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Sister asking for money

(98 Posts)
fizzers Thu 08-Aug-19 09:09:24

Not really wanting advice, just wanting to offload.

Out of the blue last night, my sister messaged me asking to borrow money. I said no immediately and gave her some reason why not. I feel really bad as she is my only sister and I don't have much in the way of family.

My reasoning is:

A. I have a very limited income and can't afford it.
B. She has more money coming into her household than I do.
C. She has borrowed money in the past and never paid it back, in fact avoided me for several months.

It unfortunately opened up a can of worms in my head, years and years ago, when I was a struggling single parent she borrowed money from me just before Christmas, the only money I had was electricity bill money, she never paid that back and I had to use Christmas money topay that bill. I never forgave her for that.

Last year when my elderly mother was dying in hospital I lent her £40, never got that back, wasn't too bothered about that as I had other things on my mind. I also know that she (and my nieces) regularly used to go to my mam for money for this bill or that bill. Mum's not here now to bail her and the others out am just hoping she doesn't start coming to me because the answer is going tobe a resounding No

I told my daughter and she is awa re of the past , she said I did the right thing, but that doesn't stop me from feeling bad about it.

Urmstongran Thu 08-Aug-19 09:11:47

Probably the right decision really.

aggie Thu 08-Aug-19 09:14:51

Don't stress about it , you are doing the right thing xxxxx

Blinko Thu 08-Aug-19 09:15:31

I'd say you did the right thing unless you were prepared not to get it back. If she asks, tell her why.

Mossfarr Thu 08-Aug-19 09:15:48

Good for you. Why should you be left short because she doesn't manage her finances properly?

She is clearly someone who will take advantage.

Too many of our nearest & dearest are happy to mismanage their finances and expect others to bail them out.

I wish I had said NO to my daughter years ago!

harrigran Thu 08-Aug-19 09:18:48

You are right to refuse, your sister has no scruples.

TwiceAsNice Thu 08-Aug-19 09:20:12

Good decision. If she does ask why I would say you still haven’t paid back what I leant you in the past why should I give you more?

RosieLeah Thu 08-Aug-19 09:20:57

Strange how some people have no conscience about this sort of thing. She obviously sees you as a soft touch and is quick to take advantage. She must be unpleasant in other ways too.

Beckett Thu 08-Aug-19 09:21:32

As she has more income than you then I think you were right to say no, although knowing that doesn't make it any easier. If it was a one-off emergency that would be different but it seems she is just a bad manager.

mumofmadboys Thu 08-Aug-19 09:22:37

If she asks again simply say 'Sorry I can't afford to' and change the subject. No need to feel bad.

Kerenhappuch Thu 08-Aug-19 10:46:33

You shouldn't feel bad - you have solid reasons to believe you won't get the money back, and so she's really asking for a gift. There's no reason at all you should have to make her a gift of money if she's short. It also doesn't give her an incentive to manage her money better if someone bails her out.

gillybob Thu 08-Aug-19 10:51:00

My sister often borrows small amounts of money from me £20-£30 here and there . She knows how we are fixed financially ( no regular steady income ) but she always pays it back albeit in dribs and drabs £5 here and there . These days I keep an emergency £20 in a little pot on my dresser and anyone with a key to mine is welcome to pop in and borrow it .

Davidhs Thu 08-Aug-19 10:53:52

By all means gift her money if you think she deserves it that’s your choice but never ever lend money that always causes trouble when it comes to repaying.
Just say no I haven’t any spare or I’m saving up for a new fridge or whatever.

SpringyChicken Thu 08-Aug-19 10:57:44

You have valid reasons for saying no. Don’t feel guilty.

wildswan16 Thu 08-Aug-19 11:00:22

You are doing her a favour - if she knows you are not going to continually bail her out then she may start to be more careful with her own money. Absolutely no reason for you to feel bad about it. In fact, you should give yourself a gold star for being sensible.

paddyann Thu 08-Aug-19 11:01:02

we have a drawer with cash in it gillybob and our AC know its there if they have an emergency.Saves them the embarrassment of asking.Its always put back ,sometimes with a bit extra so if its needed again they dont feel so bad.Their dad my husband has always been fantastic at all things financial so they feel they're letting him down when they run out before th end of the month.
Strange really because we've always told them about the time we lived on toasted cheese for literally 3 years with a bit of bacon on top if we'd a wee bit extra cash that didn't have to be directed back into the business.Its good to remember that everyone can have tough times and not look down on them for it.

Daisymae Thu 08-Aug-19 11:01:06

It's the only decision and definitely the right one. Don't feel bad, it's incredible that she has the front to ask in the first place.

M0nica Thu 08-Aug-19 11:01:53

Just because someone is your sister is no reason to throw caution to the winds. Nobody should ever lend further money to someone who hasn't repaid a previous loan, whether it is a sister, brother, mother or aunt.

The fact that she earns more than you is the best reason ever for not lending her money.

All of us at some time have to accept that someone near, and supposedly, dear to us, is a bad egg. It is best to bite the bullet (to mix my metaphors) and not waste precious time worrying about it afterwards. The time to worry is when you through good money after lost money because of some misguided sense of family loyalty.

Hetty58 Thu 08-Aug-19 11:12:47

Three of my children have 'borrowed' money from time to time. I've always said 'Have it, don't borrow it, I don't expect it back.' I think that's what a lot of families do.

My eldest has helped me out (in the same way) in the past, although I've only asked when absolutely desperate. Now that I'm retired, I'd only give if it didn't leave me short. There's no opportunity to do some overtime to make up the shortfall.

It's perfectly fine to say 'No, I can't afford it!' and they can ask somebody else.

Grannyknot Thu 08-Aug-19 11:13:39

Hi Fizzzers no need to feel bad for refusing to support someone else's poor budgeting ...


gillybob Thu 08-Aug-19 11:21:43

About a year ago my sister got herself into a right ( financial) mess . I wasn’t able to bail her out (we almost permanently live on an OD) and I had the awful task of asking my dad if he could help her out . I felt terrible even though I would have never asked for myself . He offered £800 and I asked how she should pay it back and he said “it’s pointless as she won’t be able to pay me back without getting back in the same mess again, just tell her to consider it a gift” ( I honestly thought he might’ve given me the same but he didn’t, silly me) He then suggested I meet him and we pay it into my sisters account ( easier said than done as paying cash into someone else’s account attracts a million questions) . Anyway we managed to sort it and when it was all done my dad turned round to me in the bank and said “that’s the bloody finish mind you”. I felt terrible and wished the ground would swallow me up as I felt that everyone in the bank thought he was giving it to me ! In fact , in the end I think HE even thought he was giving it to me . sad

I told my sister and she just laughed .

gillybob Thu 08-Aug-19 11:22:05

Ooops sorry for lack of paragraphs / spacing .

jaylucy Thu 08-Aug-19 11:22:51

No don't feel bad about it! She obviously has a big problem with budgeting and I'd guess that her husband isn't even aware or they are not as well off as you think they are!
Stick to your guns - anyone that leaves you in as bad a position as you were, relative or not needs to be taken to the CAB and given help with their finances!

Liz46 Thu 08-Aug-19 11:23:05

You did the right thing Fizzers. She has a cheek!

tinysidsmum Thu 08-Aug-19 11:25:42

I have bailed my grown up son out so many times, not been paid back either. I am now saying no and wish I had been stronger to do that years ago. It's not easy but I feel he has to sort his life out now.