Gransnet forums


Manners; where's thank you notes gone!

(90 Posts)
RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 15:54:09

The past four baby presents we have given ; no thank you notes...

I gave indirectly via their families so I've not seen the parents face to face..
I'm possibly living on cloud cuckoo land these days. Its either one of two things I need to give with no expectations or need for gratitude or I need to stop bothering to give because it's reinforcing my attitude that they've all got far too much anyway and a romper suit from M&S is completely meaningless.

Last year the exception was a lovely hand written note, it was from a couple who are both Dr's..
If they have a second they'll definitely get another gift..
Can't say I can do that for the others with good grace so I'll probably not bother.
Its possibly a class thing as opposed to a generation thing but I dont remember it being so obvious to us years ago.

Oopsminty Wed 06-Nov-19 16:03:42

Maybe generation. Not sure.

Are you on FB? Is this family on FB?

I get thanks via Messenger or Whatsapp these days.

I have a charming friend I've known since school who sends Thank You Notes but she's on her own.

sodapop Wed 06-Nov-19 16:29:17

It peeves me as well RetiredTravel when carefully chosen gifts are not acknowledged. I don't expect a card but a phone call or e-mail would be nice. Don't assume everyone is on FB either as they are not.

Septimia Wed 06-Nov-19 16:36:43

I send a small amount of cash for birthdays and something for Christmas to great-nephews and great-niece. Never any thanks although the family are all friendly when we meet up. I'd be happy with a text message as I'm not on Whatsapp or FB.

It would be nice to know that the money/gifts have arrived safely at least.

DS, DiL and DGD phone or text, and that's fine.

annep1 Wed 06-Nov-19 16:41:22

I usually get a thank you text. If I don't I text and ask was my present received as they haven't acknowledged it.
I always send thank you cards if I've been invited for a meal to someone's home.
Presents I must admit I use email or text.
But yes its manners to thank people.

Pantglas2 Wed 06-Nov-19 17:24:20

I like a thank you and don’t care how it arrives.

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 17:26:52

If they were given indirectly and you havent spoken to them directly why are you giving them gifts?

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 17:28:07

TBH I dont think much of baby gifts from people who dont phone or visit. Why are they bothering if they arent intetested in how baby & parents are doing?

Bridgeit Wed 06-Nov-19 17:28:35

I put an amount in a saving account for each one until they are older, To be used as is seen fit at the time. Parents seem happy with this.

RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 17:29:24

Oh crikey it's not just the calibre of people in my social circle then...
Sounds like social media is the way to do it... Oh well that makes me cringe if I'm honest but I probably need to get with the times.....

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 17:29:58

They might be waiting to see youbin person or speak to you to say thank you directly. If that isnt likely to happen any time soon then they are prob just a bit baffled/awkward about recieving gifts from someone who is in touch with their relatives but not them!

Hetty58 Wed 06-Nov-19 17:36:43

Isn't it a bit old fashioned (and surely optional) to send Thank You notes? Of course, it's good manners to send a message but everyone is busy so if it upsets you so much, maybe stop giving presents?

RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 17:39:21


A neighbours first new grandchild who lives 200 miles away and given to the grandparents to pass on.

Similar situation for others...
Oh goodness I've never thought that was so unusual..

RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 17:42:14


Sounds very much like you've hit the nail on the head...

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:13:35

So do you even know the new parents?

If it was to congratulate your neighbours for becoming grandparents, its A. a bit OTT. And B. a gift for THEM so what did they say when you handed it to your neighbour? Were they silent? Or did they say the words "thank you" in which case you have been thanked.

If you dont know the new parents well enough to ring them up and ask how mum& baby's doing, which would organically lead to a thank you, then they are unlikely to understand why you got them gifts and would worry that enthusing about it might lead to more awkward gift coming their way from someone they dont really know

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:17:32

I would think that if its just the grandparents you have a relationship with, a card for them saying congrats on becoming a grandparent would be far more appropriate.

BBbevan Wed 06-Nov-19 18:21:18

We were invited to a wedding and the bride and groom asked for money. Not our way of doing things but we gave a nice amount. A month on and no thank you. I think it is such bad manners .

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:24:22

Wedding thank yous take more than a month. They are often part of the photography package and take longer to arrive. Wedding thank yous usually do come but in the following months not weeks.

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:38:21

The last time I gave a substantial amount of money at a wedding I didnt get a thank you until it was spent. It was spent about a year later. Then I got photos of what it was spent on and a quite long note about it.

Much nicer than generic card IMO.

I also have a friend who doesnt do formal thank yous but will always use/wear/display my gifts and talk about them when I see her. Which is lovely.

Give 'em a chance for the dust to settle

RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 18:44:03


Yes I used to run the father of the new baby to school. He was a childhood friend of my children. They sent a present too. His parents sent via us a present for my new grandchild at that time.

Interesting and noted that you find that all a little or very OTT. Never for one thought it unusual.

fizzers Wed 06-Nov-19 18:46:55

No way would I expect a thank you card, but a phone call, text, Whatsapp message definitely

RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 18:50:40


Asking for money.... I'm cringing at that...
If a guest wants to give money then fine but to ask.....
Is crass the right word...

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:52:01

Sounds like you are friends with the grandparents not the baby's parents.

When was the last time you spoke on the phone to the parents of the baby?

As a general rule, if you havent and are unlikely to visit or call, exchanging gifts is OTT.

They may be "thank you" people generally, but in this case dont want to encourage the cycle of gift & christmas cards with someone they dont have an adult frirndship with (you drove him to school as a CHILD? & now he is grown & youre an aquaintance of his parents). Because once started its hard to break it and it just feels wasteful and insincere. They may even have told their parents to discourage it but their parents didnt pass that on.

notanan2 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:55:15

& did your neighbour say nothing when you handed it over?

RetiredTravel Wed 06-Nov-19 19:01:44

I think you make an excellent point..
I have another grandchild imminently due and I'm sure a gift will come its way from our neighbour via us...
Then will be the perfect opportunity to run it by them... In a tactful approach of course.....
I won't say its OTT of them to give a gift but I'll run the theme of your thoughts by and see what feedback I get...