Thoughts would be very welcome

Come on ladies let’s make sure the next generation of husbands/partners are not as hopeless as the ones described. I have twin sons who are both married with young children.
They can and do cook, clean, do DIY, look after little ones, wash, iron and do the gardening (sorry to gloat)
Many many years ago one of them told me that their bedroom looked a bit dusty ( the cheek) sometime later I open his bedroom door and threw in a tin of Pledge and a duster ! A short while after this I pushed the vacuum in through his door and closed it behind me! He got the message PDQ.
I worked full time and was a single parent in those days.
They are now both successful in their careers and have really great wives but they both do all their own ironing!
Yeh!!!

It could be the Anaesthetic that he needs to get out of his system I had a lengthy eye op and it took me three weeks to get over it, being spaced out and falling asleep all the time ,thought I was losing it

Perhaps your husband is stressed out about your operation. My husband gets stressed out over everything

Over the years, several of my friends have died and left 'hopeless husbands' - it's what comes of never showing them what to do and how to cope.

That's a very dangerous situation indeed. Not only does it leave them helpless if the wife goes first but it adds to the stress of bereavement.

I'm shocked by how many husbands have been emasculated this way.

I think Mumsnet needs to come over here and see why there are so many selfish incapable men around. Or maybe some Granset members need to head over there to see what the consequences are of raising men to behave as if they are "special".

It would also be funny if it wasn't so sad - posters telling OP to give the poor man time to recover from HER operation?! Seek medical advice for HIM? Op says This is the problem now, husband just doesn’t seem able to manage, literally have to write things down like you would for a child - and that is literally - actually - the situation. Have you previously treated him like a child OP?

Have you always done everything so that now the poor old dear is struggling with even the idea of lifting a finger? Or has he always been a capable adult and taken his fair share of all the chores and administration in running a household, but now seems lost - in which case that would be a real concern.

He should be taking care of you and that's the bottom line. Only you can tell us if he can't, or he won't.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seiko70. It is not the husband who is recovering from surgery. He has simply fallen apart being faced with becoming a temporary carer for the OP.

Sometimes when our menfolk care for us, they do it in their fashion, not in ours. Too often we want it done "our way" rather than accepting that we do things one way, others do it another. All those things you need to scribe for him to do, down to the little things, are they necessary? Or are they just what you would do? If you are being fed, watered and loved then maybe that is as much as you can ask.
I watched my stepdad run around looking after my Mum with very little gratitude when she had her hip done and yet she was being perfectly well looked after. Maybe you should listen to your daughter who thinks you are exaggerating?
I do hope you start to feel better soon and the care you should get from the District Nurse will improve.

I was married to someone like this but he was useless ALL the time! He couldn't change the babies nappies, feed the babies, hold them correctly, cook, make a cuppa etc etc! Nor could he wash the pots or tidy up.

But he was very good at keeping tabs on people and controlling their every move, even visits to the loo were questioned!!!!

It was a massive inconvenience to him for me to not feel like cooking occasionally but the thought of spending money on a Sunday lunch in the pub horrified him. So there I'd be, post very serious surgery, cooking dinner whilst he sat watching TV. Then the District Nurse happened to drop in; she was less than amused and wasted no time in telling him what a useless specimen he was!
To my knowledge he has not changed, I now live alone and I'm happier than I've been in years.
Some people do not even try to learn the basics and I cannot help thinking that the OP's OH is laying it on a bit thick. It does seem very coincidental that his persona has changed radically after OP had her surgery.

I hope your mobility picks up soon AnnS1, and I'm sad you didn't receive better nursing care along with the fact you had bad medication reactions.

I would just like to say recently we met with a couple that we have known for many years but have not seen a great deal of for some time and when we have seen them it has been in a large party where there is so much chatter and goings on that anything untoward with one or more could easily go unnoticed.

This time they were alone with us on a trip. It became evident that the husband was having some difficulty with very ordinary everyday tasks that we usually take for granted. It turns out after the wife opened up slightly, although still remained very protective, that it had been going on for sometime. We did manage to get them to agree to visit the GP, as there is almost certainly some decline that needs assessing.

We are also very conscious of the fact that these two have been inseparable for years. The wife does just about everything and has almost looked after him like a little boy almost all of their married life.

I'm not sure if you come anywhere close to this but I don't think that if you are the one running the home and organising the main tasks when push comes to shove and with age deteriation they have no clue and don't know where to start.

I would suggest if you can to make an appointment with the GP.

I would employ a housekeeper/cleaner on a very short time basis. Stress will increase your recovery time.

Reading this thread I feel truly lucky. I had to retire due to ill health 20 years ago in my early 40s. Husband had to take over doing virtually everything for a few years, I now do a few small tasks but he does all the cooking and shopping, I have cleaners come in fortnightly to keep the house hygienic, but they don't tidy, that has to be done before they're here, which I find very tiring. Of course hubby made mistakes in the early days of having to do all the cooking, the children were still at home, but he's learned from those mistakes and when I have setbacks he copes well enough without me coaching him from the sidelines. It does notice when I've had a rough few weeks, he doesn't do little tidying up tasks that are obvious to me and they soon build up to making the house look untidy but as he's done so much for so long, whilst working full time until recently, now part time, I really can't complain. He cannot for the life of him learn how to fold fitted sheets though, it's quite entertaining watching him try then I do it in less than 2 minutes.

I spot that sometimes he's overwhelmed by things, it usually sorts itself over a few weeks but I think we forget our men are ageing with us and they get tired, plus when we're ill they worry and that affects them thinking to do even simple jobs without prompting. Be patient AnnS1, your husband is probably fine but if he continues to seem overwhelmed by it all try to encourage him to get blood pressure checked for starters, it might encourage him to open up to the nurse or Dr he sees and they'll hopefully spot if there is something more serious going on. I know in my husband I'm still seeing the daydreamer signs of almost 40 years ago, they were kind of cute when he was 23, now they're completely irritating. I have to wonder what he sees when he looks at me though, thankfully he's been wonderful since my disability and illness peaked back in `99 and has never made me feel guilty for being ill. I think I have a man in a million but he still drives me crazy at times, I'm sure it's mutual.

Sorry to hear about DH, I agree with others, he seems terrified. Illness can be hard for men to cope with in themselves, never mind a wife. I had a new hip last year and had a waterproof dressing that I don't recall being changed, just removed when the time came.

Make sure you do your exercises and take any physio offered! The exercises are really worth it.

I would wait and see. It can sometimes be in someways easier to be the one HAVING the op than the one waiting for news.

Sometimes when you are the one having the op you are busy managing your recovery and it affects your onlooking loved ones more emotionally/mentally.

See how he is when the dust has settled

RomyP, what a sweet post! Sorry about your health problems. It must be difficult. All the best to you and your hubby (who does sound like a treasure).

I am male and have always said that mothers' expect of their daughters pretty much what they expect of themselves. However they tend to mother boys much more. As a consequence men are less independent than women. There are very noticeable exceptions to this, however as a general rule it seems to explain why ladies survive independently better than most men.

Post anaesthetic effects? Can take a considerable time to fully wear off

Oh of COURSE! If a man is LAZY (because you dont need to be TAUGHT common sense tasks!) it must be a WOMAN'S faul.... somehow...

P.s. didnt these men have fathers? If its all the parents fault (that decades after leaving home some men still havent bothered to "adult" then why isnt it their DAD'S fault hmm?

AnnS1
I am so sorry to hear of the trauma you are experiencing. It seems to be one thing after another! I am so impressed by how you coped with tying your dressing gown etc to reach your phone.
I am hoping that gradually day by day you are recovering. I am worried that in this situation you may start to do too much too soon.

It sounds as if sandwiches and tinned soup may be the easiest meals for your husband to cope with. Just take one thing at a time for the next week while you are immobile. You might be able to order the ready meals as suggested earlier (sorry if I look to see whose suggestion it was my message gets deleted!)
I would tackle the situation regarding your husband's ability when you are a little better yourself. Do one thing at a time. Concentrate on yourself for the next week. He may not have any impairments but could be reacting to your having been in hospital. Some husbands just can't cope when their wives are sick. They almost seem to go into denial of her illness/disability because they cannot bear it.

Get as much help as you can; get your daughter to fix up sandwiches or any other food. Ask the District Nurse or whoever comes to do your dressings about who can you get to help during this time. Make sure you tell them the situation at its worst. They will do nothing if you seem to be managing. Say you sat on the loo all night, did not eat all day... and neither did your husband who can't manage.... but get their help!

I do hope that your daily care improves immediately. As I said, address your concerns about your husband's mental state when you are better and can look after yourself. That is unless he does something extremely strange and obviously shows he does not know what he is doing.

Good luck, my love. I promise, you will get better! Every day will be a bit better, you've had a lousy time. Thank God the Surgeon was good - that's the most important thing! Your body will mend and you will be able to tackle everything else all in good time. Lots of love, Elle ?

I have read just recently that operations can affect the brain because of the anesthetic especially in older people.
It is quite possible that this is affecting your husband OP.

If he doesn't come to in a week or so you can ask your GP to check him over.

I am shocked by the number of husbands who lack survival skills. I know my male friends and family in their 60's are capable and willing to do domestic work. So did my own father who cooked wonderful meals when my mother was ill. He also was happy to clean and wash up though he draw a line at drying up for some reason.

absthame. It's true, everybody is different. My late husband was quite a capable cook. However when I was ill he just ignored me. When I was at home with a day old baby he went back to work and the Midwife almost put me back in hospital - I had a previous history of post-natal bleeding. He stepped over me when I collapsed with an allergic reaction to mussels and left our 8 year old to phone the Doctor. He refused to let the Doctor send me to Hospital because I was "needed to look after the children". I have many more, very painful examples. As far as depending upon my husband for my help or survival when I was ill, I might as well have asked a lettuce to look after me. Even though he could cook a meal for himself, it did not cross his mind to bring any food to me when I was too ill to get to the dining table. Being with him was actually more hazardous than being without him.

Only by osmosis pinkquartz it's the poster who has had the operation not her husband.

I agree with esspee maybe AnnS1's husband does things differently and possibly not as well as she does but that's not a big problem in the grand scheme of things. I drive my husband mad when I don't put things away tidily, he does the same when the washing is not sorted or done to my specifications. Sometimes you just have to let things go.

RomyP. You - like so many other G.netters - are lovely! ?

I have just had a knee operation on Weds which means wearing a knee brace & crutches...your husband is probably very scared as to what happened to you after your operation. Also, you can't expect him to do things your way My husband doesn't make the bed the way I do it but for now as I'm unable to do it myself I have to let it go.
You have to just chill out a bit..you've had a major operation which in time will be good but until then just let him get on with it

Thanks again, really interesting insights. Lots of sad stories. He is quite deaf but doesn’t think so, also needs an eye test. Think a few good sleeps will help both of us. Going to speak to him in a few days if things aren’t better. Just spoken to middle daughter who says he is always like that. And we are getting older which is scary. Jillybird yes that crossed my mind.