Lack of friends

And a bit like dating, its hard to find the line between giving up too quickly Vs not taking a hint.

"Lets grab a coffee sometime" could be a brush-off or a genuine invitation?

If someone is busy when you follow up on it, are they just busy or not interested.

I've had to start over with friendships many times due to moving often. One thing I eventually learnt was that not everyone I met had to become a friend. I realised that it was perfectly fine to have people I know and then have a deeper relationship with others who became close friends.

I also learnt that no one is waiting to be my friend and I had to put in the spade work. There are the obvious things to do. such as mixing with others so you have a chance to meet that one person with whom you hit it off. Showing interest in the other person is always good, so have a few polite questions ready e.g. 'Do you live locally?' Or 'I love your hair, where do you get it done?' or whatever's appropriate to the situation.

Then, and I think this is crucial, if you get the feeling you're on the same wavelength, try to make a firm date to get together. Ask if they'd like to meet for coffee next Wednesday - not at some nameless point in the future. They may jump at the invitation, or they may say, 'Oh, I can't do Wednesday but Thursday would be good,' or they may say, 'Sorry, I can't manage that. I'm busy.' The latter response can be a bit ouch but you can rationalise it as nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Don't forget to offer people a way of contacting you, too. (Use a 'spare' email address if you're worried about security.) If they reciprocate, that's even better.

I would not have a social life if my daughter hadn't invited me to piggyback off hers! Been here nearly 20 years! On and off- Prior to that, I didn't have one- But "only" since moving to this state- Every other state I lived in I developed intimate relationships with people no matter how short-lived or long-lasting- In the book Bossy Pants by Tina Fey she described people from this state to a T- I was in tears!

It may take time to make friends rather than acquaintances but why not try something like the WI? I am not a member but someone I know goes and enjoys it.

Acquaintances may turn into friends.

Book Group perhaps.

I am a member of the WI Tangerine and although I do enjoy the monthly meetings I have never made any real friends there. It is quite cliquey and most people already know each other (like there are a group of people who all work together for the NHS and another group who work in the LA etc.) they tend to stick together. I am rarely able to attend the various events and outings they have as they tend to be when I am at work or on childcare duties. Okay so they say hello how are you? But that’s about it . Lonely in a crowd, kind of sums it up really.

Thanks Gillybob.

I'd been thinking about joining and may give it a try when I retire. I have nothing to lose and don't have to continue if I don't like it.

Yes do give it a go Tangerine I do enjoy our monthly meetings and have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times now . I suppose anyone able to attend the events outside the usual meetings could make likeminded friends.

Many groups one joins in later life I've found are rather cliquey, but I just rise above it, as I don't need this. However, I've found friendship with one or two people within these groups who I meet up with for coffee/lunch and a chat. I have two dear friends from my childhood/teenage years and a few old friends from work. Other than that, I have neighbours who are friends and others I've met from volunteering. I also have a daughter, who has many friends in the area we live, so I am included in some of the outings - theatre, quiz nights etc. What are your interests Vauxhall? There are so many opportunities to meet like minded people, but you need the confidence and determination to do it!

If you meet someone you like don't hold back.
As someone said earlier make a date for certain not something vague.
You can only have time for 2 or 3 close friends at the most as friends take time and effort.

Whatever you do pick the people you want and not just any old person for the sake of not being lonely.
You must like, admire and respect a friend and be able to tell them anything and talk freely.

I met my two friends at the swimming pool. I see them separately though and they each have other friends of their own although we all love swimming with a passion. Find something you love to do and you will be sure to meet someone there. For example a walking group or if you have a dog other dog walkers.
My hairdresser arranged a holiday with people she met dog walking.

Get out there, don't give up - not an option - and when you meet someone you like I can bet you they'll like you too so invite them round for a cup of tea.
I collect my gs from school and have palled up with another mum and another grandma and we seem to have a similar sense of humour. I really like them both and trust me - there are not many people I like!
Just remeber - people do not come knocking, get out there and have courage - don't worry if they like you! Think - do I like THEM!
XX

P.S Vauxhall58

I have sisters but we have had nothing to do with each other for over 20 years and I have 2 children who have their own social life which doesn't include me so don't worry. I also haven't had a husband for years.
My few but much loved and cared for friends have always been a very important part of my life and I have drifted apart from many and found new ones as life evolves and people move naturally on which is okay!
Try to never feel sorry for yourself, show gratitude and listen carefully to everything people say. If they don't listen to you MOVE ON..!
Good luck
xx

Something I do what I forgot to mention. Once a month me and a few neighbours have a coffee afternoon. We all take turns in being the host, meet from 2 to 4pm (it generally runs over) and the host supplies tea and biscuits, no fancy cooking just keep it easy. I was the instigator I typed up flyers and put them through doors of people I knew and also didn’t really know. Before we leave we pick a date we can all do for next time.

Well, you are certainly not unfriendly, or you would not be reaching out. I understand the only child comment, I am an only child and I am aware that I only want friends when I am in the mood, which is something I am working on, I also put it down to being an only child. I do not know if you have heard of meetup online, you go on the general website then put your own areas in the search engine, it seems great, but obviously, check stuff out really well before heading anywhere. Although we do not see each other face to face we are all friends on here and you sound amazing, good luck.

Perhaps Gransnet could set up something where we could give the area we live in and note whether we would like to contact others for a meet up?

I think those of you who have responded who lack friends should become pen pals - or perhaps these days email pals (not quite as exciting though!) . It would be difficult to offer friendship on this site as we all live in different places. However, it would be fun to keep in touch by letter (I get so excited if I receive a handwritten card or letter - to think someone has take time out to do this). When I was at school I had lots of pen-friends all over the world and loved hearing from them telling me about their lives. Anyone interested?

When we moved to Ireland 10 years ago I went from working full time and having a good social life to living in the middle of no where and not knowing anyone. I failed to get a job (and it wasn’t for the fact of trying) and was starting to feel very isolated so I began doing some voluntary work and it opened up a whole new world. I met so lovely people - made a difference to lots of people and finally felt I was worth something again

The multi-media images of just about EVERYONE having loads of friends, having a fun time all the time, in demand socially, never stops smiling, always being asked for words of wisdom and generally being exhausted by their never-ending social whirl just ain't true.

A total myth. You may think not having a bunch of friends (and there's a word that's of questionable definition) is a negative - well, think of a positive.

Privacy. Something that is very precious but vanishing so fast in the 21st century that (I predict) in as little as a couple of decades people will look back and say "remember when we had privacy? Where did it go? Ah, those were the days."

And don't get me started on the subject of people who describe the assorted types they collect on FaceBook as "friends"......

This is very common when you don't work with lots of people, or when you no longer work.
Join your local Women's Institute they are so different to how they were,, and now have lots of other little groups within such as a theatre/cinema group, book club, walking group.
Join an over 50s group on Facebook or inline.
Search for your local Meetup group, which is a fantastic way to make new local friends...going out for coffee, lunch etc.
Good luck, and keep us updated ?

Can I suggest you consider doing what I did when we moved hundreds of miles from original home town to very isolated property...
the village hall in the next hamlet offered various events... I went to a coffee morning on my own...left husband in garden... was welcomed and got sucked in...
15 years later I realise it was the best single thing I did to get to know and get involved... even husband occasionally helps out now and I can honestly say I feel part of the community..
village hall ...church hall... anything like that always welcome help and by giving that you become friends...
do it now ...take that first step...

Cheap/free courses
WI
Open Mic night - singing comedy
group/singles holiday
Volunteer - National Trust/holidays e.g. free accommodation for work in garden.
Volunteer in food bank
Search the internet for other opportunities.
Don't sit wondering do something/anything - you only get one go.

Notanan2, you can't make friends until you have made their acquaintance! I don't think that you can force a friendship, but keep meeting people, and making the effort to stay in touch will allow friendships to develop.

There is a lot of evidence that the larger your network of friends/acquaintances the better your health and wellbeing.

I was in a similar position working so that I couldn't get out (DH is VERY unkeen for me to go out at night). We'd moved constantly since we were married and so I'd lost touch with most people I knew.

I joined U3a, which has a lot of groups everything from bridge, to latin, vegetable gardening, knitting, singing, walking, you name it.

I also went on facebook and finally found school friends I'd lost for years. One drove up to see me yesterday.

I joined a group of ladies who 'meet for lunch' one day a month. I found them through the local website.

I haven't found a best friend yet, but at least I can natter now!

I have no friends either, when I retired, I kept in touch with a couple of colleagues but that contact is very infrequent. Travelling so much, I've never made or had many friends, I've always found it very difficult to speak to people and still do.

I know what u mean. I get very involved with my large house and garden and I find I have no time to socialise. We also have a lot of animals to care for.
Lately I’ve been going out for lunch every week with some girls I met through the horses. It’s been great. Also I have joined the gym but don’t get there very often. U have to push yourself. Ring people and go for a coffee or do afternoon tea and invite someone round. Volunteer or join a group that really interests you. U can easily become isolated and just do your own thing. Get in touch with cousins you haven’t seen for a while. U must push yourself, even if u just see someone once a week for coffee.

Sound's just like me thinking of getting a divorce
So I can invite new people I meet to my home
He doesn't want to do anything and doesn't like me going out without him
But he won't join a gym or go for a walk
I will watch this post to get ideas

Those people you try and socialise with online are not friends. It is only o facebook that they are misleadingly called "friends. When the computer is off they do not exist. The only real friends are those you meet face-to-face. So get out and do that by volunteering an hour or two a week at old age homes, play groups and such. It is not the oldies or the kids you will become friends with, it is the other volunteers and staff you will meet....those contacts can build into friendships. Also try groups like indoor bowling, library reading groups and so on.

I don’t have friends. I do think that being an only child for my childhood (I was 11.5 when my sister came along) does have an effect. I have people that I’m friendly with, but that’s different. I know them from volunteering and kickboxing. My life revolves around my husband, children and grandchildren. Perhaps I’m just not a friendly person. My daughters have lots of friends, but I just can’t be bothered to cultivate friendships with other women.