Feeling adrift

first of all go easy on yourself, your going through change, you need to adjust, take time to find out what you want to do in your spare time, voluntary work, reading, drawing, evening classes, some trip you always wanted to do but couldn't, or just sitting in a park thinking, we all get lost over the years careing for others sometimes we forget who we are and what we want to do, think of this as a new chapter, a you chapter, enjoy, start with a hour a day for you then increase it, good luck

It will take you some time to adjust as he has been your priority for so long. Try doing something for YOU each day, no matter how small, and you will gradually build your own life.

When he was due to move into the home, I thought that you had unrealistic expectations. It solved many problems but created new ones. Five weeks later and you're worried that you haven't adapted? Unrealistic expectations still! Relax and do things that you enjoy!

Reading your posts I do wonder if you may be depressed to a degree. The feeling that you don't want to do anything, including leaving the house. Perhaps you could have a talk with your GP to see if there is anything they can do to help you adjust to the new circumstances? They may have s counselling service? Early days, but take one step at a time. Best wishes

As to the tasks, why not allow yourself a period of time. A month for example, where you won’t do any of that. Clean the loo and the necessary bits and leave the rest for now. And cooking, why not have a few takeaways? Even go out somewhere for lunch. It can take the pressure off and introduce an element of difference or ‘adventure’. Them
N you can make a list of things that need doing and tackle one a day, or one a week after that. Take the pressure off. It’s a time of adjustment.

Luckygirl - what is actually happening with you just now is that you are grieving for the identity you have lost, unwelcome though it may have been, all that is entailed in caring for any person in the way you have cared for your OH, defines you for the period you are in that role. Your own priorities are sidelined, although it's probably fair to say that caring for your OH was your priority. As a bereavement counsellor I can confirm that you are by no means alone in feeling the loss of all this activity in your life, and it will take time. All the entreaties from people to 'get on with your own life' now are simple not useful because you're not ready to do that. I can only say take things slowly, procrastinate if that's what you feel like doing, make a list of the main things you missed doing and gradually chip away at it. You may well find that some of the things you imagined and wanted to do when your OH was at home, are no longer important to you. It's a transition in your life that you're facing now and my best advice to you is to indulge in some self care, go and see a therapist to discuss your feelings and gain some clarity. Good luck. By the way, I nursed my own mum for six years with dementia, and care for her for the seven years previous to that as the effects of her stroke disabled her in other ways. I kept her at home until she died, so I am not only speaking from the counsellor perspective but also from the perspective of someone who has been in your shoes. Good luck.

I am just having to put my mother in a home, and it’s all very strange. I’ve been in this situation a couple of times where your role ends or changes and you suddenly feel adrift and as if you just don’t know what you should be doing any more. You expect to find relief and even some freedom, but remember, however hard it’s been, that was your purpose in life. Your ‘raison d’etre’ so to speak. You will feel like this, for a good while, so try not to worry about that. Be patient and calm about it. Be nice to yourself. In time you will adjust to a new, different way.

How I can relate to feeling adrift! I was full time career to my DH for many years. He had dementia, Parkinsons and more recently heart failure and he died peacefully three and a half months ago, having been admitted to hospital less than twelve hours before. He was not an easy patient but we loved each other dearly and I never realised just how much I loved looking after his every need. - not that I appreciated it at the time! I miss that role so much, my days seem so pointless at the moment, but I know he would want me to be happy and get on with living a full life but it is so difficult right now but I am determined to get there. I would say be patient with yourself, take your time adjusting and I am going to do some voluntary befriending work to try to fill the gap and put some purpose back into my existence. Best of luck Lucky, I am thinking of you xxxx

Agreeing with everything which has been said. Hygge and a new book about the Danish art of doing nothing should be your guide at the moment. A suggestion for later on how about taking in a foreign student short term. £115 per week might ease things short term and give a newer focus.but take care of yourself and stop the self reproaches.

Luckygirl your DDs may feel there is safety in numbers and certainly visiting, whether NH or hospital is easier with others, but they also need to be prepared to stagger their visits to help you out.
The phone is a mixed blessing, is it not?
As for your DH’s case being hammered out in his presence, can you put your foot very firmly down and insist on privacy?
Glad the [glowers] made you smile - what my father used to refer to as “unconscious humour”
Real this time.

In the time you were so busy with him, you gradually lost all your other interests and pastimes - and maybe even lost touch with friends, so it's fairly obvious why your time feels a bit empty now. Gradually you will redevelop interests and things to do. It won't happen all at once, but it will happen.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. When you visit him, ask if there are any support groups you could attend. You need to be with people going through the same thing. Now it's autumn, you could look into starting a course in something you like.. It'll give you more purpose and a little routine. Self refer to Steps to Wellbeing..Group CBT to learn more about coping strategies. Good luck.

oh, such good comments here,
my dh has been in hospital for over 5 weeks now.. a place, I can`t get to visit without someone taking me, so haven`t seen him for 2 weeks... we have been married 50 years this coming January, and a close couple in that we never lot of friends, been retired 20 years, and I have been my dh`s carer most of that time, though he has not been completely incapacitated.

now just got him transferred to a hospital nearer home, so I can visit more often.

but these last 5 weeks, I so relate to what has been said here..
yes it is grieving, yes it is hard. again fortunately I have quite recently started attending a local church, and have a couple of groups I have joined, so getting out, other than that,, it is not easy...

jigsaws yes,, I got involved, and oh my! such mind relaxing... I recommend jigsaws

I do not make friends easily, though I can catch to anyone when out at the local shop etc.. that helps me.

coming here also helps

I know how you’re feeling, my Mother went into a home a month ago. I really struggle with, is she in the right place but I know she is. At the same time my only son left home which left two massive voids in my life.

I echo what granbabies said.

Being a newly, I feel I’ve clicked the wrong button and ended up in someone else’s thread - sorry Luckygirl! I have no idea how to start a new thread or remove my post from your thread. Help!!!

I have no experience of what you have gone through but I'd like to say how much I admire you and all the other carers out there. It would be so easy to let someone else take responsibility for your loved ones. I feel so humbled that there are such wonderful people existing who give of their lives to support others.
Please take care of yourself now and let yourself heal and return to the old you gradually. Best wishes

Lucky girl
I do so feel for you. My DH has this awful problem too though quite clearly not as badly as your husband.
There times when 'll could scream with frustration for the lack of humour, not getting the point in a joke, the constant repetition of questions and stories and my guilty conscience when l get to shouting point - and having to control myself. I love this man to bits and he loves me but as one tactless person tactlessly told me 'you gradually lose them' l know this, but don't need people gleefully telling me this - but another thing, no one comes to see us or bothers to ring. In all other ways my darling is fine, except he has rotten knees, He's had surgery on both, didn't do the exercises, and is in quite a lot of pain. I need surgery too for knees too, they're in an advanced state of rubbish, and lm sorry to moan about these things but sometimes l think my heads going to explode. There's more, but l cannot write any more as l feel rotten enough just moaning about this. I still have my darling and thank God for him, Grandsnetters, forgive me

My aunt went through exactly this - it took her over a year to adjust and stop feeling guilty but she’s fine now, she joined a book club and is finally able to relax.

It’s a very very hard time. I have been in the same situation. My DH developed vascular dementia 3 years ago and gradually lost all mobility. I cared fro him at home until it was impossible and he went into nursing care. The home wasn’t wonderful and I was there every day checking his care. I was persuaded to take an occasional day off especially as it progressed and I realised he didn’t remember I hadn’t been in. He was very agitated and frightened and always begging me to take him away. There really can’t be any worse time in life for the spouse . It is now one year since he died and I still feel really lost. All I can say is most advice doesn’t help a lot. Only you can work out what’s best but I would say if possible don’t give up everything to be with him all the time because afterwards is harder if you have no interests to fall back on . A lot of the time they don’t mean a lot to me but I know he wouldn’t want me to shut myself away and not try to make a life however much I’d rather have the old one back. I’ve still got a long way to go.

blueflinders so sorry to read of your sadness. It is awful to feel 'alone, together' . You will find much in the way of good advice, kindness, and hopefully things to laugh at and lift your spirit on Gransnet. Welcome, and I hope you find some of the solace you need here. x

Lucky I have been in your situation. Husband died 4 years ago, but for last 16 months of his life was in a care home after he broke his hip. He had a rare dementia which affects vision and co-ordination first, so there were enormous difficulties with rehab after the fracture. I entirely endorse what Maw says. Don't make any sudden changes. You are suffering a kind of bereavement and you will feel it sorely, but you also have a huge role in your husband's care in the home. That is often not recognised, but it's nevertheless very demanding. You will get more comfortable with being on your own, but give it time, and don't despair. You will gradually find your way. Lots of hugs from me!

blueflinders - I am sorry that your life is so difficult at the moment. That must feel like a lonely place to be.

I have been on the phone half the morning with my OH in the NH - he gets confused and paranoid in the mornings and needs lots of reassurance. He is able to ring me from his room. One of his comments was "I know I am here so that I do not spoil your life." It is so distressing when he talks like that. Rubbing salt in the guilt wound.

It is chaotic here at present because all DDs and their families are here - not staying with me, but nearby - and they tend to visit him en masse - and I think that confuses him. I am hoping to be able to find a quiet time to go and sit with him.

The blessed Decision Support Tool (I kid you not!) is to be done on Tuesday morning which will lead to a decision about health authority funding - likely to be a no again I suspect - and OH will have to listen to a great group of people discussing at length how ill he is. I am going to try and organise for them to speak briefly to him and then get them out of his room as it will distress him. Makes me a bit cross all this.

Many thanks for helpful posts and especial thanks to Maw for her kind "glowers" - just what I needed.

After both my parents died (I'd cared for them for 8 years) I remember waiting for the sense of relief but all I felt was lost - the loss of what was my normal life, loss of routine, loss of a sense of purpose. I saw a counsellor and she helped me work through the grief. Don't forget that this is a type of bereavement for you. You need to give yourself time to grieve and adjust - think of it as a Pause, before you press Play again and go forward into this new "normal") Lots of great advice on here already for you - when you're ready.

Married but lonely.

My first post - please be kind!

My husband and I have been married for over 37 years and even though we’re both still working, I feel so lonely when we both get home. Now the kids have left home we seem to have little in common and just row all the time - and then he ‘sulks’ for days without speaking to me. Sad incidents in my life have left me with depression and some days I think about just running away, because it all becomes too much. I only have one trusted friend, but she has problems of her own, so I try not to burden her with mine.
I have looked to join some local groups to meet new people (hence joining this one) but I need to actually go ‘out’ to something - even though it will cause more sulking! I just reminisce on a wasted lifetime with this grumpy old man and feel if I don’t do something soon I will go mad.
Anyone else have this ‘lonely feeling’ even though they are in a relationship?