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Thoughts would be very welcome

(66 Posts)
AnnS1 Sun 11-Aug-19 07:23:15

Hip replacement last Monday out Thursday, reaction to meds, vomiting blood, now sorted, reaction to painkillers, terrifying nightmares so just taking over the counter stuff. Hospital wasn’t great, though surgeon was, nursing staff poor.
Anyway home now and mobility improving, not sleeping well, just out of sorts. This is the problem now, husband just doesn’t seem able to manage, literally have to write things down like you would for a child. Seems unable to locate or see things even when right in front of him. Honestly if I could do reach for things myself I would. He just seems totally clueless and so short tempered. I am beginning to wonder if he is ill. We have dogs so I obviously can’t walk them but I should be much more mobile in a few more days around the house. District nurse didn’t turn up yesterday so hopefully will tomorrow, dressing not been checked or changed. I will phone first thing to check. He is usually reasonably practical but just refuses to listen. Really worried. Daughters think I am exaggerating but I am not, any thoughts would be welcome not talking tidying up stuff or anything just common sense things.

Pantglas1 Sun 11-Aug-19 07:29:02

Maybe you being incapacitated has frightened him AnnS1! Had you noticed any signs before you had the op? Perhaps a little chat about how helpful he can be until you’re more mobile although it’s a bit like talking to a child isn’t it!

mumofmadboys Sun 11-Aug-19 07:41:30

Perhaps he has felt very stressed with you being incapacitated. Give it time and hopefully he will relax and be more capable. Wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery.

Shropshirelass Sun 11-Aug-19 07:42:30

Perhaps he was like this before but because you were more able you didn't notice, it has only shown up more now because you are having to rely on him. It's sounds as though he cannot cope very well and is getting frustrated because he knows, but it is only for a short time as you are slowly getting back on your feet. See how he is when you are able to do more but if you are still worried then speak to your GP. My husband is the same but I think it is the meds and his illness but he is driving me round the bend, he has changed such a lot but he knows and is frustrated too.

Daisymae Sun 11-Aug-19 07:42:57

Sorry to hear that you have been so unwell. I would wait until things are on a more even keel before jumping to any conclusions. It could be that he is just used to you doing most clthings and making the decisions. Concentrate on getting better and then see if his thinking and general cognitive ability seems impaired. That may be the time to seek medical advice. Hope you are up and about soon.

tanith Sun 11-Aug-19 07:43:36

I agree he sounds scared witless. Could it be he’s not used to being responsible for all the mundane things we women seem to do without even thinking about it and finds it a bit overwhelming?
I remember my husband not being able to carry out the simplest thing without detailed instructions occasionally when I had my hips done and incapacitated for a week or so and I was very frustrated and cross too which didn’t help things.

Maybe a quiet chat when you are both in a calm mood. See how things are when you are more mobile and if you are still worried then have a talk about a GP appointment.

absent Sun 11-Aug-19 08:06:05

One of my aunts was married to man who completely adored her and couldn't do enough to make her happy, from bouquets of flowers to breakfast in bed. What he couldn't do was cope with her being ill; it terrified him and he pretended her illness didn't exist. I have also encountered this attitude – if I pretend this illness, accident, injury hasn't happened, it will all be all right.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Aug-19 08:06:27

Have you always been the doer you say he’s normally practical but is that because your giving him the guidance ( I don’t mean in a bossy way) some people are organisers some aren’t Maybe he’s been more upset that you believe and is surprised and worried at his own inability making him annoyed with himself and a bit resentful at having to be told what to do
I think you haven’t realised how little he does do for himself but suddenlyb it’s obvious
You ll soon be up and running again Can you give him jobs he can do and have a laugh about the ones you can’t Leave anything that’s not totally necessary can you do stuff together peeling the spuds sorting the washing etc
You ll soon take the lead back again you ve BOTH had a shock

sodapop Sun 11-Aug-19 08:52:49

I agree with others that your husband is obviously very worried by your situation. You are in pain and uncomfortable, these things combined make small difficulties seem much worse. Try to relax a little, your husband will do too then hopefully.
I hope things improve soon AnnS1

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 11-Aug-19 08:57:39

So sorry for you, you must be feeling very down.

Those little things become big things when you're unwell.

Just try to take one day at a time.

I do hope you feel better soon. flowers

AnnS1 Sun 11-Aug-19 08:58:03

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. He is retired but does self employed stuff and great at that. He is now having a nap because I had to get him up during the night and got stuck on loo. Not funny but dropped my phone, we are sleeping opposite ends of the house at the moment, sat on loo seat couldn’t reach phone with sticks, called and called thought I would be there all night. Got the sticks tied together with dressing gown belt finally got phone over and rang him. Can’t wait to be back to normal and will see how he is.

Justme67 Sun 11-Aug-19 09:10:17

I had my hip operation -3 years ago after a fall in the garden, I wrote on Gransnet about it. At that time I did not know that the man I spent nearly every living hour of the day with had no idea how to turn on the gas hob, could not see the buttons on the microwave and the washing machine was an alien from outer space. How did he manage? I have no idea, my daughter thought he was coping, and visited a couple of times, making sure there was milk and bread, but my husband said nothing to her, and did not ask for help. When I came home from hospital I was once again doing everything, but then that was my fault, I had never bothered to ask him to help with things, so he had never bothered to learn. He is no longer with me, and I have no regrets whatsoever because life was as we had made it and we enjoyed it together.

Nortsat46 Sun 11-Aug-19 09:15:05

AnnSI so sorry to hear about the difficult time you have been having. Glad to hear you are making progress. Bad news that the district nurse didn't turn up to change your dressing.
I agree with others that your operation and recovery have probably really frightened your husband and made him feel and appear more vulnerable.
My partner was 'all at sea' when I was in hospital earlier in the year. He broke things, left a pan on the stove, fused the lights and did not seem to listen to clear instructions.
My advice (for what it's worth) is to wait until you are feeling a bit stronger (and he can see you're stronger) and then talk over how it felt for you and for him.
You have had a really challenging time, well done on making progress to recovery. Sending you good thoughts 💐

Teacheranne Sun 11-Aug-19 09:46:14

I went to visit a friend last week who has also had a recent hip replacement. Although it appeared to have gone better than yours, no reactions to medication or other complications, she was still at the stage of enforced idleness!

She made me laugh when she complained about her husbands incompetence with the gardening, a passion of hers. He was fine around the house provided that she gave him simple instructions but he had no idea what was a plant or a weed, why some pots needed watering even though it had rained during the day, how to hoe without damaging plants, which fruit was ripe for picking etc. After a period of heavy rain, she asked him to put down some slug pellets, he very carefully placed one pellet next to each plant! Apparently all he has ever done in the garden was mow the lawn.

In the end she sat on a chair by an open window and shouted instructions at him!

Obviously his lack of ability in the garden was not life threatening but it made her very frustrated and she is now planning to teach him some simple skills and they will work together in the garden in the future.

Luckygirl Sun 11-Aug-19 09:48:15

Get onto Tesco (or other well-known supermarket) online and order lots of ready meals. All he has to do is to read the instructions.

Hope your recovery starts to go more smoothly.

Xrgran Sun 11-Aug-19 10:17:04

I’m actually quite shocked to hear some of this!
I pet sit for an agency and go to many different types of homes, many very hi-tech. But I am expected to quickly learn how all of their appliances work put burglar alarms on and off and even drive their cars!
I often turn to you tube to work out how their hoovers or ovens work and have even done minor repairs.
I find it totally inconceivable that these men cannot even manage the simplest task! And presumably this fact has been clear for many years with no one attempting to correct it!

Your daughters must be very inconsiderate not to have talked very seriously to your husband about his lack of interest in taking any role in running your house.

ToadsMum Sun 11-Aug-19 10:22:49

I thought I was alone in having a husband who cares but cannot care. I had a major op last year requiring 6 weeks recuperation. Friends we’re brilliant in visiting with home made meals and so on. What came to light was that DH did not know what to do when it was just us. As long as I was in bed then that was what was needed. I had like AnnS to summon him when needing loo using phone but then he’d not hear it or not have it with him. No thought that I’d need a drink or just company. Also as having to lie on my back, difficulties in eating and drinking. But that he was worried and concerned was evident. If I asked or instructed it was done or provided. But he was in a state of panic and worry.
We have been able since to talk about it all as it looks as if this will all happen again. I have to reframe my expectations of physical care and let him know (even writing lists) of what I need and pointing out the obvious (bowl of soup when lying horizontally for example not a good idea).
Friend has a partner who is so competent and practical. She had an op recently and in a catch up text he said she was fine but he was lost. I think that’s it. They just can’t face the reality that sometimes we can’t be there.

Abuelana Sun 11-Aug-19 10:24:50

A THR is a major op and your body goes into shutdown. I’m normally open bubbly and active. After my hip operation I felt vulnerable - tearful - angry - its early days for your husband. Give him time.....
Probably not helping things if you’re not able to look after him or yourself properly.

Solonge Sun 11-Aug-19 10:37:00

I was lucky, I’m a nurse and was pretty determined to spend as little time as possible in hospital. The op went great, only painkillers offered were paracetamol. Had surgery Monday at 8am and self discharged next morning. Husband similarly useless...lucky for me we were in a small flat at the time. I could do cooking etc in our small galley kitchen...and no pets to walk. No kids nearby. I was very fortunate with surgery and recovery. Walking a mile within a fortnight and also driving by 3 weeks. I truly sympathise with you...having a husband who is normally passive and who relies on you is impossible if you are ill. My best friend died a few years ago and her husband needed hip replacements after her death, the daughter had to come in and do every single thing for him including showering him, doing the cooking, washing, cleaning for months. Since my hip replacement I’ve learnt a valuable lesson, I now take myself on holidays, driving through Spain, Ireland etc that he doesn’t want to do and he has to cope. We are often our own worse enemies by doing everything for our other halves. Maybe ask him to sit down and tell him what you have told us...let him see how it feels from your perspective. Hope you are better soon. X

Paperbackwriter Sun 11-Aug-19 10:37:32

I sometimes wonder if some men go straight from being their mother's precious baby boy to exactly the same situation in marriage. We are not born knowing how to cook or iron. When women talk of their husbands 'helping' (at least one on here somewhere) they are assuming that all domestic labour is essentially a woman's job and a man's input is optional and something to be pathetically grateful for. Drives me mad.
Having said that - I do feel sorry for your situation AnnS1 - he doesn't sound totally incapable, just upset and worried. But he does need a serious talking-to by both you (when you're feeling stronger) and your daughter. I hope your recovery is fast and successful and pain-free. If someone recommends hydrotherapy, do take it up - apparently it's brilliant for hip recovery.

AnnS1 Sun 11-Aug-19 10:47:26

Thanks again, sounds like he isn’t unique. Maybe he is in a sort of shocked state. Going to write itemised of small tasks to be done. An on line shop done for Tuesday. Other daughter was going to come today but told her no point as weather forecast bad and I am going to have a nap. Feel like I can’t concentrate either. Far worse than me as this is a temporary/spare part type of surgery.

nanny007 Sun 11-Aug-19 10:48:13

If his behaviour is new and has only occurred since the surgery you may wish to look up postoperative cognitive dysfunction or POCD. This can occur as a reaction to the anaesthetic and is not always spotted whilst in hospital. The Royal College of Anaesthesia have a leaflet...

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.rcoa.ac.uk/system/files/07-Confused2017.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjtmc2Ow_rjAhXUiFwKHXc2CxcQFjALegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw1gx2PfvJkuXAtE3WuOPM8I

Milly Sun 11-Aug-19 10:54:42

I am also recovering from hip replacement, mine as result of z fall, and have a Team of people called Home Pathway who come in daily and help with dressing and teaching me to walk again as s well as monitoring scar. Don't you have a ything like that? They would get meals too if needed but I have Wiltshire delivering once s week. Could you have Wiltshire for the time being. Don't do too much. Observe the hip restrictions or you'll be in more trouble. My Pathway people were set up by hospital. Which I have to say here in Farnborough Kent is a lovely friendly hospital, I'm sorry your experience wasn't as good.

driverann Sun 11-Aug-19 10:54:52

I wonder what type of anaesthetic he had for the operation. If he had a general anaesthetic then it could take at least six weeks or more to recovery. Hence the reason while patients should not drive for six weeks after an Op. Even if he had an a spinal injection an epidural patients are still sedated and can be disoriented. It takes time to recover from operations and it should never be underestimated.

glammanana Sun 11-Aug-19 10:57:37

AnnS1 I feel for you both he obviously is frightened and lost at what he should be doing after you doing everything around the home.
Can you arrange for care to come in for maybe a fortnight until you are stronger ? or have a member of family stay for a short while.
I am very lucky my OH is very hands on when it comes to the everyday running of the house even when I am 100% well he does the majority of chores/dog walking/meal prep etc he has always been good in the home and so have my sons in their homes.