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Ladies who like to be driven to places - why?

(138 Posts)
mrsnonsmoker Fri 25-Oct-19 13:11:37

If you can drive, are you happy to? I love driving, I don't mind giving lifts at all, but I have some friends various ages 50s to late 60s who will do anything to get out of driving.

In fact one - let call her Margaret - goes even further and chooses her friends based on their willingness to drive her to places. I don't mean places she needs to go, she's not after a lift to the doctors - recently she befriended a woman as the lady offered to give her a lift home once and now she goes everywhere with her. Its not a friendship, once they arrive Margaret abandons her and goes shopping on her own. (Margaret can drive and has a car).

Is this a thing? I'm 60, should I now start saying ooh I wish I had a lift?! Sometimes my husband drives and Margaret literally explodes, she told me recently that I only stay with him as he gives me "lifts"!! She is widowed, but her late husband didn't drive so nothing has changed. She constantly talks about getting people to take her out for a "nice drive". She often arranges things, cancels last minute citing traffic and then sits back and waits for people to offer to come and get her.

Am I being unkind not understanding this?

SpringyChicken Fri 25-Oct-19 13:42:48

How shortsighted of "Margaret" to not use her driving skills. I don't particularly like driving but do to keep my hand in.

Dee1012 Fri 25-Oct-19 13:50:02

Strangely enough, this topic cropped up in a conversation I had with a work colleague recently.
He's been on his own for a number of year's and has taken the plunge into online dating.
He said that the first thing he's asked is usually "do you drive and/or do you have a car".
We don't live in a rural area and are actually quite well served with public transport....I can only think it's to be driven around!!

MiniMoon Fri 25-Oct-19 13:59:21

I still drive. I think it's important to keep it up, as you never know when an emergency might arise and you need the car.
I will confess that driving at night worried me a little. I have cataracts growing, and headlights and road signs are glaring more than they used to. I'm okay on roads I k ow well, but prefer not to drive in the dark if we are going somewhere unfamiliar.
Use it, or lose it!

Jane10 Fri 25-Oct-19 13:59:59

I drive and have a car but always prefer if DH drives. This is because he's a nightmare passenger, tutting and generally criticising my driving skills, lane choice, route etc etc.
Irritatingly, he's a very good driver indeed (prizes galore for sprinting and hill climbing etc) and has a much nicer car than mine.
I prefer it if DD drives too as she's more confident of finding parking spaces and generally toughing it out in rush hour traffic.
I lost a lot of confidence in my driving after enforced inability to drive after both knee replacements. Prior to that I'd happily driven all over the country.

TerriBull Fri 25-Oct-19 14:26:12

I drive but prefer to be driven which works well for us husband suffers from motion sickness something his daughter and our son has inherited, twisty roads, stopping and starting are hell for them. In any case I tend to do short journeys these days.

janeainsworth Fri 25-Oct-19 14:32:02

MrA is the same jane10.
I quite like driving by myself (especially when I had an MX5) but not with him accompanying me!

Scribbles Fri 25-Oct-19 14:35:12

I haven't driven for years because I have no confidence in my own abilities and find it much too stressful. My OH does enjoy driving and often offers lifts to where I want to go which I sometimes accept. However, I've never wanted to see him or anyone else as my personal taxi service and, as it was my decision to stop driving, I consider it my responsibility to arrange my own travel by bus, foot, train or taxi.

In my view, the behaviour of "Margaret" is reprehensible and maybe she needs to re-think her attitude before her friends lose patience and start drifting away.

Hetty58 Fri 25-Oct-19 14:37:45

A female relative has recently become very reluctant to drive. She's only in her mid sixties but seems to have lost all confidence with going anywhere beyond 'local' or parking in spaces not big enough for a bus! I wonder if she feels that her reactions have become slower?

Daisymae Fri 25-Oct-19 14:38:03

I drive everywhere. Long, short distance you name it. I think perhaps that your friend has lost her confidence, or perhaps she is having problems with her vision. It's very restricting when you have to wait around for lifts. But then again parking in a pain in the rear end! Bit much of her to say that you only stay with your husband so that he can drive - makes you wonder if there's something more going on here??

tanith Fri 25-Oct-19 14:48:24

I too drive everywhere I like driving. Don’t mind giving lifts but I won’t be taken advantage of. It’s all a matter of losing confidence I suppose, if there sight issues then of course people should give up driving.

mrsnonsmoker Fri 25-Oct-19 14:48:44

Hetty58 yes, she must have lost some confidence, I can understand that, but she won't admit it. She'll never say to me 'I'd love to go to x place, would you like that too? I know it'll mean you driving but it would be so nice" The other day I took my partially sighted relative in his 70s to a restaurant for his birthday and the attitude was well you took him out but you never take me! But that's my relative and we had arranged a family lunch!!

And also she'd never said she'd like to go to the restaurant; its a long drive so it has to be a mutual decision based on a conversation like "shall we go to x it would be lovely". She seems to think that she has to wait for me to offer to take her somewhere "nice". If we are going out she normally chooses a local coffee shop, never anywhere decent, then she gets annoyed if I go somewhere with other people! So yes Daisymae there's more to this than meets the eye I think so too. sad

janeainsworth Fri 25-Oct-19 15:02:30

Why do you want to be friends with this woman?
She’s manipulating you, but I suspect you’re enjoying it.

Hetty58 Fri 25-Oct-19 15:18:36

Sometimes we just have to accept people with all their foibles. Maybe you'll just have to offer sometimes and you'll never find out exactly why she's like that. I used to work with a woman who'd driven for years but stopped when she had a minor crash - due to a 'blank moment' - and was too scared to drive again.

Lyndiloo Fri 25-Oct-19 15:26:22

My husband and I have been retired for 12 years, since when, he has done most of the driving. (We both have cars.) I do wish I hadn't let him, as I have now lost all confidence and rarely drive anywhere.

Got to get my mojo back! I've thought of driving, just locally, every day to ease myself back into it.

Any other ideas ...?

M0nica Fri 25-Oct-19 15:28:29

There were some statistics published recently that showed that older women were some twice or three times more likely to have accidents when driving than similar aged men.

It was put down to the tendency for men to take over the driving seat once they retire and for women to drive much less. This undermines women's confidence in their driving, they get out of practice and when they become widowed (if they do), they are very rusty when they need to start driving further than just immediately locally.

We have set out to make that never happens to me. We both share the driving on longer journeys and recently I have driven to York, and back, driven from North Wales to Oxford in pouring rain on narrow windy roads and this last weekend went to France and back for four days with DD and a friend, where I did all the driving.

This pattern of driving meant that when DH was advised not to drive for two months for medical reasons this summer, I was able to take over all our driving without batting an eyelid (or having any accidents).

Grannybags Fri 25-Oct-19 15:34:36

I will drive anything, anywhere.

I am not very good at not being in control in a car so I tell my husband he is much better at navigating than I am so I get to drive most of the time!

I am 67

Greyduster Fri 25-Oct-19 15:36:23

I only drive if I have to. When I worked I was happy to drive anywhere, for myself and for the firm, but after I retired I had a nasty near miss on a motorway that shook me to the core, and have never driven a motorway since. I’m not even a good passenger on motorways. DH loves to drive so it is not a hardship and, if there came a time when he couldn’t drive I expect I would step up to the plate.

Feelingmyage55 Fri 25-Oct-19 15:38:02

I like driving but often take turns with friends, therefore if I drive she pays and vice versa. Does your friend treat you at the coffee shop? Would you feel better if she paid for lunch as you are driving and paying for petrol? She would be showing appreciation and you would not feel being taken advantage of.

sodapop Fri 25-Oct-19 15:45:06

This lady sounds like she is taking things to extremes. Is there some underlying cause, I would be concerned about this being such a focus in her life.
I hate cooking so my husband does it all at home, we all have our idiosyncrasies I think. Your friend seems to use this as a means of controlling things mrsnonsmoker and to have friends with her..

mrsnonsmoker Fri 25-Oct-19 15:50:43

janeainsworth - blimey that's a bit of a leap isn't it?!

Sometimes we just have to accept people with all their foibles. - Hetty58 is right - that's why I am friends with her because she has some great qualities and we have a laugh together, but I can't understand the driving thing.

Feelingmyage55 I'd never accept anything, no she doesn't offer but that's not the issue. Unless its a very long journey indeed I prefer if people don't offer petrol etc, but those offers are of course very kind.

So most people here are saying, like me, that they do drive and many prefer to drive, or if they cant they wished they could - its definitely the independence it gives you that is so important. I think its just Mararet's "thing" then. I'm afraid it will have to remain her "thing" as I'm not going to start offering days out - its not a coach service! grin But if she wanted to arrange something special, other than coffee at the local supermarket cafe, then I'd be happy to agree a date etc and of course I would drive so that we could enjoy it together.

Hm999 Fri 25-Oct-19 16:10:19

I don't know if it's my irritation at women who say that they need their husband to take them to the shops, but I worry about some women will do when they (statistically speaking) outlive their husbands, or he becomes incapacitated in some way, temporarily or permanently. Driving is a skill that needs practising at least occasionally.

newnanny Fri 25-Oct-19 16:20:17

I don't mind shorter journeys of up to half an hour but the longer three or four hour journeys hurt my back now. Unfortunately as my dh is waiting for brain surgery and cannot drive anywhere i have to do all of the driving and I hate it, especially in busy traffic or when it is dark.

Pantglas2 Fri 25-Oct-19 16:21:51

Well said Hm999 - I don’t understand some women’s need to restrict themselves which is what refusing to drive does.

Nellie098 Fri 25-Oct-19 16:34:27

Well Margaret has it all worked out and those that dance to her tune have only themselves to blame. Perhaps her real problem is that she needs to feel wanted and thinks this is the way to do it. She may well have lost her confidence driving and is afraid to tell anyone. Perhaps her eyesight has deteriorated but she doesn't want to say so as she would have to face up to it.
I know that I don't like driving but do locally and further if I have planned my route. It's not so much the driving but trying to park somewhere. If I can I will go on the bus as I have a bus pass and also it is more of a day out and I am not in a hurry to get home.
I have a friend who loves to drive so when we meet once a month I pay for coffee and cake in lieu of his time and petrol.
I also like to make my DH drive when we go out for a meal so that his drinking is severely restricted and my night at least is therefore enjoyable!