Laziness

Dirty gym kit.

I remember a young relative of mine whose gym kit went mouldy - mum and dad could ill afford the cost of a new kit. He's a dad himself now, I wonder if he remembers that.

Sandigold it could be helpful to read the thread.

MissA you're doing a sterling job.
That's interesting about frontal lobe development. Whatever the expert views it comes down to the fact that it is an awkward age, and from our present experience more for boys than girls, without added sensitivities.

MissAdventure It might be worth looking into the situation at school to see if they have lockers.

Students here simply don't carry that amount of stuff around, or keep it at home as you gs seems to do.

They keep it all in coded lockers at school.

Of course they bring home dirty gym kit - but at 11 he's surely old enough to be taught how to use the washing machine?

'And while you're at it love, just put these few things through for Granny.'

I too think you are doing a great job, I think you have to pick your battles to some extent, but I agree, I just couldn’t bear the mess, It would really drive me nuts!

Could you bear to let him do whatever he wants in his own room, wash your hands of it, but absolutely insist that common space is tidy, eventually, he might even decide to clean up.

Washing is trickier, he obviously has to go to school clean and tidy, so it’s got to be put in the washing machine by somebody!

Honestly though, he’s still only a little boy, whose had a very difficult time, and so have you I’d imagine, be nice to each other.

Thank you, that's also a good suggestion.
I know all of these things, but I think I we get so far away from being sensible that its difficult to see sense.

I would suggest reward rather than punishment and anger. Is there a treat he'd like..maybe he needs 100 points to get it. 1 point per tidy..10 per room and surprise points for tidying as he goes and doing things before being asked

You are doing an amazing job, I am sure he is doing his best too. Good luck to both of you.

luved awsy lived away

I have every sympathy but he's still only a child, albeit a child on the cusp of puberty.
I did absolutely everything for mine because I, unlike many working mums, was able to stay at home.
Still, they did have job, paper deliveries for the boys and magazine drops for the girls but to be honest, I used to do it for them when it rained.
When they started work and luved awsy from home at 16, they learned (by trial and error?) how to launder, cook, clean
and budget their money.
When they married their wives never got a look in. The (now) men do it so much better.
There was never any need to teach or cajole them but not all males are the same...thank goodness.
I think MissAdventure is doing a sterling job under difficult circumstances but the boy will be a man soon enough. Enjoy your children/grandchildren while you can.

Not yet, but that's mainly because I don't know how.

He will do what I ask, if I stand over him, and after much arguing, its just that it's exhausting, and I feel worn out with it, all the time, about everything.

MissA, I feel your frustration, it’s so hard!

Have you tried changing the WiFi password until the room is clean? I see that recommended a lot

I agree with Carly and Ooeysit. Please don't fret too much over this MissA. You have a difficult job, and one by all accounts one which you didn't expect, but are doing conscientiously.

Children change, he is young, but he will mature and won't necessarily always be lazy or untidy.

What will endure is the security and love which you give him.

Take away something he really wants/needs/values and tell him he can have it back when he clears up his mess and that he must continue to do so in future.

Get tough. be 'nasty'.

If that doesn't work, take the WiFi hub away until it does.

I lied.

His bedroom was not tidy, just saw it.

At 11 he is still a child and I 5h8 k it’s a bit much to expect him to sort out washing . He has obviously suffered some trauma if he is not living with his parents .Personally and I do have a grandson this age who stays for a holiday each year I would just look after him he is still a child who needs a lot of love .i felt upset when I read this .He wont always be a child .

Sorry, I don't have an immediate answer but the solution seems to happen by magic when they move out and get their own place!

I just picked up piles of cushions from the floor and arranged them nicely on the sofas, now notice they're all on the floor again along with some throws, visitors expected in a few minutes, grrr.
His bedroom is tidy though and he's emptied the bins, fed the dogs and the chooks.
Every cloud etc.

So much good advice here! Just want to support the idea of positive reinforcement - look for ANY opportunity to praise him. If he does anything at all around the house - thank him (but don't do what a friend of mine did with her son in front of me which was "well, that's a nice thing to do - why can't you do that all the time?" thus both praising and criticising at the same time! The criticism always negates the praise).

Reminds me of my own son. When he couldn’t be bothered to put his clean clothes away, dh threatened him that if he didn’t do so he would put them all back in the wash!!! .

As you can probably guess that wasn’t much good as a threat.

We did do the hot white wash, anyway, and he stripped off his quilt cover, then I wrestled on a clean one.

Peace is restored... for now.
All quiet and tidy.

My son (now 42) went on holiday with a friend when he was 18. His room was always an absolute pigsty so I rarely entered. 3 months later I encountered his unpacked suitcase full of wet towels and clothes which had rotted away (don’t ask about the smell!). “I hadn’t got round to unpacking and anyway, I’ll just throw everything away and buy new stuff”. Some of it was designer ??. 5 years later he’d moved out and became the tidiest and cleanest person imaginable.

Don’t give up but keep on top of it.

This is a difficult time for your grandson even if he hadn't lost his mother and all that goes with that. Years 7 and 8 are often turbulent especially as testosterone is starting rear its ugly head. Maybe working out what jobs each of you should be doing could dispel that idea that everything is "your" job. Working together picking up stuff and sorting washing is so much nicer than having to do it on your own. I let my kids have their room how they wanted it. If you couldn't see the carpet, that was their problem but I did expect them to pick up their stuff from around the house. If they didn't, I opened their bedroom doors and just hurled the stuff in. Caused a few arguments but hey ho, that was their problem, not mine.

You've still got that little boy. He loves you even if he doesn't always show it.

MissAdventure

I haven't really got anyone to support me.
I wish I still had my mum.

Dear me. Sounds like you both deserve a great big hug. I hope you are not coping with this alone and both have a great deal of support.