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Feeling confused about my emotions

(6 Posts)
Narnia Sun 29-Dec-19 13:11:57

Hi, I am going to become a first time Gran imminently!
Me and my Daughter are extremely close, always have been. She's not lived at home now for a few years but lives close by so we see each other regularly and speak and text daily. Her partner has always been part of the family and welcomed.
Prior to her becoming pregnant we discovered that he had been having a long term affair. Nothing to do with their relationship just an easy ego boost and excitement for him.
Obviously she was devastated and it killed me to see her in so much pain and self doubt. I looked after her every day but never gave an opinion on what she should do.
His family kept a wide berth and said very little.
She decided to take him back, they were all very grateful and happy obv and for a while she was in control, he agreed to lots of changes etc.
She got pregnant quite quickly and it wasn't planned altho the baby is much loved and wanted.
His family have made her pregnancy miserable, almost like they are trying to "knock her down a peg or two"
They have been mean and aggressive both in person and by text. Told lies to create drama between my daughter and their son etc. She's been heartbroken very often, I've kept out of it, I've not challenged him or them to try to maintain the peace but it's been very hard!
He said I couldnt be at the birth, even tho my daughter wanted me to. Now I can but with "rules" on when I can go, what I can do and when I have to leave.
His family are now being super nice acting like nothing has happened and expecting her to do the same. And altho it's preferable to them being vile it grates on me!
I don't like how it's making me feel, I'm not a horrible person but I feel angry and jealous!
I feel like they don't deserve to have her or the baby they have given her so much pain.
She's going ahead with things to keep the peace and I think because she's just too tired to fight back!
It's almost like they are in control again now and I feel sidelined. Yet I feel ashamed of myself too, because they are also going to be grandparents!

endlessstrife Mon 30-Dec-19 16:33:32

Sadly, you just have to take a back seat, but be there for your daughter when she needs you. It’s her life, her mistakes to make, and as much as you may not like it, the baby is his too. Accept whatever you are offered in regard to being at the birth. It is important that he is there, anything else is a bonus. You’ll probably do a lot of tongue biting as a granny, so you may as well start now!

MawB Mon 30-Dec-19 16:35:37

There is another identical thread.

BlueBelle Mon 30-Dec-19 16:51:49

I think it’s entirely up the them who is at the birth and I see no reasons why mothers or mothers in law should want to be ‘in on it’ it’s should be for the new mother and father to bond with the new baby and their time only so I would definitely back off from that demand
As to the rest she has decided to try again so all you can do is back her up on that and be there if it fails again Personally I don’t think men have affairs if they love their wives or partners
You say WE discovered he was having an affair are you a little bit too involved ? you also say it was nothing to do with their relationship well it was Narbia wasn’t it or else he wouldn’t have had an affair Personally I would think she’s made a huge mistake taking him back but again there’s nothing you can do but support and be there for her next time if he has another affair
Yep this is going to be hard for you but it is what it is sadly, and not a lot you can do bar wait biting your tongue and smiling politely, not your ideal, by a long chalk

MawB Mon 30-Dec-19 16:56:58

Even more confusing to have two threads? confused

Narnia Mon 30-Dec-19 17:25:02

New, so didnt know where to post.
"we" found out about his affair as in our family and his, not me and my daughter. I don't live with her!
I haven't "demanded" to be at the birth, that's quite an assumption!
My daughter wants me there and I've said if it creates drama I won't be! I'd rather her have no stress than insist on me being there.
He had the opportunity to leave as the other party would have had him but he chose not to.