Step Daughter issues

Wow thank you everyone. I really appreciate all your comments and suggestions. Obviously our relationship comes first and I think we will have to bite the bullet for a couple of more years and not make any more moves on the issue. Just two things, step daughter is very open about her monthlies even in front of dad !!! And yes, we have a lock on our shower room door. ?

We had a 12 year old french girl staying with us for a weeks exchange visit. She never went near the bathroom, nor her best friend who was staying with a neighbour.
Like many have said, don’t push it with her. I’m sure as she grows up she will realise.

Aah I had a German exchange partner, I'd forgotten about her, she was 14. She never used deodorant, had the hairiest armpits, and dabbed 4711 cologne on the outside of her shirt underarm area. I was 17 and fairly relaxed about it but I remember my Mum was horrified!

You haven’t said IF the daughter is smelling though camelia3. If she isn’t and the problem is you feel she needs to shower when she is with you then YABU and as you say... leave it. Enjoy your time with your step daughter.

how about you take her shopping for you? say you and her dad would really like some help, maybe trying to get more enviroment friendly? Ask her to help choose, not just toiletries, but other non plastic stuff. with the current climate young people often like to share stuff like that, shower bars instead of gel in bottles, bamboo toothbrushes etc. and whilst there ask her what she likes, if she wants anything. even if you don't use. Try a shop that sells refils in food into our own containers, as well as being trending this would be showering etc specific.

I agree with Tedber.
She is only with you for the weekend. I wouldn't shower at someone else's house if I was only there for the weekend. A good wash is good enough. She probably had a bath or shower before she went. I don't really understand your obsession with her hygiene. Unless you clearly smells or is visibly dirty, leave her alone. Why is it your business?
Are you really happy with her being there? I feel sorry for her. She has a relatively new relationship with her father and she has to put up with this when she visits.

Could she be on the autistic spectrum? We have experience of this in the wider family, and they can have problems about showering/washing when not at home. Either that, or completely obsessive about hygiene! I agree with others who say you should let it go. Leave it to her mum, even if you think her mum might not be doing a great job. There is nothing to be gained and everything to be lost. Please don't book a spa day! I am very keen on personal hygiene, but a spa day would be my idea of HELL!

Itsnotme is spot on.
I have step daughters who are 18 and 20 now.
But 5 years ago they were exactly the same as your SD.
Eventually they became shower/bath hoggers.

Aren't we constantly being told we wash too much! If there is no body odour then what's the problem? Sure she will encounter criticism at school if she is regarded as 'unclean'. Leave all the showering stuff in her room just like a hotel would, may be used one day.

I don't like to shower in other people's houses. Because I often find the controls confusing and actually even at home I prefer to have a bath.
If I was a teenager I think I might be even more reluctant. Do you think it might be something like that?
All you can do I think is mirror the behaviour you want from her and make it easy for her to shower and or bathe. Let her know (without seeming too obvious) that you shower every day. Talk about visits to the dentist etc.
Also does she have a toothbrush?

She’s only at yours for the weekend how do you know she hasn’t had a shower before she arrives and another when she gets home, goodness me you made enough points, the young girl maybe is shy about her body, I don’t understand why you are going on about it, you are counting how many times she’s showered and brushed her teeth,
You took her a cup of tea in the mornings nice of you but then mentioned about a shower before you went out! She obviously doesn’t want one, lighten up a bit, enjoy her company and don’t push things on her,

16 is a difficult age with hormones raging. In one hand it seems slightly sad and I'm wondering although you have been tactful up to yet what about chatting to her and being open about it.
She might have a phobia to water, something might have happened in fact there could be a million things going through her mind that is making her dress under the covers. It could be a complete denial of her changing body, where in her mind she isn't quite ready to let childhood go and accept she's turning into a woman. Gentle chats perhaps where she can open up.

I have stepdaughters (and biological daughters). I am fortunate in that they are all clean but unfortunate in that both stepdaughters smoke and although we are only visited by one of them now, when she comes inside from having a cigarette in the garden, she stinks. I have told her recently that it's entirely her affair if she has returned to smoking but that I don't want the smell of it in the house, and that she should spray herself with perfume before she walks back in. I have also asked her to return wet towels to the bathroom or washing basket rather than leaving them on the duvet and carpet in her bedroom. I think it's a question of balance - if your SD wishes to be 'dirty' in your eyes that's fine as long as it doesn't encroach upon your own appreciation of your own home. If she becomes really smelly and puts you off your food you have to say.

Agree with Tedber. Unless she absolutely stinks I would keep out of it. It's much too tricky a situation, personal hygiene and being a step-mum. I agree there might be a reluctance to undress and shower in your house for fear of being seen. Tedber's comment about dressing in bed is very perceptive. With this in mind, I would just keep well off the subject.

If she does smell so bad you can't cope with it, you might need to get her dad to speak to her mum. If she is scared to shower/bath, at least deodorant might work.

Just for interest, we has a foreign exchange student years ago with the smelliest trainers I have ever encountered. You could smell them as soon as you entered the house. For two weeks we did not know if we could survive, it was the most fearsome, overpowering odour I have had in my house - and I had endured a dog which farted powerfully.

Let's put it into perspective. You are role modelling once a month. Her mother is role modelling every day apart from that. What hope do you have of changing her perspective? Just accept her for the way she is, it's not as if you are going to have get intimately close to her.
If it is any consolation, both my daughter and I went through this, we aren't like it now. The moment we started to get intimate with the opposite sex, we became scrupulously clean!

Ah - I was this girl Camelia3.

I once went, aged 16, to visit my boyfriend's family at his home, where I stayed for four days. I bathed a couple of days before I went and washed my hair. Before bedtime his mum invited me to have a bath and didn't disguise her shock when I told her that I'd 'had one already this week'. In fact her response got me thinking, but it was a long time before I started to shower/bathe with any regularity. I also didn't have a toothbrush until I was fourteen, so brushing my teeth is something that I had to (eventually) force myself to do until it became a habit.

My advice would be to let this girl find her own way, but there are ways you could help her along the path. Does she swim? If so then arrange a weekend trip to the local pool, give her new toiletries to use in the shower. Ask her for feedback on the toiletries you buy her. Talk to her about when you were younger and what you got up to - and you can slip in information about how you and your friends managed hygiene, periods, sanitary towels etc. Hopefully your conversations can be used by both of you as a prompt to share more about life in general and build a closer relationship.

My foster children had very different cultural norms to me, but began to make some changes as they watched and listened and engaged with me, but I never undermined their own ways of doing things either.

How very wise you all are. I would have completely ruined the relationship by now I fear.

I remember as a child that the whole family bathed only once a week, and it has now been said that bathing or showering too often can lead to skin disorders.
I enjoy my daily bath, but perhaps the young lady doesn't feel the need to. As she doesn't live with you permanently I think you should keep quiet.

You may be coming across as a bit fussy. She might be more comfortable if you relax a bit more - no coming in her room with cups of tea in a morning, suggestions about showers, no hotel welcome packs. Have everything there so she can help herself but no need to remind her. Perhaps at her house she looks after herself more.

Could you have a chat one to one? Could you ask her if there are any toiletries she would like to have? Or take her to choose her own?
I appreciate the need to be tactful, however, if you are friendly and sisterly with the conversation she may take it on board. Maybe she isn't aware of the need to shower daily- especially at her age with hormones and sweat. I hope she changes her clothes regularly, she could end up with a reputation which will be years by her peers and one that's hard to leave behind.
Is there something she is worried about?

I think I'd start by saying something like ”I don't want to cause any embarrassment or upset you in any way, I'm just concerned about you and want to help. Daily showers and tooth brushing really are quite important for hygiene reasons and really are quite refreshing. Is there anything I can buy or take you to choose product-wise that you would like? Or anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable washing yourself and your clothing? I'd like for you to be comfortable here and done mean to pry - I've noticed you don't shower or brush your teeth when you are here. Can I help in anyway? Please don't be upset with me. I'd like to think we can talk openly about anything that you are concerned about now or in the future and can approach me anytime in confidence”

Good luck x

I had similar problems with one of my daughters. I am a bit of a clean freak so it was difficult to accept her standards. Your stepdaughter is an adult but also a teenager. Unless you are prepared to banish her from your home for the 2 days she spends there then continue visits and keep the toiletries accessible. You've put in a fair bit of effort already so unless she wants to change you can't make her. It may be a self esteem issue. Try to focus/ build on that. Good luck!

Unless she really smells then I wouldn't say anything. You might put her off wanting to visit.
As already said, when she starts having a boyfriend she will have more pride in herself.
School friends these days tend to be more upfront and outspoken. I'm sure someone would let her know.
Maybe she's just a bit shy of showering in another home other than her own.

My son would go days without showering in his mid teens. He used deodorant and I didn’t notice any bad odour.

As others have said.....don't worry about it too much. Make sure she has her own little bag with her toiletries and tooth brush in....make sure it's a 'cool' branded one and leave some sugar free chewing gum around in the living room/kitchen incase she wants to freshen up her mouth a bit though I suggest you or DH eats them too occasionally so it doesn't seem like an obvious hint to her.

omg poor girl .being nagged to bathe. maybe she allergic to your soap etc and prefers to use her own.she soon smell refreshing when she gets a b/f.. she is a teenager doing her own thing. have you talked to her mother first.