Manners; where's thank you notes gone!

You're welcome annep1

I do appreciate a thank you

thank you Callistemon

Quite right... ?

You have just pointed it out Maw Job done?

On the Good Morning thread annep1
(No need to thank me )

Yes, where are you Gabriella??

83 posts and do we need GabbyG to point out it should be “Where have thank you notes gone”?

Think about the decline in letters being sent, Christmas cards being mailed, physical newspapers being sold, etc - it is not only a change in thank you notes

Retiredtravel,
Good question!
2 quick things come to mind- evolution in communication methods and society.

1. Evolution - cell phones and ocial media has revolutionized the way we communicate
Decades ago, there were no fb, text messages, emails, etc, just pen and paper
2. More evolution- society is not static, it also changes with time.
Many women now choose not to be the social secretary, choose to out their health and their baby's first instead of follow old fashioned social customs.
For example, it was not unusual decades ago for a mother to play hostess after giving birth and hold visits so relatives could meet the baby , or entertain visits at thr hospital- now there is a movement towards protecting the health of the mother and the baby and the mother has way more voice on how she spends her life vs what was expected of her.
Feminism is a beautiful thing.

Just because decades ago things were done one way, it does not mean life reinvent itself

"Something about thank you notes for baby presents- the new parents are super busy with the new baby, healing from birth, etc, to have "send thank you notes" on top of the list."

Yes indeed I think this is the thought generally speaking. The other side to the coin is if we as mothers are super busy now how on earth did they cope even a couple of decades ago.

Yes Notanan2 does give me the impression of an alternative view. Fabulous we have opportunity to have a variety of thoughts.

I'd be intrigued to know 'class'...
I guess my question remains can we measure manners and how do we define manners

Nannymandy very true in a lot of cases, not all of course. My own gc now adults never send cards or presents. I get very short thank you texts never a phone call. Disgraceful.

Sending thank you notes is good manners in some countries

In others, the polite thing to do is to say thank you in person. Sending thank you notes is not even taught at all.

Technology does affect how we communicate. Paper and ink are becoming obsolete and more inconvenient than a text message, quick email ,etc., especially when time is very scarce and our cell phones are available to help us make our lives easier.

Something about thank you notes for baby presents- the new parents are super busy with the new baby, healing from birth, etc, to have "send thank you notes" on top of the list.

Send thank you notes involves knowing the address or looking for it, buying the cards and stamps, write the card, drop it in the mail....
It is not as simple as "send thank you notes"

What's more important, knowing your present was appreciated- verbally or via social media- or getting a card?

Me too sodapop. It’s not that difficult to send a message to say thanks ?‍♀️

Seems a slightly jaundiced view notanan2 I would just see it as a kind thought and people were happy for the baby and new family.

It has only recently occurred to me how much cards are appreciated by some people. I see them as a total waste of paper, postage and effort myself. I send them to relatives I'm not going to be seeing on the day itself and a few dozen 'return' Christmas cards. I prefer to buy the charity ones.

Last year, a relative made a strange (directed) comment about how much she likes 'good quality' cards. I realised that the ones on her mantelpiece were from immediate, close family (including my little one) and others were displayed on the wall. Obviously, she was not impressed with mine!

I can see this from both points of view.
I do think its a class thing, more likely to be middle-class who do this. some people are working flat out, trying to survive, don't go in for much reading or writing.
I am not middle-class, was never told to send thank you notes, and I was a child in the 1960s.
I think its a nice thing to do, but shouldn't be expected. I would always say thank you in person, probably because that's what I saw my parents do and others I love, respect.
guess one is less likely to see people writing thank you notes than hearing please/ thank you' IYSWIM.
someone I know used to send clothes/ items for grandchild. when babysitting she found these items stuffed behind the kitchen sink. didn't bother so much then.
I think so many people have so much, materially, nowadays, they don't really appreciated baby gifts, because they don't really need them.
better to give a goat to a poor country family, in the name of relative. or send shoe=boxes of goodies to poor children. they really appreciate it, need it.
otherwise it can become manipulative, mere convention= waste of goods/money= disappointment/ grievance all round.

(When that MIL did get around to calling she was told the gift was appreciated. She would have had that sooner had she called!)

I mean gifts given to anyone's baby that you know you are unlikely to make an effort to get to know (in person pr by other contact like skype, phone etc)

Like the OP or the MIL mentioned who took 6 months to call a new mum in her family but thinks she had the moral high ground becausd she posted a gift and didnt get a dutiful thank you note posted back.

You cannot care much about a new baby in your direct family if it takes 6 months to ask how they are doing! So why pretend to care with a gift?

why would you give a gift so someone that you knew you probably wouldnt call or visit or otherwise contact?

I wouldn’t Are you only referring to gift giving by near strangers as opposed to gifts sent to friends and relatives you don’t see regularly (but who don’t acknowledge receipt of them with a thanks)?

Well to me any kind thought, text message, card or call or gift, no matter how infrequent, is welcomed and appreciated and thanked - with no hidden agenda or second guessing of motives. As Freud supposedly said ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’.......

Thats why I regret the dutiful thank yous.

It keeps up the facade. They can pretend to be interested when theyre not. If I had stopped the thank yous to people who send gifts/money but wont spend time with us and the children (remotely or in person), I think it would have saved a lot of hurt/disappointment/rejection

When we say its the thought that counts, to me the thought is "Im glad youre in my life and I want that to continue"

From someone you never ever hear from again until theres another duty gift at a milestone, that thought just isnt there.

And gifts from those people actually hurt. Because it reminds hoe disinterested they are in between, but they still want to appear interested by sending gestures but then have no interest in any relationship of value

I understand exactly what you mean. I get quite hurt when I’ve given a gift and it’s not even acknowledged. Also, my birthday is mostly forgotten. The older generation give and the youngest generation take.

I'm curious SirC, why would you give a gift so someone that you knew you probably wouldnt call or visit or otherwise contact?

What is the motivation behind the gift? If you are not close enough or interested enough in them to speak to them any time in the near future?

I do find that gifts from these sorts of people just emphasise their disinterest / distance: e.g. they'll be the ones that send a 10lb-er a teeny newborn outfit, or a tomboy a ballet book etc. And it reminds us about how they never make any effort to know the children.