Friend - any advice

I have a friend like that. I really feel she abandoned me when I got chronically ill. I beat myself up for a long time. I don't feel the same way about her now. I tend to.put my all into.friendships.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts, it has helped me talk it through. As I said, before I needed a bit of comfort ( as in text with how’s your arm and self as you are on own ) I was fine with my friends different ways, as had a good laugh/ chat in the once a week we were out together. Different being, won’t phone ( doesn’t like technology) if we happen to be away for occasional day out ( split up and just meet for lunch) etc etc, everyone is different and could cope quite happily with that stance and also knew she hated talking or being with folk who talked about ailments / bereavement/ in fact anything negative and I knew i had other friends who would meet those needs if I wanted. Think when this scenario happened it just took me a while to realise that she could only cope with it for first week and she would have to retreat. As someone said on here and myself as well there’s different friends for different things and your very lucky if you ever get an all encompassing one. So to end if the world ever get through this virus crisis and I hope we will, I will learn to accept people more the way they are and not the way I would be. Hee hee here ends the sermon. Stay safe folks x

No, Chewbacca, justwokeup didn’t make anything up. In the OP it says that she texted and brought in a few bits shopping for me.

@gagajo. That’s me ! I can’t stand phone calls. I very seldom answer them and if I do I end the call ASAP . All our family know this so text me instead . My 8yr old granddaughter face timed me this morning and I managed to speak with her for 5 minutes which is a record amount of time for me ?

We have a neighbour who moved In 3 years ago. She was very friendly, making cakes for everyone’s birthdays, having us in for suppers, taking us on day trips. We reciprocated with dinners and afternoon tea etc. They last came to us just before Xmas for evening meal and we all had a jolly time. Since then, she seems to try to avoid us and when we see her outside our houses, she says a quick hello and hurries off. I saw her a couple of days ago and stopped the recommended 2 metres away from her and she said hello and walked smartly past. You would think in the present circumstances she would be friendlier but she’s quite the opposite. I wonder what’s wrong?

She has brought you some shopping justwokeup? Where does it say that the friend brought the OP some shopping? I read it that they only met, accidentally, in a corner shop? Did I miss the post that said shopping was brought to the OP or did you make that up?

Nobody is every type of friend.

Some people are great at a party and bad in a crisis, others are great 1:1 but no good in groups....

You shouldnt expect more of her than you know she is able to give.

If her good points outweigh her weaknesses, forgive her

Blondie49. I'm sorry about your accident. It must be difficult managing. I hope you are not in pain. What a difficult situation regarding your friend. Naturally you feel let down, even though you know she has these problems, coming face to face with a friend who suddenly turns away from you when you are in need is extremely difficult to deal with.

She sounds as if she has some strong phobias. The one about illness must be driving her out of her mind at the moment. The telephone one is not uncommon although I know a case where a baby was taken from parents with psychiatric disabilities and although the mother was breast-feeding, she was not allowed to keep her baby because she could not use the phone to summon help in an emergency. It brought home to me how seriously such a disability is regarded by some Social Services.

Not knowing your neighbour and the extent of her problems, I cannot tell you what I would do. You can only decide whether you can carry her problems in a relationship or whether they will get you down too much. You do need to think of your own needs. I hope your other good friends can keep you going through this time.

In general we have said between us on GN how the current circumstances are giving us insights into other people and we are sometimes learning things we did not expect.

I had a horrible revelation when my own rose-tinted specs fell off in horror and the many disturbances I had squashed down in the past came into clear focus last week with the revelations of a friend about what she had been doing during the "lock down". It became irrefutably clear that she was selfish and thought herself more important than the rest of us. All my qualms regarding her over the years made sense. I'm still in shock about this to be honest. I think I am to blame for not seeing it before and allowing myself to be used so much. She has walked all over me for many years.

Which makes me say a very tough thing. Your friend probably has a real phobia. But there is a chance she has both a fear of illness and a dislike of giving people attention. It needs saying. I hope it is not true. Unfortunately there are people who play on having things like phobias and thus being a 'special case' and make others give way to them all the time while they never give back. I do not know your friend. I do know, or have known, quite a few people who play on a condition they do nothing to get over and make people treat them as a special case, thus obtaining the best seat, the most attention, first in the queue, and so on. Such people do not thank those who give way to them. They regard it as a right. Their "phobia" or condition makes them feel special and even superior.

Good luck Blondie49, I think all the people's help here has lots of very good ideas, so I do hope that you will be able to decide which best applies to your friend and your situation. I hope your arm is better soon. Do keep in touch with all your friends, I think we will all find which are the valuable true friends at this time.

To GagaJo and those of you who hate the phone, I do sympathise! It's not my favourite thing! I find it hard to know how to start the conversation unless it's a formal work one! But from what you say, you try hard to mitigate the effects your aversion to it have on others, so well done for being so thoughtful and making such a great effort. Overcoming a phobia is a really hard thing and takes so much courage. I do not think I shall ever get anywhere with my fear of (I've been dreading having to actually write the word) snakes. Even saying that here now means I shall spend all this evening 'seeing' them.

I have a friend with OCD. She can only go out in the afternoon because she has rituals to go through including washing her hands for hours on end. I've only understood this after many many years. It's an illness. She's still my friend.
A phobia is an illness too.

Me too ?

Your neighbour obviously made you aware that she has a phone and illness phobia. Didn't you really believe her? Do you only have her to depend on? Phobias are real, don't expect her to do something she really can't do. You don't mention your age and your situation but, if your health is otherwise good, she may think you can manage to get to the shops etc with a broken wrist, even still meet up for coffee. Perhaps she thinks you should make more effort. She has brought you some shopping and texted you. From what you have said that sounds a reasonable amount of support. Hope you're feeling better soon.

I think you may be reading her wrong it sounds as if this lady doesn’t do technology comfortably at all she doesn’t answer her mainline phone and doesn’t like using her mobile except for odd texts to make arrangements I wouldn’t take it personally at all it is just her if she’s good company when you can go out just be patient

If she is your friend and you know she has an issue with illness why are you being so hard on her.

I am sure that people that can not cope with illness also have to cope with guilt at not being able to face it and help friends and family. It is often people that have had death and illness in their family that cannot cope later in life.

It does seem that your friend has quite a few issues Blondie49 it's hard to know if these are really problems or just a self centred person avoiding having to help others.
I'm not sure that I could continue a friendship like this as I would be resentful. If you can accept her shortcomings then go ahead and enjoy outings etc with her when its possible.

GagaJo I'm not keen on speaking on the phone either and usually try to avoid it. I think perhaps it's the lack of visual cues that makes me feel uncomfortable, particularly if I'm speaking to someone who also doesn't like using the phone - awkward silences, speaking at the same time, etc. My discomfort is nowhere near as serious as yours and of late, out of necessity, I have been trying to overcome it. I expect the people you know well will be aware of your problem with phoning and will try to understand.

ExD I would find it very difficult to live with someone who appears to be without empathy. It's easy to be charming and nice when everything is OK but most people try to restrain their tendency to selfishness when those close to them need their support.

Glad you are keeping positive Blondie and are not letting your - I think understandable - disappointment with your friend get you down too much.

Very best wishes to everyone - hope you can get through this horrible time relatively unscathed.

I had a friend like this. Eventually, after a long time, I realised how selfish and self centered she was. We no longer keep in touch

Real friends can usually be counted on one hand. Many of us have ‘acquaintances’.

I'm sorry, but I'm still not sure what you want your friend to do, OP, in the current climate. She can't come round, you know she can't phone you, she hasn't ignored your one text. You've said you have plenty of attention from other neighbours/acquaintances/friends, so she knows you're not lonely.

I do hope she's not on GN or knows anyone who is, and doesn't get to see your criticisms and the hurtful comments on here from strangers. If she does, you can be sure the friendship's over anyway.

“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.”

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Think depends what you define as 'friend' blondie. Person who said different 'friends' for different reasons hit nail on head. I have people, mainly neighbours, who organise drinks parties, trips out or such like but I wouldn't call on them if I needed any kind of help. They are what my mother would term "fair weather friends". Sometimes the people who offer the most help in times of crisis can be virtual strangers.

If it is hurting you then perhaps you are thinking you are closer to her than she feels to you? Think it over and when all this is over decide if you enjoy your nights out enough to carry on but accept she wants to keep it at that level. If you feel at all used by her then take this opportunity to cut contact.

Whilst my common sense agrees with Eglantine21 my feelings are quite different. It hurts when you're a friend that gives over and over and the other side just takes and that has been the case in my life for so many years.

Leave her be and if she wants to make some effort, you can choose to respond or not. Unreliable, in my books, is unpredictable and hurtful. They know what they are doing.

Probably best to just put the friendship on the back burner for now.
Presumably, things may pick up again once you are out of your cast, and no longer "ill", and we all need good neighbours if possible.
Just forget about it if you can, and if you find that in the coming weeks of separation, you no longer miss her, then perhaps that's problem solved.
As previous posters have said, different friends for different activities.

I had a friend, now ex, for 60 years and we met regularly. After two of my close family, who she knew very well, were diagnosed with cancer she dropped me completely and I havent heard from her for 2 years.
True friends are there in good times and bad, especially the bad.
Try not to feel disappointed, you are worth more. Perhaps its time to re grade this friendship.

Thanks for all your thoughts folks. I’m glad I’ve got this isolating time to have thought through this and yes it looks like different friends for different things and try and not get hung up about it - stay safe all x