Feeling adrift

Luckygirl your DDs may feel there is safety in numbers and certainly visiting, whether NH or hospital is easier with others, but they also need to be prepared to stagger their visits to help you out.
The phone is a mixed blessing, is it not?
As for your DH’s case being hammered out in his presence, can you put your foot very firmly down and insist on privacy?
Glad the [glowers] made you smile - what my father used to refer to as “unconscious humour”
Real this time.

Agreeing with everything which has been said. Hygge and a new book about the Danish art of doing nothing should be your guide at the moment. A suggestion for later on how about taking in a foreign student short term. £115 per week might ease things short term and give a newer focus.but take care of yourself and stop the self reproaches.

How I can relate to feeling adrift! I was full time career to my DH for many years. He had dementia, Parkinsons and more recently heart failure and he died peacefully three and a half months ago, having been admitted to hospital less than twelve hours before. He was not an easy patient but we loved each other dearly and I never realised just how much I loved looking after his every need. - not that I appreciated it at the time! I miss that role so much, my days seem so pointless at the moment, but I know he would want me to be happy and get on with living a full life but it is so difficult right now but I am determined to get there. I would say be patient with yourself, take your time adjusting and I am going to do some voluntary befriending work to try to fill the gap and put some purpose back into my existence. Best of luck Lucky, I am thinking of you xxxx

I am just having to put my mother in a home, and it’s all very strange. I’ve been in this situation a couple of times where your role ends or changes and you suddenly feel adrift and as if you just don’t know what you should be doing any more. You expect to find relief and even some freedom, but remember, however hard it’s been, that was your purpose in life. Your ‘raison d’etre’ so to speak. You will feel like this, for a good while, so try not to worry about that. Be patient and calm about it. Be nice to yourself. In time you will adjust to a new, different way.

Luckygirl - what is actually happening with you just now is that you are grieving for the identity you have lost, unwelcome though it may have been, all that is entailed in caring for any person in the way you have cared for your OH, defines you for the period you are in that role. Your own priorities are sidelined, although it's probably fair to say that caring for your OH was your priority. As a bereavement counsellor I can confirm that you are by no means alone in feeling the loss of all this activity in your life, and it will take time. All the entreaties from people to 'get on with your own life' now are simple not useful because you're not ready to do that. I can only say take things slowly, procrastinate if that's what you feel like doing, make a list of the main things you missed doing and gradually chip away at it. You may well find that some of the things you imagined and wanted to do when your OH was at home, are no longer important to you. It's a transition in your life that you're facing now and my best advice to you is to indulge in some self care, go and see a therapist to discuss your feelings and gain some clarity. Good luck. By the way, I nursed my own mum for six years with dementia, and care for her for the seven years previous to that as the effects of her stroke disabled her in other ways. I kept her at home until she died, so I am not only speaking from the counsellor perspective but also from the perspective of someone who has been in your shoes. Good luck.

As to the tasks, why not allow yourself a period of time. A month for example, where you won’t do any of that. Clean the loo and the necessary bits and leave the rest for now. And cooking, why not have a few takeaways? Even go out somewhere for lunch. It can take the pressure off and introduce an element of difference or ‘adventure’. Them
N you can make a list of things that need doing and tackle one a day, or one a week after that. Take the pressure off. It’s a time of adjustment.

Reading your posts I do wonder if you may be depressed to a degree. The feeling that you don't want to do anything, including leaving the house. Perhaps you could have a talk with your GP to see if there is anything they can do to help you adjust to the new circumstances? They may have s counselling service? Early days, but take one step at a time. Best wishes

When he was due to move into the home, I thought that you had unrealistic expectations. It solved many problems but created new ones. Five weeks later and you're worried that you haven't adapted? Unrealistic expectations still! Relax and do things that you enjoy!

It will take you some time to adjust as he has been your priority for so long. Try doing something for YOU each day, no matter how small, and you will gradually build your own life.

first of all go easy on yourself, your going through change, you need to adjust, take time to find out what you want to do in your spare time, voluntary work, reading, drawing, evening classes, some trip you always wanted to do but couldn't, or just sitting in a park thinking, we all get lost over the years careing for others sometimes we forget who we are and what we want to do, think of this as a new chapter, a you chapter, enjoy, start with a hour a day for you then increase it, good luck

Its what Bradfordlass says. You will come out the other side. Do what you want when you want I.e. eat, dress, tv, sleep etc. There are no rules. I reckon you're feeling 'of no more use, aimless' but you are still lovely, clever, wonderful you - but shell shocked. ((Hugs))

Five weeks is no time. It will be a gradual process getting used to being on your own. I am sure everything will eventually fall into place Do look after yourself though. Make sure you eat properly. Sending love and peace x

blueflinders - welcome to gransnet. Please do not worry about popping up in this thread - you are going through some difficult times and gransnet can be a real help.

Daisymae - the depressed bit is not in doubt. I am on an antidepressant and there is a lot of weeping going on - especially at night when I would be much better off fast asleep.

MawB - the whole thing about this dreadful meeting is that they do need to actually see him and speak to him in order to get a grip on how things really are. But I am hoping that we can make this bit as brief as possible, and I will then suggest we move off to a different room. It is a difficult balance between potential distress to him (and me!), but needing to respect his right to be involved and to make sure they actually see what the problems are.

Dare I say it Luckygirl it would be good if this were to be one of his worse days?

oh Lucky- just seen this thread. As you know, I've been thinking of you lately and it must be so hard.

We've been supporting my brother going through similar issues- with my sil going in and out of hospital and 3 different Care Homes- and it is so hard.

Weather is not helping either- if only you could go out for walks in the woods or spend time in garden. Hugs xxx

Oh yes ….sorry for you ...I know how it feels ...you alternate between feeling relief at the knowledge he is receiving the care he needs, and guilt that he is there ! My husband had to go into a care home for the last few months of his life and it was still hard work visiting every day and responding to his demands on the phone whilst he could still use it ...mainly 'I want to go home ….bring me a case so you can pack it when you get here'.....this was every day and I felt really guilty. When he died, and I had to clear the house (it was sold) and move to a different country that occupied a lot of time ...but the relief and freedom I had expected to feel have not happened ...I am still wondering what to do with myself and still think 'I mustn't go too far in case he calls'...….or I mustn't make a noise in case it upsets him'......odd...I never expected to feel this this ….people tell me it will pass and I am going on my first holiday next week, for more than 10 years because I could not leave him ….I am not sure I am looking forward to going ..it will be strange ! Best of luck ..I think we all struggle when first on our own [flowers[

It’s just like the empty nest syndrome, which can mean a big change in your life. Just like a bereavement

Indeed - relief and guilt in equal measure.

I've nothing to add to all the good advice. I was in a similar situation after my mother died, and I felt very lost for a while. Just give yourself time, there is no "right" way to feel, it's such a huge adjustment. Good luck!

Sometimes I wish OH was in a nursing home because I'm doing all the things you describe and have been for a long time. Just take time to adjust and recharge your batteries before worrying about doing something else and being busy. Eventually you will start to take an interest in things again. Being a carer is exhausting both physically and mentally and at times you can't be bothered doing anything.

Five weeks is but a blink of the eye in terms of how long you've been married to your OH, Luckygirl. It will take some adjusting to. I've just this weekend had a friend to stay. Her dh has dementia and went into hospital as an emergency admittance 15 months ago and he has remained there, apart from a disastrous attempt at a care home, where because he is a physically fit 70yo, they couldn't cope with him and couldn't keep him safe.

My friend says it's like being widowed without anyone really acknowledging the widowhood. She's married-but-not-married because her dh doesn't have a clue who she is or who their children are. At the start, she was very busy with all the admin to do with him going into hospital and assessments. Gradually, though, she picked up on her old way of life. She started seeing friends again, got involved with dementia groups and with hospitals groups, goes to U3A things, sees her children and so on. The hospital is nearby so she visits most days, thought often only for 30mins. She's also found friends amongst other wives in the same situation. She's also doing things in the new house they moved to a while ago. She says it's better spent on making her home cosy than giving it to the government!

She also has some health issues of her own but now, 15mths on, she is looking and feeling better than she has done for years and in a curious way seems to be enjoying life again. It's been a hard road for her to walk along and who knows where it will go next and she says it's a matter of taking your pleasure where you can.

You say yourself you're depressed, and that comes across clearly. If the AD's aren't helping, maybe you need to ask your doctor about a change to another one. Although depression makes it so hard to do even a small thing like arrange a doctor's appointment.

You must be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you've been under huge strain and that how you feel now is a consequence of that. Allow yourself to feel miserable. Don't feel you've got to present a positive face to the world. At the same time, give yourself some TLC. Take the path of least resistance. Eat peanut butter sandwiches, if that's what's easiest. Or have cereal three times a day. A few weeks of that won't harm and you can always take a vitamin tablet if you want. Plan a small daily treat. A warm bath; some chocolate; a vase of flowers; a long lie-in; a new magazine. Anything that in the term of today 'brings joy'.

I'm not a huge contributor to GN but I do think of you and wonder how you are. Ca canny, as they say in Scotland. X

Lucky can't add anything but take care of yourself sorry to hear he as a small pressure sore after you worked so hard to look after his pressure points . To all you careers out there ?

Oh bless you, it will take some time to adjust.
Maybe have a look on the notice board in your library and see if anything catches your eye, an exercise class, hobby group etc.
It’s so difficult to change long term habits but doing something different can help.

????

Having followed your story for some time I think of you often, Luckygirl. Caring gradually consumes you, so that when the daily routine of medicines and cleaning up is removed, and you only have executive charge of your DH’s care, there is quite a lot of space for thoughts to creep in. Add to this the long term effects of 24 hour caring on your health and energy, and it is hardly surprising that you have hit rock bottom.

Others have been there and say that the exhaustion and lack of optimism will disappear, and I do so hope that is true for you. I send my good wishes and hope that you gradually feel yourself again.