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Feeling confused about my emotions

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Narnia Sun 29-Dec-19 23:06:03

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Hi, I am going to become a first time Gran imminently!
Me and my Daughter are extremely close, always have been. She's not lived at home now for a few years but lives close by so we see each other regularly and speak and text daily. Her partner has always been part of the family and welcomed.
Prior to her becoming pregnant we discovered that he had been having a long term affair. Nothing to do with their relationship just an easy ego boost and excitement for him.
Obviously she was devastated and it killed me to see her in so much pain and self doubt. I looked after her every day but never gave an opinion on what she should do.
His family kept a wide berth and said very little.
She decided to take him back, they were all very grateful and happy obv and for a while she was in control, he agreed to lots of changes etc.
She got pregnant quite quickly and it wasn't planned altho the baby is much loved and wanted.
His family have made her pregnancy miserable, almost like they are trying to "knock her down a peg or two"
They have been mean and aggressive both in person and by text. Told lies to create drama between my daughter and their son etc. She's been heartbroken very often, I've kept out of it, I've not challenged him or them to try to maintain the peace but it's been very hard!
He said I couldnt be at the birth, even tho my daughter wanted me to. Now I can but with "rules" on when I can go, what I can do and when I have to leave.
His family are now being super nice acting like nothing has happened and expecting her to do the same. And altho it's preferable to them being vile it grates on me!
I don't like how it's making me feel, I'm not a horrible person but I feel angry and jealous!
I feel like they don't deserve to have her or the baby they have given her so much pain.
She's going ahead with things to keep the peace and I think because she's just too tired to fight back!
It's almost like they are in control again now and I feel sidelined. Yet I feel ashamed of myself too, because they are also going to be grandparents!

MawB Sun 29-Dec-19 23:19:09

Hi Narnia I see this is a second attempt to start a thread on this topic and it seems a hugely complex problem. Didn’t want to “read and run “ but other than biding your time and being patient, I don’t really have any helpful advice. I dare say others will have though.
Good luck

MawB Sun 29-Dec-19 23:21:21

Am I right in thinking this was your first try?
Feeling confused about my emotions | Gransnet

Luckygirl Sun 29-Dec-19 23:24:04

Very hard for you to see your DD so badly hurt - and difficult to maintain amicable relationships. I too can only wish you good luck for the future.

Chestnut Sun 29-Dec-19 23:25:09

What a difficult situation and you must feel very concerned for your daughter. However, I can only suggest that you do not get involved with their relationship with the other grandparents, otherwise it could create a family war. Your daughter and her partner need to work out how his parents and you fit into their lives. All you can do is be there for your daughter because she is your priority, and it sounds as though you are. Let her vent to you and encourage her to talk to her partner and his parents to strengthen their relationships, but don't get involved yourself. I'm sure she will also need your help and support with the baby. I hope your family relationships will settle in time as you all get used to being parents and grandparents.

Naty Mon 30-Dec-19 01:02:48

It sounds so doomed. You have to be present and aware and supportive of your daughter. It sounds as if she has low self esteem. As a mother, I'd build her up, speak loving, kind and strengthening words to her. Get her to understand when she's being bullied, and let her know that you have her back in case things go downhill. If I were in that situation, I'd need parents to fully support me in case of divorce.

agnurse Mon 30-Dec-19 02:26:16

Do not touch the IL situation with a 10-foot pole.

Your daughter and her husband need to figure this out for themselves. The reality is that as a parent, your instinct is always going to be to protect your child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents do. But it also means that parents aren't objective third parties when it comes to things that affect their children.

If she comes to you with concerns, I'd suggest recommending she and her husband go for marriage counselling. It may be helpful for them.

Narnia Mon 30-Dec-19 08:17:10

Thanks all.
They arent married, they live together.
At I said I have not approached the IL despite wanting to very much! We did have a limited relationship before all this but I stopped all contact when this behaviour towards my Daughter began.
I'm baffled that any woman who has been preg herself and knows how you feel can do and say the awful things that she has.
It has affected my health, the constant worry for her, even in "quiet" periods I worry when it's gong to start up again.
I'm so lucky that our relationship is so good, she knows that she's always supported and can come home anytime.
She had some counselling and found it very helpful, he wouldnt agree to going together however.
They don't talk about what happened and neither do his family.
I do hope that when the baby comes, she finds her inner "lioness" as I think the behaviour will continue.
We all live relatively close to each other, so it's not as if she won't have to see them on a regular basis.
I find it so aggravating that despite the fault not being on our part that we are the ones treading on eggshells and constantly trying to be "the bigger person" in the situation.

Shelmiss Mon 30-Dec-19 08:25:31

I’m confused. He had the affair and his family are now behaving horribly to her? Because she became pregnant?

Narnia Mon 30-Dec-19 09:25:14

Yes, he had the affair.
His family didn't like my daughter taking some control when she took him back, then she got pregnant.
I suppose they saw that she was a bit vulnerable and saw an opportunity to move control back to them and him. They have done it by trying to cause rifts between the 2 of them, me and him etc. Then just caused unnecessary drama whenever possible.

harrigran Mon 30-Dec-19 10:30:07

Such a shame that a baby will be brought into the equation.
This sounds like a toxic relationship and I couldn't even begin to offer any advice on how to move forward.
I think you just need to be there when DD needs you.

Chestnut Mon 30-Dec-19 10:38:52

You don't say how old the couple are, which might be relevant. Are they young or immature? Obviously they will need support from both you and his parents for childminding etc. but this should not amount to interference or control. If his parents are trying to take control in any way there is a danger the couple will be torn apart by their interference.
This is all about strengthening the couple so they can work it out for themselves together and decide what the boundaries are. This is why his age and maturity are relevant. If his parents are pulling his strings then he needs to grow up and start putting his partner and child first.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 30-Dec-19 10:44:54

I think you are right not to speak out to your daughter's in-laws.

Try not to worry so much that it affects your health, I know it is hard not to, but please do try.

When the baby is born things will change. A lot of women who were self-effacing before becoming mothers turn into tigresses in defence of their young.

Support your daughter as much as you can, but do make it clear that it is her baby and she should do things her way.

Her partner sounds controlling - it isn't his decision who should be at the birth after all. Actually, he sounds like a right piece of work and no-one's dream son-in-law, but least said soonest mended there.

I hope the family dynamics change for the better once the baby is born.

sophieschoice Mon 30-Dec-19 10:47:26

My heart goes out to you. I had this situation for 15 years he was violent too. My daughter thought/hoped he'd change he didn't but in a lightening strike moment.
She had enough, 3 children later, but she's now in a stable and good relationship, thank goodness. My worry has eased,but my son who had to go through it all with me is relieved but can't forget she took away some of his childhood with it all.

Theoddbird Mon 30-Dec-19 10:56:49

Your daughter and her baby should run a mile from him and his nasty family. They don't need them. They need love and caring not hate and control. I hope she leaves him. Just keep being there for her x

Narnia Mon 30-Dec-19 11:02:48

They are not particularly young nor immature. He's 30,my Daughter is 26
Both have good, responsible jobs. His mum for sure does "pull his strings"
I think she likes to say things to him that she knows he will take home and cause a row.
I/we do support our daughter as much as possible, but I feel we have lost a bit of her along the way.
The baby is very wanted by everyone, even tho the timing could not have been worse.
I know and from what I've read on here that there often is rivalry between grandparents but this goes beyond that at the moment and I can only see it becoming worse when the baby is born.

4allweknow Mon 30-Dec-19 11:03:00

How on earth can a long term affair not have anything to do with their relationship and all for an ego boost. Sorry but the whole problem could have been sorted out then ie stopped. Now a child is going to be involved! You have to leave the situation for the couple to sort out but, support your DD when needed acknowledging it will be difficult to stay back but you cannot live their life for them.

Chestnut Mon 30-Dec-19 11:13:15

Reading your posts again it does seem as though the partner is the key to this situation. If his parents are controlling and cause misery then that has to change. He must put your daughter and the baby first. As others have said, things may change after the birth, but if he hasn't shown his loyalties are with them by the baby's first birthday, and either he or his parents are still causing problems after a year, then your daughter may be better off walking away from the relationship. It all depends on how her partner deals with his role as a father and how he deals with his parents. Your daughter can never be happy if her partner or his family continue to behave like this into the future.

Narnia Mon 30-Dec-19 11:23:01

He was given an opportunity and took it. No reflection on how his relationship was with my daughter, but more him feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of having a home, bills and a new job.
Not that they had issues within their relationship, they continued to have holidays etc and live a seemingly "happy life"
Nobody suspected his other life, not even his family. He was an excellent liar.

Alexa Mon 30-Dec-19 12:06:26

Narnia, a difficult situation for you. Perhaps the only actions you can take to support your daughter are peace making talk when the situations arise, and helpful actions for your daughter that the in laws cannot take offence at.

It seems your son in law is much influenced by his own parents. Is so that is bad for your daughter. I can understand this frustrates your natural and good desire to help the help the young couple and their baby. But you have no choice but to continue as peacemaker .

knspol Mon 30-Dec-19 12:19:41

You've done so well in not speaking your mind so far so keep that up, not easy I'm sure. Right now your daughter needs you so try to ignore everything and everybody else. After the birth once your daughter is stronger and more settled she may feel like talking about it all and you can be there for her then if she decides on any drastic changes.

NotSpaghetti Mon 30-Dec-19 12:33:10

Why wouldn't he go to couples counselling if he truly wanted a new start with her? I think the relationship sounds controlling and potentially harmful...
But, you must on no account say anything negative about him to your daughter and please at all times be (as you say you are) open to your daughter, consistent and caring.

The worst time for insecure/controlling partners us when there us a new baby so just "be" there to pick up the pieces if it all falls apart.

I know it's hard to sit on your hands but you do need to do it. Good luck, and I hope your daughter has a simple, straightforward birth.

sarahellenwhitney Mon 30-Dec-19 13:03:43

So what if the father of your daughters forthcoming child decides on another as you refer to it 'Ego boost' once his child arrives? Will he go running to mummy and daddy who it appears take his side regardless of your daughters feelings? Your daughter has experience of his 'affair' and she is old enough to make decisions as to whether she wishes to stay with this what appears an extremely immature mummy's boy.Would you be prepared to let daughter and her child live with you ?as from what I see this man is very much under his parents 's influence.Which is far from, as one comment shows , being 'such a bad thing. Only when this thirty year old grows some and takes full responsibility for his actions can this relationship survive.

Daisymae Mon 30-Dec-19 13:09:17

It does seem as if you are over involved in your daughter's life. I wonder if perhaps it's time to take a step back? Perhaps they will be able to make a go of it if they are left to sort things out for themselves?

CarlyD7 Mon 30-Dec-19 13:40:16

I do wonder if your daughter has become pregnant in a hopeful attempt to heal their relationship? I've seen this happen time and time again, and the only thing it does is to put a strain on the cracks that are already there, sadly. I applaud your attempts to keep out of their relationship. However, I don't think it is interfering to say to her that you only want her to be safe and happy, and you're worried about her (and the baby); that you will always be there to support her if she needs you. Her partner sounds like a waste of space (and his family worse). It never ceases to amaze me how little some women think they deserve.