Control Issues

Spot on M0nica I try to assume people are decent folk until they actually do something that tells me different. I am not often disappointed.

I just do not understand why people are so quick to take offence all the time, nobody is perfect, we all have our own sharp corners and rough bits, that is why we talk about rubbing along together.

Life is so much easier, if we just relax, let everyone be themselves and know we can be ourselves and not be constantly on the lookout for perceived insults, snubs or favouritism.

Just to add, this is only for a week, I think I might have made it sound like a permanent situation.
No! Mum and Dad will both be back in Monday.☺

My Son and Dil are both abroad and myself and her Mother are looking after our Dgs aged 7 between our homes.
I had him last weekend then handed over to her, as she is nearer his School and now he's back with me until Monday morning, when I'll drop him at School.
We've just had an half hour text conversation, mainly about our shared boy, there's not one scrap of jealousy between us, in fact we get on very well and go for lunches and cinema afternoons now and then.
It's much easier if everyone gets along.

Tillybelle has it in a nutshell.

It's OK to treat your grandchildren if you see them once or twice a year. But if you are regular childcare, than treats are no longer treats but "spoiling", and even worse if that is food-based. Children do not need extra sugar and extra junk food. When we see my delightful MIL, I get her to treat DS with yummy cheeses, nuts and different fruits, rather than sweets and biscuits. DS is just as happy, and it's much better for his health.

Seriously, it's a mum's job to control what her children eat, etc, until they are old enough to make wise choices for themselves. It is not the job of a grandparent to undermine the mum.

In my experience, when other people call the mother of young children "controlling", they mean she won't let them do whatever they like with her kids.

GabriellaG54. Your outlook is truly the way to live. I entirely applaud you.

I shall never forget when I first became a Granny. My daughter gave birth in the city of her MIL and so other Granny was there. I was jealous but not too much as my sonIL and the other Granny kept in touch with me. Soon I was down there and stayed as the baby and mum had to return to Hospital. Quickly other Granny and I bonded. Time came for me to return home 3hrs away. I was so glad to leave my daughter with this wonderful MIL! I had no jealousy from then onwards even though, naturally the local Granny babysat and saw my eldest GS so much more than I did. It did not spoil my relationship with him. Then suddenly and tragically this lady, now one of my best friends, was found dead, by my daughter! She had only reached her 70th birthday! I am so relieved I had not envied her or felt competitive over our GS! She and I were very close friends in fact. I was so glad my daughter and GS had had her nearby. I used to look forward to meeting her so much, almost more than seeing my daughter sometimes! Then my daughter and family moved away because of her DH's job, which made a good break. Now they are in a different city it is easier to see them and know other Granny will not be there.
In a less close relationship I was never jealous of my 2nd Daughter's other Granny. This lady stayed with them while this DGS was still in hospital. She did a great job! I was disabled by then and unable to be so active. I never felt in competition with this other wonderful Granny. Unlike my first daughter's MIL she and I are not as alike, but we get on very well and have a good laugh. She has a large family. I am so blessed not to have difficulties with the other Grannies in the ways the GNetters have. There are no Grandads as my husband and my two eldest's husband's fathers died. My youngest has wonderful MIL and FIL but they live in Australia. However they come over and stay with them so see them more than I do because my disability prevents me travelling now. I cope with not seeing them as best I can but am very sad about it. However I am genuinely thrilled when my youngest's in-laws are there. They are younger than I and such brilliant people!
We must count our blessings! The DGC need as many members of their family around them as possible. It does not do if we are jealous of each other!

Thanks to everyone for your varied responses and apologies that I was slightly vague in my post (it was late). I'll compile a more detailed explanation as soon as I can. Thanks again for taking the time to respond

I find that having my own life and not comparing the other MiLs time with GC or GGC, with the amount of time I spend with them, is a good idea.
My AC have their own lives and live them as they wish, not as I think they ought to live life.
I'm not on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and have no intention of vicariously living my life through theirs.
The vast majority of GNers (and correct me if I'm wrong, as I'm sure you will) have problems with inlaws, usually MiL, SiL and DiL and, IMO, it's because they expect too much, make too many comparisons with the 'other side' and are too involved.

Pat1949 Poor you! As soon as I read that you had written "Girls are always closer to their mothers..." I knew the exceptions would flood forth! I got what you meant though! Generally girls do discuss issues with their mothers especially domestic ones, more than with their fathers.
I think the point here is that this DIL is saying that the GPs are doing things that are not allowed in the child-care regime she and her husband want for their children.
No matter what we think, unless the child(ren) are actually suffering, we must follow the child-care rules the parents want for their children. The parents are in charge, We may provide free child-care, but we don't break the parents' rules. It is very bad for the children, anyway, if we do, but from principle, we must follow what the parents want and not be arrogant and think we know best. I looked after my DGC a long time ago and made sure I did everything their mummy or daddy would do. If I were unsure about something I would tell them, "We need to ask Mummy". sometimes they might ask why and I always said "Because Mummy and Daddy know you best and know what is best for you." I often said "and they are really clever!" too! Well, "mummy" is my daughter so of course she's brilliant!

What are you hoping to get from your OP? I ask because having set out the issues as you see them you then say you have tried everything!
If the issue is that parents feel you overindulge your DGCs then you do need to listen to them. They have every right to set boundaries and rules for their children. If they feel you are undermining their expectations/ values they will want to do a damage limitation exercise and limit their time with you.
If it is that co- grandparents want more involvement then that's good for the DGC too and you would be wise to step back graciously or risk an unhappy time!

"Now they can't seem to accept that we love to treat tto children when we have them/care for them while they're at work. I do honestly wonder if this is all down to the fact of how much they enjoy their time with us. Perhaps by insisting that we deny them things when we have them, that somehow they won't be as close to us. Although we know that our time, love, attention etc is far more important to give them and I believe they would athat too."

My reading of this is that you provide regular childcare for your grandchildren, allowing your son and daughter-in-law to work without the cost of a nursery, childminder etc. Very laudable, and quite a responsibility.

Your son and DIL have asked you not to 'treat' the children. What do you mean by that? What constitutes a 'treat'? Are we talking about taking them to soft play, or, as I suspect, the 'treat' may be along the lines of filling them with sweeties?

You haven't given enough details to know what you're actually talking about, but from the 'woe is me' tone of your post @CanOnlyTry, I suspect you think that you are entitled to override the PARENTS on how your grandchildren are raised. The overblown language - ^"Master Tactition", "under threat", "deny them things" - .

breeze. Yessss!

CanOnlyTry. It's a bit difficult to follow what the argument is about. Is it concerning what you say about;

we love to treat tto children when we have them/care for them while they're at work. ?
Is the mother of the children in disagreement with the treats you give? If so, what are her reasons for this? It might help us if you explain what the treats are and what the mother says is wrong with them.

I understand that you think
I do honestly wonder if this is all down to the fact of how much they enjoy their time with us. and that you therefore must believe the mother is jealous. However could she be unhappy about the kind of treats you give for other reasons? Maybe on health grounds for example? You say that the mother is
insisting that we deny them things when we have them. It made me wonder what these things were. When I looked after my DGC (before I was too disabled), I was aware that the parents had a policy about sweets, for example. I would never break that policy, under any conditions. The parents wanted to safeguard the children's health. It was the same about the amount of TV they could watch.
If you are not following the children's parents' wishes as to how they want their children to be brought up, then you cannot be surprised that your DIL is upset with you. I would be in her place. While you are doing her a favour in giving child care, you still have a responsibility to the parents to look after their children in the manner they want for their children. Unless the parents are harming the children you must respect their wishes and rules regarding what is allowed for their children. If you cannot do this, you ought not to look after other people's children, whether they be your Grandchildren or not.

Pat1949 Ian very close to my son but then its different for me as I am carer for my daughter. Still my son phones most weeks for a chat and often with suggestion we meet up in town for a coffee or something. I get on well with my now ex dil, we still chat etc. I will say that when the gc were younger we had one live with us during term time for a while and dad would sometimes ring and say we have just brought this particular rule into the house so I would therefore have in it in our home and so on. It worked well.

Pat1949 not so. I am closer to my son than to my daughter and I bet I’m not the only one.

Too vague. In the absence of more information as to why your DIL is objecting to you or coming up with master plans to thwart you I can only say 'Their children, their rules'.

It's difficult to say otherwise as you've not pointed out why this expert at tactics has got it in for you.

Grandparents can very usefully play a part in a child's upbringing if they are encouraging them to be well mannered, measured and kind human beings. Educate them and so forth. But if you are stuffing them with sweets then your DIL and DS will of course object.

They obviously trust you enough to look after them, so I think the issue could be you are giving them treats they are not allowed at home, therefore undermining the parenting. Think about it. Kindness isn't always about treats. And believe me, I do understand as I love to treat my two GDs. But I always check it's o.k. and I make sure it's not too much.

Girls are always closer to their mothers than boys. So their children are usually left with their mothers. I'm sure it's no reflection on you. My mother in law had 4 daughters and 2 sons. The daughter's children were left with my mother in law whereas my children were always left with my mum. It was no reflection on my mother in law, she was lovely. I must admit it was easier to tell my mum if she did anything with the children I didn't agree with than it was to tell my mil.

Dear Fil used to give DD's chocolate biscuits and lemonade for breakfast when we stayed. . They are in their 40's now and seem o.k. Obviously, it wouldn't have been good all the time but hardly mattered on a very occasional basis and was part of the fun.

The term 'treats' is too vague for people really to respond to. There are so many things that contain sugar nowadays for example that not giving extra sweets except on special occasions if up to the parents not a temporary carer however close they are. If it is expensive things that the parents would like to give but can't afford, that might be a problem. They may just not want the children to be spoiled. If it is taking them somewhere, then that might be unreasonable as long as you are sure it is not somewhere the parents want to take them.
You say that they can't seem to accept that you want to treat the grandchildren. They will be thinking that you can't seem to accept that they don't want you to.
If it is a battle for control then they win because they are the parents so concede that battle and think about how you can enjoy your time with them without giving them treats. You don't need to buy their affection.

Their rules, keep to them. No wonder you don't have a good relationship if you defy their wishes.

MY dil but HER children. I've always followed her rules when looking after GD as I remember how upset I used to get when my own MIL disregarded my wishes.

I agree with Paddyann, if parents have rules they must be respected or you will undermine them. If the treats are sugar related then many parents now are aware of the harm too much sugar can do - more aware in fact that we were or our parents when sugar was no longer rationed.

We are not the parents and however much we love our gc I am afraid its their children, their rules on upbringing. So we just need to step back and make your own life.

I think after all this time that you should accept what they are like, it’s very hard for you to come to terms with this but 14 years is a long time and trying to do the right thing doesn’t seem to be working. I suggest you get on with your life and make the most of the time you have with your lovely gc.

Good post Anji maybe we wait until we hear from Canonlytry before we start investing more advicetime