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Won’t accept financial gift

(51 Posts)
Hideaway Fri 02-Aug-19 09:10:44

My husband and I have found ourself a in a really lucky position to be able to pay off our small outstanding mortgage and put a little more aside for the rest of our retirement.
I also plan to save a little for each of our grandchildren’s future, we have 3 children so also planned to give each family a equal sum of money, just to help with whatever they see fit.
However my youngest child who has 3 children is refusing to accept saying that we should keep it for something we want or split her potion between the grandchildren. This breaks my heart as they are such a hard working family who really struggle financially.
What should I do? Not offer to money to any of my kids to keep it fair?
This should be such a happy moment which we have worked hard for which is now turning into a really stressful situation.

dragonfly46 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:14:23

Just put the money aside and mentally put their name on it. Tell them what you have done and say it is there if they need it.

Merseybelle2 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:23:41

How about gifting it to them in premium bonds if you can still do this ?

Grammaretto Fri 02-Aug-19 09:25:33

Yes open an account with their name on it. Sometime in the future one of their children will be very glad you did.

I know what it's like though. We had a windfall when DM died and I decided to share it out equally between our 4.

The eldest thanked us and said it would go towards education.
#2 said "consider it spent"
#3 paid off his overdraft
#4 It went into the savings for a deposit on a house.
I enjoyed being able to help them and enjoyed their choices too! DM loved her DGC and would have been glad I'm sure.

Gonegirl Fri 02-Aug-19 09:28:23

Split her share between her three children. And treasure that daughter. She's one in a million.

dragonfly46 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:30:15

Funny isn’t it Grammaretto how all our children are different. My DD would be your #4 and my DS your #2. It is wonderful when you are able to help your children out.

annodomini Fri 02-Aug-19 09:44:04

I'm inclined to agree with Gonegirl.

kircubbin2000 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:50:50

Unless you have £50000 premium bonds don't give a good return.

chris8888 Fri 02-Aug-19 09:52:44

Do as she asks an split it between her children. Why would you find that stressful you are still helping them all

gillybob Fri 02-Aug-19 09:56:00

Sadly I doubt I would ever be in such a position to gift my children anything financially, but my DS wouldn’t hesitate to ask if he or the children needed something whereas my DD could be living on knifes edge and be very reluctant to accept help . It’s strange how they can be so very different .

If I were you Hideaway I would say that unless he/she accepts your gift then you feel that you cannot gift his/her siblings either as it would not be fair Tell them that they can put it away for the children if that’s what they feel is right but they really must accept it and it upsets you that they don’t feel able to do so.

Hideaway Fri 02-Aug-19 09:56:07

She really is one in a million, out of all my children I feel her family would benefit from this the most where as my other children would use it for luxury’s and wants which is fine as it would be their choice.
Thank you for you opinions, I already feel better about the situation.
I’m leaning towards keeping it aside and hoping she will change her mind in future. I really hope she does

Foxglove77 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:01:24

I'm sorry your lovely gift idea hasn't gone as you hoped which is a shame.

However your youngest daughter has her parents hard working ethic which is a gift in itself. She probably thinks as you earned it you should enjoy it yourselves. Could you take a family holiday together?

I would continue with your idea with the others and tell her it is safe in an account in case she ever needs or wants it.

grannygranby Fri 02-Aug-19 10:02:57

Yes this happened to me too! I inherited from my mum and I offered my two children, both married with mortgages, I thought wow how I’d have liked to have helped them earlier on with a deposit when I was s single mum and couldn’t so I offered them each ten thousand towards paying off their mortgage. My daughter said thanks and did that. As her husband’s family had put in more she felt good about paying more her side. My son however refused. And like OP I was bit hurt. It’s still his, in my mind, and finding himself stretched over building work to extend house as wife pregnant again I offered him some money this year and he thankfully accepted, it is seven years on. He just has credit. But there is also a sense that they are in control ....and you must know it. With some it is easier to give than take. I never got a thanks or acknowledgment from daughters husband either!

Kittye Fri 02-Aug-19 10:05:14

I think you should do as she wishes and split the money between the grandchildren. I certainly wouldn’t get stressed about it. By the way I think it’s a lovely generous thing you are doing 🙂

NotSpaghetti Fri 02-Aug-19 10:05:52

I’m with Gonegirl on this one. My parents once insisted I had a share of a small windfall when I had been working hard but struggling and with no spare cash. They weren’t young, had worked all their lives, and I wanted them to enjoy it. They had always put themselves last in line and it seemed right that they have some fun with it. I had no children at that point or I think giving it to the children might have felt ok but I really didn’t want to benefit from it personally. It caused a lot of fuss and in the end my father paid it directly into my bank account 🤐 so I took it straight out and spent it all on them. I can see now that it could have all gone very wrong - but fortunately they loved what I bought. 😬

I suggest you tell your youngest what a joy it would be to give it. How this is the thing that would give you the greatest pleasure and that you would like to set up 3 little saving accounts for the children with her blessing.

Good luck.

Lock Fri 02-Aug-19 10:16:35

Put it in premium bonds with her name on it. Premium bonds, I think, are non-taxable, so it won't affect her financial situation.

Do NOT mentally earmark it in your accounts: it could well disappear if you need to pay for care, or if you died it would just be lumped in with the rest of the estate. There's no such thing as "her" money if it's in your account!

Put her share away for her. She deserves it.
She's trying to be a good mum by saying give it to the children, but she's denying herself, which isn't fair. Who knows, in a year she might really need that money for something important.

icanhandthemback Fri 02-Aug-19 10:16:43

Your daughter could have just taken the money, then given it to her children taking all the credit. What a lovely girl she is to let you do that. She may feel she’ll never be in the position to do this for her children and what she’s never had, she won’t miss. Any talk of not giving money to her siblings will make them feel resentful and is highly manipulative.

Patticake123 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:24:04

Both of my children were just the same.’we don’t want your money Mum, you spend it and enjoy it’ isn’t that lovely. However, I persuaded them both by saying I wanted to get the pleasure of seeing them enjoy it while I was alive rather than missing it when I was dead and buried. I’m not talking about a life changing amount of money but one of them spent it on a caravan and they now enjoy holidays and the other one? No idea, but I’m sure he enjoyed it!

Willow500 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:25:41

Put it in a separate saving account for your daughter - if there comes a time when she needs it there will be a little (very little) bit of interest on there and if that time doesn't arrive leave the amount to her in your will.

janeayressister Fri 02-Aug-19 10:32:06

Well you just have to accept it, but write in your will and give them the extra then. He can hardly not accept your dying wishes.
I just give my children cash and pay for my grandsons ISAs every month. Halifax do a good one. It will help with their school fees. They never ask but I want to give it to them and I try and keep it fair but often I do it on a need basis.
We are short of time now, not money.

Harris27 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:38:32

You have a really fabulous daughter. Put the money aside with her name on it for later. No one knows the future.

polnan Fri 02-Aug-19 10:40:57

I agree with Gonegirl.. why do we, as parents, expect our children to be,do, as we would have them do? just asking... I have struggled against this for years... now gks... similarly, we want them to be as we want them to be... such is life!

I have been there,, Gonegirl has it right

NannyG123 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:41:41

I' would probably open a bank account for each of her children, they may need it if they go to uni, or get their own place to live etc. I think it's lovely of your daughter to think that way

beautybumble Fri 02-Aug-19 10:44:52

I think she may feel that she's worked so hard for what she's achieved up til now, that maybe she's now too proud to accept a gift that will seem too easy. My daughter has done everything all by her own ambitions. College, university and now building a business which she's so proud of. I was struggling so couldn't help, but she found her inner strength to press on alone and I am so proud of her. She says that she'd never accept any help because she feels so proud of what she's achieved on her own. I think it could be the same for your hard working, good daughter. Respect her wishes.

Nannah24 Fri 02-Aug-19 10:48:10

Totally agree with Harris 27
Situations change and she may really need the money in the future. I wouldnt take money from my parents either when it was offered..so I know how it feels....but I was glad of it in later years and accepted it gladly and gratefully.
She just wants to make sure that you are ok and that you wont deny yourselves anything...in her eyes..you have earned it so enjoy it and she will be happy for you.