Oh how I feel for you Operalover.
Be strong, and be frank. Give her the one option. A date she has to move out with her son.
I have had 2 grandchildren living with us, brother and sister. Rules were put into place. Grandson 14, granddaughter 19. Rules went out the door as soon as my back was turned. The boyfriend stayed over many nights. No help whatsoever when boyfriend was around, but always arrive before dinner and expect to eat. I was paying for her tertiary education, she was getting benefits, never saw a cent. At times I needed to travel to other side of country and poor hubby had to deal with it. What a nightmare it became. My purse had to be locked away, computer had to be passworded,objects were disappearing ( assumed hocked) bedroom doors were closed, food was being taken into bedrooms, phones constantly attached to them, even if eating together at the table. No conversations to be had, no offer to assist preparing or cooking meals, no offer of money towards their upkeep. I would called it used, abused and spat out. Once I enforced my rules, things got worse, they would ring their mother and tell her I was being too strict and they had no privacy. Hello you are under my roof and you will abide by my rules, otherwise you may leave. I’m paying for their education, how ungrateful they were. Both left, but it took my credit card to be stolen from my purse for it to come to a head. I had gone east and hubby was left behind with these 2 ungrateful sods. It took me a few days to realise I didn’t have my card and to find over $5000 had been spent in places I would never shop, card was blocked. They both knew at this point I was onto them. Within 24 hrs, both had fled the house, and what I found left behind was disgusting. Drugs, alcohol, rotten food squashed into floors. I will never allow them in my place again, and in fact I never want to see them again. This was over 18mths ago and neither have ever apologised to us and I am sticking to my guns. We have recently had school holidays here, and the youngest 2 children came to stay with some of their cousins. Unfortunately parents had to be called to pick the children up, I had fractured my hip. OMGoodness the 13 year old is a lazy conniving mongrel, just like his older siblings. Their father came to pick up and decided to stay and assist hubby when I came home from hospital, the jobs he started haven’t been finished, he enjoyed using my card to pay for stuff he needed to complete the jobs. Father slept most of the time, he has a bad back. Whilst father was around 13 yr old thought he could get away with everything. My home, my rules. Ask for a simple job, can you sweep the patio area and when it wasn’t done to my satisfaction, like 2 handed sweep and most of the stuff was left there still, I had the door slammed in my face and stormed off crying, his roared at me, he is only 13, don’t be so hard on him, he doesn’t understand. Excuse me, he fully understands but it’s ok for him to be given a phone so he can play games etc and be an extra appendage hanging of him. I may add we are still renovating and no tv in this house but 15 acres of land and lots of rescued animals live here, lots of sunshine to play in. Yet the rest of the grandchildren played happily. The last straw came when I had taken in some sheep, the SIL wanted to kill, free meat, and he is rather dogmatic in his attitude, returns from shops, oh my back is bad, but I tied up the legs of 3 sheep ready to kill them later. Sorry not happening, no coolroom facility no help and no way were they being killed. sIL decided his 13 yr old would help him. No one is listening to me, I rescue animals to see out their lives here no for consummation, well you guessed it, they were gone the next day so fast, saying he had to get home to his wife, my daughter she needed him. I understand that, but to leave our place and go to his stepdaughters for the night which isn’t on the way home from us and stay there and then to plaster it all over Instagram. I know full well where those 3 children learnt their skills. I will never have them back in my house. I understand my daughters frustration with them but in the end, she stuck up for them, so she too can stay away. No apologies nothing. We got taken for suckers again. My poor hubby just looked at me and said now you will believe me about your SIL and those kids. It has taken me many years but can never forgive and hubby battles through his work and gets up early hrs to do the morning feeds before work and leaves work early to get home and do nighttime feeds and bed the rescues down. Never any problems from them, they all appreciate what they have here is a better life, pity some humans can’t do the same thing.
You be strong operalover and get them out ASAP because you will begin to loathe every waking moment, give your daughter the date she has to be out. You will both remain friends and family, but if you let it continue that will be gone in no time