Friend - any advice

Depends on whether her other friendship qualities are so good that they outweigh the fact that you can't rely on her for any moral, emotional or practical support when you need her most. Only you know the answer to that. But for me, a one way friendship isn't enough, it would be a deal breaker I'm afraid Blondie.

I’m not sure though what support your friend can give, Blondie49. She’s very limited to what she can do right now if she can’t use a phone to keep in touch by call or text. She obviously can’t visit. Or is it that you still need someone to shop for you? If so, does she know that?

Ah, she can’t phone but can text. Sorry, I misread that. In that case you could easily keep in touch with each other. Are you saying you’ve texted her and she hasn’t replied?

Does she have a phobia about illness?

I have an ex friend who is terrible when anyone close to her is ill.
It took me a while to figure it out but it’s because she hates the attention on the other person.

She doesn’t like illness/ ailments of any sort. I have seen her reaction with older neighbours and always new it, just a bit of shock. I texted having not heard from her for week and a half and she replied but that was it. I think it’s just compared to the texts/calls I’ve had ( re broken arm ) from other neighbours/ acquaintances/ / friends it just hi-lights the situation.

My DH is the same, he just can't cope with illness of any kind.
When I broke my back he became so bad tempered and self centred I couldn't believe he was the same man. he changed overnight from a relaxed charming helpful man to a gloomy bad tempered wreck.
I always have left over meals in the freezer (been a boon lately) and he'd hover around pretending he couldn't use the microwave so he'd thaw them in warm water and eat them semi iced, then leave the empty tupperware boxes in the sink, along with every other dish/cup he'd used. (Yes we DO have a dishwasher).
I don't know if its nature or nurture - perhaps a bit of both - but some people just can't cope! I don't think they can help it. It sounds as though your friend is the same. What is she like with bereaved people? does she cross the street to avoid them?
It put a serious strain on our marriage (60 years in May) but I was too feeble to do anything about it.

She can’t cope with bereaved people either. It’s funny when I write this all down I think why am I friends with her ?? Maybe different friends are for different things and can’t be everything to get e person, maybe a bit like marriage/partners unless your very lucky. I suppose will have to either live with that part and enjoy the stuff we do get on with, or give up the friendship.

All these posts resonate with me. Perhaps we have been too indulgent with these people and thus schooled them to be unable to stand in our shoes.

I've got a real phobia about talking on the phone or even video calling. I'm not sure why but it's a problem. I'm fine with texting.

It has driven friends and family mad over the years but I'm too selfish to try to overcome it.

In person, I'm a very caring person. But if it requires a telephone? No.

I’ve learned who my real friends are these past few months since my dad died and with one exception they’ve been great. That one (now ex) friend seems to have cut me off when I didn’t return a phone call that my daughter took. I actually don’t miss her and have realised it was more of a one-way relationship! Her loss!!

I have a friend, if I'm ill, she's ten times worse. 3 weeks before this pandemic she would have had me masked and gloved in case I gave her something she didn't want! Apart from that she is a caring person

You could try asking her to give you a helping hand with something and see if she responds. Make it something relatively simple, In other words test her out. It seems a bit mean but she does sound uncaring and selfish. If she doesn't come up to scratch - find another friend! If she wants to know why, when it's all over - tell her she wasn't there when you needed her the most.

I also don’t like telephones but I’m fine with live chat texting WhatsApp etc it’s surprisingly common. I can’t understand why she can’t keep in touch with you by text ? She can’t even see the cast if she’s texting? If she’s such a useless friend I honestly don’t think it’s worth keeping up to her . I remember a famous speech by an American lecturer and he said you’ve got to bring something to the table. What is she bringing?

maybe she got phobia of contact and germs.who knows .......you could write to her..... maybe she's feeling insecure at the time ...be patient and be kind...

Nail on the head Blondie - different friends for different things. She’s your fun, chatty friend, good for a day out.
Ive got a couple of those. I really enjoy their company when we meet and Ive learned not to expect anything more.

So she’s not the friend for the moment? The moment will pass ?

It does sound a bit like anxiety or phobia. Often people don't own up to that easily. You sound like you would be a nurture caring type and we often are surprised when others aren't the same.
Its more of a social friend that you have. Which is fine.
Take care.

This crisis will bring out the best and the worst of everyone, friends, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, family members, neighbours, politicians, colleagues and ourselves. We need to value this time to think about our own lives, how we spend our time, what's important to us and others, the state of the world and nature. Never again will we have all this time to think and to do the right thing!

Well most of you have covered the friend who has the worst illness ?and if I'm sick for more than 3 days hubby becomes distant?

I have had some helpful offers during this crisis, with both of us being over 70, both with blood or bone marrow cancers, and son with Crohn's.

But over the past years I've realised that one person cannot be all things to another. I can laugh and cry with one friend, go on an outing with another. Therefore these days I don't have a really best friend.

Thanks for all your thoughts folks. I’m glad I’ve got this isolating time to have thought through this and yes it looks like different friends for different things and try and not get hung up about it - stay safe all x

I had a friend, now ex, for 60 years and we met regularly. After two of my close family, who she knew very well, were diagnosed with cancer she dropped me completely and I havent heard from her for 2 years.
True friends are there in good times and bad, especially the bad.
Try not to feel disappointed, you are worth more. Perhaps its time to re grade this friendship.

Probably best to just put the friendship on the back burner for now.
Presumably, things may pick up again once you are out of your cast, and no longer "ill", and we all need good neighbours if possible.
Just forget about it if you can, and if you find that in the coming weeks of separation, you no longer miss her, then perhaps that's problem solved.
As previous posters have said, different friends for different activities.

Whilst my common sense agrees with Eglantine21 my feelings are quite different. It hurts when you're a friend that gives over and over and the other side just takes and that has been the case in my life for so many years.

Leave her be and if she wants to make some effort, you can choose to respond or not. Unreliable, in my books, is unpredictable and hurtful. They know what they are doing.

Think depends what you define as 'friend' blondie. Person who said different 'friends' for different reasons hit nail on head. I have people, mainly neighbours, who organise drinks parties, trips out or such like but I wouldn't call on them if I needed any kind of help. They are what my mother would term "fair weather friends". Sometimes the people who offer the most help in times of crisis can be virtual strangers.

If it is hurting you then perhaps you are thinking you are closer to her than she feels to you? Think it over and when all this is over decide if you enjoy your nights out enough to carry on but accept she wants to keep it at that level. If you feel at all used by her then take this opportunity to cut contact.