Lack of friends

CaroleAnne, what a lovely tribute to your husband.

Meet Up is a great way to make new friends, it won't happen overnight you have to get yourself out there....so many lonely ppl it's very sad sending love to you all

Would picking up the phone and talking with an ‘old’ friend help? Over time you’d reconnect and be able to share and care?

I know exactly how you feel, my life has changed since I became unwell and had to leave work. I was very work focused and most of the people I knew were connected with my job. I have throughout my life faced challenges that most people have little understanding so I keep to myself. I am married but my husband works permanent nights and sleeps during the day so spend a lot of time alone. I often prefer my own company but would like to meet people, but I can never really be me so don't think a real friendship is possible now I am 56.

This seems to have happened to me, I have had several serious illnesses in the last few years which have made it very difficult to meet up with people or make regular commitments to voluntary work and so on, and I've gone from knowing loads of people locally to having hardly any friends. I've been feeling very lonely. I know lots of people online, which is lovely, but it's not the same.

I've just started to get to know people through joining a new church. It's still quite hard for me to join in things because I have chronic fatigue, but people are making an effort to get to know me, because it's a friendly church.

I'm a bit like gillybob married Young had kids stayed at home and realising I've lived my life around my kids got part time job then moved on , I work in mainly in young people environment ( nursery) so any friends I've made have been previous job but only now realising how lonely I'm feeling away from work.

To get our first council house we are expected to stay put. That way our friends may also live nearby.

But since such homes were restricted to the neediest families (except for the occasional union boss and other players of the system) we have no option but to move to where the work is.

Unsurprisingly we lose touch with our friends as a consequence of our housing and economic policies.

Still we have many needy people hanging on to their friends (but not their livelihoods) in London and other expensive cities. They refuse to find work where they can afford to live and it seems that we are on the hook to maintain their friendships.

Many of us pay premium prices for new homes so 1 in 10 new homes can be built for needy families also far from their friends.

We have been making ourselves friendless for decades and I see no politicians planning to change housing and economic policies to help us to sustain our friendships.

Brexit won’t help either.

I am 80 and only have one friend that I met through work years ago- we usually meet once a fortnight.
My husband still lives with me and one daughter and family live locally.
When I left work I volunteered at a charity shop and was there for 25 years until I had to leave last year due to a period off ill health.
I do go to a Move it or lose class once a week where there is a nice crowd of women all very friendly but not likely to become good friends.
However that does not bother me - I am quite happy with my own company and having family close by if needed

So many comments here and I haven’t read them all but the one about acquaintances versus friends....well, isn’t that how friends come about? It’s a slow process. I was very ill a few years back. Some of my ‘friends’ didn’t want to know really...my illness went on too long for them I think. I needed to make new friends so as soon as I could, I joined some groups for things I was really interested in. I made myself be sociable and was always open to extra sociable things after the activities...coffee...lunch etc. Slowly I started to resonate with some others and have a few new friends now. They’re not the same as long standing friends of many years Ut I totally value them and enjoy their company. So slowly does it...be open to opportunities and reach out gently to others...we are all in the same boat really.

You could join a gym older ladies tend to do aquaerobics, Rock choir or other singing groups, any other hobbly you do.
My ex partner was a miserable so and so who didn't want to go out so you don't keep up with friends the same, but you could contact old friends.
It is not easy to male friends but keep smiling and it will happen.
I can't understand the reasoning behind the opinions of younger people in that if we are older we will get on with other older people, they don't change just because yhey are older.

Could you maybe join a local gym/swimming group/walking group. I`m like you don`t have any friends but now at least I can talk to people at my aqua aerobic classes.

I have a small number of friends who I met at a sewing group which meets once a month. I've always been rather shy and don't 'initiate' further meetings for fear of failure. I'm a twin and we were expected to be best friends with each other although we are chalk and cheese - we see each other twice a week. Being a childless widow doesn't help. I do feel a bit lonely sometimes and try to keep busy. which helps. I'm better off than some but could do better.

So many of us feel somewhat lonely. It doesn’t help if husband is somewhat anti social. Have good friends miles away but am lucky to see them once a year. Doesn’t help as not over mobile. Can’t find a meet-up in this area. Surrey/North Hants area. So many of us out there.

@Vauxhall58

Social media and on-line including this site is not - making friends unless - you meet up for real -

Try joining a real life group where you go out of the house like for eg. -
dancersize - line dancing - walking group

or just go to bingo or the church hall or a drama group or college course - anything but - online

Hope you do it and do it soon - post back when you do

I have that problem Fern. Have posted about it before:

My hubby is a home body who doesnt miss having friends.

He is likable and makes friends easily but he just does not make any effort to keep them. He is content as he is.

I am wildly jelous of friends who inherited a whole second social circle when they married but not me! The only visitors in our home are ones I invite.

I resent it a little sometimes, which isnt fair on him really...

Have you thought of joining an organisation called U3A - it is predominantly for retired people, as most of the activities take place during the working day - but, should your working hours be part time, evenings or mornings, then it might be something you could consider. Look it up online.

*@Grampie
What has Brexit got to do with it *

@Grampie

think you posted on the wrong thread entirely

Two things. Firstly don't be so keen to make friends that you make the wrong ones. This has happened to me in the past and I've found myself stuck with people I don't really like but who have hung on to me. Secondly, I found a friend by joining a group where we had similar interests. Now she and I often go out visiting NT properties, on walks etc which is what we both like doing. You only need one good friend really and I hope you find one. My friend's advice to me was "If you want to keep a friend, you must BE a friend".

(Suppose you cant win really though: my friends who have very sociable DHs have a whole other set of problems lol)

Hello Vauxhall58 I was in a similar situation to you before I retired, working full time in a job where I was sole employee. Please dont give up hope because three years later I have many very friendly acquaintances and one good friend. Partly it has helped to have the time to meet and talk to people and really prioritise social contacts. I joined a Yoga class and decided I was always going to have coffee with class members and never skip that part of the morning. I dont let myself rush off from the gym without chatting to some other members. I volunteer at the hospital and talk to all the other volunteers. The more people you know the more chance you have of converting one of them to a real friend. However I dont find my real friend, or indeed other friends I have had in the past, have necessarily 'been there for me'. Its a two way relationship. Sometimes my friend can help and sometimes she cant because of things going on in her own life. I think its important not to feel rejected when someone turns down an invite or doesnt want to chat. Its just as much about how good a friend you are prepared to be to the other person as it about what they can give to you. It also takes quite a lot of time, and in the past I have found instant friends are frequently short lived, so its good to take it slow and not push things too far too fast. Good luck and I really hope something works out for you. Please dont give up!

Notanan2. What you have just written are my words exactly. He doesn’t need people. I don’t think he likes the idea of me having friends much.

I joined a local choir that a great way to meet more people and do events for charity. You dont have to sing perfect as there are different levels if voice. It fun we have a giggle and you feel better after the class.

I still have a core group of friends I’ve known since we started senior school. I think it’s quite unusual. I do have other friends too, though not a large circle. I think it’s more difficult to make friends as we get older.

I have to agree with you, notanan2! You can be most alone in a crowd! I find it enjoyable listening to other different opinions and other people's lives, but it's hard to find someone who really listens and tries to know me! That's what I like about this site. All you women are really hearing what is being said and felt and trying to help!