Age gap

In the absence of a sensitive lover, a simple vibrator does help.

Violette, so sorry for your loss

Time to start working on your OH. Get him moving - walking maybe swimming. point out to him that he needs to change unless he wants to be a vegetable for the rest of his life. Does he like music or the theatre - drag him out. He's not too old to try Viagra - unless he has a bad heart. He might likethis idea - you don't know unless you ask. Tell him he's still attractive = ok white lies allowed. Point out if you want. This is your life - its not a dree rehearsal. Good luck.

I understand how you feel- I am 80 and my husband is 86 and while I still feel fairly fit and active my husband is not. He is obviously feeling his age and is very slow, everything seems to be SNAIL pace which I find hard
We have always done everything together but for the past few years he has refused to go anywhere in the evening.
We have always gone on cruises together but he now says if I want to go on holiday I will have to go without him!!

However he has been a lovely husband and father so I just have to accept things and think of the good times we have had

So sorry to hear about your husband Violette

Have you talked to your Dr about your low mood Jeannie You may need some help with that. You are making a life for yourself so enjoy that and encourage your husband to join in from time to time.
As regards your sex life, I think your situation is the same as it is for those couples who can not have a full sex life due to illness. There are ways around this, vibrators have been suggested and you can still have cuddles etc. We have to adapt sometimes to accommodate our partners.

Find someone younger.
You only get one life and, reading your post, it seems thst you have no life at all with your husband.
My OH is 22 years younger. It's worth it.

thst that

A lot depends on outlook rather than age. My DH id 70 and considers himself old I am 67 and definately do not consider myself old. He is happy to sit and watch tv or his computer and considers other people a pain in the backside who just pass on their colds etc. I go out for coffee with friends, go to visit our children and grandchildren in Cornwall every school holidays and sit in another room and knit or crochet (he doesn't like me doing my craft in the same room as him as my constant hand movements are distracting ???). He is quite happy for me to do my own thing as long as I organise his meals so he can just microwave them. We've been married 47 years and just rub along doing our own thing.

I’m not in the same I would suggest joining Rock Choir. Even if you think you can’t sing go along for a taster. Go on to Rockchoir.com & check for your nearest group. It’s more than a choir, it’s like a family. I have made so many friends & been to so many social events. Best thing I’ve ever done.

You remind me of one of my friends - her husband is 15 years older than her and, since retirement, has basically been in a slump and refuses to get out of it. She's tried tears, cajoling, threats, ignoring him, etc. but all to no avail. In the end, she had counselling which made her realise that, despite her frustrations, she does love him (or rather, that she is not so unhappy as to lose him) so she came up with a plan. She got them a little dog (which doesn't need much exercise and loves lying on his lap), and she travels all over the world - either with friends (she has 2 friends who are both widowed) or to visit her family (they are scattered around 4 different countries). She is hardly ever home and I suspect "plays away" in more ways than one when she is abroad (she has hinted but I've never asked). BTW he seems fine with it - he has the company of his dog and can be at home most of the time, which is what he wants. So, my suggestion is to get yourself some counselling - someone who has no Agenda for you, but can tease things apart and work out what's really going on, and what is best for you (and put together a plan). Sometimes we really can't do it for ourselves.

Jeannie59.... you married a man older than yourself so in a way, you expected what has happened , to happen. No comfort to you now , I know that! I married a man just 4 years older than me ..... but the last time I had to take him to the hospital after yet another fall in the house, we were waiting in A&E , and the nursing staff and doctor he saw addressed me as his daughter. Your father this and your father that!! I put them straight of course, but it didn’t stop each new person we encountered in that visit addressing him as my father. He pretended not to be upset by it but he was. I know because of exercise and watching my diet I have worn better than a lot my age, but he didn’t see it like that. He tells me he hates that I’m not ageing alongside of him. He refuses any of my overtones to help him improve his health , his posture, his overall fitness levels which he throws back in my face. My husband likes being old and doesn’t like that I’m not right there alongside him.... in my carpet slippers.... my elasticated skirts....and my cardies. Your problems are same as mine.... my hubby won’t walk up street with me... won’t go out for lunch or even just coffee... haven’t been away together for twelve years.... he says it’s because people mistake me for his daughter!! Not that I look younger but he’s 72 and looks 90. He shuffles about , hunched shouldered, won’t socialize, hates people in the house, he just wants us both to rot inside until we die. I think men do this more than women. I refuse the way of death that he’s laid out for me and he resents me for it. I do my own thing and leave him to stew.... you must do the same.

Things could be so much worse. My lovely husband is only 18 months older than me but was partially paralysed in a road accident when he was 33, so basically I've been his main carer since then. You have a job and a bit of a social life even if it is restricted. Many people don't have these and judging by the number of people on GN whose partners have died I feel you have a lot. I don't mean to come over as unsympathetic, but think of your husband. As another poster said 'the grass is not always greener'. Try to count your blessings and not what you don't have.

I agree with everything that has been said about getting on with your own life via activities, outings and visiting friends and relatives. Encourage him to join you by explaining you would like his company and join mixed couples activities. Tell him if he won’t come then you will go alone but explain the future path he’s on, being home alone and separate lives. If he’s willing, take him to see his GP about viagra and kick start dating again. Again if he’s not willing I’d second previous suggestions to play away. There’s plenty of websites out there just for mutually attention/sex-deprived adults with no strings attached, and it’s great to get paid attention again, plus a little excitement in an ordinary day never hurt anyone. You only have one life so decide to grab it with both hands and make it how you want it. Live before you die!

I wonder if posters who advocate having an affair would feel the same way if the situation was reversed.
Would we cheat on our partner because of illness or disability ? Maybe so .

Hi, you’re not alone. My dh is 11 years older 60/71 it makes more of a difference now then years ago. I think the answer is too have your own “adventures” I go away with friends/ alone once or twice a year, and with my husband a couple of times a year. This allows me not to feel I’m missing out and makes me appreciate him. We both do our own thing a lot of the time but it works for us. If you don’t want to leave then work on making the best of the situation. You don’t sound very happy, I would suggest getting yourself in a better place before making any serious decisions. Good luck. !

An affair...... no. It can sometimes cause more discontent and heartache than it’s worth.

My husband is 18 years older than I am but was youthful and very fit until the stroke four years ago. Now 82, he needs a lot of help and I am his carer. He is forgetful and short-tempered, personality changes that I find difficult to cope with, but that's life. We had a great time for nearly 40 years and I feel lucky to have the support of our children and their spouses (and even their in-laws) and the joy of our grandchildren.

That doesn't mean that I don't often feel crushed by the situation, though.

Hmmm who doesnt crave for intimacy thats where shes lacking.
Thats why some people have open marriges.I feel for you only you can sort it out when we marry older partners we must expect this to happen
Viagra or whats its name has been found to be of benefit for lots of couples
Could suggest some other things instead of a relationship
A vibrator that sort of thing hope noone takes offence

Long term marriages are not easy because we all change over the years .priorities change our needs change the attraction we first felt for our partners change. We are not the same as we were when we married.. My husband was diagnosed with MS 20 years ago , he is not the man I married ... but prior to MS he looked after me . he cared for me , he loved me and I am not going to throw that all back in his face... If the tables were turned I would want the same as I'm giving my disabled husband ... It's not easy , it is a sacrifice but just ask yourself in their situation what would you want ?

My husband is 14 years younger than me, I am 77 and he is 63. We married 36 years ago and had our ups and downs like most couples. My hubby doesn’t go on holiday now, he used to go, so I visit my children when I need a break. My problem is, I can’t walk as fast as him now and I hate having to make him slow down! This is my second marriage and his first, we met 9 months before we married. Everyone thought I was mad but it’s worked.

Jeannie my heart goes out to you I have had periods of great loneliness in my life and it really eats you up. Your heart actually does ache and its horrible. Would you feel happy going on holidays without your husband, but with a group, or would he resent that? I have left OH at home (his choice) had some really lovely holidays with Exodus, Andante Travel, Ramblers and HF and usually about half the group are in couples and half travelling solo. I have met some lovely people and had lots of fun. You sound as if you could use some fun and laughter and time away from your situation. Visiting your daughters perhaps would be another option, with or without your husband, if he goes as well there would be other people to talk to and not just the two of you. What about volunteering? Its a really good way to meet people and the do-it web site lists local opportunities if you put in your post code. I just feel you need to crack on with your life and if your husband wants to join in then its fine and if he doesnt well maybe he is happy with his home comforts. I dont feel just because you are married there is some obligation on you to keep the other half entertained, particularly not if its making you so unhappy. DH and I have very full lives and most weeks only 'meet up' for our Saturday night long evening meal and Sunday lunch. We chat away with great animation largely because we have spent the rest of the week doing entirely different things, so there is a lot to talk about.

You can buy Viagra at a pharmacy or on line if he wants to give it a go. Try to encourage him to get out and fitter. If not - you need to have a life.

It's springtime and everything is regenerated and fresh and green and the flowers are coming into bloom, the rose trees are full of buds and everything in the garden is lovely. The birds are feeding young which are fledging and the sun is shining longer than usual and we just feel that we are being left out of all the newness of life around us. Don't try to compete with it. Sit back and look at the life around you. Take an interest in life because it is so short. My late husband was 20 years older than me and I knew that I could not have him all my life but I still miss him. When I was suddenly disabled we were really both the same and we helped one another. I miss him so much.

My husband is 60 this year I am 45 a 15 year age gap. He doesn't have many friends and works with very few people, I on the other hand work with a lot of people and often get invited out to social engagements. On saying that we always ensure that we go out one/two nights a week together and have some us time.