Any advice about my mum

Thank you all so much, for years now I've ignored it all - I've been there for my mum as like I said she has had a bitter falling out with her sister and my nan so for many years I lost contact with my nan. It's been hard at times as my dad pointed out to me when I was younger that mum came first and I was second - something I have always excepted but I knew he would keep her behaviour in check but when he called it was like he was validating everything she has ever said.

Again Thank you all I've been going over everything again and again, I feel so guilty for not calling them, I know they will say I have stopped them seeing the children but they can call them anytime and arrange a visit but unless I call them they will not. I feel terrible and think people will think I am wicked for standing up to them but I have to put my children and partner first.

Oh and regarding my surname mum wanted the children to have their surname and hinted if we were to get married to keep my surname.

Thank you again for all your kind words of wisdom I truly appreciate it

My granny didn't want my mum and dad to marry ,but it was wartime and they got married when he had a 48 hour leave,in the manse of a (horror) protestant church .She continued to undermine him until my sister was school age and mum wanted to send her to a catholic school.It wasn't possible back then as she wasn't baptised catholic and to do that mum and dad had to remarry in a catholic church .So they did that and had both my sisters baptised at the same time
Granny did a 360 degree turn and all of a sudden he was lovely man .
I only have this story through my mum as it was before I was born.But granny came to live with us and she was there until she died when I was 18 .Maybe its as simple as the fact you're not married.Not that I think you should have to to keep them happy but it would make life simpler for them if they saw you had the same name .Ask them if thats the problem and let them know that he cant take the children nowadays simply because
he has the same name as them .Good luck with it all families can be a nightmare

Confused I can sympathise. My mother spread the most malicious lies about my DH although he had done far more for her than my brother or sister- including giving her a home. I don't give advice freely but I would try (I know!) to remain calm and tell your parents that you are getting Irish Passports for the children = and yourself if that's possible - because after Brexit it will make travelling so much easier for them! Which is perfectly true!

Excellent reply from M0nica. I was trying to think of a reply, but I think she has expressed it very well. I’m Irish/English, but live in Ireland. My husband is from India and one son lives in Sweden with Swedish partner and so we have 2 half Swedish grandchildren.

In our extended family, multi-national partnerships seem to be the norm, but in other families, it seems that there can be prejudice against those from other countries or cultures. Unfortunately it’s hard to change people, so only solution is to ignore. Also, get Irish passports for children - very popular these days ?

Your parents would most likely find something to object to whoever you married. Normal rational people just want their children to be happy but unfortunately there are also people who can’t bear to lose control and will go to any lengths to prove themselves right. My grandmother spent 25 years doing her utmost to destroy my parents marriage and the gloating that came about when she eventually succeeded was appalling. Keep your distance from these destructive people and focus on your lovely husband and children. Don’t let them sour your life!

Your partner is quite right, they do, either dislike him or dislike having children who are half Irish, but we choose our partners for ourselves and not for our parents and, while it is nice if families can all be friends together over generations, your problem is quite common.

My grandmother did not want my father to marry my mother. Both families were Irish/English and catholic, so where could the problem be? Well, my mother was pretty vivvacious, liked the theatre nd the arts and my grandmother did not trust women like that 'no better than she ought to be'. She didn't like me either - too much like her mother.

Then thing to do is accept that while your situation is uncomfortable, how your parents feel is irrelevant. You are with the man you love and have his children, your parents do not like it, that is their problem, not yours. Ignore it, build your life with your partner and children and getting on with his parents.

It may well be that once your parents realise, that you are happy with your partner and have given up worrying about their lack of approval, they will tone their reactions down. Currently you are a puppet on a string in their hands. Every time they are nasty, you get upset. They can keep thinking that one day you will leave your partner and come back to them because you respond to all their hostility by getting upset an trying to curry their favour.

My mother left my grandmother to her hostility and I did the same. It could be difficult, but in the end it was my grandmother who was the loser, not my mother or I, my mother had a happy marriage with a husband she loved and loved her and her family and as part of their family, it would have been nice for me to have had a grandmother who was less critical, but I could live with her unpleasantness.

Your reaction must be the same, it would be nice to be on good terms with your parents, but since they are so hostile to your partner and children, leave them to it. Enjoy your family life, get Irish passsports for your children and enjoy your family life. When we marry we separate from our parents and turn to our partners to form a new household.
You have never done this. Now is the time to gently tell your parents to get lost and stick to your partner and family.