Interviews with famous people/politicians and diary extracts, not entirely serious! [smile]

Found somewhere in Kensington
Woke up. Wondered who the hell is this beside me???List of names whirled in my head and I picked one.... Got it right! Thank goodness! Whispered a few sweet nothings but she said she wasn't in the mood so I wondered, is it time to move on? But I know I can't. Time to stop fancying every bit of totty I see and concentrate on building a steady relationship. Apparently that's what wins votes. But you have to wonder if they will walk around in short skirts and tight tops what is a red blooded Englishman supposed to do....? Anyway I am building a new profile and doing less humour and more positive elder statesman, but it's bloody difficult. And now some Lefty twat has taken legal action against me. I thought that was why we changed the legal aid system to stop the plebs from clogging up the courts. Apparently he used something called crowdfunding to raise the cash. When I am PM I shall look into stopping that. MG is gaining ground! Memo to self -look for a good looking young journalist for next Mrs J-. Used to think having a sister in the business was enough but that's the trouble with sisters they hold grudges, about things like the time you put dead mouse in their bed (it was funny when she screamed), and take their revenge when you least expect it.

intercepted email from Diane Abbott to Jeremy Corbyn

Hey, whasssup? D’you mind if I give your talk to the revolutionary workers collective at the Dog and Duck a miss tonite? I need to catch up with a box set of something (something serious obvs.)
Aren’t things exciting at the mo? With May as good as gone
There could be a general election and you will be a truly
Marvellous PM, think of all the things you could do!
For a start you could increase police numbers, at the moment we have about 160 so you could up that to about 6 million, or should that be thousand? Something I really, really want you to do is to reinstate Wed afternoon closing,
Stop Sunday opening hours and give those poor workers a
break.
At least you won’t have to face ‘her nibs’ at PMQ’s any more!
Let’s hope Boris Johnson doesn’t win, I know you find him big and scary, little Michael Gove would be my choice.
Are we still on for the IRA celebration reunion at The Savoy?
Di ?xxx

?

Intercepted email from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump

Hello! Greetings from Russia this fine sunny day.I see you have lots of troubles again from so many peoples! Do you carry gun at all times? I do, am crack shot you know and not need bodyguard ( although I have ten ) they surround me wherever we go, they care about me so much.
Why you not visit me here this Summer, we could have manly wrestle in woods, shoot bear, swim icy river with no
Clotheses, you would love!
I also see you are having state visit to UK soon, am wondering if you put in good word for me, there, I am not so popular since Salisbury thing went wrong ( which of course, I know nothing about) it was a misunderstanding, you know, lost in translation.
Do this for me and I return favour sometime, what is it you say, we can scratch each other backs? Must go, have judo match to take part in, and yes, I shall win.
Your friend,
Vlad

These are very clever. I won't join in. Mine would be rubbish!

A valiant attempt lemon to lighten the mood! cheers!

‘Lost in translation ‘, brilliant ?

I love the Vlad email to Don!!

and trisher

thank you

Brilliant Lemongrove love the Putin/ Trump one. I have not been well for the last few days and you really cheered me up.

Not been well just now & I needed some light relief great

Found on Cowley Street London SW1
Dear Nanny,
You have always been, as I think you know, my dearest supporter and best defender my entire life. No wonder then at this terrible time I turn to you for the support I need. Nanny people are not being nice to me (and I have tried repeating Sticks and stones etc so many times) and Nanny it does hurt.
You always assured me Nanny that I was the best boy and that I could do anything I set my mind to and do it well. It has been your vision of me triumphing in all things that has driven me onwards. But Nanny something awful has happened. I used my extensive knowledge and my prodigious intelligence to write a book. It was about my favourite period in history and I called it "The Victorians". Alas the general public has failed to recognise my genius (I blame the state education system! Why most of them can hardly read anyway) and they have not bought my book. It isn't too bad because I did ensure I was paid in advance and I cashed the £12500 cheque some time ago. But now I am wondering Nanny I would so like to write another book, but unless I can sell some more the publishers will not give me any advances. So I just wondered next time you take the children out please could you make sure they all purchase a copy. If you could do this on a few occassions it would really give the figures a boost. Then I can ask for my next advance and start my new book "Why the Feudal System was Best".
Thank you
Love and big hugs
Jacob.

These are absolutely brilliant ladies!

I particularly loved the Putin to Trump one! You have the language as we we imagine it to a ‘T’ lemongrove

Very clever!
?

It’s a bit of fun isn’t it.....and we all need a bit of light relief.
?to sodapop and creativeness get well soon ladies.
Feelingmyage55 and trisher have joined in.....where are the rest of you? Have a go! ?

It can be anyone well known, doesn’t have to be a politician.

Extract from HM the Queen’s diary

What an absolute disaster today has been.It started badly enough as my muesli had no raisins, none at all! Oh there were plenty of sultanas and currants and nuts, but I especially enjoy raisins.One doesn’t like to complain to servants, but I did anyway.
Paxo and Nutmeg were naughty little darlings and did wees
On the Aubusson rug in my bedroom, I rang for my maid
And she took them out for walkies while a footman cleaned up.Poor dears, they can’t help it, getting old just like their mistress.
After lunch Philip announced to us all that he was going to take a spin to Hunstanton.He had a fancy to walk on the beach there.One was horrified! Told him in no uncertain tone that was impossible and that he would need the chauffeur if he went anywhere in the car outside Sandringham.A most upsetting scene then ensued which ended in him roaring don’t tell me what to do Liz, and then
Storming out.Charles ran after him to restrain him and was punched in the eye for his trouble.
I sat serenely at the dining table, one is used to family scenes but has to rise above it.
Meghan looked horrified and Harry was grinning ( why is that boy always grinning?) I sent William after Philip, as he has a calming unfluence on him, but it was too late, as the
Landrover was already in motion and heading for the main road.It’s 10.30 pm now and he still isn’t back, that man can be so infuriating!

Intercepted email from Jeremy Corbyn to John McDonnell.

It’s me again John, I know I should be happy now that Theresa May has finally gone ( or as good as) but I had got used to her and now find myself worrying about her successor.Who will I have to face at PMQ’s come the Autumn.Boris frightens me, he’s so big and went to Eton and keeps saying things in Latin. Raab was a lawyer, and you know what they’re like, always nit picking at you to catch you out.Gove may be small, but he has a way of looking at
you while he’s smiling and talking, makes me feel like a mouse cornered by a chatty cobra.
I will be on tenterhooks now until the end of July.
I felt so anxious this evening that I had three glasses of my
Gooseberry wine, and you know that’s not like me.
Am I getting a bit too old for this malarkey do you think? I do secretly long for those quiet backbench days,when all I had to do was to veto all the bills and dream about my allotment.
I need a supportive word or two from you, where are you tonight anyway?

Extract from an email sent by John Mc Donnell to Jeremy Corbyn.

WTF Jeremy! This is what we have been waiting for, dreaming about! Get a grip! Don’t let those b******ds get to you.F...k the Latin! Put that gooseberry sh** down and go to bed.....now!

Brilliant, the gentle email from Corbyn and Macdonalds reply, bet queenie does take that attitude with that family ?

It’s hard to get the Queen’s voice really, as she doesn’t show much of her feelings in public, we can only guess!

Intercepted email from Angela Merkel to Theresa May.
Heil there Frau May, or 'May' I call you Theresa? (hilarious German joke! I am good at these).
Sorry how things worked out for you back home. We'll all miss you on your many missions to try to get us to change our minds. What fun we all had. I realise now that this was behind your back but now you can join us all! You have a few weeks to make lots of trouble. The boys and I have some great ideas to share. We have a blow up Boris for example. (That's a suggestion for you too! More hilarious German humour.)
Anyway, the main point of this missive is to ask if I could have your jackets and huge necklaces as you won't be needing them any more and I could do with a change of image. You can look forward to retirement in your comfortable sportswear and fleeces as you and Philip spend your long days in garden centres.
Auf Weidersehen,
Angela!

In the rubbish at No 10
Dear ??????
Well a few words to welcome you to your new home. Firstly the rumour that there is to be a revolving door installed is absolutely untrue (but I wouldn't bother to unpack the best china!). Now the tap in the en-suite bathroom drips unless you turn it off very firmly, and you may find this disturbs you when you lie awake at night, wondering who in the cabinet is currently planning to stab you in the back. In the winter there is a terrible draft under the study door ,we had a cute knitted -dashund draught excluder I called Angela (ha-ha). Philip says that he wouldn't bother with what it's like in the winter if he were you. He also says if it's Boris to warn you that the third stair from the top squeaks alarmingly and will wake anyone up when you return home in the early hours (how he knows this I really have no idea). We have been very happy here and we do hope you will be too. I leave knowing I have always done my best (You will be surprised at how clean the cupboards now are. They really needed bottoming when I moved in). So welcome to your new home once my home and the home (sob) I loved.
T

Dear Granny in law

Just a quick note to ask if there is any chance you and granddaddy could babysit for us on Saturday night ? I know it’s short notice but H and I have been invited around to George’s and I really, really, really want to go. I honestly wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t so desperate for a night out and a little break from nappies and feeding, you know how it is?

Trust H to mix up the nanny rota and give them all the same night off, leaving me completely stuck like this.

Anyway it’s no problem if you can’t, I’ll just get mummy to fly over for a day or two.

Love ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya

M x

gilly. so funny,

Naughtily leaked letter from the Worshipful company of wig makers and merkin manufacturers of Britain to Rt Hon Boris Johnston.

Dear sir,
We wish to congratulate you on your continued support for our ancient trade. Not many men who are as bald as you continue to sport a wig - and such a wig! The demand for the comedy hairpiece that you champion so bravely has, regrettably, not increased due, we think, to those people in East Enders (a Television programme). You have been so successful in your wig promotion that we now have an order from a prominent American 'politician' . However, we are having difficulty locating 'hair' of such a tough texture and unfortunate colour. But hey ho business is business as you well know.
I would like to suggest some variations to your model though. Would you consider an egg proof or milk shake proof version for your forthcoming leadership efforts? Additionally I would like to humbly suggest that we manufacture a blonde version of the 'C U Jimmy' hat for any forays that you may plan North of the border? That would be bound to allay the fears of the 'Scot Gnats' and other irritants?
Mr Johnston, you are assured of the continued support of our ancient profession.

With our best wishes for the forthcoming election,

J Smith (Bigs Wigs inc)

PS please find enclosed invoice. If not settled soon we may have to send in bailiffs to reclaim your wig. There have been a number of voluntary offers for this job.