Presents

Easy. Contact them and say “does the Christmas idea also apply to birthdays”?”
You may not like the answer but at least you are clear. Make sure you ask in a positive, no problem way. Clarity is a great thing x

I don't think he meant in that way . When people say family they mean there spouse , children and grandchildren . If your unsure about birthdays ask him and if your miffed the tell him so . Other wise he won't know and be able to put his side across .

I would just send a thoughtful card with good wishes. We stopped adult presents 2 years ago - although I do still give my elderly parents a small gift.
We agreed with BIL and his wife that instead of christmas presents we would go out for a meal together instead as we don't see each other enough. First one was last year and we had a fabulous evening. A lovely treat for all of us.

Stopped giving Christmas and birthday gifts to adults years ago. Just felt it was more important to concentrate on the children in the family at these times. All the family agreed and really appreciate the decision. Go with the no gifts for birthdays as well as Christmas. You will feel liberated. A card to recognise the day is enough.

Did this a few years ago, so glad we did £20 per GC that's 7on DH side 2on mine since then DH side have produced 11 GGC

Presents aren’t just for birthdays and Christmas so maybe the odd small present during the year when you see them? Assuming you do! Then there would be less pressure on them to reciprocate.

I’ve been married for 40 years 3 kids 6 grandchildren and my FIL only buys for his son and daughter.

We have also stopped buying for Sil and her husband it was just getting ridiculous and now the children have reached adulthood it's stopped for them too and birthdays as well.

I’d casually ask your brother Nansy, but not when the birthday is imminent! I’m one of 6 siblings, so lots of AC and their kids. Although we don’t give birthday pressies (or cards, just a FB message in some cases) if we’re meeting at Christmas we’ll give a simple gift like nice chocs, home made jams etc. and nieces & nephews under 21 still get a pressie.
I asked a friend that I rarely saw about stopping Xmas presents. She’d married again and now has a big new family & more grandkids so I thought it would be one less person for her to buy for. She seemed horrified that I’d suggested it. The next time I saw her she gave me two year’s worth of Xmas and birthday presents! It was embarrassing

I understand not giving the adult family members, my sisters and brothers agreed when the children came along only the children got presents. I couldn't not buy for my grandchildren, Nanny 27 even though most of them are adults themselves now with families. In fact they have told us to buy for them, but we always will as long as we can afford it.

Dear PJN1952, so sorry - that does seem very harsh of your SIL, how upsetting.

As regards presents/not presents for friends and family, it’s a minefield. I feel quite annoyed that my SIL told us that she had decided that presents were for the grandchildren aged under 18 only - which is fine except she has several under 18’s and we have two, so it’s all rather one way!

Plus we have a very disabled granddaughter, aged 20+, who is frankly treated as a child, she won’t ever be able to earn money, but doesn't qualify for a family Christmas present according to my SIL! Trying not to be petty, but other people sometimes create rules that seem to only benefit them. ? ?

I have 6 children, 8 grandchildren (another on the way) and all bar one have partners. I really don't have the money to spend on any other wider family members but it wouldn't mean that I didn't think of them as family. I wouldn't be miffed if I were you, OP.

My sister and I have an arrangement whereby we each buy something we want ( but don’t really need) for ourselves and say that it the present from the other one.
We live 200 miles away from each other.
It saves postage and we get what we want and can afford.
We phone one another to say thank you for being so generous!

Sometime ago, we all decided to buy presents until the children were eighteen. All the adults take part in a secret Santa, we set it up using Drawnames.co.uk and we can leave suggestions there regarding present ideas. It’s a lot of fun trying to guess who bought what. We still send cards for birthdays after age of 18, and give £21 for 21st birthdays.

Like this idea!

My sister-in-law said this the Christmas after my father had passed away two years ago -no Christmas presents except for my nephew (under 18) but still for birthdays. This year my sister and I had sent gift cards for sister-in-law and her son, my sister who's birthday is the day after his only had a card - so we were wondering what to do about my brother's birthday next month seeing as my brother-in law, younger nephew and mine are all later in the year. I messaged my brother saying our sister was upset she hadn't had a present seeing as we had both sent gift cards to his family - apparently the order for the flowers didn't go through, so he sent a bigger bouquet AND chocolates

He's a bloke NancyPansy and therefore would have just said bare minimum via text (which are notorious for causing misunderstanding) you might get a better, fuller idea from your SIL maybe. My sil decided to stop sending cards last Christmas & that text caused misunderstandings due to birthdays that fell in December (cards already purchased etc) but when we paid for our xmas card second class stamps - ouch!My hubby leaves all of the gifts & cards to me - never any input. I must admit though that its dispiriting to be asked for particular gifts for the GS' s that are quite expensive & have to be posted due to distance & our own ill health and then have to ask have they arrived more than once & not get any positive reaction from the 8 & 13yr olds. Makes you wonder why you bother really.

We buy for the youngest children at Christmas and birthdays, cards for all the others. When there is a major birthday, ie brother was 60 then we all pool together for a big gift x

But I still don't really understand how you deal with a big family gathering at Christmas where some children are say 17 and one might be 18. Do you leave that one out?

Yes, if the rule is under 18s only. Otherwise what's the point?

At 18 I'd expect them to be old enough to understand.

OK. I get it but I don't think I could ever bring myself to do that.

There was a big age gap between my late husband and his two older sisters and between our children and those of my two sisters in law. We all agreed that we would stop sending presents as each child reached 18. There was a bit of moaning at first as, obviously, our children would get presents for longer from their Aunts than their children would from us (nothing I could do about that though). I have continued to buy presents for my gt nephew and gt nieces until they reached 18 - my grandchildren do not get presents from their remaining Gt Aunt so I think that evens things out I am now a Gt Gt Aunt and I just send a card now. All the adults agreed at the same time that no-one would buy for adults, just send cards so that is what I do too - apart from my surviving sister in law who I do buy both birthday and Christmas presents for (a food hamper) as she cooked many a Christmas meal for us when we used to all gather at her home. It is just too expensive to keep buying presents for everyone and, as long as everyone has agreed to not buy then it does work without anyone feeling hurt or left out.

We also decided in my family not to give presents to sisters/brothers - only to our own children who are now grown. This means for me, I get presents from my son and I only buy for him. (My other son passed away in 2017 at 23). It definitely takes the pressure off as I am on a limited income being unable to work. However, my sister turned up on Christmas day with a bag full of gifts for me - all small inexpensive gifts but lovely and thoughtful. I was delighted to receive them but was a little embarrassed that I had nothing for her. She said it was just so I had some things to open because she and my other siblings had plenty of gifts and I should too.

I sympathise with your feeling miffed about not being classed as family OP. For many years my siblings and I found a day sometime over the Christmas or New Year period to get together. If one of us couldn't make it one year it was no great issue, whoever was available turned up. Then one year one brother said he had too many 'family' commitments to see us anytime over Christmas or New Year ever again! Life is too short to get too upset over such things and I am sure his intention wasn't to upset anyone but several years on I am still a little miffed. We do see each other throughout the year though and we get along fine.
There have been lots of good suggestions on here regarding the birthday presents that I can't really add to but I hope all works out well for you all.

As a young widow with 4 kids all now with partners so 8 adults and 9 grandchildren I stopped buying for the adults a good few years ago and only buy for the grandchildren now. The adults suggested it but still get presents from parents and kids jointly