Humour Again

rufus2 enjoying your jokes a lot

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine.

The carburettor
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"computer completely #*@^# now."

Rufus2......thanks for the laughs ?????

Fare Evasion
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City . The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her… "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Biting Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth"

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Courtesy of GreatNan
Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

And the old favourite...is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing
off the tee at every hole.
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any
obvious problems to which the caddy replies.
"There's a bit of sh*t on the end of your club Sir".
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the
caddy says
" The other end, Sir"

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'
The husband replies, 'And what did he say about your 55-year old ar*e hole?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bl***y starving."

Greatnan Fri 16-Mar-12 23:21:48

You must read these in a Yorkshire accent (I'm from Lancashire!)

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
........................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

After an examination the doctor asks a mature married woman if she has any medical concerns. "Yes",she replied,"After sex with my husband I am usually cold and chilly,and after the second time I am hot and sweaty".
Later, after examining her husband,the doctor asks if he has any medical concerns and he replies "No".
The doctor then says,"Your wife has an unusual problem,she says that after having sex with you for the first time she is cold and chilly,and then hot and sweaty after the second time."
"Oh,thats easy".replied the man,"The first time is usually in January and the second time is in August".

Beware of ordering goods on eBay [joke]
\. A man sent away for a penis enlarger. By return of post he received a magnifying glass with the instruction - Do not use in direct sunlight.

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever....which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

After a busy day, an elderly friend of mine settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-
Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train
- yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting
- no, not with my secreatary, with the boss- no darling you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to
reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

This is not one of GreatNans as far as I know. Not strong enough?
A good-looking lady decided to give herself a big treat on her 70th birthday and arranged to stay o/night at a really grand hotel. When she checked out next morning she was handed a bill for £600.
She demanded to know why the bill was so high, saying"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms are not worth that much and I didn't even have breakfast. The clerk told her that was the standard rate and breakfast had been included if she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the manager, who, forewarned, stated "^This hotel has an Olympic size swimming pool and a huge conference area, both available for use. "But I didn't use them" she said.
Well they are here and you could have. explained the manager, who went on to say that she could have seen one of the hotel shows.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows"
"Well you could have" he replied.\
After several minutes' discussion she decided to pay and gave the manager a cheque.
"Madam, this cheque is for only £100.
"That's correct. I charged you £500 for sleeping with me".
"But I didn't" said the manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here and you could have."

^Podiatrist's Clippings^
Visited my podiatrist last week. Who says they don't have a sense of humour! ?

"As we age our legs grow longer and our arms shorter"

"Show me a man who laughs in the face of defeat and I will show you a happy black podiatrist"
OoRoo

A woman was setting up her husband's computer for him. When she had finished, she explained that he needed a password and that he should choose something that was special to him so that he would remember it easily. He thought for a moment and then winked at her. However, she was less than delighted when she saw him key in the word penis.
The next minute she was helpless with laughter as a message had come up on the screen.
"Too short. Access denied".

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . Some arsehole's got my pen

A girl was driving down the motorway with her blonde boyfriend and he piped up
'I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales'.
'Why's that ?' she said.
Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs"

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents.
We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my Dad leaned over and said, "Son, I
think this one's a keeper."
"Awww Dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant poo."

Rufus ?