Gransnet forums


Control Issues

(42 Posts)
CanOnlyTry Thu 07-Feb-19 09:43:33

We have a Master Tactition for a DiL
It may sound harsh to say this but after almost 14yrs sadly I've come to accept it's the truth 😢 I know many of you struggle but how do you cope when your time with your DGSs is under threat because of the "game" being played here?
It appears to be a control issue, and little by little over the years we seem to have been put in a bad light compared with her parents. Now they can't seem to accept that we love to treat tto children when we have them/care for them while they're at work. I do honestly wonder if this is all down to the fact of how much they enjoy their time with us. Perhaps by insisting that we deny them things when we have them, that somehow they won't be as close to us. Although we know that our time, love, attention etc is far more important to give them and I believe they would athat too. Its incredibly upsetting when all you want to do is love and support all of them but are being stumbled by rules & regulations 😣 btw in case you think we're being unfair it is from BOTH of them although she's definitely the power behind the throne! AND before anyone suggests that we form a better relationship, spend time or buy things/treat her and them, please let me say now that we've tried every which way over the years to form a loving relationship but nothing works I'm afraid and sadly we've come to the conclusion that it's really not what she/they want we're being taken for fools (sad) It all seems incredibly mercenary for anyone to want everything on their terms (😢)

Urmstongran Thu 07-Feb-19 10:37:30

This must be hard for you both to navigate. Your grandsons are the beneficiaries of your love, time and any treats you supply. I cannot understand the envy that must thread along the bottom of some people’s thoughts about care for these boys. It’s not a competition!
Good luck going forward.

Jane10 Thu 07-Feb-19 10:47:03

You don't say what exactly it is that you do while with the children that she objects to. Sweets? Treats? Presents? She may well have good reason for her perceived behaviour.

Nonnie Thu 07-Feb-19 10:51:58

I'm not sure there is anything you can do. Some women are like that and have to control everything, including their partners. It could be that she has put your DS in a position where he has to go along with her against you. Imagine the scenario where she says it is you or her and the family.

If you have examined you conscience and are sure you have done your best, I doubt you can change the situation. There are some who think dils are always right and defend them regardless but that is not always the case as many on here have seen.

Bridgeit Thu 07-Feb-19 11:01:23

So your Grandchildren are teenagers now? so easy enough for you to say to them , sorry but that’s your parents rules ?
You can’t replace time spent with them so just enjoy their company .

Poppyred Thu 07-Feb-19 11:04:30

What exactly are they objecting to?

Davidhs Thu 07-Feb-19 11:12:52

A MIL is in a difficult position the child’s mother is main carer and has her opinions how to run the family, children, husband and home. MIL has greater experience but it’s not always relevant, the mother has set a routine for the children - fixed bed times, no treats, meals at a certain time and if someone else changes those rules it causes the children to say “but granny lets us”.

Those are words a mother does not want to hear, so why not just follow mums routine and save all the hassle.

Izabella Thu 07-Feb-19 11:33:02

Why worry what you cannot change? It causes stress, ages you and spoils enjoyment of the moment.

Granarchist Thu 07-Feb-19 11:50:09

My house, my rules (within reason of course). Seems to work for us.

wildswan16 Thu 07-Feb-19 12:07:05

You don't seem to say exactly what the problem is. Are you giving your GC things their parents do not approve of? Occasional treats are usually no problem, but if this is a regular occurrence then their parents may well have a good reason to try and curb this aspect.

M0nica Thu 07-Feb-19 12:33:11

Yes, I am not clear what the problem is. Is it minor - like no sweets, or vegetarian only, or is it something major, like - well I cannot think of anything off hand.

You clearly still see the children and have them to yourselves. Looking back on three generations of being grandchildren, me, my children and now grandchildren, relationships with grandparents have been based on who the grandparents were rather than what they did for us, gave us etc. Mak it clear when refusals are based on Parents Rules, we all have them/had them.

I would suggests top constantly comparing yourself with the other grandparents, worrying about what your children's motives are and just enjoy your grandchildren in the here and now when they are with you and let the rest go hang.

EllanVannin Thu 07-Feb-19 12:49:22

The GC are, I suspect, getting the " right " attention that sadly isn't afforded by the parents.

Mycatisahacker Thu 07-Feb-19 18:17:40

I think it’s a bit hard to comment as your post is too vague. What specifically do they object to? And how old are the grandchildren? Toddlers or teens? Very very different kettle of fish. Can you give more specifics?

paddyann Thu 07-Feb-19 18:31:05

Mum and Dad are in charge and when we look after our GC we abide by their rules I would have expected my parents and IL's to do with my children .

BlueBelle Fri 08-Feb-19 06:24:39

Why do people think that they can control the parents then accuse the parents of being controlling?
It’s a very enigmatic post with nothing really to go on I cannot see how you can get any help with such a vague story

kittylester Fri 08-Feb-19 06:40:19

Are you new, op? If so welcome.

Anja Fri 08-Feb-19 07:30:06

This isn’t the same DiL that you complained about in Jsnuary is it? That DiL had only been with your son for 3 years, but in this post you mention 14 years.

I’m not sure whether you have two DiLs that are controlling or what? 🙄

I think, if you are genuine, you need to come back and explain.

BlueBelle Fri 08-Feb-19 08:19:35

Good post Anji maybe we wait until we hear from Canonlytry before we start investing more advicetime

Sheilasue Fri 08-Feb-19 10:17:44

I think after all this time that you should accept what they are like, it’s very hard for you to come to terms with this but 14 years is a long time and trying to do the right thing doesn’t seem to be working. I suggest you get on with your life and make the most of the time you have with your lovely gc.

Barmeyoldbat Fri 08-Feb-19 10:27:58

We are not the parents and however much we love our gc I am afraid its their children, their rules on upbringing. So we just need to step back and make your own life.

Jane43 Fri 08-Feb-19 10:37:32

I agree with Paddyann, if parents have rules they must be respected or you will undermine them. If the treats are sugar related then many parents now are aware of the harm too much sugar can do - more aware in fact that we were or our parents when sugar was no longer rationed.

knspol Fri 08-Feb-19 10:41:50

MY dil but HER children. I've always followed her rules when looking after GD as I remember how upset I used to get when my own MIL disregarded my wishes.

mabon1 Fri 08-Feb-19 10:55:53

Their rules, keep to them. No wonder you don't have a good relationship if you defy their wishes.

Jaycee5 Fri 08-Feb-19 11:12:45

The term 'treats' is too vague for people really to respond to. There are so many things that contain sugar nowadays for example that not giving extra sweets except on special occasions if up to the parents not a temporary carer however close they are. If it is expensive things that the parents would like to give but can't afford, that might be a problem. They may just not want the children to be spoiled. If it is taking them somewhere, then that might be unreasonable as long as you are sure it is not somewhere the parents want to take them.
You say that they can't seem to accept that you want to treat the grandchildren. They will be thinking that you can't seem to accept that they don't want you to.
If it is a battle for control then they win because they are the parents so concede that battle and think about how you can enjoy your time with them without giving them treats. You don't need to buy their affection.

Gaggi3 Fri 08-Feb-19 11:23:31

Dear Fil used to give DD's chocolate biscuits and lemonade for breakfast when we stayed. . They are in their 40's now and seem o.k. Obviously, it wouldn't have been good all the time but hardly mattered on a very occasional basis and was part of the fun.