What to do about Christmas?

gillybob maybe Evie & your daughter could come over to yours, cook the dinner with her aunt and leave her dog behind? Just for the day - go home that night. Shut the dog in one room with newspapers on the floor to relieve himself (or give a key to a neighbour and ask to let the dog out into her garden once or twice till she gets back). Food for the dog can wait a few hours it won’t do any harm (or ask the neighbour - they will understand the reason for the request) or buy a bowl with a lid that pops up on a timer device for access to food.

You don’t have to overthink this part - let your daughter sort it out.

Thank you for kind replies but I don't want to hi-jack Gilly's thread. We won't have room for everyone to come here and I know that if we stay on our own DD2 will worry about us and be sad that we're on our own.

DH's health will determine whether or not we go so if we leave it to a last minute decision the only thing we will lose is the deposit for the dogs so that's probably what we'll do and I know DD2 will understand.

gilly, However you spend Christmas you will probably feel detached from it all. Auto pilot is good when you are dealing with everything that's thrown at you but it's hard to switch it off and be your old self because you've almost forgotten where and who she is.

Good that you have the DGCs to focus on. Don't worry about preparations. My answer to it all would be, 'Watch this space!' Somehow it will all come together.

Merlot I am so sorry to hear of your worries. I hope you can resolve the situation - please don't put yourself and your DH last when deciding what to do. You should do what's right for you.

Although, of course, I can so understand why your DD wants you to be all together this year. Can she and her family not come to you?

Gilly I so understand why this is worrying you - you've always been the one in the family who pulls everything together and organises everybody else. But this year I really cannot imagine any of them are expecting you to be doing all the planning.

As others have said, your DD, Evie, your DF and DSis can all come to your house for the day, and they can sort it all out between them. You shouldn't have to do a thing, apart from sit down and enjoy the Christmas lunch that others have cooked for you, and that others will clear away and wash up afterwards, while you go to the hospital.

And who knows? Your DH could very well be much further along the road to recovery by then and the big black cloud you've been under will have shrivelled to almost nothing. We're all still rooting for him, as we have been for several weeks now, with regular prayers from all around the country. Keep hanging in there, it'll all work out, you'll see xx

Thank you Mewb, no I didn’t see that, it’s so sad, I will pray for him.

I am sorry to hear of your DHs illness and it’s impact on you. Perhaps take a step back and think how would the family cope if it were you in hospital? Someone else would have to step up. Agree book a taxi for Father, surely he doesn’t expect you to be an unpaid taxi service the whole year round, ditto sister. Just tell your family to take over the catering. Keep your expectations low and concentrate on looking after yourself as well as others.

@merlotgran, you can indeed just cancel Christmas (I did just that one year) and have your own little dinner at home instead. There is no law against it, you need no permission and everyone will understand - problem solved!

I really feel for folk caught up in grief , worry and expectation. Be kind to yourselves, you are important.

from me too Merlot
I can see the very good reasons why your DD would want to make this a special Christmas, but having coped with Paw’s C. Diff for the weeks he was home before he died, it is no light matter. I can also understand how you feel about the dogs - I would be the same.
How far away is your DD going to be once she has moved?
Would a day visit be acceptable-late morning until maybe late afternoon? It’s hard to relax when you know you have a journey home but with somebody to pop in t the dogs for a comfort break, would it not make more sense for your DH?
Or even for them to come to you on Boxing Day? Staying away could be too much for your DH and you need to consider what he could cope with.

merlot

If it's any consolation, gilly I'm in a similar boat and would dearly love to cancel Christmas altogether but DD2 and her family want us to stay with them and I know she will pull out all the stops to help put what has been a terrible year behind us.

They are moving two hours closer to us next weekend so I should be dancing for joy but....

DH is still not really well enough. After a six week stay in hospital to cure an unexplained infection and a recent diagnosis of heart failure/heart valve disease, he returned home with a c diff infection so it's been yet more antibiotics, unpleasant side effects, mood swings (he doesn't have the strength to knock the skin off a rice pudding) and a scrupulous cleaning regime for me!

The thought of him being taken ill over Christmas in an unfamiliar area away from our familiar hospital and medical team fills me with dread.

Plus....The dogs will have to go into kennels. The older one has cancer and living on borrowed time. They will deal with her medication but I really don't want to leave her as I know she doesn't have much longer. I have to make up my mind by the end of the month when the non returnable deposit is due!

My problems are nowhere near as horrendous as yours and I hope your DH's recent improvement continues so you can spend Christmas Day in the hospital with him and the rest of the time with your family. Why oh why does it fill us with so many challenges when it's just another day?

Kathy you may have a point but I think you need to read the thread to find out why gillybob is asking this question. It is more than the usual” Christmas quandary” . Her DH has been in ICU in an induced coma for the last 6 or more weeks and she has spent every day at his bedside.

The problem with Christmas is, people have forgotten what it’s all about, and are too focussed on the “ social “ side. That’s fine if you enjoy it, but if you don’t.....then don’t.

Harrigran sometimes people can be very obtuse. If friends insist on a meal out I always suggest January or February anyway as they are such dreary months.
Years ago when Paw had been made redundant I dreaded ringing round my friends -for whose children I used o buy presents- to tell them I was cutting right back.
One friend admitted she was so grateful I had spoken out first as her H had had to give up work because of kidney cancer and they were going to be struggling too.
As for hosting - fair enough, you have the space and it is lovely to have the family together but why can’t the others do the work for you? Or scale things down to a quiet Christmas Day for the two of you and a family buffet on Boxing Day with a list of suggested contributions to tick.

Christmas prep should be the last thing on your mind gilly, I would expect the family to have reassured you by now that your only concern should be DH.
If we don't host or arrange meal out it doesn't happen, usual story of having the roomiest house blah blah despite the fact that my DH is 75 at Christmas and sick. Once through the front door they are teenagers again.
I have sent a message to a friend and told her I won't be celebrating in the usual way and present shopping is low on my list of priorities she came back and said we could still do meal out, she completely missed the point, I am struggling to keep all the balls in the air without having to arrange another social occasion.

gillybob I had missed your posts and hadn't realised your DH was poorly.

No advice for Christmas but just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear your news and to give you all good wishes for the future

Neither my sister nor my DD drive (hence how I get the running around for him) so I would still have to pick my dad up, which we do every year anyway
Just a thought Gillybob - mini cab or Uber if licensed in your area.
You really must let your sister be responsible for your dad, it is more than her “turn”. You have other priorities at the moment.

It'll all come together Gillybob, you'll see. By Christmas DH might well be without all the wires and tubes and and sitting up talking. Fingers crossed.

Perhaps just send off for some little presents for Evie and get them wrapped up. That might ease your mind a little bit. x

The idea of my DD and little Evie staying with me seems perfect but she has a mad adopted, (well dumped on her really) dog that she couldn’t leave. Not sure I could bear to have it staying here.

Neither my sister nor my DD drive (hence how I get the running around for him) so I would still have to pick my dad up, which we do every year anyway.

I am sure we will muddle through together some how. I just want it to be nice for my sweet baby girl. Nothing more .

And yes the only present I could ever wish for would be to have my DH back home .

Does the idea of your daughter and baby Evie hosting at your house seem a good idea? It does to me gillybob

Evie won’t be aware too much either way, your sister could help her and pick up your dad on the way over. Just ask them to sort it out themselves this year. They’ll cope.

You could sit and eat with them then disappear to the hospital, knowing that the 4 of them are together at yours, doing the washing up but being together.

x

gillybob, I had no idea that your DH was ill. I'm so sorry to hear this.
You have always been the mainstay of your family and such a strong support to everyone. Christmas will come and your DD and wee Evie will be just fine. Try and take it as it comes. Nothing big and special has to happen just for this one day. No-one will expect anything from you, and they won't want you to be going under with the stress of everything.
Sending you a warm hug and hoping that your DH makes a steady recovery. Xx

I'm sorry that I don't know your situation either. Just an idea but can you all afford to book a table for a Christmas dinner at a local pub/restaurant.
It is expensive I know but there's the bonus of no cooking or washing up and then you could spend the rest of the day with your husband.
My wish for you is that your wish comes true and husband will be home for Christmas.
Take one day at a time. xx

Gilly, your best gift is going to be further improvement in your DH's condition. After that, you also need some wind down time and what would be better than time with your DD and Evie? Someone mentioned them moving into your home for a few days and that would be so good for you not to be home alone when not at the hospital. Your DH may not even be at the hospital by then! We're still praying for him here you know.

Ask your DD to sit with you and plan Christmas day and order it online and have it delivered to your house. Ask your DD what she would like for Evie and I'm sure she's not expecting you to do everything you usually do. Then just take it easy and concentrate on being with your DH and spending time together. Hugs! I reckon you could use a few!

could you all share the Christmas dinner? Previous years we all shared the providing of Christmas dinner relieving the burden. We all used to gather at my elderly mother's large house, bringing prepared veg just to cook , a cooked
ham, puddings ,mince pies and all the stuffings etc . One present for adults from secret Santa and just gifts for the children . It all worked very well. Maybe Gilly let others sort it this year and just join in if you feel up to it . Or ignore it altogether , everyone will understand
This year it's all change ! My mum has died ,large house sold so no gathering there .
I am also in a similar situation as my DH is very poorly in hospital and although he will be home ( fingers crossed) by Christmas, our plan to go to Portugal for Christmas with our DD and family has been cancelled . They are still going as all booked . DS and family will stay at home and have Christmas with DiL widowed father as usual ( we usually see them in the morning with everyone ) My sister will stay at home with husband and her teenage children and my single brother will be with them .
We will stay at home and probably have soup and ice cream as DH can only have semi liquids . I will miss them all but
sh-t happens sadly .

One a patient start to respond it can be surprising what stride ( (metaphorically) they can make so he may be home.. Obviously this is still an unknown quantity but I would counsel not letting Christmas “arrangements” prey on your mind. Yes it is a time for families to be together but it is just a day. I was touched by how all the patients on Paw’s ward were given a present from “Santa” a striped fleece throw and how the staff did their best for their patients. Given the multi- cultural demographic of the Royal Free (Hampstead, a high proportion of Jewish residents) they made much of Christmas (as indeed probably Hanukkah or Eid ) Paw had an orthodox rabbi in his ward and again I was impressed by the respect shown to him and care of the ward sister- who wore a muslim scarf. Dont despair.