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Absent grandchildren

(27 Posts)
Nannykaggy Thu 10-Oct-19 21:25:45

My son met a girl and accidentally they became parents very quickly. They had twins. The problems I have is they are over an hours drive away. Their mum doesn’t seem to want me in their lives as much as I’d like to be. The twins are 6 months old and I have only seen them 5 times, not through lack of trying. The trouble is her mum was a drug addict so she virtually brought herself up and has been on her own so long I think she finds it hard to accept family. I come from a very close family and I’m finding it so difficult. Does anyone else struggle with not seeing their grandchildren as much as they want?

sodapop Thu 10-Oct-19 21:52:54

It's very early days Nannykaggy sounds like your son and his partner need time to bond as a family with their twins. Your families are very different so don't try to rush things even with the best of motives.
Congratulations on your new grandchildren.

BradfordLass72 Fri 11-Oct-19 06:25:16

Twins are a handful even for an experienced Mum but this relationship is very new and the parents haven't really had time to get to know each other, let alone include you in the circle.

Also, as you point out, your son's girl hasn't had a good mothering role model, so your good-heartedness is not something she's used to and may well be wary about.

As sodapop says, give it time.
Just tell them you are there if you're needed - and just hang fire until they sort out their very differnt and unexpected ly new lives!

Daisymae Fri 11-Oct-19 09:21:59

Well I would say that if you are seeing them once a month then that's fine. It's a question of fittinginwith their lives. So I would concentrate on establishing a good relationship with your son and his partner and let things evolve naturally. If you push the she is likely to shy away. Equally if they split up then she is likely to keep the children so while things are not as you would like them to be there is no choice but to go with the flo.

Gonegirl Fri 11-Oct-19 09:32:47

It's not "early days"! They're six months old! hmm

Of course she wants to see them more often than that.

Do you offer to be the one to drive to them Nannykaggy? Loading up twins with all their baggage must be off-putting.

Apart from that, it's more selfishness on the part of the younger generation.

Anja Fri 11-Oct-19 10:35:04

Make sure, when you do see your grandchildren, that you acknowledge their mother and compliment her in the good work she is doing.

That way you might help her build her confidence in herself and in you. Be kind, be generous, give her praise.

Chestnut Fri 11-Oct-19 10:38:37

Apart from that, it's more selfishness on the part of the younger generation.
Steady on, Gonegirl, these two are new parents struggling with twins. I agree with previous posters, don't push them, let them know you're there for them and let the relationship with you grow. Always be friendly and loving, never complain about not seeing them enough, and never give them forced advice. You don't want to appear interfering or moaning! Good luck with building a bond with them.

EllanVannin Fri 11-Oct-19 10:50:14

You'll be needed at some point as twins are a handful particularly as they get older and develop their own characters. Being a GGM of twins I know only too well how taxing it can be for young parents. My GD was 23 at the time she had her twins, both tiny and very demanding and more so as they grew.
Sooner or later your help will be welcomed, give it time.

wildswan16 Fri 11-Oct-19 11:25:30

Seeing them once a month is perfectly acceptable. Their mum is a first-time mum, with two babies. You are, in reality, a stranger to her. She is most likely lacking in confidence about building relationships.

Just accept what is offered to you. Don't try and push yourself into their lives. Not everyone is used to close family ties and it can feel very intrusive to them.

Summerlove Sat 12-Oct-19 13:54:56

I’m sure it’s very hard not seeing your son and his Family as much as you’d like.

However, all you can do is offer.

Where is your son in all this? DIL is likely overwhelmed and learning to parent. She and your son are also learning how their relationship works with children.

Give her time, Be kind, don’t guilt them.

They’ve had a lot to deal with the last 15 months, the last thing they need to worry about is other people’s feelings

Summerlove Sat 12-Oct-19 13:56:11

Ellen, not everyone wants help, even when things are hard.

I find that advice just sets up expectations and hurt when people aren’t asked for help later.

grapefruitpip Sat 12-Oct-19 15:19:35

I would think if the young woman comes from a troubled back ground, had addiction issues,was in a newish relationship and had twins.......her head must be spinning!

I would have a chat and say something along the lines of " I am here to offer you unconditional support, please text me if you would like anything".

grapefruitpip Sat 12-Oct-19 15:22:00

Not quite sure how this translates into selfishness?

Gonegirl Sat 12-Oct-19 16:44:58

I am here to offer you unconditional support

Wouldn't that make her wonder what dreadful crime she had committed?

Gonegirl Sat 12-Oct-19 16:45:36

Perhaps something a little less formal.

grapefruitpip Sat 12-Oct-19 16:47:17

I don't care. You seem determined to argue about just about anything with just about anybody ,so never mind.

OP, hope you find a solution that suits you all.

Gonegirl Sat 12-Oct-19 16:49:51

Won't bother to answer your question grapefruitpip.

Answer too obvious.

Gonegirl Sat 12-Oct-19 16:50:30

No. Not anybody. Just some.

Gonegirl Sat 12-Oct-19 16:52:28

I don't think the mum of twins had addiction problems. Think it was her mother who did.

Summerlove Sat 12-Oct-19 17:39:45

I don’t quite understand the selfish comment either.
I can only assume it’s to do with not sharing children with the extended family.

But I know Gonegirl has said she’ll always side with the older generation no matter what

welbeck Sat 12-Oct-19 18:19:31

I agree with wildswan..
don't push the mother or you will alienate her.
people have different experiences of mothering, however well-intentioned I think it is for you to fit in with them, not the other way round. they are the parents. the children are not a toy that you are being deprived of. selfishness does not come into it. It needs respect towards them, restraint.
5 times in 6 mths sounds ok to me, esp as it's an hour's drive.

Nannykaggy Sun 13-Oct-19 09:22:29

Thanks all. I can promise you I’m not pushy, and would never offer advice as we all do things our own way. I do tell mum she’s amazing. I suppose with my other grandchildren I see them a lot and we have an amazing bond so it just scares me I won’t get the same bond with the twins. It surprised and saddened me that some of you chose to argue about my question. Thanks to all who gave useful, supportive advice.

grapefruitpip Sun 13-Oct-19 09:40:03

Well the mum is very lucky to have you. Maybe try not to compare with other GC?
I'm sure you will find a niche with them soon.

Madgran77 Sun 13-Oct-19 11:08:42

Hi Nannykaggy As your sons partner had a difficult upbringing she may not really "get" family! I think gentle ways of making yourself useful are good but do be prepared that she might misinterpret your reasons very easily. What you see as just normal family help and time (eg taking a cake, offering to change a nappy, take for a walk, inviting to a meal, baby sitting) might be seen as usurping her "safe space" in her little family! This is hard to understand I think and can be very painful for GPs in this position. Over time some can grow a close relationship but for some acceptance of what is not what they pictured or expected is all that can be done. That is really hard!! Good luck

Summerlove Sun 13-Oct-19 12:54:47

Just give it time OP.

You will naturally have a different relationship with different grandchildren. Your relationship with each twin will be different too.

Just give it time. It sounds like you’ve had a great (if slow to your mind) start. flowers