Laziness

you could just guilt trip him ,by crying and telling him how disappointed you are in him.If all else fails that always worked with my daughter.By the way she is the tidiest person alive now even though she is bedridden much of the time by illness.We have the closest relationship too.So all the yelling and chucking out her favourite things didn't ruin our relationship.She does threaten her girls with me though as her last resort because she tells them daftgranny is old school and wont take nonsense ...lol

missadventure there is hope... when he leaves home My son was dreadful until he got his own home now he is a total minimalist with not a thing out of place anywhere, he married a lovely clean freak bit OCD girl 22 years ago she did what I couldn’t (can’t think what the difference was)
Oh life’s too short I think and it’s normal

Paddyann

I did a similar thing with one of my daughters when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I started chucking stuff out of the window, but as fast as I was throwing it out, her brother, who hated upset, was running down and bringing it back!

On a serious note, MissAdventure, you have my sympathy, I often have my grandchildren staying, two of them are here now, and I can’t bear the mess! But at least they go home, it must drive you around the bend.

My mother used to say "What did your last servant die of?"

And no you are not there to tidy up after him. Be firm. Have rules..

Best of luck.

When I think back, I was probably like him - my room got into an awful mess. Since having a whole house to keep in order, I have realised that I am sort of OCD. I need to know that I have a day or a half day free and can do the job from start to finish without interruption. Also, I need a plan, preferably written, which gives me a system to work to.

This may be his problem, but I may just be weird.

Firstly, though, he needs to want the place tidy. And he needs to learn to see that doing everything immediately takes far less time than letting it mount up.

Would he cope, for a start, with tiny little tasks? Ask him to sort the washing, but give him a time limit (not more than 5 minutes). Try to suppress the temptation to compare that use of his time with 5 mins spent watching TV or similar.

(This is probably more about me than him)

As I said, he must WANT to help you and clean up. Some brainwashing or bribing may be necessary at first.

He is growing out of childhood and wanting to become an adult, or will be soon. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he must behave like one.

If there is no way you can persuade him to change his ways, just live in hope that it is a phase that will pass.

He will learn from your example rather than anything you say, although it might take a while.

I remember my daughter aged 12 being like this. My DH went in her room and bagged everything into black bags and he dumped the lot, clothes/kindle no matter what he chucked it and refused to replace it. She is now the tidyist and most careful person I know aged 25. You have to do it OP he sounds very entitled and you are producing a shit husband for someone.

I remember telling DD1 that everything on the floor at the end of each day was going to be confiscated and she would have to pay to get things back. It worked!
I wish you luck!

Here’s what a friend of mine did. She bagged up all the flotsam and jetsam into black bags, mixing the contents; i.e not all sports stuff or dirty laundry together. Then put them under lock and key, and say nothing. When he asks, sell him back a bag at a time, say £1 or £2. If he doesn’t get the stuff he needs, he’ll need to buy another bag. After a certain period, off to the charity shop with the unsold bags.
Your house, your rules.

Oh, this needs sorting out NOW. Otherwise he'll try his lazy tricks with any future partners - and they'll blame you, not his 'I have servants to do all that' attitude.

Ma usually gets the blame, unfairly.

I remember my son being told to tidy his room. He gathered up a pile of clean, ironed clothes and threw them in the laundry basket. That was the last straw for me. Many years later he is a decent husband and dad. He does his fair share of housework and child care. Now I smile when he despairs about his children's untidy rooms.

Margs my dh did have "servants"...he was an expat for many years before I knew him and his employer provided accommodation complete with a housekeeper.

It's the way he used to expect his drawers and wardrobe to magically refil themselves with clean clothes, but strangely the dirty linen basket never contained anything of his (the floor however was knee deep). He soon learned!!

First of all, tell him that it is NOT your job to pick up after him and draw up a list of rules for him to follow about putting his clean clothes away and dirty clothes in the laundry bin , with punishments if he doesn't follow the rules.
For some reason, we seem to have a generation of children and young adults that either don't care or don't know about the consequences of their actions. IMO, it starts with things like this.
You could also point out to him that the time you spend clearing up after him means the less time that you have to take him out or do fun things with him and the cost of re washing clean clothes means you also have less money to take him out and buy him treats.
Whatever, stick to your guns ! He is at an age to turn round and say "I don't care" !

He might not be listening to you - but if he ends up at school one day without the right PE kit I guarantee he will be listening to his teachers. It only takes once or twice and he will get the message.

He is old enough at 11 to be responsible for his own "stuff" and if there are a few mistakes at the beginning they will be enough to encourage him to be more careful.

If his black socks aren't put in the wash by you, he won't have them. Consequences are his alone.

Read recently in the newspaper of the lady having the same problem and warned daughter if bedroom not tidied in 2 days the lot will be out in bin liners in the dust bin. The mother did just that and hey presto clean and tidy bedroom. You need to put your foot down. "But it your job to do it" what total nonsense at 11 he needs to have some sense of responsibility here, I can see his wife doing the same for him in so many years!

My dds - particularly in the teen years, and esp. dd1 - were terrible for messy bedrooms. Clothes never hung up,or,put away - they used the 'floordrobe'. Dh used to say that if we ever moved again they'd have no wardrobes or chests of drawers, there was no,point.

I would very occasionally have a massive blitz but mostly just shut the door on it - except for perhaps occasionally checking for bowls of Ready Brek dried on like cement, etc. Just couldn't be bothered to nag over and over.

I was never the tidiest person in the world myself, but nothing like them. Mind you, I never had a quarter of the clothes, or general 'stuff'.

My only 'revenge' was when one or other, usually dd1, would be frantically searching for whatever she needed NOW in all the mess - 'Have you seen my X?' (Aka can you help me find it.)
To which I would sweetly answer, 'No, I expect it's up there somewhere.' And stay put with whatever I was doing.

Once, after she was at uni, during the holidays she decided she badly needed some notes for an essay, left behind in Nottingham. (We live in SW London.)

So dh, daft softie that he is, drove her all the way to Nott. and back, only for her to find that the notes were somewhere under the piles of cr*p in her room anyway!!

She's a lot better now - apparently very organised at work, not quite so much at home, but with 2 very little ones and working nearly full time, there is at least some excuse!

Never mind children- I am still trying to get my DH to put things in linen basket & tidy his side of the bedroom. I refuse to go into his study other than to water the poor plant on window sill. You can't see the floor sometimes!
They don't necessarily grow out of it.

It is very common I’m afraid most do try it on, children these days have miles more than we ever did when we were young, of course it’s no excuse , it’s so much better to live where ,everything is set out nice, no sweet papers etc: clothes everywhere , I’m not keen on the it’s your job to do it attitude though, I would tell him you created the mess you clear it up

I do not understand why an 11 year old had to sort out clean from dirty clothes. surely you have a system for putting dirty clothes in a bin say in the bathroom and when you return clen clothes having laundered them do you not put then in the agreed place in his chest of drawers and his wardrobe. With all the stuff he needs and getting out every day with the right kit its clearly just too much for him at the moment. So when there is no problem explain the clothes cycle as it operates in your house. Explain how you deliver the clean clothes and how has to deliver the dirty clothes. Then tell him it is a partnership. then hi five him every time it works or give some other reward.

Oh, he has been told, in every way imaginable!

I've had the nice Nan chat "Look, we both have to live here, and if we just pick up after ourselves... blah blah..."
Nope!

I've run out of ways to punish, consequences, taking things away, leaving the mess, gritting my teeth and getting on with it, shouting, throwing away, removing privileges.

He is learning the joys of doing a hot white wash when he gets home today.

So sorry to here of your problems. I send my sympathy. There is some good advice here and lots of experience.

You could try pointing out that he is making things difficult for other people and he is old enough to realise that this is not a good attitude to establish. Praise every time he helps, puts something somewhere sensible and whenever there is none of his 'mess', i. e. when things are good - not only when he has compensated for a misdemeanour.

Then, if there is no improvement, try negotiating by hiding something DGS values (Xbox, mobile, ….) and not returning it till he has tidied his things. Give him a hug and return his valuable.

Warn him first that this is the new and permanent regime and then stick to your guns. Do not give in even if he throws a tantrum, pleads and dissolves into tears or threatens to stop loving you. Whatever you do, don't let it get to a shouting match or you become too upset. Just walk away and say you'll talk when he calms down.

Only start this if you are going to stick to it. If you give in things will get worse. He will eventually thank you for being strong and you can point out that he will be a much pleasanter and more valued housemate so the atmosphere will be calmer and happier for everyone.

Good luck!

He doesn't have to sort out clean from dirty, Emily.
He came in and dumped a pile of stuff on the table.
I asked him what it was and why it was there and he said it was needing to be washed.
I simply told him that in that case it needed to go in the washing bin.

He put it in; I sorted out a wash load and found that some of it hadn't even been worn.

Of course I have a system - its not being adhered to, which is what is driving me to distraction!

" It's your job!" I'm gobsmacked Miss A.
Where on earth did he pick up that attitude?
I'd be really tough Im afraid. No pocket money, no computer time, no going out and tell him these are privileges that have to be earned.
Be tough, be persistent. Don't shout, that's just exhausting but don't give an inch.
Good luck.
By the way, knowing they're all the same doesn't help. They all need tough love.

I have no idea where that attitude came from, and its what I find the hardest to deal with out of it all.

It really REALLY pushes my buttons (but I suspect that's the intention)

It must be a bit hard on an 11 year old to live in a flat with just Granny, even though Granny is obviously very loving and does her best for him. I think give him a bit of leeway because of that.

Some might need the love to be a little less tough.