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Interviews with famous people/politicians and diary extracts, not entirely serious! [smile]

(69 Posts)
lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 12:13:11

Having read two of Corbyn’s diary extracts, I went along to
Islington, but his door was firmly locked.Not wanting to waste my rail fare, I thought I would pop along to Boris’s house and try my luck, this time I would say I was a fan and wing it from there.As it happened, I didn’t need to, as half way down his path, the door was flung open and there was the great man himself.There you are, he said, come in, come in, let the interview commence, what!
I was ushered into a large and somewhat dishevelled looking kitchen, in fact a bit like Boris himself, who was dressed in black jogging trousers,and a white tee with the slogan ‘who dares wins’ in blue lettering, one black sock and one white sock on his large feet.
I commented on his socks, asking if this was a new fashion,
Haha! He cried, they were all I could find in my sock drawer.
Sitting at the scrubbed pine table that dominated the room, I pulled out my shopping list and pencil, ready to start.
What do you think of your chances to become the next PM I asked? Boris folded himself onto a chair and sighed, well, obviously he answered with an attempt at a modest smile,
I am numero uno choice and number 10 has always been my lucky number.Would you try and heal the divisions caused by Brexit if you were PM I probed, and would you
Forgive Gove for what happened last time? He ran both hands through his hair and laughed, what happened with Gove was just piffle he wheezed, and anyway there are no divisions .....that’s just fake news! You sound rather like Donald Trump there Boris, I said, he brightened at this, Oh do you think so, well, he is a bit of a role model and we are a bit similar.
I’ll let myself out I say.

Callistemon Wed 29-May-19 12:19:27

grin grin grin

keep them coming lemongrove - we need a laugh!

GrannyGravy13 Wed 29-May-19 12:32:56

Lemon your posts are getting me through a tedious wait at an overcrowded Cypriot Airport (full of fractious children- our one is angelic of course 👼🏻🤣) keep up them coming 👍🏻👍🏻

Anniebach Wed 29-May-19 12:44:48

😀 a much needed laugh, thank you lemon

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 12:44:59

At a bit of a loss what to do next and deciding that London was a bit too crowded, I took a train down to Somerset for fresh air and countryside.
Whilst there, I decided to confront Jacob Rees Mogg, or Moggy as his friends call him.This time I went prepared, wrapped my library book in brown paper and string, and carrying my parcel, approached his large imposing house and rang the bell.If challenged I would say I was a neighbour bringing wrongly delivered post.JRM answered the door, I was in luck. Ah, he said an old person bringing me a gift! Before I could say anything, he invited me in and taking the parcel, plonked it down on an antique side table.
You see, he said, to an obviously bona fide reporter who was hovering nearby and actually there for a real interview, people really love me and often come by with gifts.
I was shown into a large drawing room with swagged gold curtains and green leather sofas.He saw me admiring them
and smiled, yes, you are absolutely right he said, the exact green leather as in the House, so that even when home I may think improving thoughts!
We all sat down and Nanny came in with a large tray bearing a bone china teapot, beautiful Georgian teacups and saucers and a large seed cake. Fire away, said JRM to the reporter and she brought out her pen and pad, which surprised me until he said jovially, no technology in this house thank you very much, only pens and paper you see are allowed, in fact, if I become PM ( and at this point gave a rather girlish giggle) I shall re-introduce the quill!
He went on to outline his future policies, twenty guineas a week for every family with five or more children, heavy fines for missing mass on Sundays,compulsory National Trust membership, and many more, but by then the reporter and I had stopped listening and were just sat picking seeds out of our teeth.
Excellent! Said Moggy coming to a conclusion, be sure to genuflect on the way out won’t you?

Callistemon Wed 29-May-19 12:50:37

is there a [giggle] emoticon?

Callistemon Wed 29-May-19 12:54:08

keep 'em coming

GillT57 Wed 29-May-19 12:59:07

very clever and funny lemon, where are you going next? May I suggest Chez Farage? grin

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:05:09

Am waiting for others to join in.....but as it happens I just intercepted an email from McDonnell to Corbyn.

Jeremy, don’t worry about this Alistair Campbell thing, he had it coming the b*****d.Anyway, it shows that we can move quickly when we want to haha.Now, Seamus has just told me that the reason we acted fast on AC and not on other people ( as yet) is because we are doing it alphabetically. Do not, repeat do not tell anyone else that though, as it’s for your info only!

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:07:06

Yes Gill Funny you should mention him as I have him on my list.😁

Nonnie Wed 29-May-19 13:16:10

You should sell these!

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:53:34

Text from Nigel Farage to Donald Trump.

Hi Don have u got me on banquet list yet? Keep trying!!!

Text from DT to NF
Hey Nige! My people r working on it! Can’t wait to eat oysters and jellied eels with her Maj!

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:58:43

Intercepted email from NF to unknown person.

Another good suit ruined! Last week I spilt a pint of Guinness on it in an East end pub ( if it worked for Harold Wilson, haha) and now some idiot throws milkshake over me.I wouldn’t have minded so much had it been a strawberry one ( I bloody love those!) Still, could have been worse and it did shake me up....see what I did there?🤣
Results from voting better than I ever thought.....on course to topple the Tories now, yeah hay! See ya.

maryeliza54 Wed 29-May-19 14:05:58

Absolutely bloody brilliantl lemon

Feelingmyage55 Wed 29-May-19 14:23:35

lemongrove😂
Inspired by your ideas I decided Scotland might be too far for a day trip so I have travelled to Edinburgh for the day using my free bus pass and nipped round to Nicola Sturgeon’s abode. Would you believe she answered the door herself with a floral nylon apron over one of her good dresses? Seeing my shorthand notebook and fistful of newly sharpened pencils she look downcast. “ I am busy making shortbread to take my mind off politics. Is there no rest for the wicked?” “Is that a rhetorical question?” I replied. Och, come in for shortbread and tea. Long story short Nicola is to make a kitchen cabinet of GNs and she is confident that we can help run the country. She wants all nominations and suggestions by Friday pm ......... I thanked her and said I was heading off to John Lewis and we have just been round the ladies department doing mutual makeovers. Now we are on the rooftop cafe enjoying scones and more tea. So ...who wants to be on the cabinet and what ideas do you have?

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 15:33:32

Me, me, me! I did once sit on a kitchen cabinet, when first married ( but that’s another story) blush

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 16:22:46

Extract from John Bercow’s journal.

Just returned from a shopping trip to Harrods.The doorman
Needs retraining and I have just emailed their HR dept saying exactly that.He did open the door for me, but failed to salute and allowed the door to close too early which resulted in a bruised bottom.
Whilst there, bumped into an old aquaintance from my Lambeth days although he professed at first not to know me! Some people have very poor memories, as this happens to me a lot.I, on the other hand, could give an elephant a run for it’s money in the memory game, I never forget ( or forgive.)
Am struggling a bit with my present chapter of my memoirs, due to be published at the end of my tenure as Speaker Of The House.Luckily, I have now pushed back my departure to 2022, ( I had a lot of mail and calls begging me not to leave......by the Shadow front bench.)So, I do have time to finish the book after all.
I am at the part where I was sacked ( sacked! Can you imagine, for speaking the truth) from the Cabinet, because I agreed that there really was ‘something of the night’ about Michael Howard, as said by Anne Widdy.
Of course there was.....his parents were from Romania,
( it was only my grandparents that were from Romania)
So that can’t be said about me.
I did apologise later to him though, and asked if he would like to go out for a stake...geddit? Oh how I laughed.

MawBroonsback Wed 29-May-19 17:02:41

Gransnet at its absolute best - thank you lemongrove !gringrin

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 19:26:26

smile
Come on folks, let’s hear your stolen diary extracts etc
Jane10 and Phoenix where are you?

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 09:57:42

Extract from Philip Hammond’s diary.

I don’t know what is going on sometimes, though naturally I strive to give the opposite effect, I find a quiet enigmatic look works best.At breakfast I found a strange thing on my plate and looked questioningly at my wife, it’s a kipper Susan said, you may enjoy it.I always have a boiled egg for breakfast with six toast soldiers arranged in a fan shape, Having things arranged just so,gives me a sense of well
being and sets me up for the day.I am put out, but decide to say nothing for the time being.You could smile more, she said ,and even laugh now and again, there’s no law against it.
I give her an enigmatic look and say yet!
Off to Westminster, I put on my favourite raincoat ( there’s no rain that I know of but better safe than sorry) grabbed my briefcase and left the house.
I decided to try out a smile on the duty policeman as I went by, but he staggered a bit and dropped his semi automatic on the pavement, I had to apologise for startling him.
Inside Westminster I went straight to my office, passing two secretaries carrying bundles of papers, I said good morning and tried out a careful grin.....one of them screamed and the other dropped her papers, so I hurried on.
Sat behind my desk, I regained my equilibrium and had a think.Susan had it all wrong, people didn’t want my smiles or grins or happy laughter, they wanted a serious mein, an
Eyeore the down at mouth donkey, a hangdog expression that says ‘trust me’ a look that speaks of a reliable family firm of undertakers.One has to be true to oneself.

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 10:08:45

Email from Donald Trump to Nigel Farage.

Hi Nige,
No news yet for you about the banquet but my guys still working on it, so you can bet your ass it’s going to happen!
Banquet....isn’t that a great word? And so English! I had to look up how to spell it btw because you actually say it as
‘Bankqet’ 🤣🤣 how funny is that!
Am so excited by the thought of this visit, riding in a golden coach waving to all my fans, I know you all love me over there,I thought I would throw signed pics of myself to the cheering crowds,whaddya think?
I just need a heads up buddy, when I greet the Queen, should I shake her hand or do the French thing, kisses on both cheeks? See you soon, it’s gonna be great!!

Anniebach Thu 30-May-19 10:11:46

Brilliant, thank you so much lemon ,

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 10:17:36

You’re welcome Annie smile

trisher Thu 30-May-19 10:54:23

OK I just happened to pass a man wearing shorts and glasses, collecting the morning newspapers the other day and this piece of paper dropped from his hands
Woke early but S was already up. She's taking some new medication which she says is better. I offered her Vit C and suggested she ran to the paper shop with me but she refused and grunted someting about deadlines and winning a leadership contest, then said "don't bugger it up this time" Spent half an hour trying to stack the dishwasher then thought why do we have the Filipino maid anyway? So left a message about the bins and went for a run and the papers. I hear someone's taking Boris to court-every cloud!

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 12:25:46

In Islington again this morning and thought I would try the back door as the front door was locked.....result! It was, so I was able to nip in and get another peek at the little red book.
Extract from Corbyn’s diary.

Just put my slice of seeded wholemeal in the toaster when my phone rings, it was my friend from Hamas! Well, I say ‘friend’ but he is more of an acquaintance really, I think I met him at a Palestinian rally somewhere, but I don’t really recollect.
Jeremy! He says happily, I have good news for you, I come to London soon in June, weather here terrible, too hot, and I need a break anyway.Hello Ismail I say, how are you? All good here
Jeremy I thank you,he replies and how are your lovely wife and children.Very well, I say (I know this will take some time, and so it proves) as he goes on to ask about the health of my dogs, my horses, my hawks my chickens etc.
After a while I tell him all well, except the chickens aren’t laying at the moment.
Then he gets to the point of the call and elaborates on his visit to London.Hamas is economising he says, and although he usually has a whole floor at one of the top hotels for him and his entourage, this time he is considering a stay at my compound.It takes a few seconds for this to sink in.But I don’t have a compound I protest, it’s just a semi with three bedrooms and a small garden.There is a silence before he laughs, long and loudly, Oh Jeremy he splutters you English and your sense of humour!
You have to say British I say, not English, it sounds a bit elitist otherwise, but he had already gone.I may have to go on a long walking holiday in June.