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Age gap

(51 Posts)
Jeannie59 Mon 27-May-19 20:45:42

I have posted something similar before on here. But just feel I need to understand why I feel like I do
My husband is 79 in September and I am 63. Both my daughters live in U.S and OZ with my 4 grandchildren
I am feeling very lonely, I do go to the gym and do ballroom dancing and yoga. We both don't have a very good social life with other couples, but I tend to socialise on my own as my husband has no friends.
I work just 15 hours per week, so unless I keep myself busy outside of the house ie shopping or gym, I am at home with him 24/7 and get so fidgety, as I am bored
There is only so much conversation you can have
We went on a months cruise and it was the same, except we saw a lot of lovely places
I appreciate that I married a man 21 years ago, 15 years older than me and now I can feel the difference catching up.
There has been no intimacy between us for over 3 years and I am afraid to say, I miss sex so much. We are more like friends than husband and wife.
I can't explain to my daughters how I feel, as they live abroad.
I feel so unhappy, that sometimes my heart aches and I could just burst out crying

annsixty Mon 27-May-19 21:00:44

There was only 15 months between my H and I so
I dont feel how you feel, however about 2 years ago
I was waiting in the dentist for my H who was having treatment,.
A woman came in early and struck up a conversation with me.
She was a stranger but obviously felt the need to offload to someone, her story was just the same as yours . H was about 13 years older than her but had no interest in socialising and she was very bored anf frustrated, she felt life was slipping away from her.
I understood just what she was saying as she was so genuine.
I can't help you but feel for you.

crazyH Mon 27-May-19 21:13:11

Many of my married friends are at least 10 years younger than their husbands .....they have long, happy , successful marriages. There was only 3 years difference between my EX husband and myself.. ...what does that say? It's not the age, it's the compatibility.
Jeannie, I'm sorry that you are so unhappy. Only you can decide on what constitutes happiness. I wish you luck.....

stella1949 Mon 27-May-19 21:19:26

I've got a similar age gap - I'm 70 and he is 81. Luckily he is very healthy and doesn't have any problems with mobility, etc. So we can still go out together and we enjoy the same things. And since neither of us is sociable , we just mooch around together.

I do miss the sex side of things - we haven't'had sex for 8 years since he had a brain tumour which knocked out his hormones completely. This also made him rather feminine in his personality traits - so instead of saying we're like brother and sister, we're more like two sisters. I get a cuddle occasionally but most times he just doesn't think of it.

I'm just glad I've got him - he is a lovely man and doesn't have a bad bone in his body so I'm grateful for that.

I don't have any solutions for you - I wish I did. I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it.

Tangerine Mon 27-May-19 23:03:15

Would your husband go to the cinema or theatre with you?

Is he willing to go out for the day with you?

If he would do these things occasionally, it might be easier for you.

I suppose a lot also depends on how he treats you generally.

rosecarmel Tue 28-May-19 01:20:23

I think everyone at some time or another in their lives thinks the grass is greener for other people and that they are missing out on something- And quite possibly sometimes they are but frequently I think it's due to losing sight of one thing or another even though right under their nose ..

Sometimes getting whatever is bothering you completely off your chest can cure that feeling of being "stuck" .. like talking to anyone you can trust completely and lay it all out there without feeling embarrassed or ashamed ..

Esther1 Tue 28-May-19 07:55:51

My husband is a few years older than me. He has always been forgetful, but is getting so much worse I have gradually taken over everything from finances to practical jobs. What I will say is that he is, and always has been, kind and cheerful. However it really is like having an amiable 10 year old with me all the time, to take out and tell him what we’re doing and why. I have just got used to it - to all but our close friends and family he is just a perfectly normal pleasant man. Thank goodness I have my adult children close by to support me and their Dad.

BradfordLass72 Tue 28-May-19 08:20:02

I wonder what you really want? Not just from the posters here, but from life.

Are you thinking perhaps that you'd like to have an affaire?
Could you do that, given the chance, without feeling guilty?

If so, I for one, would encourage you. Life is too short for stuffy moral posturing at our age.

If this is far from your mind, I apologise but when a woman longs for sex, her thoughts turn to pastures new as it were and I see nothing wrong in that.

So what can you do to improve your life that you haven't already tried? I'm assuming asking your DH to go out with you falls on deaf ears and I cannot honestly see that, as suddenly making you whoop with joy anyway.

Ballroom dancing and the gym are all right I guess but very limiting socially, unless there are a number of available men as partners who may fulfill a little more need than a quick Foxtrot or cha-cha. smile

Perhaps you need to look at other social clubs; night classes; quiz groups - whatever is available and takes your fancy.

Do some research but first of all, think hard about what you want and can change and then put it into action. grin


BlueBelle Tue 28-May-19 08:28:11

You already go to ballroom dancing gym and yoga meet up with friends and work 15 hours a week but you say you are with him 24/7 So I think there’s a bit of a different reason you are not admitting to and that is you no longer love your husband and he has become a bit of a stone round your neck you can’t imagine the next ten or so years like this
A very sad story for him as well as you I don’t expect he’s very happy either
What’s the answer I ve no idea of anything to offer you in the way of advice but you have to be truthful with yourself as to what you want or don’t want in these later years

Just remember you could have married a young man who became incapacitated or unable to fulfill your sex life it’s not really about him being old but about the depth of your love for him

gillybob Tue 28-May-19 08:42:41

Almost an 11 year age gap for us. I’m 57 and he’s almost 68. The biggest problem for us is that we planned to retire together when I was 60 and he 71 but that is sadly out of the window as I cannot retire until 67 and 4 months. There is no way on earth he could work as he is doing until 78. I am sad and angry to think we probably won’t enjoy any sort of retirement together.

Eglantine21 Tue 28-May-19 08:52:57

Jeannie, I think you sound as if you’re bored with your whole life, not just your DH.

Take a risk. Throw in the job. Book a plane ticket to OZ, see the family and then take off around the country. It’s fabulous. Have an adventure!

I speak as one who did😎

annsixty Tue 28-May-19 09:27:52

I have a friend of 78 married for the second time to a man who is now 85, 86 in July and he is the "goer".
They are just back from a Baltic cruise, their second this year, have a cruise round the Canary islands booked and when I saw her last week, he was in a strop because she won't agree to flying to Sydney, three days there, two weeks cruising around Australia, back to Sydney for two days and then flying back.
It is not always the man who doesn't want to do things.

SisterAct Tue 28-May-19 09:29:03

My aunt was in the same position as you, with a 20yr age gap. She talked to my mum about a male friend, but, decided not to take it further because she would have hated it the other way round. She chose to look at the positives, go out everyday, learnt how to facetime her grandchildren in America and make the most of her life. This is not to say she didn't have her down days but she talked it through. I hope you feel better for sharing it.

When I married my husband who is just over 11 years older she talked to me about planning doing things together and separately. As you Gillybob we are 57 and 68. DH retired at 67. I am now being made redundant in August. Fortunately I can take my work pension with some financial loss but feel for you.

bikergran Tue 28-May-19 09:35:00

I can under stand your feelings. You feel trapped maybe be that you dh has less energy enthusiasm and there s you wanting a bit more adventure as your younger.

I think that's natural with the age gap.

My dh was 20 yrs older I was around 19 when we met he was 39 (gosh seems like yesterday)

Yes they were niggles ill health.sulks.moods etc as he got older. But I stuck to my vows.

He was 79 when he died, I was 59 thats was almost 5 years ago and yes there were times when I thought Oh there must be more to life than this.(when he was in a sulky mood etc etc ) But illness makes us act different.

But... I would have him back this instance! and I would do it all again.I really think its very true...that you don't realise how much you love a person until they are gone and that it is a long and painful journey once they have gone for ever.
I hope you do find a solution that makes you both happy.

ditzyme Tue 28-May-19 09:39:13

Well, assuming you can afford it and your husband can take care of himself, I agree with Eglantine21. I also agree, with what BradfordLass says - I'm from Bradford and believe in straight talking as she does by the looks of it. And just because your daughters live abroad why does that mean you can't talk to them? You really do need to be honest with yourself, write down the pros and cons of the marriage, what you really really want out of it, out of life really. Do you want to stay with him, or leave? And whichever the answer, why? Join an online site for friendships only.
You feel unhappy, lonely and bored...maybe a talk with a counsellor might help to find out why exactly, maybe there's more to it than feeling dissatisfied with your husband and life with him?

antheacarol55 Tue 28-May-19 10:01:00

I don’t feel the age gap is the issue here .
People that married of the same age do have the same issue that you have .
Maybe you have just grown apart it happens ,take a long hard look at your life and see if you can carry on this way .
If not leave you have one life live it

Coconut Tue 28-May-19 10:02:14

Even if your ages were similar, sometimes couples just drift apart. If I was you I’d be talking to my husband 1st and voicing my inner feelings, maybe he feels the same ? Maybe he is totally unaware how unhappy you are ? Once it’s out in the open it can make or break but it’d be so wrong just to drift along unhappily. Good luck ...

Chocolatenoodle8 Tue 28-May-19 10:17:17

You said you have daughters and grandchildren in USA and Australia? Why not go and visit them? Am assuming money is not a problem. Am sure your daughters and grandchildren would welcome you! Stay for three weeks (we do when we visit daughter in Canada). Visit your daughters on your own. Your husband will, most likely, not want to go with you anyway. Think of the fun you’ll have planning your trip; researching currency rates; buying gifts for your grandchildren; going on-line to complete and ESTA + whatever document Australia requires. FT both your daughters today and start making arrangements!

jaylucy Tue 28-May-19 10:18:51

Having no friends is something I have noticed that affects many men after they have retired. If they don't follow a sport, or go in pubs and have never socialised with their work colleagues they seem stuck! I saw that with my father in his later years when many of his friends he grew up with had passed away and ex workmates had moved to the other end of the country. Due to his increasing infirmity he used to get very depressed. Thankfully one of my aunts along with a friend of my mum's used to pop in at least once a week for a cuppa and a chat - I think it helped them as well as they were both widows and it gave all 3 a chance to talk about "old times".
Is your DH happy not going out and sitting on his own? Is there no way that he'd join a snooker club or something(if nearby) or even do some volunteering if he is well enough?
I think you need to find an interest that will give you an actual social life - both things you do are often the type of thing where people go, then pack up and go straight home - or have you never asked any of them to meet up for a coffee outside the classes? Look into volunteering yourself - there is such a range from helping out in your nearest hospital to walking dogs, to working in a charity shop.
Can't see any reason, if possible why you shouldn't visit your daughters on your own. Basically you really need to form a separate life that runs alongside your husband's as many couples do quite successfully

Legs55 Tue 28-May-19 10:20:24

My DH was 14 years older than me, I was lucky that when he retired at 65 I was able to take Early Retirement at 50, he suffered from depression at times which was difficult as he wouldn't leave the house.

I am glad I had 7 years with him after retirement, mostly good. I was widowed at 57. I'm with Bikergran I'd have him back in a heartbeat. We had lots of shared interests & didn't socialise much as we preferred home & family.

Since being widowed I've moved, made new friends & joined a couple of Meet Up groups.

I agree with others, you need to look at what you want out of life, Talk to your DH & your family, perhaps a visit to US or Oz would be a good idea. Age is but a number, health problems can be more limiting

Barmeyoldbat Tue 28-May-19 10:23:54

You have a lot going on in your life and contact with people outside your home so I don't think the problem lies with your husband but with you. If its sex you are missing get a vibrator, maybe that will make you feel happier. Sorry to sound so harsh.

Skyelark Tue 28-May-19 10:26:05

Jeannie, I think you need to have a long hard look at your life, and your prospects for the future. Think about taking up something new, that you are really interested in, and that will stop the boredom. Is there a U3A locally? If so, contact them and see what groups they have and join a couple. If not, are there language courses you could join? It’s a wonderful way to make friends, U3A was a lifesaver for me.

Your husband is likely to die long before you (sorry, but that’s nature), and your new friends will be a great support to you when it happens. Youeon’t Be left with such a gaping hole in your life.

Just my thoughts, ignore me if the suggestions are not of interest to you.

Craftycat Tue 28-May-19 10:46:34

It is the same if the the difference is the other way round too. I am nearly 13 years older than my husband but you would think he was the older one. He has no real friends- only the men from couples we both know. He doesn't want to do anything & sex went a long time ago which I really miss.
He is still working but when he retires I dread the long days.
I have a good social life but he just doesn't want to 'bother'.
To be fair he is Bi-Polar so does have his problems anyway but it is hard times.

Julieann51 Tue 28-May-19 10:49:48

Hi Jeanne I don't usually have the courage to reply but I feel I must. There is an 11 Yr age gap in my marriage I'm 52 and my husband is 41 so the other way round but I feel the same as you in some way. My husband is disabled with mobility problems and doesn't work. I've not worked for years due to my ill mental health. I feel life is slipping away from me so quickly and I so want more from life but feel stuck. I love my husband and would never leave him but we are more like best friends. This is the life I chosen and I have to make the most of it.
I'm getting into volunteering it's very rewarding.
Have you tried talking to your OH or does it fall on deaf ears?
Life is too short for regrets make a plan of what you want for the rest of your life. X

VIOLETTE Tue 28-May-19 10:55:01

Sad husband was also 15 years older than me, his late wife having died and he being lonely, and me wanting to live in Spain (where he lived when I met him (he was English)...we had some lovely years together until Parkinsons took over and he became aggressive and nasty ...he died last week BUT I have a lot of friends who sadly lost their husbands early ...3 in their 40's, one at 60 just as he was about the retire, and others at various ages younger than my husband (86) so there is no guarantee if you marry someone younger that they will still be around longer than you ! For the last few years before his illness, my husband was always busy with DIY, swimming, gardening, etc and too busy to go out or on holiday, so I went on holiday on my own ...loved it ! hired my own car, visited lots of places and enjoyed myself whilst he preferred the DIY etc...….so get out there, join something you like, take a holiday (go visit your children perhaps) he will (probably !) still be there when you get back …..and, if you think of leaving, make sure you are financially secure before you do ………...good luck flowers