Lack of friends

I think there is a vast difference between a friend and an acquaintance. I have two of the former and more than my fair share of seriously pleasant others. In both cases I find diligent nurturing in both directions is essential. This is particularly true when building up a newish relationship. My besty and I are about to celebrate 60 years of meeting on 16th June. Truly lovely relationship and yet initially we weren't enamoured of each other. Unfortunately we live farish apart but that doesn't seem to matter. I am forever open to new associations. Just find people fascinating and am so grateful to be fortunate in this area of my life. Have to add that, at this stage of the game, I'm attending more funerals and my circle is deminishing far too regularly. That's the painful consequence of relationships. Whoever said 'better to have loved and lost' was spot on.

In preparation for retirement, (my apologies for mentioning as it's a way off yet) we all have to work out what to do 'socially. And of course many people move area or downsize. People we used to work with let us fade away. So what do we do?
Evening classes, join groups, U3A, environmental or political groups, residential weekends away learning to do something (which is a bit expensive), charity work, organising a new group (e.g. Neighbourhood Watch) or a reunion (workplace, school etc), buy a dog are honestly just a few.

I agree with LuckyGirl - you need to interact on a physical level to make new friends and this means its up to you to see what's out there - if hubby sits and does nothing then the world's your oyster - you could join any number of groups, do some volunteering but make this where you will meet like-minded people. You could always launch your own book group, inviting a few neighbours and reading a book each month, taking it in turns to host the evening, and enjoying a glass of wine at the same time. With a new circle of friends, you will always have someone to spend a day out with and visiting places of interest together. Our local hospice is always looking for volunteers to sell in its charity shops, to serve in its restaurant and café, to drive outpatients to and from appointments, to tend the beautiful gardens, to join the arts and crafts groups that make items for sale. There's also a choir. Look outside your home and you will find endless opportunities to make new friends.

Notanan there is no formula for making friends but you have to know people first so they start as acquaintances. I have found as we have travelled around a lot that I have found people everywhere with whom I have clicked. If I like someone I generally find they like me and I slowly develop this by seeing them for coffee or a walk etc. I have friends now all over the world and they are good friends. When I was diagnosed with cancer each and every one of them rang me and they constantly keep in touch. I moved where I am now when I was 50 and it took a while but I have made one or two really good friends here. One I met through my husband's golf and a couple from NWR.
If you want to have friends you have to go for it. It is a little like dating and you will know immediately if you click.

I'm divorced with no children (that speak to me) and live with my carer/best friend. She likes to stay at home, I get cabin fever and would like to find someone to go for days out with. Trouble is, I'm in a wheelchair and the buses from where I live are few and far between and stop at 5pm. That makes going out in the evening impossible (Wheelchair taxis are twice the price), so I'm a bit stuck for finding friends too!

I've only got one actual in-the-flesh friend, who was my best friend at school too. Loads of friends online. I have a husband, a daughter and an ex daughter in law and their kids who are my family - and a son who hasn't wanted to see me for two years now, but he did give me a lovely ex-dil and grandchildren But anyway, back to the point, I have one friend and she's a good friend. I don't feel as if I could fit in any more friends at this stage of my life and still do them justice.

Use your access to social media to find out what is going on in your area, both daytime and evening. If there are any crafts you enjoy doing or would like to try, there may be a group of people that meets up once a month or so, if not, why not ask if anyone might like to make one up ?
Join the local WI/ women's group.
Social life doesn't have to revolve around pubs and you have to start gradually and build up a lot of aquaintances that overtime may well become friends - finding something in common is usually a good start!

Join the U3A a fabulous organisation where you can meet like-minded people.

www.u3a.org.uk/

Good Luck

Wow.......
I’m sorry so many don’t have fiends, however, one thing I learnt in my 30’s.....the world isn’t going to appear in your lounge....you have to go get it.
I also figured....it is better to go and join a group which interests you.....if you make friends that is a bonus!
I love sewing so joined a charity group making quilts for children taken into hospital....we meet once a month and have become friends. I also joined a patchwork group which gets me out and an Embroiderers group.
If you knit there are shops, groups and libraries who often host knit and natter groups.
I did try volunteering and met lovely people, again there is the shared interest.
Also, whilst it isn’t for me, at the moment, there is a local charity group who run a day centre where they host events so peopl can meet others.

I only really have one close friend and she is about 20 years younger than me and still working so we only meet up once a month. I am on our local area Facebook page and a few months ago someone posted that shecwas new to the area and did anyone fancy meeting for a coffee. Two or three people responded and we now have a regular arangement to meet second Tuesday and last Wednesday of each month plus other days if anyone can't make those days. Each time we meet there are one or two regulars and usually a couple of new people. We are not close friends but it is nice to sit and chat to people of varying ages and lifestyles. Yesterday there was a young lady with a small baby who popped in forva coffee. We invited her to join us for a chat and even xheered up baby for 10 minutes and she is keen to pop in again.

Possibly this may work for some people (says the woman with no friends! )

thechattycafescheme.co.uk/about/

Wow.......
I’m sorry so many don’t have fiends, however, one thing I learnt in my 30’s.....the world isn’t going to appear in your lounge....

That is the assumption thst happens on these threads though.

Lots of lonely people ARE "out there". If I walk to my local shops I will bump into several people I "know". Im off tonight to a gruop event I helped organise. Im doing my course tomorrow.

I'm quite an out there person and Im good at making small talk. I'm just not good at making friends.

I havent made a new friend in about 10 years!
The friends I do make I keep. I am good at keeping in touch. But none of them are local any more.
I'm surrounded by friendly small talk but nothing real or deeper

Some great suggestions here.When I moved to a new area,I found the single best thing for meeting people was walking my dog.If you don't have a dog,could you offer to walk one for a neighbour or volunteer at a local rescue centre?Most dog owners are very friendly and love to talk about their and your pets.My best friend is someone I met whilst dog walking.Sadly,my own dog passed away last year but I still have all the lovely friends I made with his help.

Join a U3A if you have one near you. I have made lots of very good friends. Plenty of people I can do things with or just phone for a chat. Plus you’ll learn things too.

I thought I had made some good local friends when my children were young and at the stage when mums chatted while children played. Some I saw at least twice a week and we seemed to enjoy each others company and confide in each other etc.

But they ALL fell away when our children went to different friendship groups or different secondaries and none were interested in staying friends without the playdates.

Oh notanan2 that was sad to read

“sometimes knowing a lot of people, but also knowing that none of them really care”

It hit home exactly what the OP (and you) mean. I never thought about it so deeply.
?

Sometimes you can make a new friend in the most unlikely places and situations. I made two friends just by chance like this. The first one was in our local library, I had a couple of books under my arm and had just headed towards the arts and crafts section for a different book ,when a lady standing next to me looking through the books, reached out at the same time as me for the same book. We laughed about who should have it, then she pointed to one of the other books I was carrying and said I see we have similar tastes. As our library has its own readers cafe inside she said I'm just going to have a coffee do you care to join me, so I did, we found we had a few other things in common as well. Now our meet up point is the cafe in the library and we occasionally go for a walk together afterwards and sometimes pub lunch.
The second one I made when I was sitting on a seat in our local park, just watching the world go by, when a woman sat down next me and started chatting. She said do you live here ( my northern accent is nothing like the one where live now). When I told her I had lived here a long time she told me she had recently moved here and knew no-one. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet for a coffee the following week at a local coffee shop. I wondered if she would turn up and she probably wondered if I would but yes we both did, and now she is helping me to learn some proper dressmaking skills and I am helping her with her very large garden. Sometimes just smiling at someone can be the ice breaker needed to start of a conversation and friendships can lead from that. Other times I have joined evening classes and made friends there with like minded people with the same interests. If only we could be as we were as children when we making friends came naturally.

That's what I have found.
I had lots of friends when our circumstances were similar.
As a young mum, I had lots of other young mums as friends.
As a working Nan with a fairly young child (and nobody to babysit) my friends have drifted away.

I'm very fortunate in that I make friends easily. Some are because of the 'now', but I generally keep friends for a very long time, some exceptionally close and have seen me through some very rocky times.

Some, including my best/closest friend, I have met through Am Drams. Joining a dramatic society is a very good and fun way of meeting people and making friends. It is certainly not necessary to be an aspiring actress. It took me years to pluck up courage to tread the boards, despite being an extrovert. Walk on, part of the crowd roles mean you are included. But far more goes on back stage. There's costumes, directing, stage managing, props, front of house, publicity, making the coffee etc etc. it's all very inclusive. And rehearsals are usually twice a week plus other activities and a very good social life as a spin off. You wouldn't stay lonely for long! Go on give it a go.

I would suggest you join an actual physical group, as I don't think you are very likely to make personal friends online.

Have you considered joining a group that walk together for exercise?

Or joining a book club at your local library?

Oh I do understand what you mean Notanan2. It is very difficult to make proper friends at our age. Joining groups and volunteering suggestions make me sigh. Usually the groups and volunteers are already in a strong friendship with others and despite being polite and welcoming, it’s not the same as being friends. I find your thread reassuring that I am not an oddball, but a bit fed up of hobby groups and volunteering suggestions.

Exactly MissAdventure.

How to transition from we're friendly because we are both in X group, or because we see a lot of each other at the moment because we both do Y
To: We are friends just because we like each other, and will enjoy a catch up even if our lives drift in different directions.

I don't know how.
I must have had that skill in the past because I have old friends. But I have clearly lost it. Just worked out that my "newest" proper friend is someone I met in 2004!

Have met lots of nice and interesting people since, but clearly none that found me nice & intetesting enough to stick around once our common interest/activity ended.

Look at local classes in your area. Unfortunately there aren't so many nowadays and they seem to be in cookery, sewing etc. which is fine but there used to be a choice. It is worth looking though. Even if you don't make friends, you are with people and doing something interesting.

I've just joined my local WI which is having it's inaugural meeting next month. They meet monthly usually in the evening to meet the needs of women like yourself who work (they do have daytime meetings to)
I am an only child but do have adult children and yes it can be hard but once you've done it it will give you confidence to try other things x

What a great thread this is. It is so full of hope and positivity. I have a few long distance friends who I see very seldomly now but keep in contact by Christmas card e mail and what's app. I find it difficult to join a group as I am now profoundly deaf and unable to join in a conversation. I can only converse on a one to one basis face to face. However I do have an old school friend who lives a short walk away from me and we meet for coffee etc. I also belong to the U3A and go on outings with them. My best friend and companion is my dear husband. We have our own interests but jog along together well.