Time for another great Gransnet story!

Tried to play up her good points, remembered to smile a lot (but not enough to cause wrinkles) and of course, a good dollop of old fashioned botox.

she lived in a smallish but well eqipped castle with all mod-cons but no mirrors because she was in the habit of smashing them whenever she didn't like the look of herself. At the last count she was due 784 years bad luck because of this. But she ignored it and always

Metamorphosed into Snow White’s wicked stepmother. Still shouting at anyone who would listen ‘bring me apples, red red apples, the juiciest you can find’ then as an add on ‘and a mirror, the kind that you get in M&S which makes you look half the size and 30 years younger’ hurry up you imbeciles. She strode off, her cloak flying behind her towards the Wibbly Wobbly Forest where ....

Smote her. She sprang back, 'Seize him guards' she shouted and immediately...

at that precise moment a beautiful young girl with raven hair and cherry lips (who's name escapes me at the moment) was heard talking to the pretty birds and animals outside as she gaily brushed the front step in her blue and yellow dress. Our hero was smitten and he...

But somehow it didn't work out. Grumpy kept complaining it was the wrong sort of paper, Doc kept asking if they'd sprayed everything with sanitiser and Sleepy just fell asleep which left our hero whose attempts at cranes and frogs were inadequate. "Blow this for a basket of monkeys" he cried and

tear pages from the book and make origami animals. We will present them to Maude on her return and tell her they are gifts for her great generosity.

Grumpy, Sleepy and Doc looked up. They'd been wondering where he was. 'Quick,' they said 'Let's...'

There is no ‘safe ‘ word she cackled hahahahahaha ( in. A cackling way)

She handed him a book , read that she said , I will be back later and we will see what you are made of.
Sadly our hero had forgotten his glasses , squinting at the book he thinks it’s called 50 sheds of grey, that can’t be right he said , anyway he still had the pickles, so for now he was happy........

he followed Mad Maud down into the cellar whereupon he discovered it was a playroom. What's the Safe word he asked his mistress Maud..

Right into the trolley belonging to Mad Maud the one eyed Landlady of the ‘Quaking Vicar’ a local hostelry in the town.

you are coming with me, she declared, still muzzy headed our hero agreed and was led , still clutching his pickles in one hand .........

In the very back of one shelf he spied 6 small cans. Behold! Pickled herring. The sell by date was long past,yet the thought of herring with a tiny bit of brown sauce made him swoon.

An old sticky toffee that had been lurking in his pocket for some time. Keen to partake of some nourishment, he hastily wiped the fluff off the sweet and stuck it in his mouth. Feeling sick he

...chin. Hang on I can't see myself he muttered, oh I know I'll use this mother's day card I forgot to send. It's got a shiny oval on the front and it says 'look at yourself mum, you're not that old are you'. He rummaged in his pocket but instead of finding the card he pulled out...

Squirt cream thats the answer as she slathered the cream over his manly jaw. He closed his eyes as a delicious shiver ran down his....

Shaving cream. She wouldn’t kiss him unless he was freshly shaven and smelt sweet. He couldn’t find any shaving soap but suddenly thought - I know what I could use instead ...

So he piled his trolly high with them, spent a few minutes checking his share prices (stocks were falling) and set off again in search of

Stock up with what? The store was devoid of all essential stuff, all that was left was apricot jam, cod liver oil and the Financial Times.

.........and saw that she was not a 'she' but a 'he'
Horrified he turned on his heels and ran away as fast as he could. Eventually he found himself in a large supermarket and thought I'll have a stock up whilst I'm here but........

She rang her ex lover from the psychiatric unit.

the Virus. Meantime the veiled lady got in touch with the hero who had admired her from afar, and in a desperate gesture he lifted her veil and saw...

This seemed to silence the younger wolves who happily ate more than their fair share of the sausage rolls while our hero consumed his sausage. Feeling content he was thinking how much he would like to have a little lie down, but by now every door in the town was shut and signs were displayed "Closed due to

A heated exchange began between the (mainly) younger and older wolves.
“Oh, for goodness sake, this is a time of crisis! Who cares if they are organic or not, as long as we can eat something? If you are so blooming fussy, get to the back of the queue!

This was solved when the shop door opened and a tray of sausage rolls were thrown out........the wolves fell on them until one of the more 'woke' wolves declared "I hope these are organic????" Unfortunately this meant that ................

The shop is having to close, and rather than waste the pasties are giving them away. A wonderful gesture, but only the vegetarian ones were left, this did not please the wolves who wanted the beef steak ones really.