing on her own and I started chatting to her. She looked me up and down and said” I don’t think we have been introduced” and turned her back on me. At the end of the evening I noticed she was still on her own- I wonder why??

I can't really add much to the original post that others haven't already said. I would agree that it is difficult to approach someone or initiate conversation if they are staring at a mobile phone, so keep it in your bag or pocket unless you actually need it. I admit it gets my back up when people spend all their time on their phone rather than interacting with the people they are with. You said none of the ladies you get on well with were there that week, so it sounds as though this was an 'off-week' for you and that you usually have others to talk to. It's not unusual for 'cliquey' elements to develop in all sorts of groups (I experienced this at some fishing clubs, but hey ho, there are others). Maybe you are a little depressed, feeling lonely and fearful of what the future might have in store, but don't give up on a group you have belonged to for 3 years just because one week was a bit rubbish for you.

Giggling @ B9exchange's comment - I often have to reread things and sometimes feel like a translator/interpreter, especially on social media posts. That said, I'm sure I make lots of mistakes by not proofreading my own posts!

I suspect this is more about you than them, without your phone and being given an opening by one of the group I'm afraid it was you that didn't join in. The weeks I go to a little group and the ladies I am particularly friendly with aren't there are odd but I chat to the others. I don't know if it is just a British thing but I always think its a shame everybody insists on sitting in the same seats and chatting to the same people. Try and sort things out with your BIL and sister if possible. Any chance of planning a visit to DDs and DGC? Keep an eye on your mood and see Doc if it seems to overwhelm you.

Jeannie59 I feel sorry for you.You sound depressed.You're making an effort to go out and do things,which isn't easy,as I know through experience.I'm not very good at sitting chatting with groups of women,and probably have been guilty of playing with my phone,which isn't a good idea.I try to join in when I can,some people are more talkative than others,but if I can make a small contribution it's something.I think these people are being rude,if they can see someone looks uncomfortable, they should try to include them.Good luck,and don't give up.

People are cliquey and it takes time to break into a group. Don't take your phone out, it was probably seen as a sign that you didn't want to be bothered with socialising. Just keep smiling and try to speak where you can. I'm sure that sometime in the future one of these 'couples' is going to be reduced to one. As I say keep smiling. I do sympathise, it's not easy but I'm sure you'll get there in the end.

It sounds as though you are feeling particularly sensitive at the moment, which may be partly due to the situation with your brother - in-law and sister which, in turn, has made you worry about being on your own should anything happen to your husband. This combination of things may have , understandably, made you feel low and we can then be more likely to assume the worst of people and situations.
I think most of us have experienced something along the lines of what you have described and respond differently depending on our personalities and the circumstances in our life at the time.
There are very few folk who deliberately form cliques to exclude/hurt others - they are just naturally comfortable with folk they've known for longer and who have similar interests/viewpoints. Many of the people in your group would probably be horrified to know you felt lonely and excluded.
Don't hide behind your phone if you can avoid it. Persevere and the next time you are going to be with them, maybe prepare something to say in advance. It could be about dancing or yoga or keep fit if that's the group's interests - maybe from a TV programme or website or a funny youtube video and take it from there. If you have a good friend among this group, could you confide in her/him and explain how you're feeling and the effect the falling out with brother-in-law and sister is having.
Things will get better. Be brave and assume the best of others, so that you are more likely to persevere with forming friendships in the group.
If things don't get better, it's no shame to seek counselling - many of us don't consider this when it might benefit us greatly. I know it helped me when I had a very difficult work situation.

I know what you mean Jeannie. The phone comes in blooming handy as you sit there on your own with seemingly everyone else chatting away. Not sure what the answer is. Hope it gets better and if you feel more secure with your phone, or a notebook say, you hang on to it. (For introverts being brave is walking in to the room in the first place. Then to find out they all know someone!)

It seems to me as if this incident has knocked your confidence Jeannie, understandable, but from reading your post it sounds as if it was a bit of a one-off. You say none of the ladies you get on well with were there - this means that you do have friends within the group, but they didnt happen to be around. You then go on to mention your family issue, and then to a much bigger fear of being on your own if your partner should cease to be around. It sounds like one of these accumulating situations where one incident on its own wouldnt have meant much, but together they have led you to worry about having friends and support into the future.

From my experience getting left out of group chats is sometimes just random and no reflection on you as a person. I went to a Pilates class for about a year before anyone even spoke to me, yet in the New Year I joined a different Yoga class and was drawn into the well established group immediately. I havent had a personality change, nor was I making any special effort. I think the group dynamics are just different, so please dont take it personally.

As to the longer term issue of potentially being left on your own, I do think that is something you might be able to address now by joining some new groups who may well be more friendly. Even if you dont like that idea, its never too late. My next door neighbours husband got dementia when they were both in their 80s. They had pretty much kept themselves to themselves, being friendly but quiet, but she invited all the near neighbours round to a tea party one Sunday afternoon, explained the situation and asked for help. Lo and behold an entire support group sprang up and continues to function six years later. People can be astonishingly kind, helpful and supportive even to virtual strangers, but sometimes I think it just needs something to break the ice.

Yes, sometimes groups are cliquey. I am not always sure that people mean to behave in that way.

Give it another go or two.

When we moved back to the UK, we bought a house in a rural county, in a market town that many people stay in all their lives. The women of my age in particular went to school together, were teenagers together, babysat for each other - they have people, events, tragedies, triumphs I know nothing about. On the surface they are very friendly and inclusive, but I am always an outsider often completely in the dark as to what they are talking about. It can be very lonely and depressing.

It does take a lot of courage to walk into a room and join in what seems to be a closed group conversation. If you are nervous, then a spray of Rescue Remedy just before you go in helps, if you approach a group, smile, and they move aside to create a small gap, you are in! If they continue to ignore you, try another one. Try not to think about what you are feeling, concentrate on each person talking.

The only time I really felt annoyed was attending a local group meeting for a large charity organisation with a somewhat geeky reputation. It was virtually entirely men, might have been one woman over the other side of the room. I had actually worked with some of them on national committees, I was not totally unknown to all of them.

I approached group after group, smiled, waited my turn, and made what I hoped was a relevant contribution. It was as though I was utterly invisible, I was completely ignored!! Some of them even closed ranks talking to each other and pushed me out. After 20 minutes of this I gave up and walked out, never again. And that organisation is pleading for more women members!!

I sympathise. I never feel I am really and truly a member of a group. Even though I have lots of friends, I always feel a bit of an outsider in groups. Others always seem to make friends within the group.

that's the reason I left my local church. sounds weird but they were all for themselves .I offer to help ....no its ok we do it our way...been to new church for at least 5 years now. I know everyone .we warm church and people really care ,and that's how it should be.

You weren't invisible though because someone spoke to you but you didn't take the opportunity to engage in conversation with them. What goes around comes around and you get out what you put in. If you're that bothered make the effort, I could understand if you made the effort to chat and were rebuffed but that's not what happened is it?

I have always been shy among people I don't know. But frequently when I do get to know someone, they say that they used to think I was a bit stand-offish, but now they know me they realise that I am very nice. Shyness can be misinterpreted.

In the retirement home where I live , we have independent living.
There is a social committee, within the building and its very clicky.
They sit in the same area all the time , think they run the building better than the estate managers .
I just sit on a fence so to speak, but continue to do my own thing being independent of them.
They get money for socials by raffle's,blue tokens from Tesco ,and Watirose green ones but are still unable to represent an account where the money is being spent.
Mick

Wondering how long some of you ladies have been friends here ?

I have been on gransnet for a few weeks and noticed that some of you ladies seem to know each other quite well. Just how far back do some of you go ? Have friends invited other friends into the group or have some made friends on gransnet ?

Just curious ?