Not saying ‘no’ to children.

I agree, for their own sakes
I’d love to be saying yes, yes yes to every little request from my lovely grandchildren, yes, you can have what you like from the toy shop, yes you can have chocolate for lunch, of course you can stay up till midnight watching ‘Zog’ for the hundredth time!
But after a while, they wouldn’t like it any more than I would

I used to try to use the positive rather than the negative unless necessary, but by the time the youngest was a young teenager I did have to ask, on more than one occasion, which part of 'NO' she didn't understand.

I think toddlers understand No if it used sparingly and not routinely.

Meh!

Far too much angst. My kids knew where they stood.,no meant no and used for a bloody good reason.,

Lots of yes too cuddles and love. It’s a balance and we don’t need to agonise.

In my view you can always tell the kids who havnt been told no.

They run riot.

Don't we all HAVE to experience the word 'No' on occasions in life and have to accept it?
No Entry, No Parking, No Right Turn etc. all feature in our lives frequently and we don't need the positive bit following surely?
(Said very tongue in cheek as I join you all already behind the sofa!)

A few "No"s are surely OK as long as you also have proper conversations with the child as well, exchanging ideas and making up stories and explaining things to them, all on their level. Then the proportion of "no" to everything else that is said will dwindle into insignificance.

Grammaretto - I so agree with your sentiments about the current craze of parents asking their babies/toddlers/ver young children to make decisions. I personally think it is quite cruel.
When I ran a children gymnastic club with a large number of pre-school classes, I used to squirm when a parent would tell me that they would ask little 3-year old Johnny if he wanted to continue coming. Surely, small (and not so small) children want the adults to be in charge of their world and to make decisions for them!!!
3/4 year olds push the boundaries (and this is repeated again in the teen years), but this pushing is so they can determine where the boundaries are - and all ages really do need to know (and want to know) that those boundaries do exist.
Nothing wrong with saying 'No', as long as reason is then given - part of those boundaries.
Think too much modern parenting is trying to put old heads on young and very young shoulders.

It seems I didn’t word my post properly. Not for a minute did I suggest giving a child everything they ask for, or that not saying ‘no’ would turn them into wee horrors, who will expect everyone to dance to their tune! Of course they’ll learn that ‘no’ means no , but I simply meant that there are probably lots of times when “ Yes, but not just now” or “ Yes, we can do that another time” would be a better way of dealing with requests, as it would avoid use of negative language all the time.
Also, when I said a child would learn to ‘ trust’ an adult, I meant that they would learn that if you said they could do something later, they would be able to do it.

I agree with Franbern, I have taken my grandchildren to gymnastics clubs, and despair at some of the parenting I’ve seen, I don’t know how you can stand it!
Parents constantly interfere, withdrawing their children from bits they don’t like, asking if their children can do something different, because they’re not in the mood, for what the others are doing
I’ve done it with three of my grandchildren, but I’m retiring from it I’ve decided, can’t stand to do it with the next one!

I agree with Day6. Imagine working in an office & the person says he wants a break. The boss turns round & says you can have a break & a biscuit after you finish those last three reports. I don't think so.

IMHO this is not preparing the children for the 'real' world.

As a former teacher, I've experienced the results of children being over-indulged and entitled. In a classroom situation, it is just not feasible to explain every instruction; children just need to do as they are asked if any learning is to take place. The ones who are brought up to question everything use up the learning time of others. That's not to say that there isn't a place for challenging and questioning the status quo; indeed often that should be what learning is about but on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute basis, children need to be able to accept the authority of adults.

So, Mamar2, do you think we ought to treat wee children as their boss in an office would to prepare them for the ‘ real world’?

And Graycat, as I said previously, I’m not saying always give them what they want, and I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to explain every instruction, simply to use a more positive answer when possible, rather than a flat ‘no’, that’s all. It was just somthing I thought might be interesting to think about and discuss.

Hi Day 6

Just writing to say that I absolutely stand with you in re enforcing the word “No” to little children.
My view is that I see too many parents offering choices and negotiating and ultimately passing control to the child instead of the parent leading the child. Perhaps I’m out of touch with child rearing but it does seem to have become more child-centric from what I can determine.

Anyhow, just really want to say I admire your eloquent and point of view on this subject.

Rosie

'No' is said firmly by me when the 1 year old we are caring for grabs my hair in her strong little hands to help her mountain climb up me

Reading the fostering memoires it tends to be advised that you give a child two alternatives, both of which the carer can allow, and ask the child "would you like to x or y?" Child feels they've had a say and pride is maintained.

Marmar wrote
IMHO this is not preparing the children for the 'real' world.
ie never saying 'no'.
I agree, on the other hand to say no to some request , then suggest the child thinks of some other way to get what it is they want does prepare them for the adult world.
Or even, with an older child, to reconsider, give reasons for their 'want' or 'need'.

I didn't really say no to my child, it was always "perhaps later", which was fine and she didn't ask again later regardless.
Until one day I asked her to tidy her room and she said "perhaps later". Rod.. Own back...
I'm a firm believer in whatever works for you and your child, it doesn't have to be an inherently negative word! Some children understand "no" and don't create a fuss, others may need redirection or more 'positive' ways of saying no.

Supernanny deals with quite naughty children who've had the run of their homes for a long time, does she not? I imagine "no" is the only language that may get through to the more unruly children on that show! She's good, mind, I do like that show.

I fell into the same trap with one of my children, I used to say, would you like to brush your teeth? Get dressed? Tidy up? Until she politely started replying, No Thankyou!

Just remembered when our children were small and would ask for something. We often replied “maybe later”. They soon learnt that “later” mostly didn’t happen and would answer back “you really mean No”. I think they preferred us to say no to start with.

What is wrong with saying the word”no.”?
I would agree that it is better if one can tell a child why the answer is” no”
I might have misunderstood but do you give Courses about this ,Daddima?
I agree with what Farmor15 wrote.
I think a child would prefer a definite answer .

Parents should make it quite clear what is not acceptable and No should mean no. However, only use it when necessary and then stick to it until a child is old enough to reason and change your mind. A child with no rules is not a happy child. Better to work with praise but that isn't always appropriate

We seem to be becoming unable to say no and if something goes wrong it must be someone else's fault. I heard on a consumer programme a young person went to uni and signed up for a year's rent. They then dropped out and the parent was complaining that they were still being expected to pay the rent. I think the young person should have been taught that if you sign a contract you are committed to it. I know this isn't strictly what the OP means but I think it is the result of not saying no when appropriate.

Oh, dear, I feel like a grumpy old woman reading this.

Of course we need to consider whether instead of saying no we could rephrase things, but it all depends on how old the child is, and what he or she is attempting.

A very small child needs to know when and what not to do, but isn't necessarily able to understand the concept of harming himself by running out into the street, or playing with matches.

As they grow older they can understand explanations and should be given them, but they need to realise that as mcem said they can't always do as they want.

Lancslass, I spent a while in early years, then 8 years delivering Positive Parenting courses. It’s an excellent programme, but so many parents sign up ( or are ‘ encouraged’ to do so by social services, then don’t practise the strategies, and say that the course didn’t work.
Have a look at ‘ Driving Mum and Dad Mad’ on You Tube, some really challenging behaviour there!

I was in a queue a while ago, in front of a young mum (on her mobile, of course, who kept telling her young son ‘Don’t do that’, ‘Don’t touch that’ etc. Suddenly the little boy said ‘Please mum, what CAN I do?’.

Yes, indeed - the 'no no no no no...'. followed eventually by a weary, 'Oh, go on then,' - after the child has howled or yelled for 10 or 20 minutes, is the worst. I had a friend who did it a lot - it drove me mad, especially given the child's triumphant beam when the usual strategy had worked yet again!
Also saw it with a particular mother where I worked. TBH I wanted to shake her and tell her to grow a backbone! Her kids knew exactly how to 'play' her every time.

I also have a very strong willed 3 year old grandson.
And I find it very difficult not to say the word No.

On the other hand, my Dd thinks reasoning with him is the way to go. I can see her point of view but it’sbb sometimes difficult to reason with a 3 year old. Trouble is, I’m an older granny and can’t quite get my head around this softer style of parenting.

I suppose consistency should be the main objective.