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Just me?

(39 Posts)
Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 12:16:24

I have spoken before about my adult children and my focus on them, but - is it just me? I long for the day (even just one) when either of my offspring are just 'generally ok.' I hear people talking about their adult children (yes, he's doing ok/she's thinking of having a baby/yes...doing ok/etc. and I think, what did I do wrong? Mine are alway unhappy/unsettled/got a health worry/hair loss! - something. Neither can find a partner, let alone have children or allow me the comfort of knowing they have someone to share things with. I long for one day when they call to say 'yeah, all good,' or just something positive. Or is it my problem? I have a friend who says. 'Oh, I don't worry, not my problem anymore, I've got my life back.' I know I should do that, but I can't. Unless they are ok, I can't be. Now again today I am wracked with anxiety and sadness over them, and tired of it. Anyone else? Are yours all ok and doing fine? Or does it just look that way? I won't be around forever like all of us, and I wish I could fix things. I have always suffered from anxiety, and find it hard to disengage, as if it was my responsibility, or my own happiness is impossible without theirs.

Sorry to bore, but otherwise, its just me talking to myself.

Jaycee5 Wed 30-Oct-19 12:28:37

Maybe it is just that they see you as a shoulder to cry on and only contact you when things are going wrong.
I started a journal as a youngster as many people do, but gave it up when I realised that I was only writing in it when unhappy and it was just a misery fest.
What do they do when things are going well? Do you ever contact them and just suggest doing something fun?
Or maybe things are genuinely difficult for them. I do think that life is more difficult for some people than others but you have to find a way to relax and enjoy your own life.
I have an anxiety disorder and it is difficult. The only thing that works for me is to try to avoid things that make me anxious. I find St.John's Wort helps but I don't take it very often now. Read up on relaxation techniques and try as many as you can over, say, a month and then work out a programme that helps. For that month, put yourself first and not doing that has become a habit.
It is natural to be worried about your children but you know that it doesn't really help any of you so you have to catch yourself when you find yourself doing it, take a deep breath, count downwards slowly from 10 to 1 and carry on with the things you can affect.

Calendargirl Wed 30-Oct-19 12:30:40

It’s said that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, and I think most mums would agree with that.
We all worry about them, rejoice in the good times and fret about the bad.
Don’t know how to advise about yours I’m afraid.
All you can do is be there offering support, encouragement, love, but if they are adults, they need to try and help themselves more perhaps. Sometimes we need to stand back and let them find their own way.

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 12:34:57

Thanks for responding. Yes. I will try that. It just seems relentless sometimes.

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 12:35:57

Yes. I should try and find a way to stand back more. It's as if there are two problems here. Theirs, and mine.

ayse Wed 30-Oct-19 13:09:38

Pollyj, you are not alone. The last 10 years have been full of disintegrating relationships, divorce, struggles over a will, depression and anxiety etc. I try to support my children through all their struggles even though mental health issues have followed me for much of my life.

I wouldn’t be happy with myself if I didn’t listen and give what my mum called moral support. I feel privileged that my children trust me enough to talk to me about all their challenges.

Life is not an easy ride for some of us and I can only suggest that you do what you feel is right for you. I’ve found that I manage by trying to switch off between phone calls by doing Pilates, Zumba and handicrafts. Focusing your mind on activity that needs concentration is a great way of giving yourself a bit of a break.

We are all different. As a parent, we may not be able to fix things. I hope that soon life for you will be more restful. Good luck and well done

annep1 Wed 30-Oct-19 13:12:13

Perhaps you are too willing to listen and be sympathetic. Try moaning a bit yourself!

Doodle Wed 30-Oct-19 13:19:37

pollyj I think it is an illusion that everyone else is ok. Most people say OK as a matter of course when asked a question. My family, like most, have ups and downs. We all have worries. Try and occupy your mind with other things.

MissAdventure Wed 30-Oct-19 13:27:18

Have you thought of a gratitude diary?

You're supposed to think of one thing that you have to be grateful for, each day, and write it down.

Its supposed to help, but I've never tried it, at least not on paper.

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 14:24:27

Thanks, Ayse. Just having someone where to let off steam helps.

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 14:24:59

Ha. Yes. I do tend to keep that to myself.

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 14:25:30

Thank you. You are probably right.

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 14:26:15

I've heard this, and there are many things I am grateful for. When you think about it, just getting up in the morning and not having x, y or z to worry about should be enough.

Gemini1789 Wed 30-Oct-19 14:38:01

You didn’t bore me. I could have written that post myself.
I think that as a mum you just want to kiss it better and that isn’t always possible. It’s so frustrating when there’s nothing you can do.

boodymum67 Wed 30-Oct-19 14:41:43

Hi, I think the vast majority of parents worry about their grown up children till the day they slip off this mortal coil.

Over the years, my 2 girls have fallen in and out of love, married and discovered they made a mistake and we`ve helped out when we could...

But hard as it is, we HAVE to step back a bit....let them try to sort their problems out..for the sake of our own sanity.

maybe they play on your anxieties.

annep1 Wed 30-Oct-19 15:24:27

Boodymum67 not just for our own sanity, but so that they learn to cope without us. We won't always be here for them. And we may need them to be there for us at some stage.

mumofmadboys Wed 30-Oct-19 16:28:39

A friend was only saying on the phone this morning that she is always worrying about her children. I am the same. We have 5 and there always seems to be something to worry about,for 2 or 3 of them! Who would be a mum!!

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 16:31:06

Yes. That is something I really need to do. Learn how not to let it take me over. Been down all day, and how does that help anyone?

Pollyj Wed 30-Oct-19 16:31:44

Well, at least it isn't just me. I seem to be surrounded by people who never report any issues in particular.

Calendargirl Wed 30-Oct-19 16:31:52

I don’t think men worry about their grown up children as much as we mums.

52bright Wed 30-Oct-19 16:58:11

I don't think everybody who says things are totally ok always really means that everything is. Some people are just more open about family problems than others.

M0nica Wed 30-Oct-19 17:05:19

Pollyj. I ask this question kindly. Are you a bit of down in the mouth person? Expecting the worse and never being disappointed. Your children could just learning from example.

You do not say how old your children are. My DS didn't marry until his mid 30s and was nearly 40 before he became a father. DD has quite consciously decided to neither marry or have children. And at least your problems are fairly minor.

We once had all the news. DD had been seriously injured in a car accident (not her fault). For 5 years we reported her progress each year, Now life is back to normal, she has a minor diability but manages to get on with life. News you can really dowithout. and we do not have much to report at the moment

GrannySomerset Wed 30-Oct-19 17:18:24

One definition of a bore is someone who, when asked how they are, actually tell you! So people who say things are fine are just choosing not to go into detail and bore the listener. I don’t believe anyone is fine all the time, we just choose very carefully who we share things with.

annep1 Wed 30-Oct-19 17:22:34

Monica might have a point. Perhaps if you are upbeat and positive in the conversation it might take a different direction and you might all end up more cheerful.

petra Wed 30-Oct-19 17:39:14

I never worry about the children's problems, maybe concerned. But as MOnica asked: are you an upbeat person.

One of the daughters often phones with a concern ( she's not a worrier) or rant about something. I let her rant on and then say: "Well, let's look on the bright side" and come out with one of my dark humour quips. That always has her laughing.