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What to do about Christmas?

(63 Posts)
gillybob Tue 19-Nov-19 09:04:32

Well just that really .

I am conscious of how close it is getting and I couldn’t be feeling any less festive if I tried. No shopping done for anyone, not even the children . I always host the family but couldn't bring myself to enjoy a Christmas Day as things are . It highly unlikely anything will change drastically before then.

I really don’t know what to do. Not expecting a fairy godmother and feel awful for my DD and little Evie in particular . If only I could put it all off for a few months.

Life really is sh*t sometimes. sad

Pantglas2 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:18:29

Well if I was in your shoes Gillybob I must admit I’d be expecting someone (daughter, sister ?) to take the strain this year - it’s not as if they’re unaware of your predicament is it?

Also, being hopeful of another 4 weeks upturn in DH health might put a different complexion on things by then so take your time before making that decision x

GrannySomerset Tue 19-Nov-19 09:19:19

Yes, it is. Christmas is absolutely not your responsibility this year and something new and different will emerge. You have more than enough to cope with!

MawB Tue 19-Nov-19 09:21:52

Don’t worry.
Christmas will come and go even without your input this year. Your daughter will make sure Evie doesn’t miss out and, relax, it is still 6 weeks away.
One of the most memorable Christmases I had (and not in a bad way) was when Paw had been transferred to London after 4 weeks in hospital up here, a perforated bowel, surgery which went badly and a diagnosis of lymphoma.
Life was pretty sh*t but his course of treatment was decided, D and her BF of the time (now SIL) persuaded to have their Australian holiday after all, where he proposed to her. I simply ignored Christmas preps here, cooked a venison casserole, put the dog in kennels on Christmas Eve and drove to London to camp out in DD3’s flat. On Christmas morning we (other 2DDs , sisters in law and nephew) all went over to the Royal Free with smoked salmon sandwiches for Paw, spent the afternoon with him then went back to the flat for the casserole. On Boxing Day the hospital said he could come home until his chemo was due to start so I brought him back.
No tree, no cards, no turkey, no queuing at the supermarket, no presents, just glad he was alive and that the future although he had no work, no pension and no income was no longer as bleak. That was 2008 - so 11 years ago.
Christmas is not about the 🦃, 🌲, 🎁 its having those you love with you. Keep faith that he will be home with you by then

Luckygirl Tue 19-Nov-19 09:24:11

I am not up to speed on your situation gilly, but if things are difficult for you maybe you should let another family member take on Christmas this year. You could join in as much or little as you felt able when the time comes.

Yes - life can be a pile of manure at times and I am sorry that it is like this for you at present.

Sara65 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:42:30

Oh Gillybob, I don’t know your situation, but you sound very sad and low.

Christmas isn’t the be all and end all, it will soon be over, let someone else stress about it for once, and be kind to yourself.

Auntieflo Tue 19-Nov-19 09:48:26

Oh Gilly, you really shouldn't have to be worrying about this right now. Your first consideration should be you and your DH.
As I remember it, from past posts, you are the family mainstay, and smooth life out for all of them.
This year, things need smoothing for you.
Try and do as others here have said directly or indirectly, and that is, do nothing that is going to give you more worry.
With luck your DH will be a little stronger by Christmas and you can spend time cosseting you and him.
You will both need the peace and a calm, quiet time.
{{{Hugs}}} to you for even contemplating taking anything else on right now.
Then later Evie can come and work her magic and give you both a real {{{hug}}}

Gonegirl Tue 19-Nov-19 09:50:17

Gillybob your DD will put on a good Christmas for Evie. Let's face it, you've done quite enough for your family, and more, in the past.

Forget about Christmas for now. Just think about the big picture, which, of course, is your dear husband.

Who knows how things will pan out in the next few weeks. He seems to be making a slow but good recovery. Perhaps, God willing, things will be a whole lot better by then. And then you both may be able to enjoy something with your family.

Gonegirl Tue 19-Nov-19 09:51:48

And - sentiment aside - I hope you will be considering sueing that hospital. You need to get some some money out of them.

Alexa Tue 19-Nov-19 09:56:28

I'm sorry about that Gillybob. Would it be any help to make it a theme Christmas get together? What I have in mind is you frame the get toghether as a rebirth of hope and ensure all your guests know that is the theme of your party. The spiritual significances of the festivities really do matter so much more than pretence celebrations.

annsixty Tue 19-Nov-19 10:06:02

Last Christmas my H had just gone into care so although I went in daily to see him and participate in the activities , it was pretty grim but there was no alternative.
Some years ago I came out of hospital on Dec 23rd after a cancer op, had to wait until Jan 5th for results from histology, would I see another Christmas?
I didn’t know.
My husband diagnosed with pneumonia on Boxing Day.
It was a nightmare but ,by not giving Christmas any importance we survived it and so will you dear Gilly.
Just concentrate on you and yourH, let others take the strain, it will do them good and make them stronger.
There is lots of time before then for things to improve but just don’t think ahead, you will have many more Christmas’s with Evie to enjoy.

ginny Tue 19-Nov-19 10:33:21

Gillybob, you need to hand Christmas over to someone else. Goodness knows you have done enough for your family. They of course are upset too but you are the one that is baring the brunt.
Children will be happy just to get some presents which other people can purchase on your behalf. Evie is too young to worry what day it is and I’m sure her Mum will make sure she is ok.
Please , think of yourself for once.

Rudegal Tue 19-Nov-19 10:36:05

I feel exactly the same! If it wasn't for my children I think I'd forget about xmas altogether! We spend so much money and time just for it to be over as quickly as it came! I might go on holiday next xmas and totally write it off! grin
I actually feel quite bad saying all of this as it's all about family etc but I've lost my mum my brother and my uncle so I don't have much of a family 😭 Anyway we must struggle on I guess ‼️

grandtanteJE65 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:00:23

I am amazed you feel behindhand, I don't s tart my Christmas preparations until December 1st.

Let your daughter do the work this year, but discuss it with her NOW.

And Happy Christmas when it comes.

conor Tue 19-Nov-19 11:39:57

Gillybob the best present you could get would be your DH recovering and coming back to you. Anything else is just tinsel! Xxxx

Gingergirl Tue 19-Nov-19 11:40:28

I also don’t know your situation but Christmas isn’t compulsory. Don’t feel you need to do anything particular.....and you know what.....a little bit of last minute shopping and a few nice things to eat, will be enough for anyone...and even if that doesn’t happen, I don’t believe anyone at all will lose sleep over it. If it’s praying on your mind, tell your family your passing on it all this year. If there’s a young child involved, you could send a little money to the parents to buy her a gift. Its only a day-it will pass-and then life goes back to ‘normal’ and no one will think any the worse of you. Go well.

grapefruitpip Tue 19-Nov-19 11:43:23

I would suggest you try to dial down the worry ( easier said then done).

Sometimes the simplest things are the best, a nice walk, a tasty sandwich, fun with the children.

I'm sure your family will understand. You are doing brilliantly btw.

humptydumpty Tue 19-Nov-19 12:00:35

Gilly, I don't know your situation either, but I wholeheartedly endorse what others have said: hand everything over to someone else - as soon as possible - and participate as much or as little as you feel able, life will still go on, and you will be less stressed.

Grannycool52 Tue 19-Nov-19 12:01:27

Gillybob, I hadn't seen any posts from you for a while & was wondering if everything was okay with you. I didn't know your husband was ill.
Let your children take charge of Christmas this year and you take very good care, x.

ananimous Tue 19-Nov-19 12:05:01

Gillybob - Hand it over to someone else - I did and it was the best thing i ever did - for myself. Look up Athena Moberg CPTSD on Youtube - fantastic wisdom!

sodapop Tue 19-Nov-19 12:12:58

I'm sorry things are difficult for you at the moment gillybob I can quite understand your feelings about this Christmas. Good advice on here, talk to your daughter and decide what to do between you. Enjoy some time with your granddaughter then just take things easy. I hope 2020 is a better year for you.

Nannan2 Tue 19-Nov-19 12:32:05

Yes,maybe your daughter can prepare a 'low- key' christmas? Just a special meal for you all,and of course gifts for Evie,and then you can viisit your husband and just enjoy a quieter christmas? I dont know if youre religious at all but if you are a christmas service might be uplifting,and you can pray or light candles and ask for your husbands quick recovery ?smile

Hetty58 Tue 19-Nov-19 12:38:16

Always remember that it's up to you how you celebrate (or not), everything is optional - and the aim is to have an enjoyable day.

NemosMum Tue 19-Nov-19 13:27:29

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time Gilly.
Remember there are no 'shoulds' about Christmas. My first husband died at Christmas, aged just 44, and I have never seen it in the same way - I just do what I feel like. It's massively liberating! You can give gift cards to save you the effort of shopping and you don't have to send cards. You don't need to do the whole Christmas lunch thing either. Just suit yourself; people will understand, and if they don't, well, that's their problem!

SueDonim Tue 19-Nov-19 14:10:32

I'm sorry your dh is ill, Gillybob. I'd missed that, somehow.

Christmas isn't compulsory. I was once very poorly prior to Christmas when my boys were small. I voiced my concerns to our lovely GP, who asked me what I thought would happen if Christmas didn't happen. Um...nothing? smile In the end, we had a very low key day, no one now remembers it except me, and no harm was done.

I think your GD is very small so what happens on the day will be of no consequence to her. In your shoes, I'd have a simple roast dinner and minimal gift-giving. You could do a Secret Santa for the whole family this year, if that's agreeable. It would save time and money but everyone still gets something.

Hoping for better times for you. X