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Mistress/bit of fluff/bit on the side

(28 Posts)
POGS Sat 27-Jul-19 11:48:50

On a current thread the discussion of a woman who is in a relationship , living with a man who is waiting for divorce has made me think about how we use rhetoric, perceive we are living in a more feminist world.

The woman in question has had the following attributed to her .:-

Blonde Bimbo
Bit of fluff
Another woman
Potential blackmailer
Pillow talker
Bit on the side
Other woman
Fancy piece

There are thousands of women, perhaps some us have been in the position described, perhaps we have daughters, granddaughters who are now or have been in a partnership with a man who is waiting for his divorce to come through and as we know that can take months.

My question is, are the terms being used fairly toward women in this position in 2019?

Are they old fashioned, are they the rhetoric other woman should consider appropriate , are they names that only have one use and that is to show dislike/ virtuosity above other women/ showing a disapproval of.

I appreciate they are all terms of common parlance, time in memorial but surely the times have changed and divorce, living with somebody is no longer deemed as a sin, disgraceful, shocking .

What do others think and I accept that my opinion is not to every bodies persuasion but really can't the rhetoric be Partner, Other Half, Confidant, Companion , unless of course distain and disapproval is the aim toward the woman but surely we have evolved over the years .

Razzy Sat 27-Jul-19 13:39:45

Generally there is a lot of language that is derogatory towards women but not towards men. Even starting with “the wife” or “the Missus”. Women are called slut, hussy, other woman. But men are not. A man who has more than one partner generally receives positive comments. Women nag or are bossy. Men are assertive. “Single mothers” is common whereas “single fathers” is not. “Working mum” is common but have you ever heard the term “working dad”?
There is a huge amount of sexist language, which I try hard to counter by pointing this out to my young daughter. Even jobs - “postman”, “female surgeon”, “woman pilot”. Yet you don’t hear anyone say they had a “male pilot” or a “male doctor” or “postwoman”.
I truly believe more parents need to be aware and teach their kids from a young age.

Septimia Sat 27-Jul-19 13:43:07

A lot of those terms suggest a new or short-term relationship, especially if it is clandestine and one or both of the parties is married. They are all rather derogatory and perhaps should only be used when really relevant rather than for people who have found themselves in a situation that they wouldn't normally want to be in.

'Bidey-in' always sounds to me more like a long-term/permanent but unofficial partnership. It has a sort of snug feel to it, as well as indicating its unofficial nature.

Septimia Sat 27-Jul-19 13:49:48

Razzy you're right, there are some terms like that, but there is some change. 'Stay-at-home-dad' is an example. It's slow, but it's changing as society changes and male and female roles are changing, albeit slowly, too. As for 'postwoman', that's been in regular use for a long time. There was one in my village back in the 50s - she used to deliver the post on horseback.

Septimia Sat 27-Jul-19 13:50:30

P.S. What about 'fancy man' ?

POGS Sat 27-Jul-19 14:30:55


" I truly believe more parents need to be aware and teach their kids from a young age."

Good point.

Also children are hopefully more aware of family breakdown situation, sadly many are caught up in divorce by their parents.

Nannarose Sat 27-Jul-19 15:34:13

There are derogatory terms for men as well, and 'fancy man' is one of the better ones. I agree that there aren't as many as there are for women.
However (see the post about sons) we try to be careful about all language.
I told my children, and tell my GCs that we are better than that!

GillT57 Sat 27-Jul-19 15:45:00

Hmm interesting point POGS presumably the comments about Johnson's companion brought this to attention? You only have to look at the press to see the public perception of 'single mothers' for example; the inference is often that they are feckless and/or immoral, funny how nobody ever asks where the Fathers are? It is always the woman's fault that she is raising the children alone. As many on here will testify, it is not a bowl of cherries being a single parent, must be even harder when many think it is either your own fault or your own choice.

GillT57 Sat 27-Jul-19 15:46:20

Nannarose when I think of a 'fancy man' I always imagine someone rather seedy, creepy, devious, a back door sneaker. Definitely not a complimentary term in my books

Jane10 Sat 27-Jul-19 15:48:27

How about consort? Sounds very respectable and can be applied to either party in a relationship.

GillT57 Sat 27-Jul-19 15:50:29

Yes that's better jane10 has a royal ring to it too. Not that I think Johnson or his consort are royal

Hetty58 Sat 27-Jul-19 15:53:22

Very true Gill, how men are somehow 'blameless' for single parent situations. What is the female equivalent of 'Jack the lad' for instance? I'd really like to know. I did ask my toyboy but he's sulking about being referred to as 'the entertainment'!

POGS Sat 27-Jul-19 16:42:11

Jane 10

Consort. √

Grandad1943 Sat 27-Jul-19 16:59:06

There are many men in single-parent situations in these times. We have a thirty-five years old male working on a temporary contract in the admin section of our company at present.

It is extremely difficult for him raising two children following his partner leaving them all for another person.

It is not only mem who "run off to richer pastures", leaving all responsibility behind for their former other half to pick up.

But of course, many on this forum would rather that situations such as the above were not mentioned.

sharon103 Sat 27-Jul-19 17:11:56

My ex husband cleared off with what was known as 'The village bike' Not my words initially but I adopted the term.
She got him to take out a loan for her for quite a few thousand pounds, She left him and he had to declare bankruptcy. He married someone else and she left him after a year for someone else and he has been on his own ever since. Has uncontrolled diabetes and vascular problems.
Ah, got that of me chest!
You just have to sit back and watch Karma work grin

POGS Sat 27-Jul-19 17:17:06


"But of course, many on this forum would rather that situations such as the above were not mentioned."

Not sure what the hell your point is to be honest.


The question I raised was about the crass names women suffer and gave an example to kick the conversation off. Please don't twist it into some sort of anti male question..

To be honest name calling is petty, spiteful and only used when an individual is trying to make a point they don't like the ' person ' on the receiving end, male or female.

Of course they are both male/female people in various relationships , only a fool doesn't accept that. You raise a point that the circumstances behind why a marriage fails has many variances but it doesn't stop the name calling by those who ' think ' they know all about their marriage sadly.

Whether it be male or female the same applies .

Nannarose Sat 27-Jul-19 17:59:42

I didn't mean that 'fancy man' was complimentary! I meant it was a bit less demeaning than 'bit of rough' or 'toy boy'.
None of them are terms I like to use!

Hetty58 Sat 27-Jul-19 18:11:06

Grandad, I think you misinterpreted my (badly worded) remark. I know there are single-parent dads but they are a rarity. The one I know receives much help and sympathy.

By contrast, single parent mums (the vast majority) tend to receive blame and criticism. Few of them actually set out to be single parents. The fathers of their children, though, seem to escape any blame. That's what I was trying to say.

Nannyxthree Sat 27-Jul-19 19:42:08

I think the derogatory terms applied to women living with a married man have almost always been used by the wife (and her friends / family)to make the wife feel better about herself. So that she can feel herself as 'better' than the new partner. These aren't names I have heard any man use about his friend's new partner.

Hetty58 Sat 27-Jul-19 20:07:16

That's true Nannyxthree, women are the main offenders.

Hetty58 Sat 27-Jul-19 21:44:41

Have you noticed that women tend to blame the 'other woman' rather than the man. The story tends to go that she vindictively stole him or began the affair, knowing full well that he was married. (He'd never lie about or neglect to mention that, would he?)

Then he's deemed to be 'easily led', a victim of Testosterone or 'accidentally' was thinking with the wrong body part. He's assigned the responsibility level of a schoolboy, whereas the woman is pure evil. Have you noticed that?

sharon103 Sat 27-Jul-19 23:01:41

I blame both Hetty, she knew mine was a married man with three young children and he knew it too. Both as bad as each other.

BradfordLass72 Sat 27-Jul-19 23:11:50

To my shame, I'm guilty of this.

If I like the person concerned I don't use such derogatory expressions but recently, when talking about someone whom I've never met but has become the partner of an abusive man I dislike intensely, I've referred to her as 'his floozy'.

I won't do that again. POGS you're right - thankyou. flowers

gillybob Sat 27-Jul-19 23:22:18

My DS always reffered to his father as “the sperm donor” . These days he is “the late sperm donor” . shock

Elegran Sat 27-Jul-19 23:30:41

All the terms you quote except "bidey-in", POGS, are ones which I would associate with a woman who is having an affair with a man who is still happy (or at least content) to be married to his wife. A bidey-in lives permanently and longterm with someone without being married to them, regardless of the formal marital status of either of them.

If a man's marriage is so far damaged that he is waiting for a divorce, then the woman he presumably loves is not any of those names, she is his partner in all but the formalities.

I have deliberately not followed the media details of our new PM's love life, if that is what you refer to, so I can't comment on the moral status of his inamorata, or whether she deserves the attributes.